You Can Run
by idon'tedit
Summary: "One need not be a chamber to be haunted; One need not be a house; The brain has corridors surpassing Material place." -Emily Dickinson Hermione becomes a target, and no one comes to her rescue. This is the story of her destruction, and surprising hero.
1. The marks humans leave

**Author's note: I warn you all from the get go the first chapter of this story is going to be… brutal. That is probably underselling it a bit. I intend to be quite clear in what happens to provide a base of why things will happen the way they will later in the story. So if you are squeamish, turn back now. This will be the harshest of the all the chapters, a trial by fire if you will, but this story will not be terribly light hearted.**

**-`-'-**

_**Songs for this chapter: Violate by Bones Domingo and Ebla by E.S. Posthumus**_

**SPOV**

I was already late for the meeting of the inner circle at Malfoy manor, having been detained by a meeting of the Order. I was fully aware that I would be punished, but when I overheard the conversation taking place within the study I knew I would be forced into increasing my own punishment. Morality would eventually be the death of me, that much was certain.

"Why not kill her my lord?" I heard the hesitant question fall from the lips of Lucius Malfoy.

"It is simple Lucius," the cold voice of the Dark Lord drawled. "Dead, she is certain a detriment to Potter. But alive, and irreparably broken? The one hope he has at standing against me for more than a minute or two will be dashed."

I began to back away from the door, aware that I had not alerted any of them to my presence. I would need to notify the Order straight away.

"When my lord?" the question was earnest and excited, and clearly came from Bellatrix.

"Tonight," he said with a ringing sense of finality.

I swept back down the hall moving as silently as possible. I passed the wizened old house elf Lucius had procured to replace the one Potter had lost him, and shot a memory charm at him over my shoulder as I fled out the front door. It wouldn't do to have a witness to my previous presence in the manor when I returned shortly.

The very second my boots touched the pebbled walk outside the front door I apparated to the gates of Hogwarts. I hurried to the castle in the quickly failing sunlight knowing that Albus would have returned to his office already. I entered the castle, ignoring the deafening silence that frequently permeated the building when all the students had left, and took every shortcut at my disposal to make it to the head master's office in record time.

I took the stairs two at a time as I made the sharp circles before throwing myself haphazardly through the open office door. Albus had clearly been unprepared for company as he was in the process of setting up his pensive and sorting through bottle memories for the ones he seemed to want.

"There will be an attack on the Granger home tonight," I said in a rush, drawing his attention away from that blasted basin and too my face.

"You are giving me awfully short notice Severus," he scolded. "Could you not have brought this to my attention while I still had the members of the Order at my disposal?"

"I am very sorry to have inconvenienced you," I sneered at him. "I have only just discovered it myself."

"Surely there would have been more planning involved in such an undertaking," Albus said airily, staring at the wall behind me, clearly thinking about something. "I believe this is a test of whether or not you are spying for me."

"Is that a bet you are willing to make," I asked, somehow still surprised by how casually he spoke about the possibility of what could be happening to a member of light. "Hermione Granger is surely Harry Potter's best bet at surviving whatever task it is that you have for him, is she not?"

"That is yet to be determined," he answered cryptically. "However, it is in fact a gamble I will take."

I swept out of his office without further reply. This was not the first time this summer that I had cause to wonder if the dark spell slowly devouring his hand was also affecting his brain. If he was right, I was about to take a very stupid risk. If he was wrong, the girl and her family may still be sent to slaughter no matter my efforts.

As a point of security I was well aware of the addresses of all high risk targets fighting on the side of the Order, so I had no need to search out the Grangers' address before leaving the castle. I made my way swiftly back out of the castle, staunchly ignoring Peeves as he tried to pick a fight with me in the entrance hall. I conjured a bit of parchment as I hurried over the sloping lawn, and I used my wand to burn a hastily scrawled message into it. The words were sloppy and somewhat hard to read but the message was clear.

Once I passed through the wards of the gate I turned to my left and apparated to the street the Granger family lived on. I hastily folded the note into fourths, and charmed it to fly down the block and slide under the door of the Granger home. It would not cease in its motion until it found her, so I felt confident she would get my message. With what little I could do done, I turned once more and delivered myself to the gates of the Malfoy manor for the second time this evening.

-`-'-

-`-'-

**HPOV**

I was sitting at the kitchen table enjoying a spot of tea with my mother when a bit of folded parchment flew in from the hallway and landed on the table in front of me. I quirked my brow in confusion, who was using magic at my house at this moment? I reached out to take the parchment into my hands tentatively. When I unfolded it I saw a message scorched into the paper, but I did not recognize the handwriting.

_Leave your house immediately. Take your parents._

It said nothing else which was questionable, but my gut told me to listen. I stood from the table looking up to tell my mother that we needed to leave. For a second I saw the question on her face as she looked back at me, but then I was blinded by the flash of light that accompanied the kitchen wall being blown apart by a well-placed redactor curse.

It would have been nice to be able to say things happened quickly after that, but unfortunately time seemed to slow to a crawl as my worst nightmare came to fruition. It hadn't been more than a month since the nightmare at the ministry of magic, and I still woke screaming each night as visions of something similar to this tormented to me. I crammed the note into my pocket, dragging myself around the table.

I drew my wand that I never allowed off my person anymore, and lurched forward grabbing my mother's arm in my hasty retreat from the kitchen. My ears were still ringing, and I could hardly see through the falling dust and rubble, but this was the only shot we were going to get at fleeing.

"Hermione?" she questioned me, her voice choked with fear.

"Run," I begged her, pushing her through the door roughly as I was hit with the first curse.

In the back of my mind I recognized that I was in a body bind, but as I toppled face first into the carpet unable to stop my fall all I could truly think of was the fact that my parents were now defenseless. There was a snap when I hit the floor, and my stomach rolled when I realized that my wand had snapped upon impact. Now it wasn't just my parents that were defenseless.

"Turn her so she can see it," a female voice instructed, and I realized I recognized it as the voice of Bellatrix Lestrange.

I was turned bodily to the side, and my eyes fell upon the disturbing seen before me. A man who was obscured by his black robes and silver robes had my mother pinned to the ground beside me. She was struggling helpless and fruitlessly to throw him off, but he would not be moved. He was slowly rushing her windpipe, not even bothering to use magic to kill her.

I struggled against my magical binding trying to get to her, but I could not move. I had to watch helplessly while he choked the life out of my mother. He killed her simply for being the mother of a very much hated witch. He spat on her and kicked her limp body as he climbed to his feet.

"Where's your father bitch?" he sneered at me.

I felt the magic release my face so that I might answer him, but all that fell from my mouth was an agonized cry at what I had just seen.

"Answer me," he shouted, landing a swift kick to my face, and clearly breaking my nose as my own blood began to pool on the floor beneath me.

"He isn't home," I lied, hoping desperately that my father had enough sense not to come up from his office in the basement.

"Liar," Bellatrix barked as she leaned over me.

I felt her hand on my throat, and I saw her point her wand at her own throat before she began.

"Daddy," she cried, and it was my voice that issued from her lips. "Daddy please, they're hurting me."

It took all of two seconds for his footsteps to begin to crashing up the stairs. I drew a breath to scream at him to run the other way, but the full body bind was reinstated and my voice died on my lips. I watched in horror as the door from the basement stairs flew open, and my father emerged with his shotgun in hand.

He got one shot off, which Bellatrix moved out of the air with a casual flick of her wand before the man who had choked the life out of my mother cast the killing curse without hesitation. My eyes burned as I watched my father's body slump to the floor, but I was physically unable to cry. I waited for death to find me as swiftly as it had taken my parents, but it appeared my captors had something else in mind.

The full body bind was released, and I attempted to struggle to my feet before I was struck down once more with a boot to the spine. I rolled onto my back, exposing myself to another attack, but needing to be able to see what I was facing. Half crouched over me, as I had already felt, was Bellatrix. Her eyes were as crazy as ever and only a few feet from my face they were rather disturbing.

Behind her stood a man, whose mask hid his face, but whose hair gave him away instantaneously. Lucius Malfoy should surely learn to at least cut his hair back or at least cut it off if he intended to keep his identity secret. I was yet unsure of the identity of the man towering over me with his boot ready to crash down upon me again.

"Well, let's get started shall we?" Bellatrix laughed, as if she were suggesting a game of exploding snap.

She drew a knife from within her robes, and I instantly tried to squirm further away from her. The boot came down on my chest with enough force to knock the wind out of me, and it did not move. The man held me pinned to the floor so I could not squirm away from her.

I was surprised when she didn't simply stab me. She moved quickly with the blade of her small silver dagger, but she never touched my skin. The surprise turned quickly to a freezing fear when I realized what she was in fact doing. She made quick work of cutting off my khaki capris pants, and eyelet lace white summer shirt.

"Ah, I didn't miss my mark after all," the man above me said when she tore my shirt open revealing the still healing scar on my chest.

"Dolohov," I breathed quietly, half an acknowledgement of who the third person was, half a blind fear response to being confronted with the man who had nearly killed me at the end of the year.

"Isn't that sweet, she remembers me," he barked out in a laugh before digging his boot heel into the skin of my now exposed chest.

Bellatrix made quick work of the rest of my clothing, but I was unable to react with the proper embarrassment as I was hit with what I imagined was the first of many attacks with the cruciatus curse. I bit straight through my lip in my attempt to keep from screaming. I tasted the blood in my mouth, but I barely felt the pain of my skin being torn through the fire that was raging through every nerve in my body.

"She thinks she's so strong," Bellatrix laughed, from a distance it seemed. "What do you think boys? Will she scream before the night is up?"

They roared with laughter, and I was once again drowning in the unimaginable pain of my body attacking itself at the urging of her curse. I lost track of the time passing, and of where I was as the pain seemed to go on forever, but eventually it did begin to fade. I kept my eyes closed, panting into the ringing silence that filled the air around me. If I had opened my eyes I might have seen it coming.

The boot was no longer pressing down on my chest; instead I felt fabric touching my thighs. I wonder vaguely if I had been redressed, but I was torn from my thoughts when a tongue trace along my throat before crooked teeth made a sharp bite. My eyes snapped open and I realized Dolohov was crouching over me, biting my throat.

I struggled to try and get away from him, my panic increasing tenfold when I realized that he pants were pooling at his knees, and that was why I felt fabric on my thighs. I attempted to squirm out from under him, but he grabbed hold of my hair with his right hand locking me in place, while he used his left hand to push my thighs apart.

"Don't," I breathed shakily. "I'll do whatever you want, just don't."

"This is what I want," he growled, and without further preamble he thrust his hips forward and I bit my already bloody lip to fight back the scream of pain. "I love it when they're virgins."

He was growling all sorts of gruesome things into the skin of my throat in between bites, but I tried not to hear him. I stared at the ceiling holding absolutely still just praying he would kill me and be done with it.

I read a story once in some trite muggle novel about a girl who was raped, and in the book she had gone away someplace in here head, hardly experiencing what was happening to her body. I envied her as I felt what happened to every bit of my body. As if it weren't bad enough that he was practically shredding my insides while he rutted upon me, he was placing bites on my throat and neck so severe that several of them had drawn blood. Was he part vampire or something?

He gave a nasty tug to my hair, and then his hips jerked against me as he groaned into my chest. I hadn't done something like this before, but I got the impression that meant he had finished. I realized I was right when he pulled out of me and rocked back on his heels. I had a moment to taken in the fact that this nether regions were slicked with my blood before he began to pull his trousers back on as he spat upon me.

I very seriously considered shouting something rather nasty at that point, but I was once again thrown forcefully into the blinding pain that accompanied the cruciatus curse. Many thoughts raced through my mind as I felt my body jerk uncontrollably, but I found myself circling around the question of if I could be tortured into insanity. I wondered if it was possible that the pain would simply never end, and I would stay here writhing on this floor until I finally died.

But then the pain receded once more and it felt as if I was laying directly beside a fire rather than inside of one. The heat was still somewhat present on my skin, but I did not feel the horrible burning pain anymore. This time I kept my eyes open.

I saw when Lucius began to walk silkily forward, and I fought my ailing body trying to move. Dolohov had handled me with such force I felt rather certain that one of my hips was not properly in the socket, and it made movement feel similar to the blinding fire of the cruciatus curse. I managed to struggle a foot further from the kitchen doorway before the blonde demon swept down upon me with a laugh tumbling from his lips.

His hands latched onto my upper arms, and the stabbing pain that accompanied it was striking and altogether confusing. He drug his hands down my arms as if he were caressing me, but I felt slicing pain tearing through both of my arms, and I didn't quite understand when I saw my blood begin to seep out onto the carpet.

I didn't understand until he pulled his hands back to unfasten his pants, and I saw the blood coated rings on his thumbs. I had the strangely academic thought that it was rather medieval to even own a ring knife let alone two of them before he was one me. He reached for my face, trying to hold me in place no doubt, but that damn ring nearly stabbed me in the eye.

I threw my head to the side, narrowly missing being blinded, and choked down a cry as I felt the flesh of my cheek give way to the pressure he was putting behind the ring. He tore a track in my flesh clear to my ear before he released his hold.

My mind was aware that he was violating my body in the way that Dolohov had, but I could not feel it over the pain he was causing me. His hands continued to move over me, almost as if he were delivering tender caresses, but he was dragging his hands purposefully, leaving bloody tracks in his wake.

"You'll have to do better than that little girl," he hissed in my ear as he gripped my hips painfully, the rings sung deep in my flesh, as he thrust into me. "I can't get off until you do."

"Never," I sobbed at him, finally losing the battle with my tears, but fighting with everything I had in me to at least keep them silent.

Lucky for me that seemed to be what he wanted anyway. He began to groan as he slammed into me with more force, but then almost as quickly as it had started to he was finished. He slumped against me, and for a minute I couldn't see with his platinum blond hair covering my face. Then he picked himself up, dragging his hands down from where they had held so tightly to my hips tearing a deep furrow in each hip before he released me.

I lay there at his feet, the fight going out of me. I didn't know if I was breaking or if I was simply bleeding to death, but I no longer felt the fire that let me fight. I could faintly feel the tears still streaming from my eyes, but the meant little too me. I waited with an oddly patient air for them to simply end it, or to leave me and let nature take its course. I wasn't feeling particularly picky at the moment.

I was so beyond caring what happened to me that I didn't even flinch when Bellatrix's face filled my eye line as she crouched over me once more. I could hear that she was laughing, but she wasn't talking to me, simply focusing on my arm. I was already in so much pain that I couldn't truly feel what she was doing, but when I turned my head slightly I could see that she was carving something into my arm.

I closed my eyes and prayed for her to hit a major artery, but I had no such luck. Her hands left my arm, and for one wavering second I thought they were done. Instead I felt her push my legs open once more, and I was confused by the very idea that she would attempt to rape me. I didn't understand. I couldn't possibly have understood without being as insane as she was.

Her hand gripped my inner thigh, and then she stabbed me. I had expected her to stab me from the moment she had drawn the dagger, but not like this. My shock at the uncharted pain was so earth shaking that I could not have hoped to stop the scream. I wailed in pain, and she laughed wicked as she twisted the blade effectively shredding my most tender flesh. I would have gladly have been raped by every death eater I knew than have what was happening to me now.

I cried and I begged, and I moaned in pain. There was no longer any bravery left to hold on to only horrible blinding pain that did not recede when she withdrew the blade.

"I knew I could make you scream," she whispered evilly in my ear before she drew away from me. "Lucius cast a spell to slow the blood flow, but don't heal the wounds. We weren't supposed to kill her after all."

"Well one of us got a little carried away," he told her tersely, but I was losing my ability to focus.

"Please," I begged, looking to Dolohov who had surprisingly been the most merciful tonight. "Just end it please."

He spat on me again, and left the room with Bellatrix hot on his tail. I faintly heard the two cracking sounds that announced their departure. I was watching Lucius Malfoy, praying that his hatred for me would override whatever orders he had been given and he would simply kill me now that there was no one left to witness it.

"You know that we are going to let you live," he muttered as he set to work stemming the flow of blood from my wounds without allowing the skin to knit itself together again. "And you know it is so we can do this all again."

He said it with supreme malice, but somehow I knew he was lying anyway. He at least wouldn't touch me again after this. I choked on a dark chuckle at the thought of _what a shame, it hadn't been good for him._

"Jesus Bella," he cursed when he pushed my thighs open to partially heal the wound inflicted by his partner in crime. "If I don't heal this you will actually bleed to death."

He stopped speaking and I got the impression he was trying very hard to make the decision that was least likely to get him punished upon his return to the dark lord. Surely he was already in trouble for the debacle at the ministry.

"Breathe a word to anyone of my effort to entirely heal this injury and I will kill you," he barked at me finally, and then he cast the charm.

It wasn't quite relief as so much of my body was still in agony, but I felt the flesh that had been viciously ripped apart by that dagger weave itself back together with a cool tingle.

"You may as well kill me now," I told him defiantly, trying to elicit his anger. "The first thing I am going to tell everyone is that Lucius Malfoy stayed after to take care of me like my own personal nurse."

"Crucio," he shouted at me, and my world erupted into pain once more.

I have no idea how long he held the curse over me, but when the pain finally receded and left me panting on the floor he was nowhere to be found. The sun had set completely and I lay amongst the rubble strewn hallway in complete darkness, none of the lights in the house having ever been turned on.

I thought for a moment it would be usefully to have my wand for a bit of light, until I was hit with the sickening realization that all of this had happened tonight because I was a witch. If I had never received the letter inviting me to attend Hogwarts, I would be attending a muggle high school right now. My parents would be alive. I would be a virgin still. I was never more repulsed by the idea of magic.

The thought of magic reminded me of the ministry of magic. Surely someone would be on their way. There were multiple spells used at a muggle residence this evening. No doubt there would be a dark mark hovering over my house, and a clean-up crew would be sent to deal with the aftermath. I needed to be gone before they got here.

I struggled to my feet, my entire body shaking with the effort. I cried out with each movement as the agony ripped through me, but I used the overwhelming need to be away from magic to power me up off of the floor. I went a little further down the hall, leaving blood smears as I used the wall to support myself. I slid in through the next door way and nearly toppled down on to the floor of my bedroom.

I staggered to my bed, pulling my dressing gown on haphazardly so my absolutely destroyed body would at least be covered. I breathed a shaky, tear filled, sigh of relief at the realization that I wouldn't have to pack a bag to run away. In the commotion of the evening I had forgotten that my parents and I were leaving for a short holiday in the morning. I already had a bag full of summer clothes sitting at the foot of my bed just waiting for me.

I scooped the carpet bag up off of my trunk and lurched my way back out of my bedroom. I had to stop in the doorway, leaning on the frame for support as I wavered on my feet. I needed to get somewhere for medical attention quickly if I was going to survive. If I wanted to survive. I honestly wasn't so sure.

I stumbled awkwardly past my parents unmoving bodies, my already falling tears only increasing. I made my way through the utterly destroyed kitchen. Ignoring the trail of blood I left in my wake, I scoped my father's car keys off of the counter and staggered out the back door into the drive. His silver Prius was parked at the end of the driveway, and I set my sights on it, praying I could make it through that much open space without something to help me support my weight.

It seemed to take a lifetime, but I eventually staggered my way to the car. As I pulled the driver's side door open, I took a moment to look at the ghastly green skull that now hung over our house. If the collapsed kitchen wall wasn't a sign of what had gone horribly wrong tonight, that surely was.

I threw my bag into the car, and slumped into the seat, biting down on a scream of pain as my body made contact. I snapped the door shut, and turned on the ignition without bothering to buckle. The radio roared to life and I almost laughed when I heard Rilo Kiley's Close Call blaring through the speakers. I pulled out into the street, turning the radio up louder, and just as I rolled away from the house the first crack rent the air announcing the arrival of the ministry officials.

I got lucky, they were wizards, they didn't think to look at the car driving away from the scene of the crime. I drove off into the night laughing at the ridiculousness of the song blaring around me. I whipped through the streets of town making my way toward the hospital without obeying any of the traffic laws. I wondered vaguely if I would care if I got in a car accident now, but I arrived in the ambulance bay of the hospital without incident so it was irrelevant.

I screeched to a stop outside of the door, throwing the car in park but leaving the engine running. I scooped my bag up, and groaned at the blinding wave of pain as I drug my damaged body out of the car. I made it halfway to the doors that lead inside before the black spots began to pop up behind my eyes. I knew the blood loss was becoming too much but I powered forward. I managed to get inside the lobby door before I swayed on my feet for the last time, and the blackness took me. I never felt my body hit the ground.

-`-'-

-`-'-

**SPOV**

I barely made it away from the Granger house before the others began to arrive. The sound of the apparition was echoing in my ears as I apparated away to Malfoy manor. I pushed the panicked thought that my warning had been to late deep beneath my occlumency shields and entered through the front door. This time I made a point to close the door loudly and announce my presence this time around. I swept into the library with my head bowed in an act of contrition, and immediately dropped to me knees a good ten feet away from the dark lord.

"My sincerest apologies for my late arrival my lord," I spoke to the floor. "Dumbledore kept everyone late at the meeting of the Order, I could not get away."

"Do you come bearing any good news for me?" he asked in that tight voice that made it clear I would be tortured if I didn't give him something particularly juicy.

"The order is arranging a second raid on the manor to be enforced by the ministry," I told him, hoping to find a way to stage a fake raid and keep myself from being killed. "They suspect that Lucius has made his way out of Azkaban right now, and they are hoping to capture him once more."

Lies, all of it, but would he buy it?

"I see," the dark lord seethed. "I suppose we shall have to leave the manor temporarily then, and Lucius shall have to be punished for his carelessness. Again. When is the raid to happen?"

"Two nights from this one," I lied smoothly. "Assuming they get the ministry to cooperate. If our people are well enough entrenched there, the order should be out of luck either way."

"We shall see," he hissed as he stalked toward me. "You were very late tonight Severus. I had to send Dolohov in your place. He does tend to get rather sloppy."

His quite rebuke was the only warning I got before he wordlessly cast the unforgiveable on me. I held tight to my mental shields, refusing to reveal just how much pain he was causing me. He must not have been as angry as his words suggested because the spell did not last as long as I had expected it too. It was mere minutes long and then he released me entirely.

"Get to your feet," he barked at me and I complied immediately.

I kept my head bowed; faking the respect he would want to see.

"Return to your other master," he spat at me. "He's about to receive a rather nasty shock, and I want you to report to me on how he deals with it."

"Yes master" I said falling into a full bow before I swept back out of the library.

I nearly stumbled over the damn rat Wormtail in my haste, and I shoved him into the wall to get him out of my way. I would never stop wanting to thrash him for his constant lurking. I didn't speak a word as I made my way back out of the house once estate and apparated back to the school.

I didn't bother to run on my trip back to the headmaster's office. Speed wasn't going to change the outcome of what I was about to learn. I was either going to be told that Hermione Granger was being taken to St. Mungo's to treat extensive injuries and be sentenced to a much longer psychiatric recovery process if it was Lucius, Bella, and Antonin that had been sent to deal with her; or I was going to hear that one of them had lost control and along with her parents Hermione Granger was dead. It honestly didn't matter how quickly I got to the headmaster's office.

I didn't take any short cuts, or move faster than a brisk walk. I wasn't so much as breathing heavily when I reached the top of the spiral staircase that emptied out by the entrance to the headmaster's office. Once again the door remained open, but he was not bothering with the pensive that lay in wait on his desk. Instead his ruined hand was cradling his head as he stared blankly at the desk before him.

"I take it you've heard this was not a test of my loyalty," I said, not bothering to hide my contempt as I drew his attention to me.

"The Granger's are dead," he answered dully, unable to meet my eyes. "Miss Granger has fled the scene, and no one in the order has yet to find where she went. She is unarmed, as they found her wand in the house, snapped clean in too."

"Why aren't you in the search party?" I scathed, not willing to endure his little pity party.

"I am so drained from this curse I can barely stand," he admitted quietly, and I made a mental note to brew more potion for him. "I would be of no use in the search. I need you to join the search Severus. It is imperative that we find her."

"I thought her importance was yet to be determined," I repeated his earlier words, surprised by how defensive I felt of the insufferable know-it-all.

Or perhaps I was just disgusted by the fact that he had been so careless with yet another student's life. It was becoming lethal not to be a favorite of the headmaster anymore.

"I was… callous earlier," he sighed in defeat. "Without her aid Harry Potter will surely perish before we end this war. We need her."

"If she wishes to be any more part of this war, she will allow herself to be found," I answered plainly.

"Severus," he reprimanded, not used to my defiance as it happened so rarely.

"No Albus. I came to you this evening to stop something terrible from happening and you did nothing," I said in that quiet whisper that spoke of how I was struggling to control my rage. "You did nothing, and because of it the most notorious torture artists in the ranks of the death eaters were unleashed on a 16 year old girl. You can rest assured that she was raped and beaten after watching her parents be murdered. She was probably raped more than once, and she was certainly tortured. Bellatrix was present, so there is only half a chance that Hermione Granger even remembers who she is anymore. So no, you cannot force me to allow something like that to happen, and then expect me to help clean up your mess."

I didn't wait for him to answer; I simply swept out of his office and made my way out of the godforsaken castle. I needed to get home before I really went into a rage, and quite frankly I need a stiff drink. Perhaps an entire bottles worth.


	2. In a real dark night of the soul

_**Songs for this chapter: HPOV: Ballad of Fuck All by Malcolm Middleton and SPOV: Awake and Alive by Skillet**_

**SPOV**

"Have you yet located the girl?" I asked him when I had finished my report on the last death eater gathering, unable to explain why I was so concerned about the girl.

"No, there is no trace of her," he answered smoothly, folding his arms on his desk in front of him. "Her magical trail has gone entirely cold. Several order members suspect she may have died."

"Are they only searching for her magical trail?" I asked, confused by the very idea.

"Certainly not, they have also searched all of the locations she has been known to frequent." Albus answered quietly before turning his sharp gaze onto my face once more. "If you had gone to search for her like I demanded of you we might have found her before she perished."

"You do not know she is dead," I snapped.

"Her name has disappeared from the school ledger, it seems likely she has passed on," he sniffed.

I refrained from biting out a retort that her name would have disappeared if she had chosen to drop out.

"So that's it then," I sighed. "The whole of you are just giving up on her?"

"That whole of us?" he asked, his brow lifting at my tone. "You are one of us dear boy."

"Do not 'dear boy' me kindly," I snapped, feeling my magic surge in my veins as my temper flared. "I am leaving the Order, and your service as well, you will no longer be permitted to speak to me as if I am your servant."

"Turning back to the dark lord after everything he's done to you?" the old man barked. "I should have known."

"And you prove yet again how little you know me," I shouted standing from my seat. "I am not returning to the dark lord either you insolent fool. I am leaving the magical world entirely. This war is not mine to fight, and I will not sit by while I watch you lead Lily Potter's child to slaughter, nor will I destroy what little life I have managed to scrape together for myself by honoring your request to end your miserable existence when you refuse to tell another soul what is happening."

"I'm rather shocked to discover after all this time that you are in fact a coward Severus," he said in his iciest voice, all trace of sparkle gone from his blues eyes.

If I hadn't grown to hate the man before me so rapidly since the beginning of this awful ordeal that might have sent me into a rage. I was anything but a coward, but I no longer felt the need to defend that. I had willing allowed myself to be tortured in this war long enough. They could fight on without me.

"You'll need to call me Snivellus to really make it stick," I whispered to him darkly before I swept out of the room.

"I think the marauders had an accurate measure of you," he shouted after me, but I didn't listen to him.

I made my way down to the dungeons, wandlessly lighting the torches in my rooms, as I began to hastily pack my things. I would have to leave my books and furniture behind, there simply wasn't time, but I took everything else. I took special care to pack away all of my potions so they would not break, and I devoted an entire suitcase to clearing out my store room so I could continue to brew anything I might need. When I had all of my possession packed away, I shrunk my bags down and hid them away in my pockets. I had one last stop before I left the castle for what was likely to be the last time.

I slunk out of my quarters, attempting to reel my anger in a tiny bit as I climbed up the many stair cases that separated my quarters from those of Minerva McGonagall. She was likely to be sleeping at this early morning hour, but I couldn't spare the time to wait for her to wake properly. Lucky was with me however, and when I pounded on her chamber door she answered almost immediately, thought she did not look particularly pleased to see me in her doorway.

"To what do I owe the pleasure," she asked, her voice clearly stating that it wasn't actually a pleasure.

"I have resigned my post, both at Hogwarts as well as with the Order," I said bluntly, not stalling at her surprised face. "As I have little intention of returning to sort out the madness this war has become there is some insider information someone how isn't insane needs to know about."

"Go on," she said stiffly opening her door in an offering, but I did not enter her quarters.

"Albus is dying. He has been infected with an unstoppable dark curse. He was expecting me to kill him in the end to spare him the painful death that awaits him, but I will be doing no such thing," I sighed. "He will be surprised to discover that I know this, but he encountered the curse when he was idiot enough to put on a piece of jewelry that was also a horcrux containing part of the dark lord's soul."

I paused to allow her gasp, it wasn't often such dark magic was discussed, but I only gave her a second to let it sink in. I could see her struggling to keep up with me while she was rocked with the news about Albus.

"He is in the process of trying to hunt down and destroy the remaining horcruxes," I went on. "He will be surprised to discover that I have known about them since Harry Potter's second year where the boy inadvertently destroyed one of them, and I have been hunting them down since then. I have successfully tracked them all down, and destroyed almost all of them. I only just destroyed the one that was incidentally hidden within Order headquarters shortly before the end of the last school year."

"Severus," she gasped, interrupting when I paused to take a breath, but I waved her off with my hand.

"Nagini is the last horcrux that the dark lord actually knows he made." I continued without preamble. "There is another though, which the headmaster knows of, and he has guarded it as a close secret. The last horcrux that will have to be destroyed in order to bring about the downfall of the dark lord is in fact Harry Potter."

"No!" she gasped, stepping back as if putting distance between us would change the fact.

"The man's mind is going as the curse takes hold, so he is not making rational plans about how to deal with it all," I went on ignoring her. "The last two horcruxes are tied to living objects, so they only need be killed to be destroyed. And in accordance to prophecy the dark lord must be the one to kill Harry in order for Potter to be able to kill him. So before you get your knickers in a twist, Harry won't actually die so you need not think me callous. The bit of soul will die, which honestly Potter will be the better for anyway. Once that is done the outcome of the war is fairly straight forward. Thought if you feel kinder than me you might want to poison Albus and put him out of his misery."

There was a long silence while I waited to see if everything had sunk in for her.

'What brought you to all of this?" she finally asked in a hoarse voice as she sat heavily upon her coffee table.

"I got pulled into this whole mess to try and save a dear friend," I said stiffly. "When that failed my life somehow turned into a long strenuous effort to protect children, no matter how much I might hate them. I have bled for these children Minerva, and now a man losing his mind ordered me not to protect a child, and is giving up the search for a lost hurt girl, not to mention his secret plot to send Potter off to slaughter without anyone having a clue what is going on. I draw the line at hurting children."

She leveled me with her patented McGonagall stare, and I think it was the first time she truly saw me. It was certainly the first time she looked back at me with respect in her eyes.

"How do you know any of this?" she asked me stiffly.

"Woman," I sighed. "I am a spy. It is my job to know what people are hiding."

"We don't know you at all do we?" she asked me, her voice softening.

I scoffed at her, not at all in the mood to be sentimental with her.

"Just don't prove to me that I don't know you," I said icily as I backed out of her doorway. "Deal with the mad man masquerading as our leader, and for Merlin's sake protect the children from what is coming."

"Will you end up coming back?" she called after me as I started to make my way down the corridor.

"It is… unlikely," I sighed over my shoulder.

"Will you at least find her before you disappear into the ether?" she nearly shouted as I began to round the corner.

"Minerva, that is the point of this whole conversation," I snapped rather loudly. "Where exactly did you think I was going if it wasn't to kill Potter?"

I didn't wait for her to answer me, I simply slipped away into the early morning light. I was going to begin the search for Hermione Ganger in the way none of the dunderheads I worked with had thought to. Without magic. Somehow it seemed to slip their minds that Hermione Granger was a rather intelligent young girl, and she would know to avoid places she was known for if she was trying not to be found. She was also a muggle born, who wouldn't have to use magic to disappear if she didn't want to. I would do what I could to try and help this child I had failed, and I would have to hope that Minerva would take care of the rest.

Or I would die trying, because this mistake had to be rectified. Not since Lily had I felt this level of guilt. Once again I had put my trust blindly into an old man with his own agenda, and once again I had been wrong. I had invested little effort, simply passing a note because I was too concerned about my own safety. No I would not make such a mistake again.

-`-'-

-`-'-

**HPOV**

When I awoke, I was terribly disoriented. For a moment, when I regained my bearings I found I would have much rather remained confused. I could only vaguely feel my body through whatever pain killers they had given me, so it wasn't really the pain that disturbed me. It was the realization that there should be pain. The memories of what had caused the pain. I started to bite my lip, but I felt the stitches tugging when I moved it and I stopped.

I could hear the quiet beeping in the background that reminded me I had fled to a muggle hospital. I drew deep calming breaths to slow the pace of the beeping. The last thing I wanted right now was some nurse to come check why my heart rate was spiking. I didn't want to be forced to talk to someone and I was tempted to pretended I could not speak the language when someone did come to speak with me. I was nearly fluent in French and would be able to pull off the accent, but there was a high chance that someone in this hospital spoke French as well.

_German_ I thought as the nurse did come into the room, carrying a food tray with her. I wasn't fluent, but I knew enough to get by from a trip my parents had taken me on. _My Parents._

"Good morning miss, it's good to see you awake," she said as she maneuvered the rolling table over to my bed and put the tray on it. "How are you feeling?"

"Was sagst du da?" I asked in an awful accent.

"Oh you don't speak English, that explains why they didn't have a name on your chart," she said with a light smile, pulling the lid off of my food tray before she pointed at herself. "I'm Alice, you?"

She pointed at me expectantly, and I had to admit that even if I didn't speak English I would know what she wanted.

"Jean," I said in a gravelly voice attempting to point at myself and discovering that my arms hurt more than I thought.

"Alice Kupinger," she said pointing at herself again, and I had an internal crisis.

Should I give her my last name? I had already lied to her about my first name. Would she be able to figure out who I was if I gave her my last name?

"Jean" I said again pointing half-heartedly at myself. "Nur Jean."

She nodded a little stiffly but she didn't push any further.

"Well, Jean, I brought you some food," she said returning to her peppy attitude. "Would you like to feed it to you, so you can rest your arms?"

"Ich bin nicht hungrig," I sighed, looking away from her. "Ich will einfach nur schlafen."

"Okay," she said, her face showing that she clearly had no idea what I had just said to her. "I'll leave you too it then."

She quietly made her way back out of the room, and I was left with the food tray sitting just above my lap. I should be hungry, and the food didn't look as repulsive as hospital food was supposed to, but the very thought of eating repulsed me on a deep level.

-`-'-

They kept me in the hospital for two weeks, and each day progressed much like the first had. Eventually I was fed by the nurse, because she realized I wasn't going to eat any of my food. It was unpleasant to be spoon fed like some sort of child, but I had to admit it was easier than trying to bring my arms to my face. There were so many stiches holding my many wounds closed that I felt a bit like a ragdoll that had something sticky spilled on it. All of my movements were stiff and awkward and took more energy than they were truly worth.

Having my bandages changed was a daily torment. I could not look at the staff as they worked, because it was honestly too much to have them touch me. I frequently cried while they were touching me, but I used the excuse of not speaking English to keep from talking to them about how upset I was.

It seemed that they had figured out during the time that I had been unconscious that I had in fact been sexually assaulted, and they had done their best to heal whatever damage Malfoy had missed. They had also given me emergency contraception, so I was lucky to not have to worry about spawning some demon child. But because they knew what had happened, they kept trying to get me to talk to an on staff therapist. I clung to my fake German roots, and did not speak to anyone who entered my room after that.

There was no way I was ever going to be able to talk about what happened in that hallway. I couldn't bear to think about it. Surprisingly I did not cry about it. Each time something reminded me of my parents or of what had happened, I thought I would cry, but I just went very still. I would almost feel numb. There were ghosts of emotions attempting to move through me, but I would not allow myself to feel them. I was turning my back on it all. If I was going to be forced to survive this ordeal, then I was going to survive it as a different person. It was the only way.

So when I finally walked out of the hospital I adopted the idea that my name was Jean, but when I checked in at a nearby women's shelter I gave Granger as my last name. I would have stay with them until I could find a job, and then a place. My only alternative was to live on the streets, and that simply wasn't safe. I also couldn't pretend to be German again, unless I wanted them to find some way to send me to Germany.

There were several other woman staying at the shelter alongside me, but I did not speak with them. And they made a point to keep their distance as well. I knew they were uncomfortable looking at me. Quite frankly I was uncomfortable looking at myself, and I avoided mirrors at all costs. At first all I had were the summer clothes I had packed for the trip that never was, so I had no way of hiding all of my scars from the other woman.

The shelter owner took pity on me when I kept returning from job interviews without any luck, and bought me a pair of jean and a long sleeve shirt so I could cover some of the worst damage. It was after that when I was finally able to land a job. Unfortunately it was all the way in London so I was going to have to move out of the shelter sooner than I had anticipated. It was also as a waitress, so I wasn't going to be making enough money to stay somewhere on my own.

I slept in the bus station for two nights before I found a flier for a group of college students looking for a roommate. They were all male, which made me extremely uncomfortable, but my only other option was remaining homeless so I moved in with them. Honestly, I got more sleep at the bus station.

I worked the night shift at the diner, and when I came home, I snagged and hour of two of sleep in the mornings while the boys were at class. The sleep was full of nightmares, and I woke screaming long before they came back to the cramped flat. I couldn't sleep while they were in the house; I just didn't feel safe. They hardly ever spoke to me, and none of them so much as entered my personal space, let alone tried to touch me, but I just didn't trust them not to try something.

I went through this numbing routine with them for almost six months before I decided that I might as well try and do something with my life. I didn't have any particular dreams or aspirations anymore, just the nagging feeling that I should be doing _something_. So I decided to take the tests I would need to get in to a muggle college.

I hadn't been to a muggle school since I was eleven, so I would obviously need to get up to speed. I began giving up that two hour period of sleep in the mornings to leaf through the books the boys hadn't taken to classes with them. I was running on fumes by the end of the first week, and I had to concede to trying to sleep while the boys were in the house.

I stuffed clothes at the base of the door to muffle any sound, and then I barricaded the door with the dresser I had managed to purchase after a month of living with them. Then I hid in my closet so I had another door to hide behind in case they managed to make their way into my room. It was terribly uncomfortable, and my nightmares increased tenfold, but I did manage to get an hour of sleep here or there.

I still woke screaming, but I managed to fall into a sense of routine again. The boys, who I spoke to so little I could never quite remember their names, always gave me strange looks when I made my way out of the bedroom to get ready for work. I got the impression they could still hear me screaming, but they didn't say anything so I also tried to pretend nothing was happening.

-`-'-

It wasn't until I had been staying with them for a year that I stumbled upon a way to get a little more sleep. I had passed my tests, and enrolled in one class up at the local college. It was all I could afford, and about all of the social interaction I could tolerate. It was a night class that I would normally leave from to go directly to work. One night though, I didn't have a shift, and all of the students were going down to a bar to watch a sporting event and have a drink. On a whim I followed them there, and I had a drink myself.

I sat in the corner, enjoying the dark, and the fact that no one bothered me. One drink turned in to several, and before I knew it I was absolutely sloshed. I paid my tab, and stumbled my way to the nearest bus. I rode it back to the flat with a pleasant buzz radiating through my body and my mind. When I made it to the apartment, and managed to not to trip to awfully maneuvering around the junk the boys left piled in the house, I was surprised to discover just how tired I was.

All of the boys were home, and sleeping, but I just couldn't picture waiting for them all to leave to go to sleep. I closed and locked my bedroom door, but I was too tired to do much else, so I simply slipped into my largely unused bed and drifted off to sleep.

I must have gotten a full eight hours before I woke up, and I awoke gently without any screams. I had a wretched hangover, but I had discovered a way to sleep peacefully and suddenly I couldn't wait to drink again.

-`-'-

I only occasionally went to after that night, but I drank every single morning after I got off work so I could fall asleep. I found out where the nearest liquor store and stocked up on the vodka I had discovered at the bar. It got me drunk much more quickly, and thus I could fall asleep sooner after a long shift at the diner. Days bled together with my new routine, and mercifully time seemed to pass more quickly when I was unable to think clearly enough to really know what was going on in my life.

The boys were looking at me strangely again, but they at least seemed relieved that I wasn't waking them with my screaming anymore. I kept my distance from them, and I discovered an ingenious way to keep everyone away from me on the nights I decided to actually venture out to the bars. I wore the summer clothes I had from all that time ago. They left the majority of my scarring exposed, and those repulsed people enough to keep them away. They repulsed me as well, but I made a point to avoid mirrors so it was a moot point. Besides when I was blitzed enough I could almost forget they were there.

My favorite night of avoidance was probably on my 19th birthday. I had managed to get y shifts arranged so I wouldn't have to work on it, not that I told my boss why I didn't want to be at work. I dressed in a light summer dress that was green, and wore black tights to cover some of the worst of the scarring. I wanted people to keep their distance, but it was my birthday and I wanted to feel at least a little pretty as well. I went to the bar early in the evening, and I had myself a grand old time, that frankly I wasn't likely to remember.

When it was closing time I found myself on the street, in the distinctly seedy neighborhood dancing to music that I could hear playing off somewhere in the distance. Dancing might have been an exaggeration, as I was really just swaying about like a drunken idiot, but for the first time since that summer three years ago I felt the ghost of what might have been happiness.

I ignored the people who seemed to be watching me, honestly too drunk to care. They were probably just staring at my scars anyway. I swayed around in the light of a street lamp humming to myself lost to the world until some guy leered about something sexual and tried to grab my wrist. I bit down on the scream trying to tears out of my throat, and it ended up coming out a bit like a growl. It was surprisingly intimidating and gave me the opportunity to rip my wrist free of his grip. I gave a swift kick to his shin, knowing my heavy boot would leave a bruise.

"Back the fuck off," I shouted at him before I moved partially out into the street to hail a cab.

My heart was racing in my chest as I fought off the panic of someone touching me, but at the same time I felt a bit reassured that I had been able to deal with him so easily. Like maybe I could take care of myself. I heard the guy cursing as he walked away but I was busy stepping out of the way for the cab that was pulling over to pick me up.

"26 Neasden Lane," I told the cabbie cheerfully before sprawling out in the back seat.

"Don't you throw up back there," he barked clearly worried about how inebriated I was.

"Aye aye captain," I sighed lazily, not feeling remotely ill anyway.

The ride took what seemed forever, and I wondered just how far I had wandered through town to end up at that bar anyway. When the cab finally rolled to a stop outside of the apartment building I had to hand all that was left of the cash in my purse to pay out the meter. I grumbled at him about his ridiculous prices as I stumbled out of the cab my boot catching on the curb and tripping me up.

"Jesus Jean," the roommate I wasn't sure I had ever known the name for shouted as he lurched forward to catch me before my face slammed into the side walk.

I wasn't able to hold back the scream when his arms wrapped around me to pull me to my feet. I immediately struggled out of his grasp putting a good three feet of space between us.

"God, no don't do that," I gasped before I was able to get a grip on myself. "I mean uh… thanks for that… you're a gent."

"Do you need me to help you up the stairs?" he asked hesitantly as I weaved my way toward the door on my sea legs.

"I think I can manage it," I called over my shoulder as I let myself into the stairway, and then let go of the little dignity I had left tonight and crawled up the stairs so I wouldn't tumble back down them in my drunken stupor.


	3. Don't find fault, find a remedy

_**Songs for this chapter: HPOV: How You Remind Me by NIckleback and SPOV: Protection by Massive Attack**_

* * *

><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

I had been searching for much longer than anticipated. There truly wasn't a magical signature to tip me off, and for all that the muggle world knew Hermione Granger seemed to have disappeared from the planet at age eleven. Being rather accomplished at my work for the Order as well as the death eaters, I had expected to find her within a month or two at the latest.

Imagine my surprise when the months started turning into years, and no matter where I searched throughout England I could not seem to find any trace of her. I checked anywhere and everywhere a teenage girl might go to hide, but she simply wasn't there. If she were at least using magic I might have the ability to track her that way, but as far as I could tell she wasn't even using accidental magic.

As much as it pained me to consider it, it had been a little over three years since that summer day and I still hadn't seen a trace of her, I was seriously considering giving up the search. I found myself walking the streets of London aimlessly, hoping my feet would take me somewhere useful while I debated what the right answer was. I had sworn an oath to myself to seek her out and help her, and once again I had failed her.

I was wallowing in self-hatred over the decision to give up the search when it happened. After all this time without so much as a whisper to her whereabouts I very nearly crashed into her on the street by a sleazy bar. I froze where I stood, unsure if I was seeing something real and not an illusion I had created in my desperation to find the girl. But there she was, though it wasn't likely even her friends from Hogwarts would recognize her now.

She was wearing a green dress and black tights that did nothing to hide how thin she was. She was dancing lazily to music that was playing somewhere in the distance. And she was absolutely pissed, barely managing to stay upright in her clunky leather boots. It was a sight that I certainly never would have expected to see from the know-it-all Hermione Granger, but as odd as it was it wasn't her behavior or even her clothes that knocked the air out of my lungs.

It was her skin. The dim streetlight helped to hide them a bit, but I could clearly see that she was riddled with scars. I was beyond shocked to realize that Lucius had brought out his ring knives once again. He had only used them once in the first war, and only on a victim who was fated for death anyway. Long scars crisscrossed her shoulders and arms, and I imagined if she weren't wearing tights I would see them on her legs as well, not to mention under her dress. When she lazily slung her left arm over her head the lamplight gleamed off her arm, and I saw that they had carved the word Mudblood into her forearm. I bit back the rage I felt when I pictured Bellatrix doing that to her.

I was still staring dumbly at the girl when some drunken pervert stumbled over to her, soliciting her as if she were a street worker. I was about to intervene when he sealed his own fate. He grabbed her wrist and a feral indescribable sound ripped from her throat as she tore her arm loose her eyes snapping open.

"Back the fuck off!" she shouted at him in a primal voice planting a swift kick on his leg.

The only person more shocked than me was the man who was now limping away to safety muttering about crazy women. Again I wanted to walk forward and protect her somehow but she was already pulling open the door of the cab she had hailed. I felt the anxiety build in my chest when I realized how easily I could lose her right here once more. To my luck, her drunkenness kept her from being secretive about where she was telling the cabbie to take her.

"26 Neasden Lane," she all but shouted at him as she climbed into the cab.

The door snapped shut after that so I couldn't hear what they were talking about, but my feet were already carrying me into the nearest alley way so I could apparate to the address she had given him. I slipped into the darkness, gripping my wand were it was holstered against my left hip I turned to the left and disappeared with a subtle cracking sound.

I reappeared on a side street that had an easy view of the apartment building she would soon be appearing at. I cringed to think she was living in such a rundown neighborhood where a young girl would hardly be safe. I saw a young man on the stoop of the building smoking, and I drew my wand, prepared to hex him if he tried to give her any trouble. It would be easier to simply intercept her before she could get into the building, but I had already witnessed how she reacted to the first person who tried to interact with her while she was as drunk as she was, and I wasn't in the mood to be assaulted this evening.

After about 15 minutes the cab arrived in front of the building, and I shifted onto the street so I could see around the car. She climbed awkwardly out of the car, and immediately tripped on the curb. To my surprise the boy who had been smoking on the stoop surged forward to catch her before she hit the ground.

"Jesus Jean," he shouted as he rushed at her, and I realized my mistake.

All this time I had been searching for Hermione Granger, and that wasn't even the name she was using. Why hadn't it occurred to me to seek out her middle name? It was a bit of a disgrace that I had underestimated her intelligence so thoroughly. I was berating my idiocy while I watched her scream and tear herself out of her arm.

Well shit, I thought to myself. Clearly the length of time since the attack meant nothing, it may as well have happened yesterday for the way he was reacting to touch. I wondered vaguely if she allowed anyone to touch her at all. I could certainly understand if she didn't.

"God, no don't do that," she rasped at him, and I cringed thinking she was about to start crying. ""I mean uh… thanks for that… you're a gent."

Well she certainly recovers quickly… When had she learned to use flattery as a form of distraction anyway? She certainly never did that at Hogwarts, as well as I could remember anyway.

"Do you need me to help you up the stairs?" he asked her as she staggered away from him, and as nice as he was trying to be I could tell he didn't want to try and approach her again.

"I think I can manage it," she slurred at him before she entered the building.

I caught a flash of her literally crawling up the stairs before the door swung shut. There was no sign of Hogwarts brightest witch of her generation left in the drunken girl dragging herself home. I couldn't even begin to count the ways we had all failed her. She was no longer a child, but more than ever she was in need of someone to help her, that much was certain.

"It'll be a miracle if she doesn't die of liver failure," the boy muttered to himself as he stubbed out his cigarette on the sidewalk. "If she doesn't just kill herself."

He'd added it as an afterthought, but it gave me plenty of insight to just how bad it must have gotten with Hermione. Clearly she knew this man, because she hadn't assaulted him for touching her, but even he wasn't actually allowed to touch her. He saw enough of her to know that this episode of drunkenness wasn't a fluke, and his words gave me the impression it might be a daily occurrence. Well I wasn't one to judge using liquor to dull the edges, I was guilty of it for most of the first war.

The boy went inside, so I made a mental note of the address and apparated back to Spinner's End so I could break out my laptop and do more research on her. I had long ago hacked into the government pages that would allow me to track her if she had a job or a bank account. Now I just needed to put in this new name and see if it revealed any other information. It would be nice to know the answers ahead of time rather than having to stalk her every time she left her apartment.

A quick search revealed several things to me. First was her address which I already knew. Then I found out that she worked at a diner on the edge of town, and I jotted down the address so I could try and find her there tomorrow. I found where she was banking which I noted off hand, but didn't investigate further. I also discovered, somewhat to my surprise that she was also registered at UCL for a night class on chemistry. I took a moment to look up the address of the college as well on the chance that I would need to look for her there instead of at the diner.

I sat back in my chair staring idly at the screen. It was already going on three in the morning, and I should really sleep. If the burning in my eyes was any indication, I had clearly been awake for too long, but I just couldn't get my mind to stop whirring. Who was this girl living inside the body of Hermione Granger? What if I couldn't help her? Merlin knows I've got enough of my own problems. What do I know about healing? I snapped my laptop closed with a groan and made my way up to my bedroom. I settled in for a night of staring at the ceiling.

* * *

><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

I had a killer headache when I woke up in the afternoon. The sun was shining in through my bedroom window, and I swear I could hear the beams hitting my bedding. I pulled my aching body up out of my nest of blankets and hastily pulled down the shade. When it still wasn't dark enough with the shade down I buried my head under all of my blankets and tried not to groan about how awful I felt. I shouldn't groan because I did it to myself, and I wouldn't groan because of how badly it would hurt my head.

I wallowed there for an immeasurable amount of time, but eventually I had to force myself out of bed if only to relieve myself. I climbed awkwardly out of bed, noting that I had slept in my clothes from the night before, but at least managed to get my boots off. Thankfully none of the guys were home, so when I finished with the loo I opted to grab a quick shower as well.

I took two aspiring before climbing in the shower, and then spent a good twenty minutes just letting the water wash down over me, feeling too awfully to lift my arms and wash my hair. When I heard the pipes creak with the first warning that the hot water was going to run out I hurried to wash, and climbed out of the shower just as the water was starting to get cold.

I dashed back to my room, wrapped only in my towel, on edge in case anyone had come home. I breathed a sigh of relief when I was once again behind my closed bedroom door. It seemed inadequate to call it a bedroom since I spent all of my time here. I only ventured out into the apartment to use the restroom. I didn't even bother with the kitchen as I kept a stock of bottled water and food that didn't need to be refrigerated in the room and ate my meals on my bed while reading and rereading my course books or anything I brought home from the library.

I spent the few hours I had before I had to go in to work for the swing shift doing just that. I had a less than hearty breakfast of bottled water and saltine crackers because I couldn't be bothered to come up with something more elaborate. I reread the latest chapter in my chemistry book since I was expecting a quiz in tomorrow's lesson.

When it started getting closer to time for work I decided I needed to put on my dreaded uniform. When I went to the bars I left my scars uncovered to keep people away, but at work I was forced to put them on display because of the uniform and it was uncomfortable. The own required us all to wear these stupid blue dresses, and we weren't allowed to personalize them in anyway, so I couldn't wear tights or an undershirt to cover my scars. I basically never put my serving tray down, because I used it to cover the scar that could be so easily read on my forearm.

I pulled on the dress, refusing to look at myself, and set to work taming my hair. It didn't really have any life anymore, possibly from the drinking or my less than stellar diet. It made it look a bit crappy and dull, but at least it wasn't a bushy disaster anymore either. I convinced the lifeless heap to go into a messy bun that looked halfway presentable, and by the time I had pulled on my shoes it was time for me to go to work. I didn't want to bother with a purse, so I put my key to the apartment in my bra cup and left everything else behind.

I hoofed it the 7 blocks over to the diner, and made it back to the time clock with roughly 30 seconds to spare before I would have been late. The late dinner crowd was out in full force so I hit the floor running, and quickly found myself swamped with several tables.

I was making the required conversation, and offering the best smiles I could must for all the paying customers, but I would have rather been hiding back in the kitchen if I were being honest. Two of my orders came up at the same time, so I was balancing and overloaded tray on each arm when I made my way out of the kitchen. I'd been doing this for a while, so it wasn't really an issue. Not until today. Today, I swung around the corner of the counter and started heading for the back corner where my tables were and I swear to all that is holy the world stopped spinning.

First all I saw was a black spot in the middle of the brightly lit diner. Then my brain caught up to my eyes and the blackness to shape resolving itself into trousers and a frock coat. When my eyes landed on the curtain of black hair framing a pale face my arms went limp and I heard the plates crashing to the floor around me. I should have stooped to pick them up, but I was too busy trying to remember how to breath.

_Severus Snape_.

I would recognize that man anywhere, and my heart was attempting to gallop out of my chest when I realized that I was faced with the first wizard I had seen in three years, and of all the people to encounter it was a wizard who hated me.

I stumbled backward away from the mess I had made on the floor drawing a gasping breath as I turned back toward the kitchen. I pulled my apron off throwing it on the counter as I rounded back around and headed toward the kitchen.

"I quit," I shouted at Leon the owner who was working the grill. "Don't worry about paying me out, you can keep it."

He just stared at me dumbly as I snatched the few tips I had made out of the cup with my name on it, and I dashed out the back door that let out in the alley. I had no idea how much time I had to make a getaway. Wizards could travel faster than muggles, and the man in question was a spy so I was probably already screwed.

I ran down the alley using it to get on a back street, and looping the long way around to my apartment. I ran full out the whole way, my heart racing in my chest but I never heard footsteps pursuing me. It seemed to take me ages to make it back to the apartment, and I was panting heavily when I pulled the key out of my bra to let myself into the apartment.

The boys were home and looked startled by my appearance, but I didn't even spare them a wave as I dashed into my room. I pulled my duffle out of the closet and started haphazardly tossing everything I could fit inside. I got most of my clothes as well as my school books to fit inside before I zipped it up. I huffed when I realized I would have to leave the rest of my things behind, but there just simply wasn't enough time.

"I'm moving out," I told them breathily as I threw the bag over my shoulder and made my way out of the room. "Sorry about the short notice. You can have my tip money to put toward the rent gap until you find a replacement."

I didn't wait for a reply. I just dropped the money that I had carried in with me, along with my key on the coffee table in front of them and I ran back out of the apartment. I nearly toppled down the stairs in my haste to get out of the building. I hurried out into the night and every shadow or change in light was certainly Snape swooping down on me. I worked myself into a right state running blindly through the streets with no idea where to go.

In the end I wandered onto campus, dead tired from all the running, and my feet lead me toward the library. _When in doubt go to the library_ whispered in the back of my mind and my hearted ached to think of who had once said that too me. I snuck in while the librarian was distracted and scurried down into the stacks where basically no student was ever found. The library would be closing soon, so I just had to manage to keep from being seen until then, and then I would be safe until at least morning.


	4. You can run

**Just a heads up, there will be a gap between this update and the next. I am going on vacation, and the computer is not coming with me **

_**Song for this chapter: Renegade by Styx**_

**HPOV**

It took another half an hour for them to start shutting down the library. I stuffed my bag between the wall and a book shelf, and hid myself under one of the tables with a chair blocking the immediate view of me while the librarian did a quick walked through. Five minutes later the lights clicked off, and I was left sitting in almost complete darkness, broken only by the green light emanating from the exit signs on either side of the room.

I listened patiently for the sound that there was anyone in the library with me. When my ears were met with nothing but silence I deemed it safe enough to come out from under the table. My heart still hadn't quite slowed in my chest as I thought about how close I had come to falling into the hands of another wizard. I walked on shaky legs through the darkness to retrieve my bag from behind the book shelf.

I took the bag with me, and went to stand directly under the exit sign so I might have enough light to see something. I listened to the sound of my still slightly ragged breathing as I pawed through my bag pulling out a pair of jeans and my white striped long sleeve shirt. I quickly removed my waitressing outfit and pulled on more comfortable clothes. I wouldn't be needing the uniform anymore, I felt my way around in the darkness until I found a trash can where I deposited the stupid blue dress.

Then all I could do was wait for morning. So I held my bag close to my chest, and I sat on one of the chairs and rested my head on the table. My body was exhausted but there was no way I could sleep now. All I could think about what magic would mean for my life. Why now? Why him? Was he going to drag me back to the wizarding world? Which side was he really on anyway? Did sides even matter anymore? I didn't want anything to do with magic anymore whether it was good magic or bad magic. None of it was safe.

My heart rate gradually slowed to normal, but still I could not sleep. My mind raced and every creak of the old building was Snape swooping in on me to take me away to the wizarding world against my will. Once I listed toward the cusp of sleep and a vivid memory of the horribly painful walk to the car as I fled my house jarred me away from even the idea of sleep.

I had spent years completely repressing everything about that night, and now with just the sighting of a wizard things were starting to slip through the cracks. It was enough to make me scream. The last thing I needed to was starting screaming like a mad woman and draw people in to the library. And I certainly did need anyone looking in to my sanity as it was barely hanging by a thread. I would not soon forget, though I might try, the way the doctors had looked at me when I couldn't stop shaking and screaming in the hospital. They couldn't understand that the shaking was an after effect of the cruciatus curse, but it was probably pretty clear that the screaming was because they dared to touch me without giving me warning.

It was just over three years later, but I suddenly felt like that girl huddled up in a hospital bed terrified of the sound of her own breathing. With that thought suddenly I wasn't afraid. No I was angry. Who did he think he was anyway? Why was he showing up here and destroying the careful balance I had created in my life?

My anger carried me through the night, and let me remain alter enough to hear the morning staff coming. I hid under the table again, this time just keeping my bag with me. I waited patiently for the librarian to make a round, and then when she had settled on the ground floor I took a chance and came out of hiding. I waited around at the table for about an hour, and when I knew the coffee cart would be open I decided it was time to reveal that I was present in the library. I dug through my bag to find my wallet, and then I slung my bag somewhat awkwardly over my shoulder so if someone glanced at me, they might just assume it was a backpack.

I climbed up the stairs to the ground floor and bee-lined for the coffee cart. I hadn't eaten since the saltine crackers I had nibbled on before work, and with all of the running I was actually ravenously hungry for the first time I could remember in a long time. I bought a tall coffee and two scones from the tired girl running the cart, and retreated back to my bedroom of sorts down below.

It was morning, so I didn't have to worry about hiding anymore. Now it was more about seeming like I was supposed to be here. So I pulled my chemistry book out of my bag, and opened it in front of me while I sipped my coffee and devoured my scones. Honestly they were gone too soon but I tried not to think about it. I kept drinking my coffee, and stared at my book like I was reading it as I wondered how long I could stay here. How long I would have too more like it. Would he come looking? Or was I just over reacting?

When the coffee was gone I settled for actually reading my book. In part it was for something to do to while away the day until I had class, and partly because another person had come down into the stacks and I didn't want them to bother me. That was the nice thing about libraries, it didn't matter where you were there was a universal rule that you simply didn't disturb a person who had their head buried in a book.

I whiled away the hours until my class reading about the citric acid cycle. Without my permission my mind began to make connections between my chemistry lessons and some of the more theory based lessons I had sat on potions. I attempted to banish the thoughts, but they kept coming back. My mind was so frayed by the time that night came, I was seriously considering dropping the class altogether if it wasn't going to stop reminding me of the magical world.

When the time came I wearily gathered my things, and forced my duffle to masquerade as a back pack once more as I trudged out of the library. I could feel the tiredness in every limb of my body, but I groggily drug myself down the stairs that let out onto the path between the buildings. It was growing dark outside, but I could still see pretty well, and I kept my eyes peeled for a danger that I didn't really think would be there, but I was vigilant for none-the-less.

I made it a quarter of the way to the science building before I ran into a man. I managed to dodge to the side before I actually collided with him, but when I snapped my head to the side to say something rather nasty to him my voice died on my lips. The plain jeans and black t-shirt had mislead me, but the black hair and prominent nose were not so easy to hide. I gasped and backed further away from him, and then to my horror I seemed to cast some sort of unintended spell as he began to be forcefully pushed away from me by an invisible wind. I cried out in surprise and turned on my heel to run away.

"Wait Hermione," he called, his voice growing more distance as he was pushed further from me.

"No," I gasped, but it had nothing to do with his words.

My own body was betraying me and using magic. How could it be? I turned my back on him and I ran. I ran from him, and I ran from what I had just done. I was running blind, so terrified I didn't even know where I was going. My world dimmed down to the sound of my feet hitting the pavement, the feel of my bag hitting my back, and the air rasping through my lungs.

I ran for what seemed like hours, until my body simply wouldn't go any further. Night had fallen completely, and I wasn't in any neighborhood I recognized. I was actually in a much nicer part of London than I was used to. That had and upside and a downside. The upside being that I was much safer in regards to other muggles, but the downside was that I would be spotted rather quickly if I lingered anywhere for too long.

I couldn't stay in any business over night, and the parks were out of the question. There wasn't a bus station anywhere like the one I had stayed in before I had found the place with the boys. I got a sick feeling in my stomach when I realized what my last option was, and tried not to think about how unsafe it was while I started looking for alleyways.

I found one between a beauty parlor and a book store, and wandered into it when none of the people passing by on the street seemed to be paying much attention. There was a dumpster about halfway down and I decided that would have to do as a bit of cover from being discovered. I sat my bag on the ground beside it, and then I sat down upon my bag and curled my knees up to my chest. It wasn't exactly cold in London yet, but it wasn't warm this evening either, and I found myself wishing I had grabbed my jacket before abandoning the apartment. At the time it had seemed stupid because of how much room it would have taken up in my bag. Only now did it occur to me that I could have put it on and thus not had to worry about how much space it was taking up.

I spent the night rubbing my hands over my arms to try and stay warm, and watching the alley around me. My eyes burned with tiredness, but I couldn't allow myself to sleep, not when I was this exposed. My body knew it needed to rest, having been up far longer than 24 hours, but my mind could not relax. So I watched, and I waited, and eventually the sun did rise. I waited a bit longer, until I started to hear the first cars whipping by in the street.

Then I climbed stiffly up from my post, and put my bag on my back once more. I walked back down the alley, and tried to look casual as I turned out onto the street. There were only a few people walking about this early but no one seemed to have noticed where I had come from so I breathed a tiny sigh of relief and made my way up the street looking for a branch of my bank. I had formulated a plan overnight, and it was going to take quite a bit of the money I had been able to save up from work.

By the time I actually found a branch of Barclays it was late enough in the morning for them to be open. I put on my most professional face, glad that the only scar showing today was the one on my face that was impossible to hide anyway. I walked up to the female teller nearest the door.

"Good morning miss, what can I do for you today?" she asked me in a far too chipper voice.

"I would like to withdraw all of my funds and shut down my account," I answered plainly.

"Is there something we could do to make your experience with Barclays more pleasurable?" she asked, clearly against the idea of shutting down the account.

"Oh you are a fine establishment," I assured her airily. "I'm leaving the country, and I intend to open an account with a local bank."

"We could transfer your funds for you," she suggested. "Travelling with large amounts of money isn't very safe."

"When you see how little money I have you will be less worried," I chuckled at her. "I need to be getting to the train station so if we could…"

I let it hang, but she jumped right to business assuming by my briskness that I was upset. I didn't have it in me to get upset about the goings on at a bank. In the grand scheme of things, what did it matter if a teller was trying to talk me out of something? It's not as if she was a dark wizard trying to track me down, now was she?

Soon I had all of the money to my name in my possession, and I quickly added it to my wallet before slipping my wallet back into my bag and making my way out of the bank. It would have been quicker to get to the train station if I took a cab, but I needed to conserve my money. So once again I hoofed it across town.

It took ages. My feet hurt, and I was so dreadfully tired I thought I might retch. But eventually I did get there. I checked the boards looking for the next leaving train, and I was surprised to discover it was the chunnel. Out of the country in one easy step, and I had just been lying at the bank. I found a ticket gate, and purchased a seat on the chunnel that was leaving in five minutes.

I ran through the station ignoring the angry looks I got from travelers I may have hit with my bag as I flew by. I caught up to the train just as they were preparing to close the doors. I hastily handed over my ticket to the man at the door, taking my stub and going to find somewhere to sit. It wasn't until the train was moving, and I was settled into a seat with my bag in my lap that I looked at my stub to see where it was I was going to. Calais, France. Well at least I can speak French.

I did a quick scan of the other people on the train, and when I saw that they were all either old or mothers with children I felt marginally safer. I didn't see any dark haired wizards anywhere, so I breathed a little easier. And as the train built up speed I finally allowed myself to drift off into an uneasy sleep.


	5. The evil that men do lives after them

_**Song for this chapter: No Light No Light by Florence + The Machine**_

**SPOV**

She clearly hadn't meant to, but Hermione Granger forcefully pushed me completely off the college campus and into a busy street before the strength of her magic waned. I moved swiftly to dodge out of the way of oncoming traffic, and by the time I found myself on the other side of the street safely out of the way I know longer felt the force of her pushing me away.

Was she aware she no longer had control of her magic?

Not for the first time, I wondered what exactly had happened in that suburban home so many summers ago. I could infer certain things based on her appearance, and on what I had witnessed in similar situations, but I had never witnessed a situation that left a witch unable to control her magic. What had happened in that house?

In the back of my mind I knew that I should go after her before I lost her once again, but I had that nagging feeling that I was missing a piece of the puzzle wavering around in the back of my mind. I had learned from years as a spy to never ignore the nagging feeling, so I did not make me way to follow her once again. Instead I began looking for an empty alleyway while my mind raced.

I knew who the three present that night were, but I also knew that two of them where dead. Dolohov had been killed shortly after that very mission, it was rumored to have been at the hand of Remus Lupin, and I suspected it was rage over the loss of Hermione that drove the man to use deadly force when he never had before. Most everyone in the wizarding world believed the mistaken assumption that Hermione Granger was dead, and before the casualties of war climbed even higher quite a few had been rather torn up over it. I just wanted to smack them for being so idiotic to begin with, but I was rather occupied with trying to track down said witch.

And then there was Bellatrix, who had in fact been slain in the final battle at Hogwarts just under a year later. She had died amongst many of the other death eaters who found themselves in a hopeless battle to the death after their master had been quickly slain in the wake of his presumed victory over the boy who lived.

Then I knew from the papers, that Lucius was in fact still alive, mostly because he had turned sides in the middle after a curse from a death eater ended the life of his wife. I admit I was not entirely surprised that he turned sides in the end, having slowly grown disheartened with the dark lord over time, but I was surprised he had not still been punished in some way for his action either way. The scarred flesh of Hermione Granger was a testament to one of his many crimes, and yet he was free. Not likely to be enjoying that freedom, with Draco having been slain in the final battle as well. He was alone now.

To my knowledge, he was still living at Malfoy manor, and that was where I was going now to see him. I would get the whole story from him, and then I knew in my heart that I would kill him. It didn't matter that he was my oldest friend, or that he had once been my mentor when I joined the ranks of the death eaters. He had crossed a line I hadn't realized I had drawn in the sand. I knew that the line had existed within myself that no matter what debauchery I was forced to participate in to keep my cover, I would never violate a child or so help me I would end my own life. I hadn't realized that I had drawn that line with those around me, but as I entered the dark alley way a few streets down from the college campus, picturing the manor in my mind, I realized that the line was crystal clear for me. He could not be allowed to live after what he had done to that girl.

It was with such thoughts plaguing my mind that I disappeared from the alley in London and reappeared outside the house I had not set foot inside for three years. It looked forlorn in comparison to the grandeur it used to be. The garden had wilted and grown wild respectively without Narcissa to care for it, and there were no random bits of childhood lingering without Draco to come home from school and liter the lawn with his things. The house itself seemed to be colored in shades of grey, and the change was so drastic that I found my resolve wavering as I made my way closer to the front door.

I mounted the steps silently, noting for the first time that perhaps I should have changed into wizarding robes before coming here. No, I thought, it seemed only right that I should look exactly like my muggle half when I severed the one lifetime tie I had to the wizarding world. I pushed the door open quietly, not surprised to see the jumpy house elf watching me from the base of the stairs when I entered.

"Where is he?" I asked barely louder than a whisper before he could address me by name.

I drew my wand as a silent acknowledgement to the elf that I was not asking casually, and he shakily pointed me toward the library before he fell into step behind me. I walked quickly toward the library with my elven shadow, and I saw that the fire was lit so he was surely sitting in there.

"Lucius," I said darkly as I stepped into the room that was lit only by the fire and took him in.

He was sitting in the dark drinking, and he looked like hell. His hair looked like it hadn't been brushed in the better part of a year, and he had a beard of stubble growing. His robes were disheveled, and I wondered how long he had been sitting in that chair.

"Is it that time Severus?" he asked quietly, barely looking up from his drink. "I've wondered since you went after her, when you would come for me."

"You knew where I was?" I asked, honestly surprised that any amongst the rank of the death eaters knew what I had been up to after I had turned on the dark lord.

"Severus, I knew that you had been here before we departed for the mission that night," he said quietly before taking a drink. "Don't be so shocked, your memory charm on my elf was not very effective. Coupling that knowledge with your sudden decision to abandon the war, it wasn't hard to decipher where you had gone. I wonder if you have yet figured out the entire story behind your actions?"

"Of course I have," I snapped. "I have always drawn the line at children Lucius you know this. It was a line I believed you had drawn as well."

"So did I my dear boy, so did I," he sighed. "But I think that is the smaller of the reasons why you have gone after the girl."

"I have no idea what you are talking about," I snapped.

"Perhaps you don't," he sighed again. "Not yet anyway. It's no matter though, you aren't here to talk with me, you are here for business."

"Indeed I am," I said, schooling all emotion from my voice. "First I want to know what happened that night."

"You don't really," he said, finally looking up from his drink to meet my eyes. "You cannot un-know something like that. I've certainly been trying for years now."

"Surely you do not expect me to believe you have grown a conscience?" I scoffed at him.

"Yes, because only Severus Snape is allowed to see the light," he said with an air of the old arrogance he was famous for. "It doesn't matter if you believe I am truly remorseful for what happened in that hallway that night. I mean only to tell you that I don't think you truly want to know the full of it."

"Well in the end it is my decision to make is it not?" I asked him, surprised by how his words stung. "Will you tell me what happened that night, or will I have to take it from your mind forcefully?"

"You may take it from my mind willingly," he said softly. "I wish not to speak it."

He held my gaze firmly, and waited patiently for me to cast the spell. My trepidation grew at the idea that Lucius Malfoy would not speak aloud what had taken place in that house.

"Legillimens," I whispered, and I was thrown into his mind.

He was reliving the memory, and I was shocked to realize the truth of his words when I felt the emotions attached to watching himself and his companions torture the girl. I fought to keep my stomach as I watch Dolohov move quickly from her parents onto the girl. I felt a bit of pride for her that she did not scream while she was tortured, but I also felt fear for her, knowing that would set Bella's teeth on edge.

The entire memory was drenched in regret long before Lucius took his turn, but it became utterly unbearable to feel his emotional response when it came his turn to destroy the girl. I found I finally believed he had been truly hurt to be forced to cross the line drawn between him a children. That is not to say he did not do his job thoroughly, but he really did hate every second of it. I could barely stand to watch as he sliced he skin open repetitively.

If I thought his actions made my stomach turn, I was hardly prepared for his own reactions let alone mine to what Bellatrix did. Watching her brand Hermione was enough to unbalance a person, but when she stabbed Hermione in her most private area, I very nearly retched on the floor. I pulled myself forcefully from Lucius's mind, and surprised myself by the self-soothing behavior of hugging my torso as I turned away from him.

"You need to watch the rest," he said quietly. "You will truly understand the extent of the damage then."

"There is more?" I groaned unwilling to turn and look at him just yet.

"Nothing like that," he said hoarsely, his voice revealing what his mind already had of his opinion of Bella's actions. "Just watch the rest Severus."

I turned back to him, meeting his pained gaze with my own, and I cast the spell once more.

I was thrown back into his mind, the memory picking up where it had left off, and I watched as for the first time that night Hermione screamed in their presence. She went to pieces before them, no longer caring about remaining strong. It broke heart to watch her, but I kept looking on, taking in the descent from the bright witch I had once known to the shell of a girl that existed now.

My heart rate climbed as I watched Lucius attempt to heal the damage Bellatrix had done. I felt his grief in that moment, and I understood that as the beginning of the end of his service for the dark lord. My heart rippled with something I couldn't quite name when I heard Hermione try to coax him into killing her. I felt Lucius's momentary pride that she did not beg him before his rage over took him and no matter his newly discovered care for the girl, he tortured her once more. The memory faded into nothing as he left the house with the girl screaming on the floor, casting the dark mark before he disappeared.

I withdrew from him mind once more and stood in silence for a long time simply staring at his face. The moment had come, and I realized that I could not do it. When he was truly remorseful for his actions I found myself unable to bring his death. With my very soul I still believed he deserved to die, but I was no longer capable of doing it.

"Lucius," I said, my voice cracking with the weight of everything between us.

"What is it that you want me to say to you Severus," he said after a long silence. "We both know that this changes nothing. I am still the man who did those things."

"You must do it yourself," I said as I turned my back on him to face the elf. "Fetch a poison for your master."

"Master?" the elf said leaning to the side so he was looking at Lucius instead of me.

"Yes," he said quietly, his eyes drifting closed in resignation. "Do fetch me a poison would you?"

Just the way he spoke to his elf expounded upon the changes in the man, but still I could not back down from this.

"Also fetch the potion inside the locked cabinet in the silver bottle," he instructed and I quirked my brow at him.

He looked at me for a long time, debating something internally, but I did not probe his mind to find out what exactly.

"The knives are cursed," he said finally. "I am sure she remains unable to move forward from what happened, because her mind for the most part remains locked in that night. The potion will release her from the curse. It may even allow the scars to heal, but of that I am not certain."

The rage I felt at his admission to the curse was almost enough to kill him right then, but instead I found myself suddenly unwilling to give him the sweet release of death. I was tempted to remove the poisons from his home and make him live out the rest of his miserable life without the company of his wife and child out of purse spit. Images of the guttural reactions Hermione had whenever anyone touched her flashed through my mind, and I realized my assumption that she hadn't moved beyond that night were more right than I ever could have expected. But how to get her to take the potion when I couldn't get within ten feet of her?

The elf arrived with the potions, delivering both to Lucius, who in turn handed me the silver bottle with a surprisingly shaky hand. Then I watched him with cold eyes while he steadied his hand and drew the stopped out of the green glass vial he held in his hand. He raised it as if to toast whatever he was looking at before he touched the bottle to his lips and tipped it back taking the potion as quickly as one might a shot. I turned my head to the side momentarily and took in that he had toasted a painting of Narcissa, and then I returned my eyes to him.

The potion worked quickly, and I saw the tiniest bit of foam collect at the corners of his mouth as his breath grew labored. He drew three more ragged breaths before the room grew quiet around me. I watched him for a few more seconds, not quite able to look away from the body of my last friend. But eventually the time came that I should leave, and I strode out of the house without looking back.

The night seemed darker, but it could have been my mood as I swept away from the manor. I should have gone after Hermione, tracked her down yet again, but I did not. I stood outside the gate running my fingers over the silver bottle in my pocket thinking and I realized that where I needed to go next was going to be quite unpleasant. I needed access to literature on these types of curses, and for that I needed access to the largest wizarding library in the area.

It was with a heavy heart that I focused my mind on the gates of Hogwarts as I turned to the left and disappeared from outside of the now much more forlorn home. I knew the alarm bell would be ringing in the head's office up at the castle as the gate was closed, and did not open when I touched it. I was no longer a professor, and I would have to be given entrance by whoever was running the school at the moment. I would have to hope it was in fact Minerva or I would surely be turned away.

It took only moments for a figure to appear on the grounds, and as the dark shape moved closer I felt a sense of relief run through my. I would recognize the gait of Minerva McGonagall anywhere. She bustled up to the gate, opening her mouth to say something, her words dying on her lips when she saw who stood before her.

"Severus," she said finally, breaking the growing silence. "I had hoped that when I saw you again, if I saw you again, you would have Miss Granger with you."

"It is proving far more difficult to collect her than I imagined," I said silkily, not willing to give away much more than that. "That is in fact why I need access to the school library if you would so permit."

"Of course Severus," she said, tapping the gate with her wand so the iron sprung to life and swung open to allow me entrance.

I stepped inside, ignoring the sense of homecoming that washed over me, and hurried up toward the castle. I had much research to do, and the longer it took for me to find the answers I needed, the further Hermione would get from me.


	6. What are you hiding? No one asks that

**Assume any dialogue in the chapter is in French unless it is indicated otherwise by a speech tag. I figured I wouldn't force us all to use a translator on this chapter **

_**Songs for this chapter: Bother by Stone Sour and Suggestions by Orelia Has Orchestra**_

* * *

><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

When I arrived in Calais France I realized that I had absolutely no plan whatsoever and I began to panic once more. I was working myself into a right state as I walked the streets when I passed by a youth hostel and the screaming voice in my mind went quiet. They had an opening, and I had the money to stay for at least a little while. I pushed the front door open, and made my way over to the makeshift counter where a bored woman sat flipping through a fashion magazine with her feet propped up in front of her.

"Hello Miss," I said drawing her attention to me. "I saw that you have an opening."

"Yes," she said tiredly meeting my gaze. "The room is yours if you have the money."

I quickly produced my money, reading the rate sign on wall behind her, and trying to quickly calculate the conversion in my head as I counted out the proper amount of money for her.

"I only have British money at the moment," I said as I offered her a fist full of money. "But I will go out and get it the rest converted into Euros straight away."

She seemed content with this promise and took the money I was offering her before handing me a key to a room that I would be staying in.

"Third floor," she instructed turning back to her magazine with a bored look on her face. "Your rent is due every Sunday."

"Thank you," I told her quickly bowing my head slightly.

I pushed the key quickly into my pants pocket and went back out into the street looking first for the nearest bank. As soon as I had taken care of the conversion I would start looking for any business that had an opening. I was going to need a job if I was going to be able to afford to stay here. I just had to hope that they wouldn't ask for much information on me. I wasn't entirely sure I was allowed to work in France without some sort of Visa, and I certainly wasn't going to return to England to get the proper paperwork.

I could speak French quite well, but not well enough to translate the name of the bank I went in to. I noted that it was on Fir street so I could find it again in the future, but other than that I simply didn't bother with the name accept to note what the sign denoting it looked like for future reference. My teller was male this time, and encouraged me to open an account with them after he exchanged my money. I told him I would consider it if I ended up staying in the country but then I left.

I kept my eyes peeled as I walked the streets. I was looking for help wanted signs, but I was also watching for a certain dark haired wizard. I couldn't be sure that he wasn't here in Calais with me. The man was famous for his abilities as a spy; it was unlikely that I had a real shot at hiding from him from long. It was disheartening to realize that after all this time I still had no hope of getting away.

I tried my hardest to bury my panic as I walked to streets searching for something, anything to keep a roof over my head. I moved systematically, street by street searching every window for a sign, growing more tired with each window that I passed that did not have a sign. It seemed to take ages, but I did eventually find a small corner grocery with a sign harkening for workers. I barely noted that it was simply called the Corner Market before sidling inside and looking for a manager or something.

"Can I help you?" and old man asked as he backed into the front room bringing a box with him.

"I saw you were looking for someone to work here," I answered in French that was perfectly executed save for the accent which I was not great at.

"You aren't French?" he asked, quickly spotting the bad accent, but not seeming too perturbed.

"British," I offered, attempting a small smile for him. "Is that a problem?"

"Not if you are willing to work, below the board, shall we say," he offered with a quick look around to check there weren't any customers listening.

"I'm okay with that," I answer quietly, not wanting to sound too eager to agree to it and give him a poor impression of me.

"It's awful, I know, but with all the paper work and taxes for an international worker…" he trailed off as he set his box down on the counter. "My wife and I only just opened, and we can't quite afford something like that."

"It quite alright," I assured him, attempting to emulate his accent, and I saw his eyes squint in recognition of it.

"Quick learner I see." He nodded checking his watch. "Could you start right away?"

"Sure," I agreed, possibly too quickly. "I just need somewhere to stow my bag away until I'm off."

"I'll show you where you can put in the back room," he said as he lead me through the door he had just come through a few seconds before.

I couldn't believe my luck, they must have been really desperate for help around the shop. I got a better picture of why when I met his wife. She was a lovely woman, but she appeared to have cerebral palsy, and I could easily why the older man need help around the shop. She maneuvered well in her chair, but she couldn't stock shelves much, and she certainly couldn't cashier. For the first time that she could remember in the last few years Hermione felt useful.

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><p>I feel into an easy routine, even if I was uneasy the whole time. I worked every single day, the entire time that the little corner market was open. I slaved away with an almost believable smile on my face because I found that a tiny piece of me cared for Mr. and Mrs. Depaul.<p>

When I wasn't at the market she was in my room at the youth hostel with the door firmly locked. I would be found nursing some sort of drink if anyone were to come looking for me. But the only people that would think to look would have been the Depauls and I carefully guarded the secret of where I lived to avoid just that. The woman who ran the building would never come looking for me, as I always turned in my rent money ahead of time. And as far as anyone else was aware my room was vacant, though inexplicably locked at all times.

I felt the Depauls growing closer to her as time went on and they began to share more details of themselves with me. It made me uncomfortable to say the least. I could not afford to put down roots here. Snape was still out there somewhere, and it was only a matter of time until he found me and I was forced to run again. I refrained from sharing anything about myself if I didn't absolutely have too. On a particular pushy day I did tell Mrs. Depaul that I used to be a student at a boarding school, but then I lied and said I had graduated early and decided to travel the continent.

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><p>When weeks turned into months, and still I saw no sigh of Severus Snape, I began to let my guard slip. I let myself grow a little more comfortable with my surroundings, actually venturing out to a book store one day and a bar one night. My accent was nearly indistinguishable now, and Mr. Depaul assured me had he not know I was British he would have assumed that I had been born and raised on Calais. I began to believe that I could at least exist here peacefully, even if I was incapable of believing I would ever be happy again.<p>

With how much I worked, I could not afford to get absolutely pissed all the time. This lead to two different results. My new French bank account had more money in it than my English one had, but it also meant that the nightmares were coming back. I had to stuff a blanket under my door to try and muffle the whimpers and cries that I had started to emit in my sleep again. I hadn't escalated to full-fledged screaming yet, so I was still able to fly mostly under the radar with the other people living in the hostel.

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><p>Before I knew it I had been in Calais for just over a year. I was working the till when it dawn on me, and though I had found it difficult to find a piece of myself who was completely convinced that offing myself wasn't the answer, I felt a momentary wriggle of relief. I allowed myself to imagine that Snape had given up. And just like that, as if thinking his name were a curse, the man appeared before me.<p>

I had just handed the change and receipt to my most recent customer, and turned to start helping the next, but when I followed the arm clad in a black sweater up to its owner I found myself staring into the eyes of a Severus Snape who was note more than an arm's length away from me. My breath caught in my throat and my ears pricked at the pitiful half moan sound that feel from my mouth.

"I only want to talk to you," he said quietly, in that silky smooth voice I remembered from school, I was surprised to hear him use perfect French as well.

It didn't matter what he said to me or how he said it though. His very presence destroyed my world.

"Mr. Depaul," I called loudly over my shoulder, knowing he was in the back room with the door cracked and he would easily hear me. "I'm so sorry, but I think I have to quit. I wish I could give you notice, but I have to leave."

And for the second time in my life I tore off my apron before I pulled a runner. I could hear him close behind me, but there was nothing of it. Either I would run until he refused to chase anymore, or he would catch me and I would die. I had no option but to run and run and keep running until one of those two things came to fruition.

I heard him mutter something, and I felt a heat spread through my chest as I fled, and I could not stop the sudden panicked tears at the realization that he had cast a spell on me. I felt the earth begin to rumble beneath my feet, and I chanced a look over my shoulder to see what he was doing. Instead I saw the street pulling itself up, creating a hill that blocked his path to me, and I had to stop running. I turned my head to the side and retched when I realized I had just unconsciously used magic once again. What was this man doing to me?

I began to push myself forward again, trying not to think about any of it as I made a mad dash back to the hostel. There wouldn't be time to try and get my money out of the bank, and with a sick realization I realized that was probably how he had found me. I had used my name on the account, and he must have figured out somehow that I was going by Jean and tracked me here. Bugger it all, I thought as I sprinted up the stairs and flew into my room, my hands shaking as I unlocked the door to let myself in.

I hastily repacked all of my belongings, this time not even bother with the school books. I could never go to school again, it required having a legal name, and if I were to use my name the dark robed fiend would come sweeping in on me once again. No I had to go completely off the grid. So when I packed my bag, I scrounged what little money I had laying around my room together, and prayed it would be enough to get me back to London. If I was going to have to lay so low to the ground, I needed it to be somewhere I knew the landscape of a little better.

"My room is now vacant," I called to the girl at the counter as I tossed the key at her on my flight from the building.

I half expected him to be waiting for me in the street, but he didn't seem to be anywhere to be found. Perhaps he was waiting for whatever spell he had cast to finally take effect so I would finally be rendered incapable of escape. I fled on foot to the train station, hoping I could find my way out of his sight before whatever it was took place.

I hardly had any cash on me when I rushed into the train station, but there must have been something about the look on my face when I got to the ticket counter. I was six Euros short, but the teller gave me the ticket anyway with a quiet wish that I have a safe trip, even if her eyes did look a bit fogged over. It wasn't until I was sitting on the chunnel waiting for it to launch that I realized she looked confounded. Had I done that? I had no wand, and I certainly hadn't thought to cast a spell on her, god forbid I ever cast a spell again honestly. But I had been desperate, and then I had suddenly gotten my way. I had to use one of the sick bags when I realized I had somehow nonverbally and unintentionally confounded that poor teller.

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry this is a short one, and not that great of a chapter. Hermione in France was surprisingly taxing to my mind. Adding that to the mix of my publisher being on my back about an upcoming deadline, and I must sadly say that I think this story might have to sit on the back burner for a while. Honestly at the moment I am enjoying writing it a bit more than my actual work, but alas, I do not own this universe and thus it cannot pay my bills.<strong>


	7. You run out of places to run to

**So this chapter is being put out in a combination of rebellion and procrastination. My publisher has asked me to rewrite an entire act, which is frustrating because I liked it how I wrote it, but alas, their changes must be made. I have also had to go back and redo all of the formatting because the British play format is sooooooooo very different from the American version. Needless to say I am quite frustrated and need a moment to do some writing that is purely for my enjoyment and doesn't have to meet rigid standards.**

* * *

><p><strong>This chapter is a bit more upsetting than some of the others (excluding the first one of course) have been. So read at your own caution.<strong>

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><p><em><strong>Songs for this chapter: Palladio by Escala and Brick by Boring Brick by Paramore<strong>_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

My eyes were roving the train car for the entire ride on the chunnel. There was no way I could sleep like the last time I was on the train, and I was rather certain that at any minute the black haired nightmare was going to come swooping down upon me once more. I could only guess at why he was the one pursuing me so doggedly, but my best guess was terrifying. Surely if the good side had won the brewing war it would be Dumbledore, or even Harry and Ron who were coming after me. But if the good side had lost, and Snape was the one pursuing me so hard, then surely that meant he wasn't truly on the side of good didn't it? Was he trying to collect me so the death eaters could finish what they had started?

But if it was about killing me why hadn't he just don't it already? One well-placed killing curse was all it would take. And if the death eaters were the governing force now, surely I would not have lived as long as I had by now. Would I? How could I have reached age 20? Surely I should be dead by now. Beneath all of the fear, I began to feel immense confusion.

My mind was racing with far too many questions when the train ride ended and I filed out among the crowd, praying Snape wouldn't be among it, or somewhere in the crowd looking for me. I ducked my head down, moving swiftly through the crowd to make my way out of the building, hoping not to have the wizard trailing behind me.

When I exited out into the street, it was to a surprisingly sunny day considering how gloomy London tended to get as fall started to turn into winter. It was disconcerting to feel such cheerful sunlight warming my cheeks when I was feel such panic and confusion coursing through my veins. There was no glimpse of black hair or black clothing around me, so I began to walk the streets, attempting to appear as normal as possible as I moved through the streets in my black coolots with nude leggings and a red baggy sweater. I looked distinctly foreign wearing an outfit that was so French and I was going to have to change at the first possible opportunity.

When I could think of no other options while entirely broke, I decided to see if there was an open bed at the women's shelter I had stayed at all those years ago. I pulled my bag more securely against my back and then I went in search of that building in the suburbs of London. I was in for a long day of walking to get there, but I had nothing to offer a cabbie other than access to some of the clothing I had collected over the years, which I sincerely doubted anyone would be interested in.

* * *

><p>The day itself was uneventful while walking. I did not see even a hint of the man's presence, and most people on the street politely ignored me. I stopped at a gas station just on the edge of London and changed into an old beat up pair of jeans and I layered a grey thermal top with a black sweater. When I looked slightly more British I went on my way to try and find the shelter again. It had been so long since I had stayed there that I wasn't quite sure of the address anymore.<p>

I had a general memory of what neighborhood it was located in though so I slowly worked my way through Lambeth as it grew dark outside. Just as I started to get worried that I wasn't going to be able to find it, that familiar purple door came into my eye line. The instant relief was immediate washed away by the horror of who I saw standing by the door as if I had publicly announced where my next stop would be. He was still wearing black slacks and that black sweater, with his hair hanging around his face while he leaned against the wall waiting for me.

I cringed when I realized I had used the name Jean Granger there as well. How could I have been so stupid? I bite back the scream of frustration mingled with my fear and picked up my pace as made to just keep walking by. I felt an unearthly wind pick up in the street, and I knew instinctively that my magic was acting up again. I tried not to panic at the uncontrolled reaction he seemed to be able to bring out in me so easily, but then I felt that strange warmth in my chest again, and I knew his spell was doing something to me and I lost the battle to stay calm. My heart took off at a sprint and I felt my eyes pricking with tears I refused to let fall.

I slipped onto a side street and took off at a run. I was unable to feel any hope, as it occurred to me that the warm feeling in my chest was likely the activation of some sort of tracking spell. He finally had my number, and I was at the mercy of whenever he decided to round me up. I wasn't even sure of how I was setting off the tracking spell so I couldn't keep myself from doing it.

There was nothing of it, so I just ran and ran, not even bothering to look and see if he was following me. I ran until my legs were shaking with the effort and I simply could not run anymore. When I thought I might just keel over with exhaustion I finally stopped running. I had no idea where I was, and I had no idea what I was going to do now. I had no money to my name, and nowhere to stay. I had managed to avoid it these four years since I had run away from home, but I was officially homeless and my only option was reduced to finding some hovel to hide away in where hopefully I could make it through the night without being murdered or robed or something worse.

When I was about to pass out on my feet I found an abandoned department store that had a broken lock on the door that lead in from the alley. I expected it to be dark inside, but apparently I wasn't the only one who thought of staying here. There was a small controlled fire burning in the middle of the floor where there was a group of homeless people that looked to be around my age. Some were younger, some were older, and all of them seemed to be passed out.

As tempting as the warmth of the fire was, I stayed on the edge of the room, hidden in the darkness that remained untouched by the light of the fire, and I curled up around my bag. If it weren't for the fact that my entire body was exhausted I might have lay awake worrying about if it was safe to be found by this group. Instead, it seemed the second I lay my head on my bag, and wrapped my arm protectively around it; I was drifting into the dream world.

Letting myself fall asleep while in the company of strangers, without any sort of self-medication to keep the nightmares at bay was a mistake. If I hadn't been so tired I could have predicted the problem. But I had been tired, so when I woke screaming with faces I didn't recognize staring down at me I was absolutely terrified, and immediately scrambling for an escape.

"Dude you're harshing the mellow," one of the guys said as I scrambled toward the wall with my duffle wrapped securely in my arms. "Bad come down?"

"N-n-nightmare," I stuttered, reaching up to grasp my throat when I felt how raw it was from all of the screaming.

"She needs a trip bad Harvey," one of the small girls said as she looked at me with what appeared to be pity in her eyes.

"Yeah she does," the guy I assumed must be Harvey said as he dug in his pockets for something. "Look, the first one is free, and I'll even give you a double if it means you'll stop with that squawking alright?"

I just stared at him. What was I supposed to make of this Harvey person? He reached his hand out to me and he appeared to have two cinnamon candies in his hands. Candy wasn't so bad was it? I had always liked my mother's sugar free cinnamon twists. It was with a picture of my mother's face in my mind that I reached for those candies.

"Go ahead and eat them both at the same time," the younger girl told me. "It will make you feel better."

Who were these people? I should be relieved that they didn't seem to be trying to rob me or kill me, but I was still suspicious. And shouldn't I be, I mean here I was taking candy from strangers. Hadn't I been warned against something like this for years? What good had all the warnings in my life done me though really? I decided to just say screw it, and I unwrapped the candies and tossed the both into my mouth.

It tasted like regular candy, so I couldn't figure out why they seemed to continue to watch me after I began to chomp on the candy. As a hard candy I probably should have made it last, and tried to just enjoy it, but it had been a good twelve hours since I had eaten anything, and my stomach was grumbling at just the thought of the candy.

A few minutes after the candy was gone, I noticed a warm feeling spreading through my body. I thought I should be afraid, because it was likely the tracking spell activating once more, but instead I just felt a smooth calm broken only by the occasional giggle that I was surprised to discover was coming from me.

A few seconds after I realized that I was the one giggling, I noticed that the walls seemed to be gradually changing colors around us. Clearly I was accidentally using magic again, but at the moment I couldn't bring myself to care. The group disbanded from watching my giggles and slowly returned to the fire, leaving only the girl who suggested the candy standing by me. I laughed again when I realized that her eyes had turned into flowers.

"I never have bad dreams when I'm on a trip," she whispered to me over the sound of a bird chirping somewhere. "You'll feel better now."

I laughed at her again. It felt nice to laugh again.

"Wanna come lay by the fire with me?" she asked, offering me her hand.

I took her hand, surprised by how her skin seemed to tickle mine. When was the last time I had touched someone I wondered as I pulled myself up off the floor. And drug my bag behind me as I followed her. When I was standing I realized how much taller than her I was. How old was she? Or maybe she was a goblin or a house elf or something. I found at the moment I didn't care. I let her drag me over to the fire, and I curled up on the ground again wrapped around my bag while I watched the strange animals that seemed to crawl out of the fire, and wriggle around on my skin warming me up and making me giggle at their ticklish touch occasionally.

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><p>In the cold light of morning, when the high was gone, I understood what that candy had been. A big part of me couldn't believe that I had willingly done acid, but a little part of me was grateful. I slept peacefully for hours, and woke actually feeling close to happy before I started to finally come down. I should have been upset, I really should have, but honestly all I could think about was when my next trip would be.<p>

That was the beginning of the end I think. Surely most of what I had seen the night before had been hallucinations, but some of it had to be magic, because I felt the warmth in my chest that I was slowly coming to realize was the tracking charm activating, and it seemed to activate anytime I used magic whether I chose to or not.

When I wasn't on a trip I expected Snape to come swooping down on me, and I was quite afraid. But I tried to be on a trip as often as I could. Harvey had been true to his word that the first trip was free, and out of the kindness of his heart allowed the second to be free, but after that I had to start paying.

First I was able to barter, giving up clothes I wouldn't need to other street people in exchange for a bit of money they had collected here or there. I was doing my best to avoid panhandling so I wouldn't be spotted by the wizard searching for me. But soon, I began to run out of clothes. I traded the last shirt that wasn't on my back for a blanket, which was greatly needed, but which I resented when I had to go a full week without a trip. When I slept without a trip Harvey banished me away from the room with the fire where everyone else slept so they would not be disturbed by my screaming.

On those nights I was grateful for the blanket. Winter had officially settled and it was terribly cold in our little warehouse home. On the nights I was sober I clung to my blanket, burying my face against the cold stone floor praying that my screams would be muffled enough to keep one of the other homeless kids from yelling at me. Being screamed at by someone on a trip was volatile. You never knew if they were on a good trip or a bad trip, or if they might think your face was crawling in bugs and try to scratch them off or something.

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><p>I attempted pan handling to get money for trips when spring broke and I was terribly desperate. I was miserable at gathering money. There was something about a filthy girl who hadn't bathed in ages, covered in awful scars that discouraged people from coming too close. After two weeks work where I only gathered enough money to afford half a trip, I was willing to do just about anything to get what I needed. I couldn't take another night of screaming, I would lose what was left of my mind.<p>

"Harvey please," I begged him, offering the little money I had as well as the sweater I was wearing. "I'm desperate."

"How desperate?" he asked me with a strange smirk on his face.

"I'd do anything for a trip at this point," I admitted.

"Keep your money for food then," he said, his smile growing. "I have something you can do to trade for those sweet candies you love so much."

"Anything," I vowed, shoving the couple dollars in my pocket with thoughts of a loaf of bread in my future.

"On your knees then," he smirked, his hand going to his pants zipper.

"Harvey?" I questions, terrified to think he might be suggesting what I thought he was.

"Suck me off, and you can have a wonderful trip," he told me with a full smile now on his face.

Oh God, anything but that, I thought my mind racing. I wanted this trip. I needed this trip, but could I do that? The very idea had my heart racing in my chest as the panic began. What was more important? The trip or my body?

"Get me high first and we have a deal," I ground out realizing with a sick feeling what I thought was more important.

"If you back out after I give it to you," he warned as he drug his finger across his throat with a silent warning.

"I won't," I promised, hoping he wouldn't make me explain why I needed to be on a trip to even attempt something like that.

He handed me the cinnamon candy, and I greedily put it in my mouth. I quickly devoured it, waiting with my eyes closed for the floaty warm feeling to spread through my limbs that I knew meant the trip was starting. As soon as I felt like there were butterfly wings brushing me against my cheeks I reluctantly dropped down onto my knees in front of Harvey.

"Don't you dare bite me," he growled as he opened his pants.

I tried to focus on the colorful birds flying about the room instead of focusing on what I had to do now. I tried not to feel or to see as it happened. I felt the tears streaking down my cheeks as I did it, but I tried to ignore them as well. Eventually he finished, and then I tried not to vomit until I was at least out of his presence. I followed those sparkling little birds out onto the street, where I got terribly sick in the dumpster.

For a moment I wished for a toothbrush, but then I became distracted by the feeling that I was certain I could fly. I danced about in the alleyway just enjoying the high not caring about the dingy man who looked a bit like a bat who was standing at the end of the alley way. Somewhere in my gut I thought I knew that bat, but my birds were so much more appealing so I danced with them until it started to grow dark around me. Then I left the bat and the birds and I went to lay by the fire with little Nicola who may have been higher than me tonight.

-`-'-

That day was the beginning of something. It was something I seemed unable to stop. Something that I had to stay high nearly constantly to avoid feeling. And staying high meant having to keep doing it. It was an unending cycle that I could not hope to pull myself out of. I became sicker and sicker by the very thought of it, but I couldn't see a way out.

And so I became the girl who was willingly trading her body to keep the high coming. It had started out with Harvey just asking to be pleased, but it progressed into something else. It took about a month, but it slowly became me having to give him everything if I was going to get a trip. He made it worth it, keeping me high constantly, but the trade had me crying even through my highs as I lay curled up on the floor by the fire.

The strange animals or any other hallucination that came no longer held the charm the used to. The high kept the nightmares at bay, but only just. I deep pit of depression was growing within me and it created a mirror with which I seemed to finally see myself. A broken girl, who looked so sickly I might very well be dying, trading sex for drugs while I lived in an abandoned warehouse in some godforsaken part of town. What had I become?

I tried to push questions of who or what I was out of my mind when Harvey asked me if I wanted to try something knew with him. I agreed when he promised it would be an even better trip than anything I had been on yet, and only cringed a bit when I saw him pull a syringe of something out of his pocket. I sat obediently at his feet when he asked me to offer up my arm, and tried not to cry when it hurt to have whatever he had given me injected into my flesh.

The pain didn't stop there. Instead it just seemed to grow and grow until I was curled in a ball on the ground crying, wishing for death if it would only stop what was happening to me. I distantly noticed that Harvey left me there, and the little group of people seemed to go with him. But I couldn't find it in me to care that I was being abandoned in this warehouse when I was in as much pain as I was.

Through blurred vision I thought I saw someone approaching me, but the pain became to much and I finally, blissfully, fell into unconsciousness and I no longer felt anything or saw anyone.


	8. Chasing my tail, trying to do right

**Okay after this one I am really gonna finish the edit on my professional work I swear!**

_**Songs for this chapter: Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap and Creep by Scala and Kolacny Brothers**_

**SPOV**

My stay at Hogwarts was longer than I expected. Minerva put me up in one of the guest rooms without hesitation, and I spent every hour of the library for every book on cursed objects there was. There was no book that told me of the curse that was placed on the knives that had been used on Hermione. Instead I was reduced to looking through potion books while I researched the potion I was in possession of to try and determine if this potion was likely to be helpful to Hermione at all. I couldn't trust Lucius enough to be certain this wasn't going to somehow poison the girl and finished the job they had started.

Any test I ran on the potion either came back inconclusive, or deemed that the potion was benign. After several days of commandeering the lab that now belonged to Horace Slughorn once more, I was forced to admit that it was unlikely the potion would harm Hermione. Thus my best bet was to give it to her, when I did eventually find her again.

I stayed at the castle for several months, ignoring the wriggling feeling in the back of my mind when Hermione triggered the tracking spell I had placed on her, so that I could be prepared to really and truly help her when I finally found her. I think the only person more surprised by this than me was Minerva.

"I'll depart tonight," I informed her when she approached me where I was skimming one last book in the library. "I have found a tracing spell I can place on Hermione that will allow me to learn her location each time she uses inadvertent magic."

"She is no longer Miss Granger," Minvera noted, her keen gaze holding mine.

She had no judgment in her voice or her face, but internally I supplied it for her. When exactly had I become so informal?

"Well, she is no longer a student here," I said half-heartedly. "Though I suppose I should be calling her Jean these days. That is what she has been going by for the last few years."

"Is she truly out of control of her magic now Severus?" she asked me, her eyes showing sadness like they had most nights that we had spoken.

"Yes of that I am certain," I said quietly. "Should she actually allow me to approach her and help her, I believe her situation has a remedy. But getting her to accept my advance is proving rather difficult."

"Why not take her by force," she asked me. "It would make her safer in the end."

"But likely cause more damage than good," I sighed, fighting the urge to pinch my nose in frustration. "There is a heavy curse flowing through her blood right now. I believe she would be traumatized beyond measure if I were simply to abduct her. No…. I will have to find a way to convince her to come to me willingly."

"Well you are certainly the best man for the job," she admitted with a sigh as she turned back toward the door. "I should return to the heads office, I am expecting a floo call from the minister this evening."

"I never imagined you being such a political headmistress," I told her with a dark chuckle. "Enjoy that call. I shall be gone within the hour."

She gave me a nod and swept out of the room. I quickly finished the last of my reading and returned the book to its place on the shelf. It was time to start tracking the girl once more. Which of course meant I needed access to my laptop again, and would have to return to spinner's end once more.

-`-'-

It took a surprisingly long time for me to figure out that she had left the country. When the idea occurred to me that she may have gone international nearly a year had passed since I had last seen her. Honestly I seemed to be losing my touch as a spy, though to be fair my role had never been that of a tracker. Shortly after looking into international paperwork I discovered that she had taken up residence in Calais. I could not find a record of where she was working, or where she was living, but I did find a branch of a French bank that she was using in that town, so I followed the lead.

When I entered the town, at first I didn't see her, but my sense were becoming so attuned to her, that I felt certain I could feel her presence in the town. I prowled a bit through the town, attempting to blend into the surrounding area while I searched her out. As I passed down a street I could sense her magic nearby, and it led me into a small corner market store. I slid inside without drawing her attention to me, as she was busy with a customer at her till.

I saw that while she still seemed harrowed, France had been good for her. She was dressing in clothing that she seemed more comfortable in, most likely because it hid most of her scarring, and she had gotten a bit of a tan which made her look slightly less sickly. I decided I would try to make a casual approach by going through her line, noting that she was speaking fluent French to all of her customers, and digging around in my mind for what little French I had knowledge of.

I grabbed a loaf of bread and stepped into her line. I felt the tremble of her magic spiking the second that she looked at my face, and I tried to look as unthreatening as possible.

"I only want to talk to you," I told her in my easiest voice, enunciating my French as clearly as possible.

It was of no use anyway. She shouted over her shoulder to her boss that she was quitting and ran out much like she had at the diner a year ago. This time I was quick on her heals, not wanting to lose sight of her before I at least got the tracking spell in place. I cast it on the fly, running behind her, and I knew she felt it when it hit her. She cried out as if she had been lashed, and then her magic flared between us. I felt the responding tingle in my chest, and an image of our current location flitted through my mind, before the road rose up in-between us creating a physical barrier to keep her away from me.

I stopped chasing her. I already had proof that the spell had worked, and there was no point putting her in further duress at the moment. So I walked casually through the town, waiting to see what she would do. It didn't take long before she activated the spell once more.

My chest tingled, and an image of the train station flashed through my mind. So she was fleeing the town. Would she flee the country again? I wondered vaguely just what spell she would have used in the train station, but minutes later she triggered it yet again, and I got an image of the inside of the chunnel. Definitely back to England then, I thought as I focused my mind on the city and apparated away.

My gut told me she would run back to somewhere she had felt safe at the beginning of this, so I followed my instinct and sought out the women's shelter that had a record of Jean Granger staying there. Once I found it, I stood outside the entrance to the shelter, trying to look the opposite of intimidating while I waited for her to arrive.

When I had been standing there for nearly two hours I thought perhaps I had been wrong. But just as I was thinking of looking up a different location for her, I felt that telltale tingling in my chest, and then a vision of the very street I stood on popped up in my mind. I turned my head quickly to the left and I saw her. She had changed into an outfit that made her look a little more like the girl I remembered from her days at Hogwarts. That thought was pushed out of my mind when I realized that she had seen me, and she was running yet again. What had I done to instill such fear in her? Even now without looking at me, running away from me, she was casting a strong repellent charm that was working heavily on the muggles around me who seemed suddenly very confused about why they were there.

A wind not made by nature picked up in the street as she fled, and I was startled to realize just how strong her incidental magic was. Being her potions professor, I had very little occasion to witness to actually witness her using magic. Seeing the strength of what she could do when not trying, made me wonder if the concussion I sustained in her third year was more her fault than a combination of the added efforts of her ineffectual friends. Where were those boys anyway? Surely they should have gone in search of their once good friend?

I should have chased after her, but I found myself so distracted by the realization that even her closest friends had failed her, that I lost track of her. She had gained enough emotional control after leaving my presence that she wasn't using magic anymore. I opted to call it a day, having already terrorized the poor girl twice. I retired back to Spinner's End deciding to wait for her to use magic again instead.

-`-'-

I received several indications of her location as time went on, but for some time they were too garbled to understand. I got the impression that the images weren't coming through clearly because she wasn't actually using her magic, just accessing it somehow. One night I got a flash of a burning fire, and another night I thought I was seeing a warehouse of some sort, but the image was gone so quickly I couldn't be sure of what I was seeing.

-`-'-

The first time I got a full image of her location, I was sickened. It wasn't until that very moment that I realized the spell had been showing me her location from her point of view. Each time I had just assumed it was a snap shot of her location, but when my mind was filled with the image of a man opening his pants. If it weren't for the accompanying tingle in my chest distracting me, I may very well have gagged my tea back up on the table. What was she doing? And what about it disturbed her enough to elicited her magic?

I focused on the image that had been behind the man who as exposing himself to her, trying not to think about how his equipment was at her eye level. I focused on the details behind him and I was able to suss out a general idea of the warehouse she seemed to be occupying. I kicked myself for not being able to pick up enough from the flashes she has sent me before, as clearly they were all components of this location. She was clearly in the same place she had been since she had run from me once more.

I looked down at my black robes, wondering briefly if I should bother changing into muggle clothing before I brushed the thought from my mind. Instead I stood, focusing my mind on the location I had just seen. I turned while my mind was focused, and the crack announced that I had left my house. I opened my eyes, and saw that I was standing at the mouth of an alley. I could see her, she was clearly done with the base act she had been about to commit when I got a flash of her. She now appeared to be looking in the dumpster.

She looked grungy, and I surprisingly felt my heart twist at the thought of her homeless, and apparently searching for a meal in a trash can. Instinctively I drew a bit closer, not wanting to startle her, but needing to see her a bit more clearly. I stopped moving forward when she spun away from the dumpster. I thought she had heard my approach, and she was about to pull a runner once more, but she has a smile on her face when she turned away.

She brushed at her mouth, and I wondered vaguely why she did that, but then she giggled and looked up at the sky and began to dance about in the alley. She appeared radiantly happy, and something about it drew me closer to her. Soon I was standing within ten feet of her, watching as she danced about. Her features were light with her happiness, and even though she was sickly thin, and scarred, there was beauty to it. For just one second I was actually happy for her, but then she opened her eyes.

She looked right at me, but it was like she was looking through me. I realized with a start, that while she might see me, she certainly didn't recognize me. Her pupils were reduced to the tiniest of pinpricks, and from this close I could see the light sheen of sweat that covered her skin.

"High as a fucking kite," I growled stepping back from her.

My first instinct was to go looking for the bastard who had given her whatever she was on. But logic overruled the thought before I acted on it. No, what I needed to do was return to my home, and begin brewing her a detox potion. Having succumbed to an addiction myself during the first war I knew that the come down could be brutal. But she would be coming down, I would see to that personally. I tried to tramp down my anger as I strode quickly away from the witch and apparated back to my home. Perhaps I should brew an emergency overdose potion as well. A bezoar would be somewhat effective if I needed to come to her aid before the long brew was completed, but the potion would be more effective, and much more quick if I could get it brewed before she ended up needing it. I felt certain based on how far gone she had been in the alley, that she would inevitably need it.

I began sorting through my potions ingredients, prepping for both brews, mentally tabulating her symptoms and behaviors. It took me awhile to put it together, but as I was adding the sliced daisy roots to my first potion I realized it was acid that she was on. I also realized that most of the magic she had been using probably had nothing to do with fear. She was probably instinctually responding to her own hallucinations.

-`-'-

For the month it took to brew the second potion I was bombarded by the continual triggering of the tracking spell I had placed on Hermione. I let each image filter through mind, not matter how much it might turn my stomach, trying to decipher if she was using her magic out of fear or something else. More than once I was faced with the image of the same man moving above her. I wanted to kill him when I realized that he was taking sex as payment for the drugs he was giving her. Surely that arrangement had not been Hermione's idea given her past. If I got my hands on him he would meet an even nastier fate than Lucius Malfoy. It was essentially rape to force a drug addict to have sex with you while withholding their escape. I knew that had to be the only reason Hermione was agreeing to any of it.

On the same night that I was final able to bottle my brew I was hit with the worst image of them all. I was setting the last of ten doses on a shelf in my small lab when my chest began to tingle, and I got an image of a fire that was bright enough for me to realize she must be sitting right next to it. But then I saw that she was facing that same blasted man, and this time he was reaching out to her with a syringe. I would recognize the drug he was giving her anywhere, as it had been my drug of choice for years. Heroin. He had a full syringe of it, and I could only pray he wouldn't give her the whole thing. At her size now, she would surely overdose.

I grabbed a vial of the potion I had just finished and slid it into the inner pocket of my robes before I apparated back to that blasted warehouse. The man who had plagued my mind's eye for a month now was just leaving the warehouse in the company of several scraggly looking young girls. It was lucky for him and his harem that I had other things on my mind tonight or I would pull my vengeance from their very flesh.

Instead I ignored them and swept into the abandoned warehouse that they had just exited. I saw that the fire was starting to burn out, and he body was slumped beside it, thrown into shadow by the light before her. I could hear her pained moans even though they were muffled against the floor, and I knew without seeing that the bastard had given her the entire dose.

I hurried toward her, my heart aching at the thought that she was dying right now. _Lily_ my mind whispered and I pulled up short. The name hadn't popped up because I had been thinking about the other witch. With a horrible turning of my stomach, I realized that my mind was acknowledging what I had not. It was a final understanding of what Lucius had seen, of what Minerva had suspected. I attempted to push it from my mind as I dropped to the ground beside her, turning her so she was facing up towards me.

But there was no denying it as I looked down at her pained face, took in her labored breathing, tried not to notice how her body was spasming and covered in sweat. I was in love with this girl, and I hated myself for it. I burned with hatred for myself as I dug the potion from within my robes, and forced her mouth open so I could administer it. She sputtered, choking as she tried to breath instead of swallowing. I cringed at the image of it as I covered her mouth to keep the potion from spilling out, and began gently massaging her throat, forcing the muscles to contract and swallow the much needed potion.

The tremors stopped, but from her labored breathing, it was clear she was going to need another dose. I folded her up in my arms, wishing that I didn't feel a sense of relief to be holding her, and apparated the pair of us back to Spinner's End. I gently placed her down on the couch in my living room, and hurried off to my lab to grab the potions I needed.

I grabbed another dose to treat her overdose, as well as one to help break her addiction, and almost as an afterthought I grabbed the potion that would break the curse Lucius had placed on her, and then I hurried back to her in the living room. She was squirming about, clearly still in pain as she moaned pitifully. I swept up to the couch, and dropped to my knees before her. I temporarily set the potions on the floor so I could pull her head up to rest on the armrest. It would make the potions go down easier, as long as she didn't squirm right off the couch.

I grabbed the second vial of the overdose potion, and administered it to her in the same way I had done the first, relieved that at least this time she did not choke on it. When I was sure she had swallowed all of it, I unstoppered the vial of potion that would help break her addiction. I tipped it into her mouth, no longer having to cover her mouth. She didn't seem to be entirely conscious, but her body seemed to understand that it could not breath in what I was offering her. I massaged her throat once again, and then I reached for the little silver bottle. Still, after all of my research, I was hesitant to administer it.

In the end my need to break the curse that held her in the same miserable place for four years won out and I pulled to ridiculously decorated cork from the bottle, and tipped the potion into her mouth. I saw her brows contract a bit, likely at the flavor, as I massaged her throat to encourage her to swallow this one as well. For a few second nothing happened other than her body going still. I could still hear her labored breathing, so I knew she had not been killed by it, but it was disconcerting anyway. But then suddenly each scar on her body began to glow. For the briefest of moments I thought they were going to simply disappear, but then to my horror they suddenly burst open.

"Jesus Katie God!" I screeched, much like my father would have so many years ago, as I watched her begin to bleed.

To my surprise she didn't move at all. Couldn't she feel that her flesh had been torn open? I tried to pull in my mental shields, to create some sort of sense of calm, as I watched her lay completely still, slowly staining my couch with her pouring blood. When I was able to focus my mind, I set myself to the task of methodically closing all of the wounds. I took care to be gentle with her even if she didn't seem to be responding to the pain that she should be in right now.

Her body was unearthly in its stillness, only her breathing reminding me that she had not died. I moved from head to toe as I worked, praying she would not away and discover that I had to remove her clothing to gain access to all of the injuries. I also tried not to let myself truly look at her. I could not, would not, acknowledge that I had developed feelings for her. Feelings that were affected by the sight of her naked before me, drenched in her own blood.

When I had cause her skin to knit itself back together in every single place it had been torn I made a snap decision, and dashed off to my potions lab to search out any remainder of the scar healing paste I had used for years while in the service of the dark lord. At the back of a shelf in the bottom of my cabinet of brews I found a half full jar, and I took it with me as I returned to the still unmoving Hermione. I made a mental note to brew more as I knelt before her once more and began to work the paste into the skin on every single line that marred her skin.

When I had finished my work I picked up her soiled clothes from the floor, fighting off the emotional response I had to seeing them soiled with both her blood and muck and grime from the lives style he had been leading. I cast a scorgify on them, returning them to their original state of clean. I gently pulled them back onto her body, hoping this strange sleep would hold out until I could get her dress.

I pulled the clothes onto her quickly, surprised by my sense of loss when her skin was mostly covered from my view. I saw that her clothes hung loosely on her deathly skinny frame, so I shrunk them until they fit her better. When she was properly clothed, I stood and forced myself to move to the other side of the room so I would not be tempted to try and touch her skin again. What was wrong with me?

All thought was driven from my mind when her eyes snapped open and the screaming started.


	9. I am capable of being shocked

**I should be working on my other project, but I couldn't leave you all with that cliff hanger.**

_**Song for this chapter: The Devil's Tears by Angus and Julia Stone**_

* * *

><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

Her screams were gut wrenching. They tore at my soul while they burned in my ears. I was certain she was going to lose her voice long before they stopped ripping free of her throat. I stood frozen watching as the tears built up in her eyes before they began to fall. When the first track went down her cheek she snapped her eyes shut and curled in on herself. I wavered where I stood wanting to go to her, but fearing that I would cause her more damage somehow.

When she fell from the couch, still screaming as he body crashed unceremoniously onto the floor I could not restrain myself. I moved forward once more, dropping to me knees at her side, attempted to wrench her arms away from where they were shielding her head. Unfortunately, my touch was a trigger to her. The second my hands made contact with her skin, her magic was unleashed again.

I managed to pull her arms free of her face, but it was a struggle when the floor began to rumble and shake, and things began to fly about the living room. As the effects that would be cause if there were a tornado and an earth quake happening in the living room, I began to fear for her physical well-being. I crouched over her, using my body to shield her from the debris that was flying around us, ignoring the sting when impacts where made along my spine and arms.

"Open your eyes," I shouted to her over the roar of wind and the sound of her screaming.

She did not respond to my direction.

"Open your eyes," I yelled louder, trying to get her to give me at least a glimpse of what was going on in her mind.

Still there was no response, but the damage in my living accelerated, and I began to fear for my own safety.

"Open your ever loving eyes Hermione Jean Granger," I shouted as loud as I possibly could.

She finally responded, her eyes flashing open. It was easy to see that she was not truly present with me. Her eyes were unfocused, seeing something else entirely.

"Legilimens," I whispered, and I slipped into her mind with ease.

What I was met with was absolute pandemonium. Her mind, released from the curse that held her in that one night for years, was being besieged by what appeared to be all of her memories at the same time. Most of them were unpleasant. She was reliving that night, while simultaneously reliving the worst of her nights on the streets.

At the same time she was being bombarded by flashes of her days at Hogwarts. Visions of time spent with her parents also fought for her attention. Her mind attempted to reconcile every flash as different times and events hit her all at the same time but she simply couldn't manage it. There were flashes of the present, though hard to understand, and I found my face as it would look now from her perspective mingling with the rest of it all.

I could feel my heartbeat accelerating in my chest, and I had to pull out of her mind. It wouldn't do for us both to be in a state of panic. I pulled out, drawing several long and embarrassingly shaky breaths to bring myself back to a state of calm. What would Albus say now to know that his spy, so difficult to move with the cruelties of war, was on the verge of going to pieces from the knowledge of the inner works of the mind of one Hermione Granger?

I searched my mind for how to help her, and short of stunning her to at least stop the barrage I wasn't sure how to help her. Her mind was attacking itself, and I couldn't be sure it wasn't being caused by the potion I had given her. I needed to do something before she killed us both, which was starting to seem like a real possibility when I heard the disturbing sound of the foundation of the house beginning to crack. The only solution I could think of was to get her to protect herself from her mind, but how do you teach someone who has completely receded within their mind to practice occlumency?

"Hermione, listen to me carefully," I whisper into her ear, crouching so my arms protected her face while I spoke.

To my surprise she stopped screaming. Her body trembled, and she seemed to be still locked within her mind, but she appeared to be trying to listen to me anyway.

"Occlumency is the art of protecting the mind," I whispered to her, searching for the simplest way to describe this for her. "In a way it is like organizing your mind into two rooms, much like you would a house."

I paused, trying to shake thoughts of what this woman was doing to my own house at the moment before I continued.

"In a person's bedroom, there is likely to be many secrets about them, but their living room is presentable for the public," I whispered to her. "A person can organize their mind so the thoughts they wish to keep hidden from others are in a bedroom, and the thoughts they are willing to let others view are in the living room. The living room can become the forefront of the mind."

The destruction of the house did not stop, so I assumed I had been unclear.

"Hermione, you can choose to stay in the living room as well," I said, and I knew instantly that she had heard me.

The room went unearthly still as the destruction stopped. I looked up, and I saw that bits of furniture and books hung frozen in the air as if we had been watching a memory in a pensive and somehow it had all been put on pause. Clearly the force of her magic was still being exerted or the objects would have fallen, but it was of little consequence. I turned my focus back to her face, and I saw her brow furrow slightly and I realized that she was trying to do what I had told her. I was about to slip into her mind and check her progress when she shut her eyes tight in concentration.

I thought about physically opening her eyes so I could check, but I saw her slowly schooling her terrorized reactions and I felt I had a fairly good understanding of her progress without invading her mind again.

Time ceased to have meaning as I watched the changes happen. First her trembling body fell still. Then her breathing regulated and deepened almost to the sounds of sleep. Ever so slowly the tension leaked out of her frame, and she seemed to almost melt into the floor. When the crease left her brow there was a startling crash as everything held suspended in the air crashed to the ground. Then finally her eyes slowly opened, and she was looking into my eyes with the hint of a shine present in her own once more.

"Professor Snape," she said in a hoarse voice, her throat clearly raw from all the screaming. "I found the living room."

I fought off the sudden urge to wrap her up in my arms and weep and began gently extracting myself from around her. Her eyes never left my face as I moved up and away from her. My heart was beating quickly again, but this time it was for the girl, that bright witch that no one had seen in years, who was present again on my floor. It was only a Band-Aid of course, we would have to deal with what she had buried in the bedroom as it were, not to mention her lack of control over her magic, but for this moment right here she seemed entirely herself once more. And it only made me love her more. Damn it all!

"Very good," was all I could manage to say to her without giving away any emotion in my voice.

I turned away from her, and began the job of repairing the damage she had done to my house.

* * *

><p>Hermione had remained unmoving on the floor, her eyes sealed tightly shut as I worked. I realized when I had finished, and she still was not moving, with her breath slightly more labored than it had been when she had awoken. I turned to look at her, and I saw that her body was trembling again. She stared resolutely at the ceiling like she was trying to pretend nothing was happening, but I saw the tears pooling in the corners of her eyes, threating to spill once more. She was in need of another overdose potion that much was certain.<p>

I quickly abandoned the last of the repair work, and went back to my store of potions. Thank whoever was listening, that this room had remained untouched. I had left all of the bottles sitting out like a fool, and her fit could have destroyed them all in one go. I deftly snatched another vial of the detoxification draught and with a flit of inspiration I also grabbed a vial of the dreamless sleep I always kept on hand. Her body needed more rest, preferably not disturbed by nightmares of her past.

I returned to her in the living room and saw that she had pulled herself up off of the ground into a partially seated position with her back leaning against the couch. The tears had spilled out of her eyes, leaving tracks down her cheeks, and she was still trembling, but she was focused on the wall before her with a look of determination on her face. It prided me more than it should have to realize she was refusing to give in to the pain she was feeling in her body.

I kneeled before her once more, and her eyes turned to focus on mine. I was tempted to slip into her mind once more and ascertain how well she had constructed her living room, but I shook it off. Now was not the time to indulge silly curiosities. Instead I tiled her head back with the pads of my fingers, and tipped the potion into her mouth, unsure of how well her shaking arms would fair attempting to administer it herself. She swallowed it without complaint, and did not so much as flinch when I brought the second potion to her lips.

When I was sure she had swallowed them both, I stood taking a step back from her with the intention of taking the empty vials back to my small lab. She moved clumsily forward, shifting her weight, and at first I did not understand what she was doing. When she pulled her legs behind her I realized she was trying to get onto her knees and I watched her with a quirked brow. She attempted to pull herself up to sit back on her heels, but then her body succumbed to the dreamless sleep draught and she began to clump back toward the floor.

I dropped quickly down to catch her before her face hit the floor, and I lifted her from my awkward position, ignoring the twinge of my back, and moved her slight weight from the floor to the couch once more. I stretched her out so she might be comfortable, and then I continued on to my lab trying to decipher what exactly she had been doing just then anyway. If she had been trying to stand, would she not simply have pushed herself up? But why would she be trying to kneel before?

I shook my head, dropping the empty vials into the basin to be washed later, and heading back out to the living room. With a sigh I decided it was time to inform Minerva that Hermione Granger had been brought back into the fold of the wizarding world once more. I conjured a cheery fire in the grate, and reached for the pot of floo powder on the mantle. I trounced out every emotion flitting through my mind so I might appear even keeled before the call, and then chuckled reminding myself that I wasn't placing a call to Albus Dumbledore and need not worry quite so much.

"Hogwarts," I said as I tossed the powder into the flames and lowered myself to the hearth sticking my head in. "Headmistresses office."

"Severus?" she said in a startled voice, looking up from her place behind the ancient desk. "What a surprise."

"I am calling with a bit of news." I told her evenly, falling quickly into the role of the smooth potions professor with ease, and I saw her eyes light up with the knowledge of the only thing I would be calling about. "Hermione Granger is safely sleeping on my living room couch."

"Oh Severus," she gasped, her eyes clouding and her hand coming up to clutch her chest. "You've finally found her. Thank Merlin."

There was a heavy silence, where she attempted to gather herself, and I attempted not to notice how effected she was.

"How is she?" the woman asked when she had calmed herself.

"Sickly," I answered honestly. "These past few months she has been living on the streets. She has been using drugs to escape it all, and I found her in the throes of what would have been a lethal overdose."

"No," she gasped.

"I assure you, drugs are the least of her problems," I sighed, feeling how tired I was suddenly. "I can have her broken of them in no time flat, its piecing her mind back together and restoring her magic that will be the challenge."

"Can it be done?" she asked me, her wide eyes making her look more like a child than the headmistress of Hogwarts.

"I think it can," I hedge. "If the speed with which she picked up the basics of occlumency in order to control the absolute fit she went into are any indication, it should not take nearly as long as I had originally believed."

I paused, realizing only now why I had really wanted to speak with Minerva.

"If I am able to get her back on her feet by the fall," I continued on. "Will you allow her to return to Hogwarts so she might continue her education?"

She was quiet a long time, and I found that I wished I could use legilimency on her from my current location. I mean really why would she even have to think about the question. This was Hermione Granger after all. The headmistress's eyes drifted to the side, and I saw her sharing a glance with the portrait of Albus Dumbledore. I wondered if she was silently asking him a work related question, or if she was seeking comfort from her former lover before delivering a decision she had already made.

"To allow her back into the castle would create a certain amount of risk for the other students," she said quietly, and my heart sank at the thought that she would actually refuse this. "It is a risk I am willing to take, but for a price."

"What do you want," I asked in a dead voice, sure that I already knew the answer.

"Horace Slughorn has grown quite old Severus, and I need a replacement so he might finally retire for good," she said quietly.

I snapped my eyes shut fighting against the barrage of emotions that ran through me. I felt anger at the idea of being forced into the role I had filled during my years as a spy. I felt a longing for the castle that was honestly my one true home. I felt a desperate need to protect the witch sleeping on my couch. And I felt a sense of desperation that told me I would do anything not only to protect her but to be with her. Even if that meant I had to teach dunderheaded first years once more. I took a cleansing breath and opened my eyes once more, hoping that none of my emotions had shown on my face.

"I am willing to return under a two year contract," I said finally. "I will stay long enough to be sure your students are safe from any fit Hermione might have, and to allow you to seek out a suitable fulltime replacement. I will not stay beyond two years."

"I find those terms agreeable," she said somewhat stiffly. "I suppose I shall see you in the end of August when you move in your things."

"Very well," I said just as stiffly, refraining from pointing out that I hadn't guaranteed Hermione would be ready by then.

I withdrew from the fire without another word and returned to my feet so I could pace back and forth in front of the hearth. Well now I would just have to be certain I put her back together before September, because I obviously couldn't abandon her to return to the castle on my own.

* * *

><p>I had taken a short nap, unable to really sleep while I worried about Hermione waking up alone in the living room, and then I had returned to the first floor of the house. I saw that she was still sleeping, but she had begun to stir just a bit in her sleep and I knew she would wake soon. I went to the kitchen and quickly prepared her a bowl of soup with a sandwich, and a glass of water. The girl could do with a bit of fattening up if I were being honest, and that said a lot considering how little I bothered to maintain a proper bodyweight on my own frame.<p>

After backing through the kitchen door into the living room with the tray of lunch, I turned and saw that not only had she awoken, but Hermione was standing in front of the couch staring at me and the door I had come through. Her face was slightly constricted, and her breathing somewhat accelerate. I could tell without slipping into her mind, that she was not entirely residing within the living room inside of her mind. No coming out of sleep had left her somewhat lost between the two rooms, of that I was sure.

"I brought you lunch," I said in a quiet soothing voice, approaching her slowly so she would not run from me once more.

She looked at the tray, back up at my face, and down at the tray once more. Many thoughts seemed to race through her mind before finally she nodded to herself seeming to have come to some sort of conclusion. Then for some unknown reason, as she looked up to meet my eyes again, she lowered herself down onto her knees again.

"Do you want me to suck you off before or after I've had my lunch," she asked as plain as if she were asking for a page out of the morning paper.

_Jesus Christ!_ The tray slipped from my hands, as my grip went slack in my surprise. The sound of the dishes shattered filled the room around us, causing Hermione to flinch though she held her ground. Very cautiously I stepped over the mess I had just made, warring with the many emotions roaring through me at the realization of just how very broken she was. Her head lowered to the floor when I stepped within two feet of her, and I heard her breathing pick up just a bit indicating her fear.

"Hermione," I said quietly, and I gently took her chin in my hand and angled her face up toward mine so she met my eyes once more. "I will _never_ extract sexual favors from you in payment for the care you are receiving. You are safe here, and you need not debase yourself in order to take care of basic human needs."

Her eyes began to water as she looked up at me, but she did not make so much as a whimper as the tears began to flow freely from her eyes.

"Do you promise?" she asked me finally, her voice breathy from the crying.

"I do," I assured her before I released my hold on her chin. "Give me a moment to clean up and prepare a new lunch."

I turned away from her so she would not see the minute tremble that rolled throw my lower lip as I vanished the mess on the living room floor. My heart ached for her at the same time that the dark part of my mind wished for the death of the man who I knew from her mind was named Harvey. I receded within the fog of my mental shields so I would feel nothing but resolution to action as I prepared another bowl of soup and a sandwich for the witch who I could hear gently crying on my living room floor.


	10. Define the moment

**Attention attention! (just kidding, I am just excited) I have just sent off the final edit of my script to my publisher, and thus I can continue writing on this story without feeling guilty. After some great advice from one of my reviewers on here I finally sat down and finished it. So yay! I hope you guys enjoy this update as much as I intend to enjoy writing it.**

_**Song for this chapter: Angel in Disguise by Cinema Bizarre **_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

To describe the feeling of relief I felt as he walked out of the room leaving me be without forcing me to do something I did not want to do would be impossible. The only thing more impossible to explain would be the absolute stillness I felt. After years of constant fear and a pain that had been present so long I thought it had always been there, when all of it stopped and my mind was silent I was so perfectly at peace and yet I could not describe it. Even with memories attempting to slip free of the cage I had locked them in, I was just so… relieved. I wept for the joy of it while I lay on the floor of a house I certainly never pictured myself inhabiting.

"I've finished with lunch," Snape called from the kitchen, his deep baritone startling me from my tears, and the surprising lack of callousness simply surprising me. "If you would join me in the kitchen."

I wiped the wetness from my eyes as I pulled myself up off of the floor, and made my way toward the door he had gone through earlier. I pushed it open, and saw him standing next to a table that was set with two lunch plates. I made my way over to the table without looking into his eyes, still unsure of how I was supposed to handle this situation. I opted to simply take my seat and stare at the food before.

"Call me Jean please," I asked him, looking up when he sat down across the table from me.

I thought I saw something in his face, but then the emotionless mask fell quickly into place and I could not read anything. Everything was as it always was.

"As you wish," he said stiffly, his mouth seeming to struggle with the words though his face remained neutral. "Jean."

I let my eyes fall back to my plate, and held my body as still as I could so I would not reveal how desperately I wanted to food in front of me. If no one where watching me I would hover it all in fashion that would even embarrassed Ronald Weasley. My heart rippled at that thought, as I slowly picked up the spoon, and very carefully lifted a small spoonful of soup from the bowl. The soup was warm and hearty, and by far the best thing I had eaten in over a year. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I had the pleasure of eating meat, and now I was eating soup that was cooked in beef broth and had little bits of what tasted like roast in it.

_Heaven_ I thought as I closed my eyes and savored that mouth full. I nearly choked while swallowing when a memory slipped loose in my mind and I realized it tasted almost exactly like the soup my mother had made for me for lunch _that_ night. He couldn't possibly have known that, I tried to assure myself. Was I even sure I knew that? What did I know about the girl I used to be? I didn't even know who I was anymore.

I was trying to shake those thoughts from my mind when I heard someone knock at the door. Severus snapped his head up, and I saw that he had not been expecting company either. He stood quickly from his seat, and I couldn't tell you why, but I stood as well. He went back through the door into the living room, and I followed in his wake. I stood just inside the door, essentially in the living room, but ready to dash back into the kitchen if I was unsafe.

Severus swept over to the door, and I could see him slide his wand out of his robes surreptitiously before he reached for the door. I struggled to keep air moving through my chest why I looked at the wand, but then he was throwing the door open and my attention was focused on something else entirely. Standing on the porch framed by the wood of the doorway was a man with flaming red hair and another man with messy black hair.

A broken cry fell from my mouth as my heart took off at a sprint and the air was knocked clean out of my chest. I felt a tingling in my chest as my skin warmed with the sensation of my magic being used. I saw the faces of my once friends constrict in confusion before they began to be pushed off of the porch by a strong wind. I snapped my eyes closed as I folded in on myself. I put one hand over the scar under my eye and wrapped the other across my chest to my shoulder to hide what was revealed of the scars on my chest before I began to curl in as small as I could on the floor.

"Potter, Weasley you idiots," Snape shouted, and I barely heard him over the sound of my own cries. "You cannot show up unannounced. You've terrified her."

In attempt to hide away within my mind to not hear them, I unwittingly opened the back of my mind and I was bombarded by several of the memories I had managed to lock away the day before. I couldn't stop the whimper that fell from my lips as I was thrust into the memory of Bellatrix carving into my arm. I tried to shift my focus from it, and instead I was in a memory of Lucius cleaving my flesh in two while he defiled my body.

I could feel the floor shaking beneath me as I was taken over by the memories, and I fought to shove them back under the trap door in the floor of the living room I had created within my mind. I focused my mind, rapidly stamping memories down through the opening, and slamming the door flush with the floor once more. It rattled trying to open, but I regained enough focus that I could pull my eyes open. The room went still once more, and I saw Severus release his stiff stance where he stood by the now closed door.

He gave me a sharp nod, but he did not approach me. Instead he crossed over to the fireplace brandishing his wand to light a fire in the grate. I flinched, but somehow I found I was not terrified of his magic anymore. I watched him closely, not moving from my position curled up on the floor, as he tossed floo powder into the fire.

"Hogwarts, Head's office," he snapped before he stuck his head into the flames. "Minerva have you lost your ever loving mind?"

I could not hear her side of the conversation, but I gather she had said something to him.

"What part of our last conversation suggested you should send guests?" he snapped at her. "She clearly isn't ready to be seen by anyone, having magically banished the boys from the property while attempting to cover her scars so no one could see them."

Another pause, where she must have been speaking to him.

"I said she had done well with occlumency, I did not say she was doing well," he all but yelled, his fist slamming into the hearth even though Minerva could not see it.

I was trying not to flinch from his growing anger when another silence fell. This one was longer so she must have had more to say.

"It's simple if you aren't a complete idiot," he snipped, and I imagined her glaring at him. "In the same manner that you would take the blade from the hand of a person trying to kill themselves, I moved to remove the present threat to Her-Jean's safety. I do not apologize that my mention of teaching her occlumency suggested to you that she was so far along in her recovery."

There was a long pause, and I found myself wondering when exactly they had spoken about me anyway.

"I was clear that I would not apologize," he said in a calmer voice. "I will venture to speak more respectfully in the future if you manage to keep your mouth shut about who I am housing in my home and do not send any other visitors for Jean Granger without consulting me first."

And just like that apparently the floo call was over, because he pulled his head back out of the fireplace.

"Bothersome meddling witch," he spat as he brushed the sooth from his hair. "Just like Dumbledore that one."

When he stood from the hearth once more he worked to reel in the anger he was feeling. I watched as he slowed his breathing, and stilled his limbs. Unconsciously it seemed, I matched my breathing to his, and I felt a bit calmer when he finally turned to face me.

"I apologize for the space invasion," he said his voice returned to the soothing baritone it had been while we spoke in the kitchen. "Shall we finish lunch?"

I nodded, unfolding my limbs from my exaggerated fetal position. He approached me cautiously, and stood nearby without technically invading my personal space. He offered out his hand the intent to help me off the floor clear. I looked at it, wondered briefly if it was safe, and then reminded myself that this was the man who had saved me off the streets and taken me into his home without even expecting to have sex with me. I let go of the breath I had been holding, and I took his offered hand.

"Thanks," I breathed quietly as he pulled me up.

I noticed that his hands felt soft against mine. Did Severus Snape have soft hands, or was I just unused to skin touching my skin? I couldn't be sure, and his hand was gone from mine as soon as I was standing so I couldn't try to asses further.

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><p>After I had eaten, and rather eagerly taken Snape up on his offer to use the shower on the second floor, I was settled in the living room once more staring into the fire. I was focusing on the crackling log, so my mind would not focus on the fact that Severus was using magic upstairs. He had noticed my predicament when I had returned from my shower wearing the same outfit I had been wearing when I went up, and he was currently transfiguring some of his clothes into clothes for me. I was doing my best to be okay with the idea of putting clothes on my body that had been touched by magic, but I wasn't quite ready to watch him cast the spells. I got the impression that the outfit I was wearing at the moment had been transfigured as well, but as I couldn't be entirely sure of the memories I had leading up to waking up on his floor, I wasn't sure my memory of them being too big on me before was accurate.<p>

I was still staring into the fire, with my arms wrapped around my knees when Snape appeared in the living room once more. He walked slowly from the stair well over to sit in the chair nearest to the fire, making a point to stay in my eye line the entire time. I appreciated the gesture more than I would ever be able to explain.

"I've finished with it," and I look up to his eyes, noting at the same time that he had hidden his wand away once more. "The room next to the bathroom is yours, and you will find several outfits in yours size tucked away in the dresser."

"Thank you Professor." I said quietly, turning my eyes back to the fire.

"I thought it best to let you rest for the remainder of the evening," he continued. "But tomorrow I would like to begin more extensive work on you occlumency shields. So we might avoid an incident like today in the future."

"Yes sir," I said quietly, pulling myself up off of the floor. "I think I will go to bed now."

He just nodded, and I scurried off before he could ask anything else of me. I wasn't sure I wanted anything to do with occlumency as it was another form of magic, but at the same time the little bit he had taught me had been incredibly helpful.

I climbed the narrow staircase watching my feet so my eyes wouldn't wander and possibly fall on something else of magical origin in the house while I made my way to the room. I walked past the door that I already knew lead into the bathroom, and gently pushed open the wooden door next to it. The room behind it was simply with pale walls and a wooden floor. There was a bed, a dresser, and a bookshelf that was newly empty. I could tell by the dust outlines left behind, and I assumed that meant to books had been of a magical nature. I found that while I had been running from this man for what felt like my entire life, I was quite grateful for his attentions to my needs. I wasn't sure how to reconcile what I had thought about him with who he seemed to actually be.

I slid into the bed still fully clothed and pulled the green coverlet up to my chin, sinking into the mattress with a sigh of relief. It had been so long since I had slept in a bed. And even though I had only been up for a few hours, I found myself incredibly tired. However, unlike when I apparently slept peacefully on the couch without a care in the world, I could not stomach the idea of lying down to sleep, and leaving myself completely defenseless in a house that had a man in it; a man who had been following me for four years now. Why had he been following me? What did he want from me?

I didn't have very many options available, so I got up and started moving the empty bookshelf to shove it in front of the closed doors. It was surprisingly heavy and difficult to push across the floor. I could feel myself working up a sweat before I made it halfway across the floor.

"Jean," I heard his voice issue through the door, silky smooth, but clearly irritated. "The last thing I need is for you to have a coronary to protect yourself from a nonexistent threat. If you wish me to seal the room so no one but yourself may enter just ask, but please refrain from attempting to move the oak furniture that weighs at least two stone more than you do at the moment."

I froze. Should I let him? It was magic, and I wasn't sure I could be okay with that. But the book shelf was so heavy, and I am so tired. I looked from between the door and the bookshelf trying to make up my mind.

"Two stone, really?" I said finally.

"Well you look to be about 7 stone at the moment, completely unacceptable by the way," he sighed, and I could practically see him scrubbing his eyes in frustration. "And that very heavy bookcase took two men to move into the room, because it weighs about 9 stone."

"Well then," I sighed, slumping to sit on the floor by the bookshelf swiping at the sweat on my brow. "Magic I guess then."

It was a harder sentence to say than I thought, but I managed it. I felt it instantly when he drew his wand and began to put up wards on the room. It felt like my skin was tingling, but I was managing to retain my calmness. Until he moved the bookshelf back where it went. Then I panicked, and the house shook with my fear before I managed to get myself under control.

"I'm sorry, I did not mean to startle you," he called through the door when the floor had stopped shaking, either in response to the magic or to the embarrassingly pitiful moan that had fallen from my lips as I tumbled backwards when the bookshelf was no longer holding me up.

"It's ok," I responded automatically, even though I wasn't sure if it was.

Had Snape ever apologized for anything before? Who was the man on the other side of the door? It was clear I no longer knew myself, but perhaps I didn't know him either. Was this an alternate reality? Had I actually died in that warehouse, and this was some strange afterlife my twisted mind had created?

When I heard his feet walk away from the doorway, I slowly picked myself up off of the floor and went to lay in the bed. I sighed with relief once more at how soft it was, and pulled the blanket tightly around me. It did not take long for me to succumb to sleep and the nightmares that resided there.

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><p>"As I said, it will take time to master the response to each memory, but when we have done it, the nightmare should stop," he told me between bites of the porridge he had made for our breakfast.<p>

"I do apologize again," I said, unable to look up from the flecked pattern on the table. "I didn't mean to wake you with my screaming."

"Jean," he sighed, his hand clenching tighter around his fork as the lines settled more deeply into his face. "Stop apologizing and eat your breakfast please."

He did not speak again, and I found myself wary of doing so. Instead I focused my attention on the food before me, painfully aware of how I wanted to desperately shovel it all into my mouth, but not wanting to offend him or embarrass myself. My hands shook with the effort, but I managed to eat like a civilized human.

"Are you in pain?" he asked quietly, drawing my eyes away from the food for the first time in what felt like a century

I looked at him, my confusion clearly written on my face.

"Your hands are trembling again," he explained, his eyes focusing on the trembling hand that held my fork. "I can get you another potion for that."

"It's not withdrawal," I told him quietly, dropping my eyes in shame. "It's effort."

"I'm sorry?" he said, not understanding, and in that moment I hated him for what he was going to force me to explain to him.

"Excluding yesterday's meal, at which I had this problem, I have not had a real meal in a very long time," I explained to the table, too shamed to meet his eyes as I set down my utensils and hid my hands in my lap. "It takes… effort, to restrain myself from simply shoveling the food into my mouth by the fistful like a caveman."

He stayed quiet, and in the silence I felt certain I was being judged heavily. For some sick reason I needed to know what look he would give me while he mentally degraded me, and I drew my eyes up from my lap. To my surprise he was not even looking at me. He was staring resolutely at the ceiling with a furrowed brow, and his fists clenched tightly on either side of his breakfast.

"Would you like a second serving?" he finally broke the silence, his voice surprisingly airy as he continued his staring contest with the ceiling.

"Yes please," I agreed instantly, then felt betrayed by the warm wetness that began to collect in the corners of my eyes and drip down my cheeks. "Damn."

He pretended not to see me brushing at my tears as he refilled my bowl. He poured me a second glass of juice, and then he quietly walked out of the room. I didn't hear his footsteps recede, but I knew that he must have gone into the room just off of the living room, that I had seen him go into before, because I heard a crashing sound and a muttered oath. I wasn't sure of what he had done, but I got the impression that he had punched something. I was distracted from wondering what he would have done that for by the feel of his magic rippling through the air once more. I held my breath so I would not panic, but the contents of the table still shook a bit before I regained complete control.

When I was under control once more, I took advantage of the fact that I had been left with my breakfast and no audience, and I shoveled the food in without worry of judgment. I ate so quickly that I probably should have had a stomachache, but I simply followed it with my orange juice and sprung up from the table feelings as if a small weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I was _full_, I couldn't remember the last time I had felt truly and completely full.

I shelved the emotions that elicited, shoving them down into the basement within my mind along with everything else. When I was feeling functionally numb once more, I put my dishes into the empty sink, and made my way back out into the living room. Snape was standing on the hearth staring down into the fire, and did not look at me when I entered the room. For the first time today, I noted that he had dressed as a muggle in simple jeans and a black sweater. I appreciated the gesture, but found myself unable to voice it. Instead I went and quietly took up residence on the couch once more.

"I would like to start the process of untangling all of the emotions tied to your different memories," he told the fire. "It will be an intensive process, but for today, I'd like to start with the easier bit of it."

"Which part would that be?" I asked quietly.

"You're sensitivity to magic," he said as he turned around and met my eyes once more. "It will likely take longer than just one session to fix it, but I would like to get started."

"Okay," I nodded, trying to sound more confident than I felt.

"We will sit on the floor across from one another," he explained as he pulled the two pillows off of the couch, and placed them a few feet away from one another in front of the fire. "I will first enter your mind, and we will pull out some of the memories where magic has troubled you and attempt to untangle them. Then I will withdraw from your mind, and I will produce magic in front of you to gauge your reaction. Then we will discuss our results. Do you have any questions?"

"Will it hurt, when you are inside my mind?" I asked him carefully. "It seemed to hurt Harry when his mind was connected to V-V-uh- His."

"That connection was caused by very dark magic, and was thus quiet painful," he explained, his eyes seeming to soften. "What I am going to do will not hurt."

I nodded, and he indicated a pillow. I took that as an instruction to go sit on it, and vacated my seat on the couch. I dropped rather unceremoniously onto the pillow, and he folded himself sinuously onto the one facing me.

"For now all you need to do is keep your eyes open and focused on me," he explained.

I nodded, and locked my eyes on him, blinking a few times to get it out of my system. He leaned slightly forward, his eyes focusing on mine like I imagine a hawk would focus on its prey. He held his wand casually in his hand, and I almost didn't hear his whispered incantation.

Suddenly I could not see the living room of Snape's home; instead I seemed to be surrounded by the living room within my mind. I could not see my body, but I felt that I was standing within it. I could also sense that Snape was present, though I could not see him either. I looked about the room, noting that it seemed to be a bit shoddily made, as if it were thrown together by inexperience carpenter. One of the walls seemed to lean in toward me, but it remained standing. The biggest distraction was the trap door in the floor that led into the basement. It was flapping a bit, like something was trying to break free.

I couldn't see him move, but I knew when he had pulled a memory from beneath the floor boards, because it filled all of the corners of my mind. The living room was blown away by the picture of Harry and Ron framed by a doorway, looking surprised by the sight of me. I felt my panic, but I also felt a gentle encouragement to remain calm. I took me a moment to understand that Snape was attempting to sooth me, while he forced me to look at the picture of what had sent me into a fit just yesterday.

Neither boy had drawn a wand. They simply stood on porch, unmoving, their desire to come to me clear on their faces. Those faces, which I could never forget, were so different now. Older, yet lighter. Harry's face no longer held the weight it had when we had attended school together. Ron's eyes had the very beginnings of laugh lines at the corners of their eyes. They were still the boys I had always knows. My surge of possessiveness was met with approval that was tinged just slightly with confusion. I acknowledged that Snape might not understand why I liked the boys that he found to be rather annoying.

The memory drifted away, and for just a moment I saw the living room of my creation, but then a new memory was pulled from beneath the floor and it filled my mental vision. I saw myself curled on the living room floor of the same house, with Snape crouching over me, shielding my body as his possessions flew about the room attempting to destroy everything in their path. I felt a mix of terrible embarrassment with my terror at the magic surrounding me. I also felt an undercurrent of something that had the distinct flavor of Snape, but I couldn't place it through my rising panic. The memory shifted, and I saw my magic dwindling as he used his own magic to repair the damage I had done to his home.

I wasn't sure if I was able to control the memory or if he was in complete control, but I reached out tentatively to take control, and met no resistance. I dialed it back, to where the shift had started. I watched as bits of furniture crashed into the back of his neck and his only reaction was to tighten his protective stance over me. I listened as he explained to me how to create the room that he and I were both residing in, and I watched as my destruction stopped. I let the images of him repairing my damage fill our minds for a moment, but then I dialed it back to that moment when a bit of broken couch had hit him in the back of the neck and his only response was to protect me. I felt myself fill with what I could only describe as wonder. But as soon as it came it was replaced with a sick guilt that wracked my entire body, and I pushed as hard as I could to get him out of my mind. I felt a hint of his confusion mingling with sadness, before he withdrew.

I found myself able to see again, looking into his dark eyes. I tore my gaze from him, to guilty to look into those eyes right now. Why would he bother protecting me, when I was ruining his things? Why was he bothering with any of this? What did he want from me?

"If you are ready, I would like to try the next step," he said, his voice not betraying if he was thinking about what we had just watched or not.

He was so focused on the task of piecing me back together. Was it possible that I knew nothing of him? I had always argued against the boys that he wasn't the evil bugger they made him out to be, but was it possible that he was an even better man than I had thought? Was it possible that he was simply being selfless? That he wanted nothing other than to help me?

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><p>The next day we had yet another awkward incident, but this time I wasn't sure who felt more awkward about it. Snape told me he had a potion for me, and left me standing in the living room while he went to retrieve it. He came back, standing several feet from me, and leaning awkwardly across the gap between us to hand a small jar of orange paste.<p>

"I brewed some scar healing paste while you slept," he explained as I took it from him. "I hope you won't be terribly upset by the intrusion, but I applied a first dose after healing your wounds. If you keep applying it each day, I believe your scars will disappear entirely over time."

I nodded, and began to drop onto my knees once more. I think it was out of habit, but I thought about it as I lowered myself towards the floor. This made sense, it was different than lunch.

"No," he said firmly, when my first knee hit the floor. He said it as if he were talking to a dog.

"But," I said, my head tilting to the side in my confusion. "This isn't a basic human need."

He fisted his hand in his hair, and I wondered if he was very angry with me. I felt a blush creep into my cheeks when he looked at me, and his eyes looked almost pained. I sifted the urge to make my payment into my minds basement, and with it out of my mind I realized how inappropriate my actions were. I realized as I began to sink further into my mortification, that there was a slight coloring in his pale cheeks as well.

"Perhaps I should have been more clear," he said finally, withdrawing his hand from his hair, his voice returning to the even keeled smooth baritone I was used to. "I do not expect any sort of payment, particularly of the sexual variety, for helping you to put your life back together. Let's not repeat this shall we?"

I nodded more enthusiastically than the situation merited as I hopped up off the floor. Suddenly just being in the room with Snape was extremely embarrassing. We were supposed to do another session on my response to magic as he hadn't been able to do more than draw his wand before I had freaked out last time.

"Thank you for this," I called over my shoulder as I hurried towards the stairs. "I think I'll just go uh put it on then."

I didn't wait to hear what he said. I needed to be anywhere that wasn't the same room with him. Had I really just been offering to perform a sexual favor for my former potions professor? What was wrong with me? I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want… what did I want?

For now I wanted to apply this paste, because the prospect of looking in the mirror without having to see a reminder of what happened every single time I looked in the mirror. I wasn't sure how to be okay with potions, and with using mental magic, and with trying to be okay with letting Snape use magic in front of me. But if embracing potions meant I might one day look upon a face that was unmarked, and using mental magic meant I could get through an hour without yearning for an escape from my life maybe it would be okay. Maybe somehow I could have a life that made sense again. The jury is still out on whether or not I actually wanted to really and truly include magic in that life.

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><p>I fell asleep bundled up in the green coverlet after I had covered all my scars with a thick film of the paste Snape had given me. I was surprised that the orange, slightly gritty cream went on clear on my skin. It was warm, and it tingled just a bit, but then it dried and it was almost like I have never put it on, except that I thought my scars might look a little less dominant. Maybe.<p>

And I woke screaming, in a dark room, that for a moment I did not recognize. My senses came back to me fairly quickly, and I stopped screaming. When I fell quite I discovered that Snape was standing in the open doorway, attempting to get me to come out into the hallway.

"Can't you just come in here?" I sighed, pulling the blanket more tightly around myself, annoyed with how much my throat was hurting.

"I can't," he said simply. "The wards on the room prohibit anyone other than yourself from entering. As I cast them myself, I can assure they are strong enough that even a spider would be inflicted with unbearable pain if it tried to enter your room."

I was touched, if a bit disturbed, at his dedication to my need for a sense of security here.

"Why do you want to do?" I grumbled, rather unwilling to pull myself out of the bed where I was so comfortable, even if I had just been screeching from a night terror.

"Before the heightened emotional state passes, I would like to do the exercise again," he explained "I think it will help us to better structure your mental infrastructure. That was when we were most successful before."

I grumbled pulling myself out of the bed, staying wrapped up in the coverlet, and followed him begrudgingly down to the living room. Sure my heart rate hadn't lowered yet, but right now the main emotion I was feeling was annoyance. I may have petulantly stomped down the stairs in his wake.

The pillows were already sitting on the floor waiting for us, and I wondered vaguely if he had moved them by magic, curiosity slipping through my annoyance. This caused me to feel confused, and that did nothing to help me settle the cacophony of emotions that seemed to be racketing through me. I dropped rather ungracefully down on the pillow in front of Snape and closed my eyes tightly for nearly a full minute before I opened them again with a slight nod to let him know I was ready.

"Legilimens," he said quietly, and his eyes drifted away from me as my vision filled instead with my ramshackle little living room.

_Focus on pushing back the leaning wall_ his deep baritone instructed, and I wasn't sure if he was speaking to me aloud or if I was just hearing what he was thinking at me. I pushed away this question and tried to focus my mind entirely on the task of fixing my faulty wall. I imagined it looking like a normal wall, but that did not immediately change the wall.

I focused, and pushed, willing the wall to become the picture I had created. It was taxing, and I felt as if I was trying to decipher a particularly difficult textbook, but ever so slowly the wall began to shift. It lened back inch by inch until finally I was surrounded by four normal walls. And just like that I was pulled back into the real world, and I was once again facing Severus Snape.

"Very good," he said, and I was surprised to be receiving praise from Snape. "Now I will re-engage, and I want you to ensure that the wall is not tilted before I enter."

I nodded, focusing my mind, and picturing the room as it had just been. I met his eyes, and this time he did not even speak the spell aloud as he slipped into my mind. I took in the room, and saw that it was in the state I wished it to be. He did not speak or think at me, like he had before, but I felt his approval.

_I am going to pull out an unpleasant memory of magic, and I want you to focus on maintaining the order in the living room that you have created._ I listened to his instruction, and tried to real in my panic the trap door lifted open and instead of seeing my living room, I saw the poorly lit dungeon corridor outside of he potions classroom.

I was caught in the cross fire of a fight between Malfoy and Harry. It was like I was once again living the moment that I had been hit with the curse that caused my front teeth to grow uncontrollably. My past embarrassment mingled with my present panic at having a curse placed on me. I fought to temper my reaction, and Snape suddenly cut off the memory. I felt my anger grow as I realized he was stopping it before watching how he had been the one to insult me for my predicament.

I reached out in my anger to force the memory forward once more. I felt a steely calm grow in me as I forced him to watch as my hands were pried away from hiding my teeth. Made him experience the terrible humiliation and utter betrayal as my own professor joined in my torment.

_Severus Snape_ I thought scathingly to myself. But that seemed to somehow exert the control I was now holding, and the image we were immersed in changed. Instead I saw an image I didn't have a clear memory of experiencing, and yet somehow I knew it was my memory. It was his face, as if he were looking down upon me. His face focused entirely on me, his care clear in his eyes.

This was not the man who had made a joke at the expense of a student. This want the man who sat here in the living room with me. As I tried to reconcile my mind with the fact that this man, was a good man, who wanted to help me, I felt many things. I wasn't entirely they were all my emotion, and they flitted by so quickly that I couldn't name them all. Shock, comfort, acceptance, anger, trust, distrust, pain, happiness, trepidation, and something I couldn't quite place or fathom.

He pulled us out of the memories, and I was so distracted by what I was feeling, I almost didn't notice that my living room remained exactly as we had left it. I was still in control of it, even if I didn't feel entirely in control of what I was feeling.

He receded from my mind, and once again I was sitting in his actual living room, facing him where I sat on my pillow. I pulled the blanket a little tighter around me as I stared at him, trying to process what my realization about him really meant. There were so many things I should probably say now, and they were all competing for importance as they raced towards my mouth.

"I've only just realized, but your eyes are actually blue." I said, surprising the both of us with my choice of topic. "I always thought they were black, but they are just a very dark blue. That is fascinating."

"Regardless of the color of my eyes," he sneered. "I believe we should go again."

"Can't you just rearrange my mind so that magic doesn't bother me," I groaned. "It would go much faster that way."

"Only you can be the master of your mind," he said quietly. "Not every person can learn to master their mind, but if you learn to master your mind, you will then be the master of your own fate."

I refrained from being a know-it-all as he had often called me in the past and did not point out that I would be the mistress of my fate if anything. Instead I squared my shoulder, took a deep breath, and met his eyes again.

"Alright. Let's go again." I said firmly.


	11. Or let the moment define you

_**Songs for this chapter: Safe and Sound Taylor Swift and Landlocked Blues by Bright Eyes**_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

Each day the sessions became a little harder. We pushed further and further into magic of my past, and though I found that I could now watch Snape perform magic without causing any sort of disturbance to my environment, I was also discovering for the first time that my history in the magical world was a bit darker than I had realized. Snape had taken to following whatever clues I must have been giving him through my reactions to the memories he was pulling up to follow them to memories he couldn't really have known about. There just seemed to be so many options for him to choose from over the course of the five years that I attended Hogwarts.

As we worked through things, though I was still troubled by the idea of magic, we seemed to be making some sort of progress. At least I assumed I must be making progress that warranted the delving into even more difficult magical memories. We had moved well beyond the pedantic attacks of angry school boys, and into the grittier moments of my past.

I found myself sitting on what I now thought of as my blue pillow facing an unearthly calm Severus Snape while I attempted to reign in the shock I was feeling at just the suggestion of what he wanted to do deal with today.

"The ministry of magic?" I stuttered, as if I had somehow misheard him.

"Yes, I think you are ready to start dealing with a direct affront to your person," he said evenly. "I have faith in your ability to handle it."

I nodded, not sure how to articulate my response to his faith. Part of me felt it was misplaced, and another part was proud to discover its existence. Since when did I desire his approval? _He's your professor Hermione, you've always desired his approval_. This felt different.

I locked eyes with him, and he slipped into my mind with an ease that spoke of how frequently we did this anymore. I only saw the imagined living room for a moment before a memory I made a point never to think about rippled out to the far corners of my mind. My mind's eye was filled with the image of myself facing a raging and silenced Dolohov. My skin crawled at the sight of him, and I was filled with the urge to scream as he turned his wand on me.

I latched on to the slow rolling calm that Snape was emanating, attempting to halt my own reaction as Dolohov's wand slashed through the air. My panic rose as the purple flames flew through the air, but that steadfast calm bolstered me. I held it close to my heart as the curse hit my chest and my mental agony peaked. The memory of the pain was less than what it had been when it happened, but my fear was so much stronger. As my memory self collapsed to the ground and the darkness fell Severus pulled us back out of the connection. I kept my eyes locked on him, still attempting to draw the calm that he held somewhere within them so I might refrain from an all-out panic attack.

"You are doing very well," he said in that smooth voice of his, holding the eye contact with me the entire time. "Not even a trace of uncontrolled magic."

"You're not going to use magic on me now are you?" I asked him, feeling my stomach roil with nerves at the very idea.

"No," he assured me. "For now I just want you to look away from me, and just take in the room. Look at the lack of damage and take a moment to just be proud of yourself."

I felt my brow quirk at him as I continued to look into his eyes. Be proud of myself? Severus Snape was asking me to be proud of myself? Who was this man and what had he done to the potions master? I kept staring into those dark eyes trying to understand who this man was. This was the man who had tormented my friends and me for years, and to this day remained unrepentant for it, and yet he was not that man anymore. This was the man who was content to sit on a pillow and simply stare in my eyes if that's what it took to keep me calm. Why did it matter to him? Why was he so focused on this?

"Jean, the first step is to break eye contact," he said firmly before he resolutely turned his head and broke eye contact with me.

That startled me out of my thoughts, and I finally followed his instruction to look around the room. He was right of course, though how he knew it without looking I couldn't be sure, everything in the room was in its rightful place. There was not even a sign of the subtle shifting of furniture caused by minimal shaking. I really hadn't done any magic at all. I was supposed to be feeling pride according to Snape, but what I was feeling was relief.

I closed my eyes and basked in the lack of magic surrounding me. For the first time in more than four years, I breathed a tiny sigh of relief at everything being perfectly calm. When the blissfully calm moment passed, I remembered why there should have been a magical response, and the moment was broken.

"Are you ready to go again," he asked quietly, and I turned to look at him once more.

I looked back at his eyes and wondered yet again how I had never noticed that his eyes were blue. It seemed so obvious now. What seemed less obvious was the relevance of his eye color. I was developing some sort of obsession with the dreaded dungeon bat, and clearly there was something wrong with me.

"I'm ready," I said finally, pushing all thought from my mind and simply focused on ensuring that my living room would be in perfect order.

He slipped back in without warning. My work to focus the living room was all for not, as he bypassed it entirely, deftly pulling the next memory from beneath the floor boards so quickly that it seemed to fill my mind instantaneously. My chest froze, the air no longer passing through my lungs as I realized what he had done. I was in that hallway, still thankfully clothed, and I felt as the body bind was released from my person.

I choked on my blind panic as I felt the first wave of the cruciatus, somewhat dulled with time, hit my body. It was more than the agony I had experienced while I had writhed on that floor, because this time I saw it all. I could not simply close my eyes and try to pretend it wasn't happening. I watched as I bit clean through my lip, and smashed my limbs into the carpet and against the walls. I watched Bellatrix laugh maniacally and Dolohov grunt with pleasure. I even took in Lucius Malfoy, seemingly unwilling to look at me as the torture continued.

Time seemed just as irrelevant as I watched this memory unfold, but I was able to track somewhat how much time had passed. I wondered how I could have remained sane, when just that first attack had lasted for more than five minutes. Five minutes of blinding wordless pain that left me a quivering bloody mess on the floor. Through the memory I discovered something I hadn't known at the time, perhaps the shock affecting my ability to feel; I had wet myself during that first onslaught.

My embarrassment warred with my rage and panic and I wanted nothing more than to get out of this memory. I tried to push Snape out of my head, but he was not easily removed this time. Instead I felt his resolve and a firm push to hold myself together. He released the hold he had on the memory, and for a moment I saw the living room which valiantly held together though the trap door was flapping madly. But then I felt an unfamiliar tugging sensation that was impossible to describe yet I likened to the feeling I used to get as a child when I had been spinning circles in the yard but I suddenly stopped.

My living room blurred out of focus as I followed the tug that seemed to be pulling me forward, and suddenly I found myself in complete darkness. It remained for a moment, but then I realized that a room was taking form around me. I thought for a moment the dark stone room that was taking shape around me must be the infrastructure Severus had created within his own, but then with a sinking sensation in my stomach I realized that I could see him. He was prostrate on the floor in the deepest of bows, and I lifted my eyes up to see who he would be so subservient to in the memory.

My blood ran cold when I saw that it was Voldemort himself, who stood over Severus with his wand drawn. I could see his lips moving, and I knew he was saying something to Snape, but the words were distorted and unintelligible. I wondered if he had distorted the memory so I would not be able to hear what this conversation had been about, or if he simply couldn't remember.

The flapping of lips stopped and with the snapping of a wand arm, Snape's back arched up bring his face away from the floor. The room remained silent this time, but it may as well have been full of screaming for the look I saw on his face. His mouth remained firmly closed, but his brows knit together and his eyes were full of a pain that would never have words. I knew that pain.

I watched, feeling as if my very soul were shaking with the emotion it evoked in me, as his torture continued. He slowly degraded his firm stance under that hateful wand, and though his mouth remained closed, tears began to fall from his eyes, and his body began to writhe against that stone floor. For the entirety of the memory I had felt nothing but a steely resolve bleeding out from Snape as he allowed me to see this memory, but as I watched a puddle begin to form beneath his body I felt his embarrassment. Suddenly I understood why he would show me this memory. It was an acknowledgement that it could happen to anyway, not matter how strong they might try to be.

I hoped that he felt my acceptance and understood that I did not think poorly of him for his loss of control. There was another disorienting dizzy sensation and I found myself outside of his mind once more. For a second I was within wall of my own construction but then he broke the connection. When my eyes once gain focused in on the real world, I found that the living room was in disarray. It looked as if a strong wind had blown through uncontrolled, and I knew that I was at fault.

"I'm sorry," I told him, surprised that my voice was rough and my throat hurt.

Had I been screaming?

"Don't apologize, I admit I expected worse," he said quietly, his voice just a smooth as ever. "Are you okay?"

Was I?

"I think… I think that I am," I said finally, my hand climbing up to rub my throat on its own accord. "I'm so tired now."

"That was rather taxing I agree," he sighed. "Let's get some warm tea for your throat, and then off to bed with you. I think we can agree that we should be done for the night."

"Thank you," I sighed, a weight falling from my shoulders at the acknowledgement that I would not be forced to do that again tonight.

I pulled myself awkwardly off the pillow on shaky limbs and followed him into the kitchen. He seemed to forget himself, his eyes distracted, as he set to work on the tea. I watched him surprisingly calm as he summoned a tea cup and conjured the tea within it. I even managed to keep breathing regularly as the refrigerator opened on his command and sent a little jar of honey floating over to him. I wondered vaguely if this was some sort of test, but when I looked to his eyes I saw they were far away and distracted. No, I don't think he even realized he was using magic at all, let alone in front of me.

He handed me the cup, briefly meeting my eyes, before he turned away once more. I saw him moving toward his liquor cabinet, and I decided that was my cue to go to my bedroom. I had only seen him drink on occasions when he seemed particularly upset, and it was easy to gather that he did not wish to have an audience for such times. I sat on the bed sipping at my tea, basking in the relief it lent to my throat.

I was nearly done with the cuppa when I heard a knock at the door. My ears perked up to hear who would be visiting at this time of night, but I did not feel nearly as panicked as I had the last time a knock had sounded at the door. I heard a gruff curse, and I knew that Snape was not at all amused with the idea of having a visitor at the moment. I listened intently taking in the sound of the door creaking open, it could use a greasing.

"Potter, showing up unannounced again I see," Snape's velvet voice scathed.

"Yes sir," Harry answered tentatively. "I was worried that a floo call would be startling, and I admit I came at the late hour hoping that she might have gone to sleep already."

"So you aren't here to see her?" he asked, his voice too even to reveal what he was thinking.

"Well I would love to see her, but I thought it better to first check with you if she is ready for something like that," Harry answered, and his voice sounded closer.

Snape must have let him into the house. There was a silence, where I pictured the two of them taking seats, and I wondered what they would look like trying to be civil with one another when neither liked the other.

"I am not sure she is," Snape answered finally. "She has expressed no desire to speak with anyone outside of this house as of yet."

"How is she," he asked, seemingly unperturbed by my lack of interested in contacting him.

"She gets a little better each day," Snape answered carefully. "It's been a struggle to bring her closer to repairing her magical core, but I think we will get there in time. She is becoming less resistant which should expedite the process."

"I don't mean to be impertinent, but why are you forcing her to repair her magic if she doesn't want to?" Harry asked him so quietly I struggled to hear him. "Wouldn't it be better to leave things well enough alone?"

"Would you say that if it were something other than her magic?" Snape asked him shrewdly.

"Yes I think I would," Harry answered after a pause.

"So if the attack on her person left her unwilling to view the world around her," Snape said, a bit of venom leaking out in his voice. "You would be okay with her deciding to cut out her own eyes?"

"Of course not!" Harry scathed. "That's a part of her body for Merlin's sake."

"Can't you see that its one in the same?" Snape asked him quietly. "Your friend remains in this struggling state for many reasons, but the largest of them is that she refuses to heal her magic, and by leaving that splintered she is leaving her very soul shattered. She may as well cut out her eyes, as it would be just as debilitating."

"But surely she could learn to function without her magic," Harry pushed.

"Yes, just as she could learn to function without her eyes Potter," he sighed. "The problem is that Herm-Jean is a witch, and because of that her magic is an intrinsic piece of her soul, and by leaving it shattered she inhibits her own ability to heal."

I didn't want to listen to them anymore. I hastily tossed back the last of my tea and delicately set the cup down on the bedside table to they would not hear it and realize I was awake and listening to them. I flopped back on the bed, and buried my head under my pillows to drown out the sound of their talking. I focused on the sound of my breathing, willing all thought out of my mind, until ever so slowly I drifted out of the land of the waking and into the world of the dreamers.

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><p>I woke screaming, like I had done before in the past. But this was different. The screams were retched, and I felt as if tendons were snapping in my throat. The nightmare had been the worst I had experienced, and to my surprise it hadn't been me who had been writhing in pain on the floor. My eyes snapped open, and I realized that the reason I felt as if I was living through an earth quake was because hands were shaking my arms.<p>

I blinked the sleep from my eyes and I realized that there was another body on the bed with me, and I followed the arms with my eyes, leading up away from me and into those deep dark eyes. I surprised us both by launching myself up from the bed throwing my arms around him.

"Severus," I gasped out, barely audible through the rasping sound of my voice. "It was so wretched, I'm so sorry."

"What are you on about," he asked me, and I felt his chest vibrate with his speech, vibrating against me as I clung to him, reassuring myself that he was alive and well.

"My dream, I-I-I was torturing you," I choked out, and then I began to cry.

Great sobs tore from my chest, turning my stomach with their force. I clutched at his robes, seeking some sort of comfort from the horrible dream. In the back of my mind I felt the surprise that not only was I allowing someone to touch me; I was actively seeking it out. But in the front of my mind, all I felt was the need to be certain he was whole and living.

"Shhhh," he soothed, starting with a gentle rocking motion that helped to sooth me though the tears did not stop completely. "It was just a dream. Everything is just fine. Nothing has happened."

He stayed mostly quiet after that, but he continued to rock me. Ever so slowly he wrapped his arms around me, and I felt the last of the tension bleed out of my frame as I melt into him, my tear stained face pressing into the chest of his robes. It took time, but slowly breathing became easier, and I felt the tears stop. My throat ached terribly, and I was so tired, but the worst of it had passed.

"How did you get in?" I asked him finally, in a froggy voice I hardy recognized. "I thought the wards wouldn't let anyone through."

"Not without causing them extreme pain, but it is possible to breach them with the right determination," he told me quietly.

"I don't know who else would bloody well try to though," a strained voice responded, and I snapped my head to the side. "That was right insane."

Peaking under Severus's arm, I saw that Harry was standing just outside the doorway looking a bit puckish as he stared at the man who was holding me. I wasn't sure what to respond to first. I wanted to ask Severus if he had really walked through the wards to get to me, but I also wanted to address the fact that Harry was still here. And that he could see me. I glanced surreptitiously down at my arms, and saw that though they had faded, all of my scars were still quite visible. Was I ready for him to see me?

"Why did you walk through the wards?" I asked finally, leaning back out of the hug so I could see his face. "You didn't leave them up simply because I hadn't asked you to take them down did you?"

"I didn't think about it," he told me, his brow constricting as he looked down at me. "You were screaming bloody murder, and I just didn't even think."

"Severus, you are an idiot," I said lightly, and to my surprise a tiny chuckle fell from my lips.

Something flashed in his eyes and I wondered if he was angry that I had insulted him. His features seemed too soft to be angry though. He actually looked a bit shocked. Maybe it was the fact that his hands still rested on my shoulders and I was doing nothing to stop it, or maybe it was the fact that after the screaming that had brought him running I seemed mostly put together. Or maybe it was as simple as the fact that I had called him by his name. I realized now I had never done it before not even in my mind. Something felt different tonight though. Maybe it was the dream being so different, or maybe it was the memory he had shared with me. Something was different.

"You can drop the wards if you want," I said finally. "I trust you."

Something definitely passed through his eyes that time, but he still said nothing. His head titled just slightly, but then the moment seemed to pass.

"I will go get you some more tea," he said, as he delicately released his hold on me and moved up and away from me. "And perhaps a lozenge."

Then he turned to the door, drawing his wand, and I saw Harry quickly move away from the doorway. Did he think that Severus would harm him? The idea was laughable to me, but I didn't laugh, I was much too tired for that. I felt the ripple of his magic as he removed the wards, and then I watched him walk swiftly out of the room, his robes snapping around the corner as he disappeared down the stairs.

Harry reappeared in the doorway, and tentatively stuck a hand through the open space. He breathed a sigh of relief when nothing happened and stepped carefully in the room. I noticed his movements were slow and deliberate, like he was approaching a rabid dog, but I tried not to be offended. He stopped hallway between the door and the bed, and he just looked at me.

"Saying I've missed you doesn't seem to quite get it right," he said after a long time. "After years of thinking you were dead, seeing you again is just… incredible."

"You look good," I told him. "I notice your scar has gone, been using some of that scar healing paste yourself?"

"No, it was something else, but that's a bit of a long story," he said quietly. "Perhaps another time. I notice yours are going as well, or at least it looks like it, I didn't get a good look at them last time to be honest."

That made me self-conscious, and I quickly pulled the green blanket up to my chin, covering what I could.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you. I take it Snape has been helping with them though?" he asked, and I gave a curt nod. "Makes sense. I think he would do just about anything for you. Walking through that doorway… well that was something else."

"What happened?" I asked, my curiosity about the wards overriding my discomfort at having him see me like this.

"I didn't even realize there were wards until he tried to get into the room," Harry said, his eyes loosing focus as he thought of the memory. "One minute he was walking, and the next he was on his knees, his teeth bared in obvious agony as he literally dragged himself across the floor to get into the room."

My stomach turned with guilt, and unbidden an image of the flailing Severus from my dream filtered into my mind. I had dreamt of being a source of pain for him, but in a way it had been real. He had walked through a fire of his own making to get to me, and I couldn't begin to fathom why he would do that.

"Once he was clear of the door it seemed to be fine," Harry went on after a while. "He pulled himself up, and set to the task of trying to wake you. The whole thing was that much more disturbing with your screams filling the room. Do you have nightmares a lot?"

"Yes," I answered honestly. "But not like that. And mostly they have been getting better lately. That was… unexpected to say the least."

Just as I finished speaking Severus reappeared in the room, and made his way toward me with a new cup of tea. He held it in his hand as he approached the bed, but when I reached for it he did not immediately hand it over. Instead he dug in his pocket and produced a lozenge, that I was surprised to see I recognized as being muggle. It was the same kind my mother used to give me when I had a bad cold, because they temporarily numbed the throat.

I took it with a small smile of gratitude and gladly unwrapped it and put it in my mouth. He extended his hand for the wrapper, and when I turned it over, he finally gave me the tea. I sipped at it slowly, my eyes beginning to droop almost instantly, and I suspected he had dosed it with dreamless sleep. He took the old tea cup from the nightstand, and waited patiently for me to drink up the cup he had given to me. I would have liked to take my time sipping at it, but I was worried I would end up drifting off with it in my hand and spill it everywhere, so I hurried to finish it off quickly. I handed the cup back to him, and settled back into the bed.

"I think that's enough excited for one night," he said quietly as he turned to look at Harry with a stern eye. "I think it's time to go home to your wife."

My curiosity flared at the mention of a wife, but I was simply too tired. I snuggled deeper into my blankets as I felt my eyes grow heavier. The two men left my room, and Severus paused only to turn the light out before he disappeared down the stairs once more.

* * *

><p>Things changed after that night. Some of the changes were better, as it seemed acknowledging that I trusted him left me feeling quite comfortable around Severus. Others were hard, because my slow growing ability to handle magic being used around me, lead to more intensive sessions meant to break down the wall I had created to keep it separate from me.<p>

After what seemed a lifetime of unpleasant session that slowly dwindled the topics we had left to breach I realized that all that we had left to delve into were things of a sexual variety. I was terrified to even think of them, and Severus seemed hesitant to deal with them. For which I found myself rather grateful. So it was with a heavy heart that I sat down at the kitchen table with him. He said we needed to discuss the next step, and I was on edge about breaching this final barrier.

"We've done good work on the magic issue," he started quietly while I focused on dipping my tea bag. "But I think I know what the last barrier is that is keeping us from restoring your magical core."

"What is that?" I asked hesitantly, not willing to give an inch on this. If he was going to make us do this, it was going to be a hard fought victory.

"The way we used occlumency to structure your mind," he answered simply.

I was floored. That was not what I had expected at all. I looked up to him instinctively tilting my head to the side as I tried to understand what he was saying.

"In essence we have built a rather elaborate way of repressing the magical side of yourself," he went on. "I think it's time we dismantle it."

"You mean, just let my defenses go?" I questioned feeling an unfamiliar doubt in him rise up in my chest. "I don't mean to be rude, but that sounds like a bloody awful idea."

He stiffened, and I suspected it was at my disrespectful tone, but he did not address it.

"Well, one person in this room is an expert on occlumency, so I suspect it would be best to follow their advice on the issue," he said stiffly. "In order to further facilitate your recovery the block between you and your magical core needs to be restored, and removing the infrastructure should allow us to do that."

I stared at him, feeling myself grow angry with him, and I realized that we were going to fight. I found in that moment as I stared at him across the table that I didn't care that he was the feared potions professor. I didn't even care that he was the man that had been so helpful to me all this summer. No in that moment all I cared about was that he was going to try and force me to do something that was fairly well guaranteed to be painful and unpleasant.

"Well then I suppose we should go with the one expert on the desires of on Jean Granger and listen to her insistence that she has no desire to reconnect with her magical core," I snipped. "Thus the destruction of the one thing keeping me sane is not needed."

"We are nearing the end of August," he said stiffly. "If I push this back any further, you won't be ready in time to return to Hogwarts."

I pulled up short. What the hell was he talking about? There seemed to be less air in the room as I attempted to think through the sudden panic I was feeling.

"Who said anything about returning to Hogwarts," I gasped at him, annoyed at how breathy my voice sounded.

"It's the next natural step," he sighed. "You have yet to complete your education. You would find it difficult to find an adequate job in the wizard world without proper certification."

"I'll be doing no such thing," I scathed, pushing my chair back and standing from the table. "I do not want a job in the wizarding world; I do not want to return to Hogwarts. I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH MAGIC!"

"You are a witch, magic is your very essence," he snapped, standing from the table himself.

"Hermione Granger was a witch," I scathed. "But that girl died four years ago. I'm sure if you were to check you would note that Jean Granger has no home on the registry of Hogwarts students."

I expected yelling, or a snide comment. Some sort of rise for my cheek. I was woefully unprepared for what came next.

"Legillimens," he said in a deadly voice as he swept around table closing the distance between us.

I was so shocked by the invasion of my mind, that the leaning wall had returned in my living room. I felt his presence firmly his time, and it was oppressive. He did not pull out memories like I was accustomed to, instead his invisible presence began to wreak havoc in my mind. Furniture began to disappear from the living room and I felt a sick feeling in my stomach as he began to strip away my defenses.

_Your mind would be more receptive to the changes if you were the one to take down the barriers_ his voice lashed against me. His words were heavy with the anger he was feeling, and it only spiked when he felt my refusal to help him.

Instead I focused on trying to recreate what he had taken. I had grown so comfortable around this man, that I had forgotten his past. I had forgotten that he could be ruthless, and most of all I had forgotten that he was a very powerful wizard. In a wave of absolute fury, ever single addition to my living room was wiped away. I was left with a barren room already marred by a leaning wall, and I could feel a great shaking within me as those walls began to tremble under his attack.

There was one unending moment where I drown in my fear and his anger that seemed to drag on for an eternity. Then with a ruthless efficiency, he rent the walls apart, leaving an deep unfathomable blackness in its wake. I did the only thing I could think of I threw myself blindly after the disappearing wall. I felt that strange rushing sensation once more, and I fell rather ungracefully into the mind of Severus Snape.

I got a snapshot of his emotions on impact. Regret, sadness, anger, betrayal, and a desire for absolution. And then I was unceremoniously shoved out of his mind as he severed our mental connection. I found myself leaning against the counter panting. I was shocked, and scared, and so angry. Severus was moving back around the table, practically prowling as his anger radiated off of him. Let him be mad, that bastard. He had crossed a line; he had no right to be angry with me for crossing one as well.

"Are you happy now you wanker," I snapped finally, kicking my abandoned chair in my anger. "You put all the pieces back together. Yay you."

I was being rude, but I wasn't being dishonest. I could feel the connection that had been made by his snapping of my defenses. I could feel my magic flowing through my body in a way I hadn't experienced since that very first time casting a spell. If I hadn't grown to hate magic so it would have been a joyous occasion.

"I'm sorry that I had to do it that way," he said in a calm voice that did not match his angry face. "It was the only way to make you see reason. With your core intact, all you really need to return to Hogwarts is a wand and a bit of determination."

"I am not returning to Hogwarts!" I screamed at him, slamming my hands down on the table, upsetting my cup of tea.

"Hermione, it has to be done," he said quietly, turning to face me fully once more.

"My name is Jean," I said, my voice falling into a deadly calm as I back up to put more space between us. "I thank you kindly for all the help you've given me, but I think we've reached the moment of our parting."

"What are you talking about?" he asked quietly.

"All this time, I've been trying to figure out what it was you wanted from me. I never could, and I eventually told myself you were just being selfless," I explained coolly as I moved hesitantly toward the door. "But now I understand. You think returning me to the wizarding world with absolve you of some guilt you harbor. I will not be your penance Severus Snape."

I pushed open the kitchen door, and made my way toward the coat rack that held the jacket he had transfigured for me when he had tried to convince me to step outside of the house weeks ago. I heard his footsteps behind me, but I attempted to ignore him as I pulled the jacket on.

"So that's it then," he snapped, the anger clear in his voice. "I make you angry one and you're just going to leave. And where exactly do you intend to go?"

"I haven't any idea," I said loftily as I opened the front door and stepped out into the falling night with Severus hot on my heels. "But I believe I have proved over the years that I can find a way to make ends meet somehow."

He pulled up short, and a small distance grew between us as he stood still and I continued forward.

"If you leave now," he said a little louder as I continued to move away from him. "You will not be welcome back."

I turned to look at him, surprised to see that his face looked pained. Surprised, but too angry to be effected by it.

"I have absolutely no intention of returning here," I snapped in parting, and I turned and continued to walk away.

I hit the end of the block before I heard the telltale cracking of apparition. I quickly pushed aside the question of where he would be going, and focused on putting one foot in front of the other, and heading out of whatever town this was.

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><p><strong>Well that was rather more difficult to do that I thought. I've been building towards their fight for awhile, but simultaneously building their relationship in the process left me more bereft by their departure than I expected. It's been awhile since I have felt quite so attached to my characters, and I rarely cry over my own work, but I must admit my eyes teared up as I thought about Dear Severus standing on his own on the dark streets of Spinners End.<strong>


	12. A million words would not bring you back

**On a note that is only related by how the music is bleeding into the soundtrack I have created for this story. I highly recommend checking out the songs on the soundtrack for The Hunger Games, because frankly it's amazing save for a song or two.**

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><p><em><strong>Songs for this chapter: I'll Forget you by Peter Bradley Adams and The Ruler And The Killer by Kid Cudi<strong>_

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

I held absolutely still, waiting to see if she would turn back. If she just looked back, then perhaps this was just a fight. This could end right here and everything would be fine. When she did not turn, I could not remain silent, I offered up that feeble threat, not entirely sure if I meant it. When she kept walking without a second thought to it, the rage that flowed through me, told me that I had meant it.

In a fit of my anger, I turned from her apparating away before I could do something else I would regret. This time when I appeared at the gates of Hogwarts they swung open in invitation to me. My stomach turned with an emotion I couldn't quite place that the school recognizing me once more as a professor. I swept through the gates, the flair somewhat lost without my robes in place. It was dark out, probably quite late now, but I made my way up the grounds with one destination in mind.

I barely saw anything as I stormed my way up to the headmistresses office, it was as if I had been transported by magic the trip had gone so quickly. I could not even remember offering a password to the gargoyle at the base of the stairs but I must have to gain entrance right? Instead I found myself at the door to the office pounding rather loudly.

After a pause, the door was pulled open by a Minerva that was clad in a tartan dressing gown, and was not even wearing her glasses. Clearly she had been sleeping, but she pulled herself up to her full height when she saw who stood in her doorway.

"Severus," she said, stepping to the side to allow me entrance. "What brings you at this hour?"

She went to sit behind her desk, but I remained standing just inside the door. It was all I could do not to pace about in my anger.

"Miss Granger will not be attending Hogwarts now or in the future," I said in a stiff voice that unfortunately belayed my lack of calm. "As that was the main stipulation of my employment I wish to be released from my contract."

"Severus it is a week until the start of term, I cannot possibly find a replacement in that time," she replied quite staring at me resolutely. "I cannot recall Horace as he left the country months ago."

"Could you not have a stand in such as Grubbyplank until you find a full time professor?" I snipped.

"Grubbyplank has passed away, the only substitute currently employed at the castle is myself," she said a stiffness climbing into her voice that suggested she was losing her patience with me. "And we both know that I am far to dreadful at potions to teach it to students. Your contract is already signed, and I am sorry but I am going to have to insist that you stick to it."

"Very well," I said dropping forward in a deep bow, falling into an old habit as I raged at the idea of being controlled by yet another person. "I shall see you in a week then. Please save the minutes from the beginning of the year staff meeting as I have things to attend to, and will be unable to attend."

I turned to leave.

"Wait Severus," she called and my back stiffened, but I did not turn to look at her again. "Why isn't Hermione coming to Hogwarts?"

"Miss Granger has no further wish to connect with the magical world," I told her open door. "She found the connection to her magical core to be rather aggravating, and has decided it is best if she goes back to the muggle world on her own."

"What happened my boy?" said a voice I was not prepared to hear again.

I almost turned to look at his portrait in my shock at hearing him address me again, but I remained staring angrily out of the open doorway.

"In an act of supreme stupidity I reconnected her to her magical core forcefully and against her will," I admitted quietly, trying not to feel the guilt that rose up in me. "The result was a rather spectacular fight, and her permanent departure."

"She left?" Dumbledore's quiet voice asked.

"She left," I confirmed, disgusted by the pained sound in my voice, as I allowed myself the briefest look over my shoulder at those sparkling blue eyes.

I swept out of the room, no longer able to stand the emotional climate. Clearly I needed to return to Spinners End and pack my things, but quite frankly at the moment I needed a stiff drink. Or seven.

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><p><strong>MPOV<strong>

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><p>"Minerva you are in for trouble," he told me as he eyes followed the departure of our potions master.<p>

Sometimes it was so easy to forget that he was just a portrait. I often found myself looking for him in the chair beside me before I drew my eyes up to his portrait. Tonight was not different.

"Surely his anger will pass in a week's time," I hedged.

"It won't. Of that I am sure," Albus said quietly. "He's made a terrible error, but you haven't any idea what that girl has just done."

"I think I would have stormed out in anger myself," I sniffed. "Surely he invaded her mind tonight?"

"Yes he did, and for that he deserved the brilliant fight that he mentioned," Albus continued calmly. "But our Hermione has done something that only one witch has ever done to our dear Severus, and I fear he cares for Hermione more than he ever cared for Lily."

"Surely this isn't the same thing," I breathed, starting to worry about the boy who had just left my office.

"He literally wrapped his life around this girl, and she abandoned him in a fit of anger, and he will not be allowed to apologize for his actions. It is quite exactly like Lily my dear," he told me kindly. "But there is more emotion there this time. More vulnerability after all these years."

"Oh Severus," I sighed, rubbing tiredly.

"Do you remember the terror that was Severus when he first began to teach here?" he asked me just as tiredly.

"Yes I do," I sighed.

"This is going to be worse." He said with a sense of finality that made me feel rather cold.

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

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><p>I could not stay in my house again. Just stumbling into it drunkenly in the early morning hours was too much. There was just too much present in the house. I stumbled around the living room, breaking anything I could get my hand on if only to keep myself from actually losing my mind.<p>

"If you love something let it go," I muttered as I tossed another of my potion book into the roaring fire in the grate. "Fuck that."

That was my last conscious thought as I slumped onto the living room floor in a heap, so reminiscent of that girl, and slept fitfully.

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><p>I found myself marginally more put together the next day, though I did not bother to repair the damage done to the living room. I simply pulled the books that might somehow be useful during my forced tenure at the castle, and packed them away in one of my trunks. I held firmly to the numbing shields in my mind, and moved through the mindless task of packing my wardrobe away. I had told Minerva that I would not return until the very last minute, but that did not mean I was going to be able to stay in this house. Even pissed drunk I couldn't manage it.<p>

I shrunk my trunks, slipping them into my pocket as I walked toward the front door. I did not stop to take one last look at the room. I did not allow myself to think about who had recently inhabited these walls. I very nearly did not overcome the urge to set the house on fire. I checked the street to be sure there were no muggles watching and then I apparated to the Leaky Cauldron. It was the only place I could think to spend a week without entirely losing my mind. It helped that I need only walk down the stairs to find a bar.

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><p>The week at the combination hotel and pub was a void in my life. Time didn't seem to exist as I hardened once more into the man everyone thought me to be. There had been a time when I was insulted that everyone thought me to be such a cruel man, but I embraced it now. I would gladly make a first year cry if it gave me a second of relief from the beast threatening to crawl from within my chest.<p>

I receded as far behind the walls I had built so many years ago in my mind in an effort to hide from the clawing pain. The suffocating weight in my lungs was familiar in a way I wished not to think about, so I opted to think about absolutely nothing. I drank myself into a stupor each day, and willfully bit the head off of any person idiotic enough to try and speak to me.

Through drunken and bleary eyes I occasionally noticed anxious glances shot in my direction, and I knew that the inhabitants around me were afraid of me. I had no care for their feelings, but in an effort to make Tom's life a little bit easier I took my drinks in my rooms in my last days at the inn.

Eventually the morning of September First arrived, and it was time for me to make my unwilling return to the bloody castle. I packed away what little I had removed from my trunks, and began to dress for the day. I found I could not bring myself to pull on my frock coat, and cursed myself for the bleeding heart memory I had of it being that last thing she had seen me wear. Instead I dressed in all black from my trousers and jacket to my socks. The only outer coat I could find in my trunk was tweed and I wondered vaguely when I had ever purchased the thing, but I pulled it on. In a moment of nostalgia I pulled on my green scarf, and returned my shrunken trunks to my pocket.

"I'll be departing now," I said stiffly as I approached Tom at the empty bar. "What do I owe you?"

"Ten galleons," he answered quietly, flinching away from me.

I wasn't sure if he was afraid to tell me what I owed him, or if he was simply afraid of me. Frankly I didn't care. I simply pulled the required money from my pocket and slammed it down on the bar. In a moment of weakness as left an extra galleon tip in apology for my rather off putting behavior, and then I swept out of the dingy pub.

The day was still fairly young, but it was time I made my way to the damnable castle. I kept to the shadows alongside the buildings bordering the Leaky Cauldron, and I focused my mind on the second to last place I wanted to be before I turned swiftly to the left. The was a loud crack and I found myself standing once more at the wrought iron gates which were swung open in invitation to the students that would soon be arriving.

I strode stiffly across the grounds, ignoring Hagrid who stood by his hut waving to me with a smile. I kept walking when I had to pass Filius and Pomona who were having a conversation at the base of the steps, enjoying the last bit of freedom before the students arrived. It was somewhat more difficult to ignore them when they blatantly stared at me, likely surprised by my chosen attire, but I swept past them with my head up and my eyes averted. My coldness would turn their eyes away from me soon enough, but I would not make the mistake of appearing out of character again.

As much as it might pain me to do so I would be changing into my traditional teaching attire forthwith, but for now I swept down to the familiar dark dungeons. In the darkness, surrounded by the damp stone of the castle walls that rested below the surface of the lake it was far easier to forget I had ever cared. To forget that there was every any light, or any hope, was far easier when I left the lights out and moved stealthily through the quarters that had already been returned to the state I kept them in during my previous tenure.

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><p>I went up to the beginning of the year feast with the last bit of sentimentality finally burned out of me, and found myself able to easily take my seat alongside the staff without any feeling flowing through my whatsoever. I stared pointedly at the ceiling throughout the sorting ceremony. Eventually the moment came for Minerva's start of term address had to happen. With minimal respect I turned my eyes to my plate so my open contempt for her and what she stood for me at the moment would not be immediately apparent to the staff.<p>

She made the very poor mistake of addressing my addition of the faculty. Stupidly she went so far as to admit her own pleasure at having me present, and turned with an arm gesturing toward me in an open invitation for the students and staff to applaud my welcome. There was a polite smattering of applause, but I sought to make it quite clear that I had no interest in being here, and would not make this an enjoyable experience for anyone.

So with a slow purposeful gesture I drew my left hand up, with my pointer and index finger raised in a classic V. I kept the palm of my hand facing myself, and flashed the back of my hand across the hall for everyone to see. The shocked gasp and my crude gesture rippled across the hall, and I felt a sick sense of pleasure when I heard Hagrid choke on whatever he had been pulling greedily from his goblet. I let my hands drop, the message had been clearly received, and all of the applause had died from the air.

Yes I think the proper environment was now cleanly established.


	13. Nothing half so pleasant as coming home

**Heads up, I'm writing this chapter while pissed drunk and listening to the song on repeat. Buckle your seat belts and enjoy the freakin ride. Haha.**

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><p><em><strong>Song for this chapter: Help I'm Alive by Metric<strong>_

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><p>HPOV<p>

My anger carried me out into the darkness, and through the winding streets until I was no longer in the town that Severus lived in. When all I heard was the sound of my feet hitting the pavement, and all I saw was the moonlight falling down on the tall grasses that grew along the desolate road I now found myself walking on my anger left me. Instead, in the absence of the blind rage of what he had done, I realized that something had fundamentally changed within me.

The shredding fear that ripped constantly at my insides was gone. I could feel my anxiety threaten to rise if I focused on what had happened to me, but it was nothing like what I had been feeling all this time. It was different even than the relief I felt upon waking in the house of Severus Snape. I felt whole. Like a lost piece of me had come home.

I stopped walking and just stared up at the bright crescent moon that was shining down on the open landscape around me. I felt almost as if I was seeing it for the first time. Life was changed by the fight that had just taken place, but more than that, life was different because I was alive again.

"Well damn," I spoke to the empty night. "It was the right thing to do."

_Even if he was a complete arse about it _I whispered within my mind.

I started walking again, I had been simply running away before, but now I had a destination in mind. The answer seemed so simple and straight forward even though it had never been discussed. I was going home to someone who had been a surrogate parent to me years before I had runoff to a life that was something other.

In the sureness that came with the reawakening of my soul, I was left without fear that Molly would turn me away. So I turned away from the lonely road I had been walking, and I went looking for a road that had cars on it the Burrow was far enough away that I was going to need a ride to get there if I wanted to get there any time soom.

The second I was close enough to town to see cars driving once more I stuck my thumb out and hoped that someone would pick me up, and that that someone wouldn't been some sort of murdered or creep. Fortune seemed to be shining on me tonight, and first car that drove past me pulled to a few yards ahead of me. I walked up toward the window that had rolled down to invite speech.

"Where are you headed?" The old man behind the wheel asked when I came flush with his window.

"Devon," I answered, not sure he would have heard of the actual town the Weasleys lived in.

"That's four and a half hours away," he answered bluntly "But I suppose I could make the trip if you swear you aren't an axe murderer."

"Definitely not," I laughed, moving around toward the passenger's side of the car and sliding quickly into the seat. "I just want to get home to see my family. I haven't seen them in four years."

"Well we must let that absence continue," he laughed as he pulled the car back onto the road and began driving once more. "Is there a good story behind that?"

"There is, but it rather painful," I said quietly, not wanting to answer, but not wanting to upset the man that was clearly going to drive far out of his way to take me to where I suddenly desperately needed to be.

He fell quiet after that and simply turned up the radio to break the silence between the two of them. I settled back in the seat and listened to each song pass as we drove steadily closer. I found I was extremely tired, but this sudden peacefulness did not leave me to simply fall asleep in the presence of a man who I did not actually know, no matter how nice he was.

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><p>The ride seemed to take ages, but eventually he did pull into Devon and I made up a story about being a little nervous now that I was here and needing moment to collect myself. I had him drop me off at an all-night diner with a story of needing a cuppa before facing the music. He seemed to believe me, and left me with a handshake and a smile. I wished I could give him money for going out of his way to help me, but I had nothing to my name and nothing to offer him unless he wanted the coat off of my back. That seemed rather unlikely.<p>

So I sat inside the diner watching until he drove away. I noted on the clock hanging on the wall above the service window that it was nearly three in the morning. It was not a polite hour to arrive, but I was going to anyway. Now that I had gotten the idea in my head that I was going to openly seek out an old contact in the wizarding world I couldn't stop. If I did I may never try again.

When I was sure the man had gone from the town , and then I casually exited the diner. I still had a few miles to walk to put me in Ottery St. Catchpole, and a couple more after that to take me to the Burrow. I had a few hours of walking ahead of me, and my gut twisted at the thought that I wouldn't have been up for it is Severus hadn't been feeding me so well.

I pushed that thought and what it could mean from my mind and started putting one foot in front of the other. It was a lot like earlier tonight, with no one around, and only the moon to light the ground before me. The mood was different as I listened to my feet hitting the pavement though. I was no longer angry, a bit of me was excited and a lot of me was terrified, but I was doing this.

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><p>The sun was just starting to break the horizon when the Burrow finally came into view. I didn't have a watch but I guessed it was late five or early six. I made it within twenty feet of the gate before my nerves really started to get to me. My steps slowed until I stood unmoving looking at the house. The house was still with no signs of life other than the chickens that were starting to stir in the yard. A rooster lifted his head and crowed at the morning sun nearly startling me out of my skin.<p>

I jumped, and took a few steps closer, but then I stopped again. Just watching, suddenly unsure if I could bring myself to reach out and push the gate open. Against the quick rush of breath in my chest, and the sound of my heart in my ears I took a few more steps forward putting myself right at the gate that would let me into the yard. I had just sat my hand on the top of the gate, when the front door to the house creaked open.

"You damnable rooster, can you not sleep in one day this summer," came her voice as she made her way out of the house.

I watched as Molly Weasley bustled out in her house coat and with her back to me began scattering feed for the suddenly quite active chickens and that lone crowing rooster. He fell silent to eat at just the wrong time, and I saw Molly's shoulders stiffen at a creaking sound. I glanced down and realized the sound was coming from me. I hadn't even realized that I had begun to push the gate open.

She turned ever so slowly around, and I was aware of her hand going to the pocket of her robe, likely clasping her wand, but I held my ground. Time seemed to slow down as she made the full circuit so she was facing me. I stared at her face, practically awed at seeing it after all this time, so I did not miss when her eyes widened and her mouth fell open.

"Hermione Granger," she ground out in surprise as she took a step forward.

Then her eyes constricted and she stopped moving. She offered her hands up in a gesture to show that they were empty, and gave me a look that was clearly supposed to mean that I was safe. I realized that Harry and Ron must have told her what happened when they surprised me with a visit, and she was trying to avoid that. I wondered vaguely if Harry hadn't bothered to tell her that I hadn't done anything like that the second time her had visited, but I pushed it from my mind.

"Molly," I sighed, taking a hesitant step forward.

For the first time in nearly five years now, I wanted someone to touch me. I wanted desperately for her to fold me up in her arms and make me feel safe and loved. The hesitant step turned into rapid steps, and the distance between us quickly closed. I threw myself at her, and she instantly wrapped me up in her arms, and pulled me tight against her body

I could not help it. As I was surrounded by her warmth, and she was running her hands over my back cooing at me, I cried. I cried great wracking tears, but this time I actually felt release as the tears spilled from me. They were not quite happy tears, but they were healing tears. This was exactly where I needed to be right now.

"Come dear," she said as the tears began to slow. "Let's get your something to eat. You look about to blow away, you're so tiny."

"Severus has done good work trying to fatten me up," I sobbed at her, suddenly feeling my grief for leaving him behind. "He's been quite good to me."

"I believe you," she assured me as she shuffled me under her arm and lead me into her home. "Harry told me that you were well looked after, and that was all that kept me from coming to collect you myself."

She set me at the kitchen table, and I scrubbed at my eyes attempting to stem the flow of the tears while she whipped up eggs and bacon. There was a stirring up the stairs, likely from the sound of Molly banging around in the kitchen, and soon I heard footsteps on the stairs.

"Woman, surely breakfast can wait until a more decent hour. Come back to bed," Arthur's voice sounded from within the stair well.

Just a few weeks ago I would have stiffened at the sound, and cowered away when he rounded the corner of the stair well and entered the kitchen, but not today. Today I held my ground as he entered the room, and I didn't even flinch when he came within a few feet of me before his bleary sleep filled eyes saw me.

He looked a sight, frozen and staring at me in his nightshirt without even socks on. He reached up and rubbed his eyes, before looking at me again. The second glance seemed to confirm that I was actually there, and a smile split his features.

"Well if I had realized we had company I would have ventured to wear something a bit more appropriate," he chuckled, and in a fashion much like his oblivious son he swept forward and pulled me into a hug without gauging my reaction.

I heard Molly gasp, and prepare to lay into him, but I remained calm. His embrace, while starling, only made me think of his care. This man was a second father to me, and I knew he would not hurt me. I hugged him back, and I could practically hear Molly relax at the stove.

"It's nice to see you too Arthur," I smiled when he released me. "I'm sorry it's taken me so long to come."

"What does bring you dear," Molly asked as she set a heaping plate of breakfast before me. "We were under the impression you weren't quite up for any visitation."

"I wasn't," I admitted ruefully. "But Severus and I had a bit of a flaming row, and I find myself homeless again."

"That wanker kicked you out?" she growled. "I'll have his head."

"He didn't kick me out," I told my eggs, suddenly too embarrassed to meet her eyes. "I got so mad at him that I ran out on him. He made it clear though, if I left like that I wouldn't be welcome back. So when I found myself homeless I had to think about where to go if I didn't want to sleep on the streets again. I thought of you."

"Surely you didn't walk here from Spinners End," Arthur said when his wife seemed unable to speak and was staring resolutely away from me with mist filling her eyes.

"No, I got a ride on the outskirts of Manchester, and he dropped me in Devon." I explained. "So I only actually walked from there. Not too bad at all really."

I began to tuck in to my food while they shared some sort of silent conversation between the two of them. I had nearly finished with it all before the communication between their eyes came to an end. Molly scooped up my plate, and took it to the sink while Arthur poured me a glass of milk.

"Well obviously you will stay here," he said as he handed it to me. "We can't have you homeless, and we would love to have you."

"You can have Ginny's old room," Molly said as she joined us at the table. "And I think we can find some of her old clothes to fit you. Would you like to have a lie-in now? You look completely knackered."

"That would be nice," I nodded with a smile.

"Well you go wait in the living room while Arthur and I get the room set up," she shooed me gently from the room as soon as I had finished drinking my milk.

I hurried to follow her instructions as she and Arthur went upstairs. It had been so long since I had been in their home that the living room felt rather foreign to me. I found myself anxious about sitting so I took to pacing before a book on the coffee table grabbed my attention and I squatted down by the table to take a closer look. _The End of the Dark Wars_ was emblazoned on the cover and there was a picture of a rather broken looking Hogwarts just below it.

I ran my fingers over the slightly indented words on the cover. It had been awhile since I had even touched a book, let alone a book that had anything remotely to do with magic. Even longer since I had wanted to read a book that had to do with the world of magic. But this book, this book I wanted very badly to read. I wanted to read it so badly that every bit of tiredness was driven from my body, and even though I knew Molly and Arthur were upstairs setting up a bed for me I sat back on my heels and pulled the cover up and away from the crisp pages. I took a moment to enjoy that perfect smell, and then I began to read, disregarding the introduction, and jumping right into the explanation of how the war ended.

_For years Severus Snape served as a double agent for the Order of the Phoenix and against He Who Must Not Be Named and his Death Eaters. It is said that he was a willing spy for many years, and spanning both wars, though it has never been fully explained why he turned away from the dark arts and began serving the Order. Perhaps whatever it was that drove him to switch sides, is also what drove him to reach his level of tolerance for the actions being taken in the war._

_It is unlikely that we shall ever know his reasoning, but in the summer of 1996 something changed for him, and his resulting actions changed the course of history. He stopped being a spy, and stopped supporting or working with Albus Dumbledore. One might think his choice to stop working with the former leader of the Order would mean he had turned back to the dark arts, but in fact he seemed to hang his hat of allegiance as it were on one Minerva McGonagall. _

_Snape gave Minerva all of his knowledge about how to end the war, explaining briefly the issue with He Who Must Not Be Named having made horcruxes. Though by 1996 Severus had destroyed all of the seven but one, his killing of and subsequent unnoticed replacement of He Who Must Not Be Named's pet snack being the most astonishing of his accomplishments. He gave McGonagall the information that the last horcrux that would have to be destroyed was in fact The Boy Who Lived, one Harry Potter. Then Severus Snape left the wizarding world, and as of yet has not returned._

I wondered vaguely when this had been printed, as clearly Severus has returned to the wizarding world, but I pushed the thought from my mind and continued reading.

_Roughly a week after the rather hasty departure of her colleague, McGonagall decided a meeting between herself, Harry Potter, and the then Headmaster was in order, and she set out at once to collect the boy. She returned with him to the castle where they went immediately to see Dumbledore._

_Again the course of history was changed, when the madness from a curse Snape had mentioned to McGonagall was revealed in all of its heinous glory. So enraged was the curse addled headmaster by the revelation that his spy had deserted him and revealed the deepest secrets of the war, he turned his wand on the poor boy in question and cast the killing curse without so much as a discussion. It is likely a killing curse would have inevitably been used on the boy in an effort to rid him of the dark wizard's soul fragment, but Dumbledore made an egregious error, killing the poor boy in anger, he fractured his own soul. And he found as he stood before the woman he loved with one of his most precious pupils dead on the floor between them, that he was in danger of losing the pieces of his soul while being slowly killed by the curse that had so addled his mind._

_McGonagall shared with the world that his final words to her had been 'Minerva, if you ever loved me, you will kill me before the pieces of my fractured soul have a chance to leave my body.' She did indeed love him, as much as he loved her. And though her eyes were full of tears, and her wand arm shook, she turned her wand on Albus Dumbledore, and with love in her heart she snuffed out his life, and retained the integrity of her own soul._

_The death of Albus Dumbledore meant that McGonagall took over both as headmistress and as the leader of the order. As the chief in command she had to make a quick decision about how to deal with what was likely to be the last battle of the war. A decision that was made that much easier when the body of Harry Potter began to move. It was discovered that his own soul was able to survive when the soul of another was stripped away. McGonagall immediately sent the boy into hiding, and set to work on a quickly thrown together plan._

_She transfigured a quill into what appeared to be the dead body of Harry Potter, and took that along with the body of Albus Dumbledore down to the school gates. Then she sent a message with her patronus to the darkest wizard in all of Brittan claiming that she wished to join him. Her missive stated that she assumed he would not believe her claim of loyalty and to demonstrate the truth of her declaration she had killed Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter in his honor. She offered him the castle as his new base of operations should he choose to allow her entrance into his ranks._

_When she received a reply saying he would bring his forces to overtake the school, sparing her only if the bodies were waiting for him upon arrival, she immediately set to work on the next phase of her quickly thought up plan. From her pocket she pulled a coin that had a protean charm placed on it, and she sent a message to every member of the Order that an attack was about to happen on the castle and that they must come immediately. Apparently this method of communication was developed by the young Hermione Granger who was murdered just a week before the final battle._

Again I had to stop reading. It was a short sentence of brief explanation, but seeing in print that I was apparently dead was still staggering. This book needed to be reprinted with accurate information.

_The Order responded immediately, and soon all different sorts of wards were going up around the castle. While Minerva did not entirely explain the plan, she did explain that the wards should be kept a good 100 yards in from the school gates, and that a small contingency of the advanced guard should stay hidden in the trees, so they could follow in behind the death eaters and erect wards behind them trapping the forces on the grounds of Hogwarts for the battle. The bodies at the gates would not be discovered by anyone in the order until the battle had begun, and the story would not be fully explained for some time longer as McGonagall was gravely injured in battle and could not explain until she had been healed._

_McGonagall met He Who Must Not Be Named alone, though the others were hidden nearby, and she engaged him in a deadly duel. It is said by those who witnessed it to be one of the most striking shows of magical skill since the battle of Dumbledore and Grindewald. McGonagall fought valiantly utilizing her incredible transfiguration skills and everything the castle grounds offered her, but eventually she did fall victim to the incredible power possessed by the leader of the dark forces._

_When she fell under one of his curses, the tide of the battle changed, and both sides engaged in full force. A battle that is beyond definition, though many have tried, took place on those school grounds and each side took losses. Many were left injured and dead when the dust settled. And it was dust that settled as the castle had taken great damage from the fierce battle as well._

_The onset of the battle, and the battle itself were a surprise, but nothing was more surprising than the final denouement. It had been expected that Dumbledore would eventually be the wizard to kill He Who Must Not Be Named, and there were some in the order who thought it would be Harry Potter to deliver the final blow. But when push came to shove on that summer day, the wizard who advanced on a staggering dark wizard already wounded by a slicing curse cast by his assailant was Ronald Weasley. Witnesses say it was with a desperate and devastated air that the red headed youth stalked forward with his wand on his foe. He cast the killing curse quickly dropping the wizard who no longer had the protection of his many horcruxes. Most shocking was when he leaned over the body of the dead villain and said in a voice that seemed to carry throughout the grounds to everyone who had stopped fighting, 'I would have married her you know. I could have made her happy if it hadn't been for you.'_

_The Boy Who Triumphed was released from some of her terrible grief when he discovered that his closest friend Harry Potter was not actually dead, but the grief for the woman he had spoken of in those heated moments will likely never go away._

I could read no more. I felt a terrible twisting feeling in my gut, and silently prayed he hadn't been talking about me. I was so proud of Ron for stepping up in a way that no one had ever predicted him capable of, but I couldn't think about loving anyone, and that included him. I flipped back to the front of the book, and saw that it had been printed in early 1997. I hoped any feelings it alluded to from him had long passed.

I closed my eyes and pulled up the mental picture I had of him when he had arrive at Spinners End to see me, and in the memory I could clearly see the laugh lines around his eyes. Surely he had moved on if he had something to laugh about right? He was probably off chasing skirts and enjoying the fame ending a wizarding war would obviously afford him. Or maybe I was just trying to comfort myself.

"Now there is a familiar sight," Molly said, her voice shocking me out of my reverie and making me jump. "Our Hermione with a book. Takes me back in time it does."

"Have you read this?" I asked her quietly, as I turned to see her and Arthur standing in the door to the living room.

"I have," she nodded. "It'd not the best writing that has been done about what happened, but it was the first thing published about what our little Ron did, so it's rather special to us."

"What he said…" I started, but then I seemed unable to make the question pass my lips.

"He was talking about you," Molly answered earnestly, clearly able to read my face. "But I must tell you things have changed quite a bit since that summer. Ronald is married now. I hope you won't be too upset, but it has been almost five years now and everyone believed you were dead."

"You don't have to justify anything," I assured her quickly. "I'm rather relieved to hear he is married as I simply cannot return those feelings. I can't imagine ever being with any man, not like that."

Molly said nothing, but her face spoke volumes about how terrible she found my declaration to be. I could see that she wanted to pull me into her arms again, but didn't want to force anything on me. I was glad for that as my reading left me in the need to be far from people and I wasn't sure I could handle any sort of physical contact right now.

"I think maybe I should sleep," I said after a long silence. "Thank you for letting me stay with you."

"Always Hermione," she said, and I wondered why I was suddenly okay with being called that again. "You're just another of my children, this house is always open for you."

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><p><strong>So I gave it a bit of a look through, just to see it wasn't completely asinine considering the state a wrote it in. I'm surprised the spelling wasn't worse, and that apparently while drunk I think Devon is a town... but other than that I am happy with it. And though I hadn't planned to address it at all, I am moderately satisfied with the explanation my drunken self came up with for how the war played out.<strong>


	14. There is always pain underneath

_**Songs for this chapter: I Don't Care by Apocalyptica and Moster by Skillet**_

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

There were whispers in the halls that the man who resided in the dungeons of the castle was not truly a man at all. It certainly couldn't be the man who had single handed over the details of victory to side of light in the great wizarding war. No the man that was teaching the students of Hogwarts was far too evil to be the Severus Snape.

"My cousin went to Hogwarts before the war," first year Susan Abbot whispered to her table partner as they awaited to arrival of their potions professor, seemingly unaware that I had already entered the room. "She said he was a git, but that he couldn't be nearly as bad as I was describing. You don't think he's been possessed do you?"

"I assure you," I drawled slowly as I strode to stand in front of their table, relishing the terrified chill that fell over the room the two girls before me in particular. "The only thing that possesses me is a great annoyance at the level of your stupidity. Five points from Ravenclaw for your disrespect."

"But sir," a Ravenclaw boy piped up, his face draining of color the instant I rounded on him.

"And another five for Mr. Irving's inability to follow the rules of the classroom," I whispered in a deathly quiet voice, bringing my face within an inch of his. "You will not speak unless you are spoken to."

The boy nodded his head rapidly, but it did not stop me from cuffing him roughly behind the head before I made my way to the front of the classroom and began the lecture. I was aware of my voice issuing out of my mouth, but I could not have told you what I spoke of. Much like all of the lessons I had taught since my return to the school, the students before me scratched away with their quills taking every word I said to heart while I was unable to hear my own words. Instead I listened to the steady roar in my ears that only changed in volume or pitch with the rise and fall of my anger, never fully going away.

I dismissed the class, and sat at my desk wondering if my mind was warping. Perhaps the sound I heard was the collapse of the years of framework built up within my mind. Or perhaps the sound was issue from the monster that had been born inside me. Its body lay over my heart, creating a heavy weight in my chest, but its extremities seemed to stretch throughout my body like tendrils of fire that kept me constantly burning. Only when I was releasing my vitriol on the idiotic students of this school did I feel momentary relief from the terrible burning. But never from that roaring. No that sound could even be heard when I slept, it was the one thing that seemed determined never to leave me.

The roaring had not been immediately present upon my return to the castle. It appeared a day just over two weeks into term when I stood in the hall berating a young Gryffindor girl for her overly precocious essay that wandered off the assigned topic in what I assumed was an effort to prove herself. One second I was staring down at her quaking form attempting to reign in the urge to absolutely obliterate the girl when I felt an all too familiar tingling in my chest. Then my vision was filled with the sight of a grass yard littered with chickens, party tables, and rather familiar wizard folk.

When my vision returned to the present I found I hated the girl before me even more because she reminded me of a woman I refused to acknowledge the continued existence of. I sent her away before I did something awful to her, and then I turned my wand on myself and severed the link that tied me to that bloody witch. It was bad enough that the wench was demonstrating that it wasn't magic she had a problem with, just me, she didn't need to rub my face in it. The roaring had started the second I had cast the incantation to sunder myself.

It increased to a higher pitch the next morning when I glanced at the Prophet while eating breakfast in the great hall. The front page was splattered with the headline of a living Hermione Granger. I noted that they had been unable to attain a recent photo of her, and had been forced to use an image that had been forced to use an image that had been captured at the Yule ball so many years ago. I read only far enough to discover that it had been Harry Potter who had finally let slip that she was alive and well, and then I set the paper on fire.

"Severus," Minerva chided as she put the flame out and turned her bespectacled gaze on me with a frown. "I realize that you are upset, but you must start behaving more rationally."

"Perhaps if you do not like my behavior you should fire me," I said pointedly before sweeping away from the table.

Through the roaring in my ears I had noted that the combination of her words, and the way she now wore glasses she was even more like the former headmaster. A different Severus Snape would have been unnerved by this, but I was only further enraged.

As time had gone on I had grown more accustomed to the roaring sound, and had learned to work around it. I found myself now able to carry on perfectly understood conversations around it as well as grading any coursework that sat on my desk. The only thing that I could not hear through the roar was my own teaching, and though I tried not to analyze it, I imagined it had to do with whom teaching now reminded me of.

Pulling myself out of my mental wanderings into the past I stood from my desk, and made my way up to the great hall. I had very little interest in attending dinner with anyone here at this blasted castle, but I had even less interested in a renewed conversation with Minerva about the duties of my contract. Two months had gone by and no amount of bad behavior had convinced her to give me the axe. She knew I had no intention of changing, but she kept initiating conversations about what was expected of me. It was a useless unending circle of idiocy.

As I stormed up onto the main floor I discovered two seventh year Hufflepuff students locked in a passionate embrace snogging one another and my temper flared. I blasted them a good ten feet apart from one another with my wand before I spoke.

"Detention the both of you, and a total of forty points from Hufflepuff for your unbecoming behavior," I snapped, choosing to ignore them patting furiously at their smoking robes.

What did it matter if my spell had been too forceful? Perhaps that would be the straw that broke the camel's back with _dear_ Minerva. I pushed all thought from my mind and proceeded into the great hall for yet another bloody meal with my forced companions.

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><p>By the beginning of November my stance as a practically insane professor who allowed no room for any behavior other than absolute obedience had been well established. While this was effective in assuring that I did not have to deal with office visits or distinctly unwanted student counseling, it also left me without an outlet for the rage I was feeling. Students knew better than to misbehave around me, and did nothing to elicit a reaction from me in lessons.<p>

News of my frequent walks in the corridors to catch rule violators had spread quickly as well, and it was suddenly impossible to find rule breakers scattered about the castle. If I could think beyond the roaring in my ears, I might wonder if there was magic involved in keeping them from my sights. I certainly noticed an abnormal presence of other professors as the days went on; perhaps they were the ones dealing with the students. I hated them further for snatching my release away from me.

I found each night that I went without someone to yell at lead to a morning that I woke in a blinding rage. I had stopped dreaming altogether at the onset of the roaring, and without a release even in sleep I was rather certain that my mind was beginning to unravel. Soon I may cease to be human altogether, perhaps morphing into the contorted and scaly demon I felt like.

In an effort to temper that rage I woke in, I began taking tea in my quarters and perusing the mindless dribble that was the Daily Prophet before going up for breakfast each morning. It often allowed me to clear my head enough to not go into an absolute fit and lash out inhumanely when another professor was unwise enough to try and converse with me.

I poured my tea and took a seat near the cheerily crackling fire in my sitting room reaching for the paper. I nearly dropped the tea ground when I took in the front cover. I gingerly set the cup down while I openly stared at the obviously quite recent photo of Hermione Granger who was lodged tightly between Molly and Arthur Weasley on the promenade of Diagon Alley. Her stance was clearly fearful and overwhelmed, but her face was determined. I could just make out the scar on her cheek as she momentarily turned away from the camera. It was healing nicely.

I snapped my eyes away from her at that thought, and reach the headline. _Hermione Granger Returns To The Wizarding World At Last_. So the Weasleys had managed to bring her to sense when I had not, well goody for them. I could feel my anger roiling in my stomach, and against my better judgment I turned my eyes back to the photograph. Her movements had grown steadier that they had been during the summer. Though she still seemed to have some fear, she was clearly much more confident in her safety. Without my permission my fingers reached out to trace over the lines of her face when she flashed a brief smile.

The roaring in my ears soared to a new peak and my stomach twisted painfully when I imagined tracing her lips in real life. That spiked my anger back to life, and I roughly threw the bloody paper into the fire. The thought of having tea was thrust from my mind, and I stormed from my chambers to go get a bit of the breakfast I had no interest in eating.

The halls were frustratingly anger as I stormed the castle, and the hall relatively quite as I passed the house tables on my way to join the staff. For the first time in months I made an effort to real myself in, and erect my mental shields when I saw the soft look Minerva was giving me as I mounted the raised platform the table sat on. To my chagrin the only seat left open was beside her.

I took it rather unwillingly and focused on the task of putting marmalade on toast so I would not think about the girl I refused to keep caring about, or the woman who was so obviously staring at me from just a few feet away.

"I rather expected you to be in a better mood after reading the morning paper today Severus," she said finally when I continued eating without acknowledging her stare.

"Why would that trash have put me in a good mood?" I snapped at her, throwing the last of my toast down on my plate and turning to glare at her.

"Well surely you read the article." She said, hesitance climbing into her voice.

"I read so far as the title and looking at the stupid picture," I drawled at her turning my eyes back to the toast that I didn't want to eat. "Why would I bother to look through the article that would tout all the good the Weasleys had done for her, and how their loving efforts brought her back to her rightful place."

"But that isn't what it says at all Severus," she said quietly.

"I don't care what is says," I growled, barely managing not to yell. "Just as I don't care that I spent five years of my life trying to piece the chit together to no avail but the bloody Weasleys managed it in less than three months. I don't care about any of it."

"Severus you need to read the article, it does not give any credit to the Weasleys," Minerva said in a sad voice. "They interviewed Hermione and everything she says is rather complementary and gives all the credit to you."

"Like I said previously I do not care," I snipped, fisting the table cloth in my hand in an effort to control myself.

"She said that without you not only would she be unable to return to magic, she would not be alive," Minerva pushed, clearly wanting me to read to bloody article. "She said—"

"I don't care what she said!" I shouted as I interrupted her, far too aware of all the eyes in the hall turning to face us. "I don't give a damn about that girl or what she chooses to do with her life. She is no concern of mine and I am not one of hers. Let sleeping dogs lie you insolent witch."

"Severus Snape you will not speak to me with such disrespect," she admonished as I rose from my seat.

I should have apologized, with the eyes of the school upon us, but I could not bring myself to do it. Instead I leaned over her, encroaching on her personal space and rather enjoying how she flinched just slightly away from me.

"Perhaps my efforts this year have not been very clear to you," I whispered in a deadly calm voice that still seemed to be a yell in the silence that had fallen over the hall. "I wish nothing more than for you to fire me, and release me from the hell that is Hogwarts. If speaking to you with disrespect is the only way to manage it then so be it you meddling fool."

I stormed away while she remained staring at me in shock. The eyes of the students followed me, but I paid them no mind. My own mind was reeling with the implications of what she had said to the reporters. What did any of that mean? I tried to stamp out the questions that rose up within me. I was so focused on my thoughts that at first I did not register the student that came barreling into the hall, clearly late for breakfast an in a hurry. I noted her red and gold tie just before she slammed into my person.

The roaring in my ears was so loud I couldn't hear anything in the hall even though I knew I was shouting, and I could see that she was crying. I grabbed a fistful of the shoulder of her robes and pulled her out to an arm's length away from me. My rage flared to new heights when I saw it was the bloody witch who looked and acted like one Hermione Granger, and I could not stop myself from throwing her away from me. She stumbled and fell onto the ground but I did not care.

"One month's detention for assaulting the person of a teacher," I roared at her, still unable to hear my voice issuing from my body. "You shall meet with Filch each night to clean the lavatories, without magic."

She nodded but did not speak.

"Stop your crying this instant or I will take points as well," I shouted, still unhearing.

My pulse was thundering and I felt nearly faint with the pressure of it in my temples. The beast within my chest had roared to life, and it felt as if my entire body was burning as I stared at the girl on the ground crying. She was fortunate enough to have no scar on her face like her look alike or I would have lost my grip on the last thread of sanity I was holding on too.

Before I could do anything I might later come to regret I swept out of the hall. I would be posting a notice that my classes were cancelled for the day, because there was only one place I could stand to be at this moment and it was not in front of a bunch of dunderheaded students. It was with a glass of Ogden's in a very dark room with no other soul to see me.


	15. Build the foundation of a peaceful world

_**Songs for this chapter: Under the Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers and First Time by Lifehouse**_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

Falling to sleep that first time at the Burrow was easier than I expected it to be. I resisted the only vague urge to shuffle a bit of furniture in front of the door, and only minutes after sinking beneath the covers I drifted off to sleep. I wasn't entirely surprised to be shaken awake to the sound of my own whimpers, but I quickly gathered myself. I assured Molly that I was getting much better about the nightmare thing, and that I was okay with her casting a silencing spell on the room so that I would not disturb her. I also wasn't surprised when she brushed me off and ushered me down to the kitchen for yet another heavy meal.

The three of us fell into an easy routine and when I stopped to ponder it I found it was likely due to my great need for parenting after having my own parents stripped away from me violently. Coupling that with a clear bit of empty nest syndrome in the Weasley elders lead to an easy pairing of the three of us. We completed a need in the other.

Having my need completed surprisingly lead to a decrease in my nightmares. Or perhaps it was the warm milk that Molly brought to me each night before retiring, I couldn't be sure. What I did wonder about occasionally is why the dreams hadn't decreased so quickly in the presence of Severus. I had gone through and thrown out a lot of different theories, but when I sat with my warm milk in the dimly lit room that used to belong to Ginny as night fell I found I was rather sure of what the difference was. Severus had made me feel safe, and cared about for that matter, but it wasn't in the way that a parent would.

I certainly couldn't say it out loud, and I only allowed myself to think about it when I was alone in the darkness after climbing into bed for the night. But I was rather certain that the care he gave to me was the care that someone gave to someone they loved. I wouldn't go so far as to say that Severus loved me, but I began to realize that I interpreted his actions that way because that was how I wanted to see them. My theories would never leave my little cocoon in the blankets because I was deeply shamed to discover that I had developed feelings for the man. I hadn't thought I could ever care for anyone ever again, and yet now I suddenly did, and it was the worst possible person I could pick to have feelings for.

"You seem down this morning," Molly said as she put a cup of coffee in front of me while eyeing me pushing my hash browns around me plate. "Did you have another nightmare?"

"No, I've just got a lot on my mind." I told her, putting my arms around the comforting warmth of the cup. "I've been thinking I should make contact with the familiar lawyer. So I can gain access to my personal account again."

It was a lie, that wasn't what was really wearing on my mind, but it was something I had been thinking about.

"We can take care of you." Arthur said quietly from behind the morning paper. "If you aren't ready, or you can't think of a way to explain your absence without revealing magic."

"I won't actually have to reveal anything much if I make the contact through the family lawyer. He's quite good at his job," I said quietly. "And I'm going to need a lot of things I'll be needing, I would feel like a nuisance if you were to try to pay for all of that."

"Surely we could better afford it than you," Molly said delicately. "You were just a baby when you disappeared. Your personal account can't be of much help."

"I would request that this information not leave the people at this table, as it is my most closely guarded secret," I said pointedly, waiting for their nods of agreement before I continued. "My personal account is rather bloated due to my trust fund which activated on my twentieth birthday."

There was silence for a long time. I knew that the Weasley family no longer struggled with money because of how the war had ended, but it seemed to still be a bit of a shock to discover that I came from money. I shouldn't have felt surprised, as I did not behave in a way that suggested I came from old money. I had seen enough of the likes of Draco Malfoy in my youth, and had no interest in acting like them.

"I've not told anyone, and my father's choice to go into dentistry rather than working in the family business made it easier to explain away my last name as a mere coincidence," I said quietly. "And of course the name Granger carries fare less weight in the wizarding world so that made it even easier."

"So the Grangers are old money?" Arthur said softly.

"Yes my great great great grandfather was a steel magnate, and his business has been passed through the family since he passed," I explained. "My father was supposed to take over the business, but he opted to let a cousin step into the role so he could pursue his passion of dentistry. My grandfather was… disappointed, but he has still made sure the family was well looked after."

"Why didn't they send someone looking for you then, surely they had the resources," Molly asked.

"Oh I am certain they did," I said calmly. "And they would have hired a private investigator who would have reported back to them that there were signs that I had also been attacked when my parents were killed. He would have noted that I abandoned the family car at a hospital where I used a false name to gain treatment. If I were to call the hospital now I am sure I would find that the medical bills of a patient simply known as Jean had been paid in full, though I never sent any money to the hospital. They know I am alive, and I suspect they are waiting for me to make contact."

"What will you tell them?" Arthur asked when his wife seemed unable to speak.

"A partial truth," I sighed before taking a drink of my coffee. "That I was afraid. I've been living in France, and trying to piece my life back together before going public with knowledge that I am in fact alive."

"I guess you've got it all figured out," Molly said finally sitting down at the table. "How will you go about contacting them?"

"I think I will walk into the town today and place a call," I told her calmly. "It's best to sort it soon, because I'm going to be needing things from Diagon Alley soon."

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><p>The conversation with my lawyer had gone nearly exactly how I had expected it too, though he had expected me to make a personal appearance in his office before he would turn over control of my bank account to me. I was not concerned by the request as he clearly wanted to visually confirm that I was who I said I was.<p>

When I explained that to Molly she had been insistent that I not go alone. After a bit of badgering I agreed to have Harry accompany me into muggle London for the meeting. The first of the trip was straight forward. We walked together into the town, and took a cab into London. Harry waited outside while I went into the office and proved that I was in fact Hermione Granger to the old man who had been working for my family for half a century.

It had all gone wonky while I had been inside. Apparently we weren't very far away from the Leaky Cauldron, and Harry Potter standing outside a building loitering drew attention. He found himself being hounded by press, who thankfully hadn't been gathered long enough to produce a camera. I had pushed open the door to join him and find a cab, and he had rather gruffly shoved me back into the building telling me to wait for him while he snapped the door closed once more.

There was an uproar from the press, forcing him to explain that yes that was Hermione Granger, no she was not dead, no she was not ready to speak to the press, yes she was safe. He ran through a quick list of their questions before he told them he would not speak about it any further. Then he bustled into the building, looked around to see that the receptionist had gone to get coffee, and then without asking he had pulled me tight against his body and apparated us to the Burrow.

I had only just managed not to go into some sort of fit over it and use accidental magic. I had however stumbled away from him hyperventilating and struggling to make a straight line as I hurried toward the house. Harry had apologized profusely, and I had eventually forgiven him. After he promised never to surprise me like that again of course.

It had run in the paper the next day, and Molly had a rather spectacular row with Harry through the floo over sharing anything with the press. It had gone on for a while, but when Harry pointed out for the third time that he hadn't given away where I was living or any future plans to venture out into public she had finally let him go without any more ado. Other than eavesdropping on their conversation I spent a majority of my time in Ginny's old room. I was overwhelmed by the sudden fascination thrown in my direction.

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><p>The Weasleys had been respectful of my trepidation about people while I had been staying with them. Eventually Molly seemed to think enough was enough. At least that was the best explanation I could come up with for the decision to throw me a surprise birthday party, to which she invited the entire Weasley clan which now included Harry and Lavender by marriage. Just people might have been okay. I would have been surprised, but I could have held myself together easy enough.<p>

But George, Fred, Bill, and Charlie all apparating in at the same time was just too much. I had been standing in the garden, attempting to look warm and inviting for Harry, Ginny, Ron, and Lavender, but then the air had been filled with the cracking sound of apparition. My breath caught in my chest as the air was disturbed by the appearance of four bodies.

I stumbled back, trying desperately to draw air into my lungs as the yard began to shake around us. The loss of control of my magic only lasted a second, and then I was able to draw in the control without much prompting. Gaining control of my breathing was another matter entirely. Molly rushed me into the kitchen while keeping everyone at a distance as she shushed me and pushed me down into a chair. As my spine hit the back of the chair I felt a twisting pain in my stomach, and was struck by an unexplained sense of loss.

"I can send them all away," she assured me her eyes filled with concern. "A surprise party was a stupid idea."

"No it's okay," I panted, staring at the table while I tried to calm myself. "I can handle the people. Just the magic threw me. It was a lot at once, with all four of them doing it at the same time. I just need a minute."

It had had taken me a few minutes to pull myself together but eventually I was able to follow Molly back out into the garden and go about all of the reunions and stilted hugs. It was awkward as well as difficult at first, but eventually we all loosened up and I even started to have some fun with my old friends. I shared a hug with both Harry and Ron, and congratulated them on their marriages. I had never been close to Lavender at school, and I honestly hadn't liked her much, but she and Ron seemed happy together. There wasn't even a pinch on her face when she looked at me, so at worst she knew I wasn't a threat because of the way I looked, and at best she knew that her husband loved her and only her.

Fred and George were still rather rambunctious but they made an effort to include me in their humor without overwhelming me for which I was grateful. I was also grateful that they chose not to use any of their magical joke products because I was already on edge, and afraid that those would send me over.

As a whole the lot of us spent the entire evening out in the garden enjoying a good meal, and a delicious birthday cake. None of them had been able to decide what to get me as a birthday present so they had come empty handed but with plenty of happiness to share with me. It was more than I could have asked for, as gifts would have been too much for me to handle. The realization of how selfless Severus had been with me, left me feeling rather disingenuous and unworthy. Maybe he had wanted some sort of absolution, and maybe that was his motivation for helping me, but he had still done it all without actually asking anything of me. I regretted storming out of his house, but it was too late to change it.

Eventually I abandoned my inner musings and said my goodbyes to everyone who had come to my birthday party. Then I held myself stiffly, wrapped up in Molly's tight embrace as one by one each of the guests apparated away. It took time, making them all go individually, but they kept the pace slow enough that I was able to keep breathing and no more accidental magic took place. When it was just Molly, Arthur, and me standing in the dark garden I turned to look at the pair of them.

"I'm not quite ready yet, but I think I want to try and come all the way back," I said quietly. "Get a wand and everything."

Neither of them seemed to know what to say. Molly seemed exuberantly happy and Arthur just looked sad. Hopefully sad that something like that needed to be sad. I would hate to think he was saddened by the thought of me returning.

"For now, baby steps." I said when they remained quiet. "If you could try to use more magic around me that would be good, and Molly if you would be willing to go into Diagon Alley for a potion I need I would greatly appreciate it."

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><p>It was slow going, trying to make myself comfortable around magic. And the first time Arthur surprised me by apparating into the kitchen without giving me any sort of warning that he was going to do it I had dropped my glass of milk onto the floor and burst into tears. At first I had been distraught, but Arthur had cheered me up with the calm reminder that I hadn't used any magic and Molly added lightly that she had never liked that glass anyway.<p>

As October wore on I got better about it, and they stopped giving me warning whatsoever. It left to a few bouts of tears, and the occasional angry outburst, but I did not use accidental magic again. I thought about it for a while, and quite frankly tried to put it off for a while but I eventually had to admit that it was time for me to try and do what Severus had told me to. But I was going to do it my own way.

"Molly," I said drawing her attention away from the laundry we were folding. "Would you be willing to do a bit of home schooling?"

"It might take a combined effort, there are some things that Arthur just does better than me," she said, watching me while I folded a towel neatly. "What are you interested in learning?"

"I want to try and cover all of the subjects I had been taking at school," I said as I picked up another towel. "I'd like to try and sit the NEWTS in June if Professor McGonagall will allow it of course."

"That's a lot of material to cover between now and then," she said delicately before she started pairing up socks.

"I think I could probably do it," I said calmly. "But if by June we didn't feel that I was ready, I simply wouldn't sit for the exams this year."

She nodded her head, with her lips slightly pursed in a way that said she was considering what I was saying.

"If when the time came I wasn't ready to sit the NEWTS, I might be inclined to reconsider the previous offer that had been made for me to return to Hogwarts," I told her quietly. "Assuming they would still have me."

"Oh I am certain Minerva would still have you," Molly said quickly levitating the paired socks into the empty basket while she set to folding her shirts.

"I'm sure you're right. I can't see her turning me away," I answered evenly, hoping she didn't hear an inflection on the pronoun.

"Well, I should go up to the attic and pull out all those old books from sixth and seventh year," Molly chuckled as she quickly moved all of the folded laundry into the basket.

"I think there is something else we're going to need before we get too far into studying up," I said, standing up and nervously picking at my gray hand me down sweater. "And this isn't really something I can ask you to pick up or me."

"You're ready to get one?" she asked, nearly dropping the basket in her excitement as she turned back to look at me.

"I think it's time," I nodded finally raising my head up to meet her eyes again. "I'd like to go before I lose my nerve if you aren't too busy."

"Oooh, just let me go get Arthur," she chirped before she bustled out of the room excitedly.

I was left standing in the living room trying to hold on to the resolve that had led me to this point. The idea of starting to practice magic again was scary, but what had my nerves on edge right now was the idea of walking in to Diagon Alley. I would see people, and they would see me. Some of them would be people I knew, and some would be people that I didn't and that was scary. What if I met someone aggressive, some left over dark wizard from the war? It was a terrifying idea, and I don't think it would ever stop being a possibility so long as magic existed.

I took a deep steadying breath and I reminded myself that the world was not as dangerous as I often imagined it to be. I gathered my courage not only for this little shopping trip, but for the travel I knew was about to happen. By the time Arthur and Molly joined me in the living room I was almost completely normal. I took a firm hold on Molly's hand and gave her a nod that told her I was ready to go.

She turned quickly to the side, and she pulled me along with her into the tight space that compressed my very lungs as we were drug from the living room at the Burrow to the space between the rear of the Leaky Cauldron and the brick wall that lead in to Diagon Alley. It had been so long since I had been here having sent Molly for every errand. She had even added a chunk of my trust fund to my once measly Gringots account as I hadn't been ready to make that trip either. I suppose I would finally be making my stop there in order to pay for the need that merited this little trip.

Arthur drew his wand and tapped out a pattern that was still so familiar to me after all this time. The entrance to the wizarding street began to appear and I was proud to say that I didn't even flinch. My calm faltered a bit when I saw just how many people there were out shopping today, but I strode calmly forward and focused on keeping my breathing even.

We began to walk into the street and eyes immediately turned to us. I tensed up until I heard people call out greetings to Molly and Arthur. I had forgotten that the Weasley family had become rather famous with the end of the war. People weren't even noticing me, this day couldn't be going better. I stayed planted firmly between the two of them as we strode past all of the shops, and while I noted that I still had a certain sensitivity that allowed me to feel all the different people using magic around us but I kept my mind focused on the task at hand.

Neither Molly or Arthur paused to talk to the people who called out to them, so it did not take us long to make the trek from the entrance of the street down to the steps of the wizarding bank. We climbed them swiftly, and soon the hubbub of the street was replaced by the relative quiet of the bank. The occasional clink of money could be heard along with quiet conversation, but in comparison it was practically silent inside.

I walked confidently up to the counter and engaged the goblin that was looking over a ledger that lay on the desk before him. He looked up with an annoyed glance, quirking his brow just slightly when he saw me before his face evened out to a neutral mask.

"What can I do for you today miss?" he asked in a tired voice.

"I would like to make a small withdrawal," I explained. "I'd prefer not to take a trip down to my vault however."

"Your deduction will need to be below fifty to warrant such accommodations," he sniffed.

"Fifty galleons sounds perfect," I said offering him a smile and hoping he wasn't too terribly annoyed with me.

"Very well, your name then?" he sighed.

"Hermione Granger," I answered easily, and I instantly regretted it when I heard a gasp behind me.

I turned my head to the side in time to see a pair of magenta robes bustling back out of the bank and I felt certain that had been the source of the sound. I had a good idea of who it had been, but I hoped I was wrong. I waited as patiently as I could manage for the goblin to hand over my funds, and signed his ledger verifying that my deduction had been taken from bank funds and would be replenished from within my vault at the end of the day.

We concluded out business, and with my pockets a little heavier I followed the Weasleys back out into the early afternoon sunlight. We managed to reach the bottom of the stairs before we were bombarded by a pushy woman in magenta robes and her blue robed companion who was toting a camera.

"Rita Skeeter," I grimaced before pulling what I hoped was a convincing smile onto my face as we attempted to maneuver around her. "If you'll excuse us we have some business to attend to."

"I just need a few minutes of your time," she said pointedly, stepping up into my personal space.

I instinctually stepped back into the small space between Molly and Arthur looking for comfort, and the flash of the camera went off momentarily surrounding us all in its plume of smoke. I tried not to image how awful that picture was going to turn out and sighed in frustration. An article would run tomorrow one way or the other, I might as well try to ensure it went my way by cooperating.

"What brings you out into Diagon Alley after all this time away from the wizarding world?" Skeeter asked, whipping out her quill and setting it up on a piece of parchment she was balancing on her hands.

"I thought it best that I replace my wand," I answered calmly, thought keeping contact with Molly and Arthur so I wouldn't lose my nerve.

"Yes we all wondered when you would finally rejoin us here in the wizarding world," she pushed on, hardly seeming to have been listening to me in the first place. "And what it would take to bring you back in the end."

"Well Severus Snape brought me back of course," I answered without even thinking about it. "It's just taken awhile for me to be ready to replace my wand."

"Surely not Severus Snape," she laughed. "My readers tell me he has turned into a right git. Far worse than he was before his disappearance."

"Severus Snape is a good man," I snapped as my temper flared. "He is the only person who truly looked for me. Everyone else simply assumed I was dead."

I could feel Molly and Arthur shift, and I knew they felt guilty. I would apologize to them later. I hadn't meant that to sound like an attack on them.

"Well what is it that Snape did then that turned things around for you?" Skeeter asked, and I was tempted to shout at her about prying, but instead I took a calming breath and leveled my gaze on hers.

"He did a lot of things, which frankly are not meant to be shared, but suffice to say he put a lot of time and effort into helping me piece my life back together," I explained calmly. "I think the most important thing he did was to remind me that I am the person in control of my life."

"And how did he do that?" she pushed on, her acid green quill flashing so quickly across the parchment that it seemed to blur at the edges.

"He once said to me 'Only you can be the master of your mind, Not every person can learn to master their mind, but if you learn to master your mind, you will then be the master of your own fate.'" I said quietly. "I think that was a diplomatic was of saying that not every idiot can learn to over come the tricks our minds will play on us, but if a person could learn how to do that, they would be truly in control of what their life becomes, and I intend to do just that."

"It seems like he has had quite the impact on you," she used meeting my eyes just as keenly as I had met hers before. "Would you say that you care for him?"

"Well I assure you my feelings either way are not any of your business," I snipped my temper flaring again at the implication whether or not it might be true. "We are done here."

Arthur jumped to at my words and began to usher me through the crowd that had collected with Molly following quickly at our side. We made the short walk from the bank to Olivander's without speaking and as soon as we stepped inside of the somewhat gloomy shop I leaned heavily against the door praying that no one would follow us in.

"Well Miss Granger," Olivander's voice issued from behind me, ethereal as ever. "I've been waiting for you for quite some time now my dear."

"I'm sorry to have kept you waiting," I said quietly as I turned to look into those silvery eyes. "Would mind terribly locking your shop so we might have some privacy while we conduct business."

"Of course," he agreed easily, drawing his wand from within his apron, revealing that it surprisingly seemed to be made from some sort of petrified wood. "Let's get down to business shall we?"


	16. Everything I took for granted

_**Songs for this chapter: Tomorrow Will Be Kinder by The Secret Sisters and Eyes Wide Open by Gotye**_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

I sat in the living room, clutching my new purchase tightly between my fingers. This new wand had a dragon heart string core, which was familiar my first had been as well. I however now held in my hand a wand made of Cedar wood that stretched to the full eleven inches my previous wand had never made. It was a strange thought, but I felt almost as if I had to go through the trials and tribulations I had done to make that last quarter of an inch. When I had taken the wand in my hand it had felt like a confirmation of the rightness of the journey I was now making. It was also rather interesting to see the look on Olivander's face when the cedar wand chose me, and his statement that he wished never to be on the wrong side of an argument with me.

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><p>Learning magic again was… without proper description. It was all sharp edges, but at the same time it had luscious velvet covered curves. It hurt but it was balm to my soul. The first time I touched a transfiguration text book again my heart leapt into my chest, but there was excitement battling for dominance against my fear. For a time all I could do was sit with my wand beside me and thumb through the books, but eventually I drew the courage, and while Molly and Arthur were otherwise occupied I turned my wand on a spoon that sat on the kitchen table.<p>

"Wingardium Leviosa," I whispered, following the movement that was a muscle memory for me and I watched as the spoon launched itself up off of the table and hovered before me.

I slowly lowered it to the table once more and closed my eyes in satisfaction. Not only had I just produced my first intentional spell in five years, but I had done it flawlessly and without fear. I was ready now.

"Molly," I called cheerfully.

"Yes Hermione," she said, surprisingly stepping right into the kitchen.

"You were spying!" I accused without malice. "So you must know what I just did then."

"You did so well," she gushed like I was a five year old who just road a bike for the first time.

I probably should have been offended to be treated like a child, but I sort of felt like a child while I sat at the table basking in her praise of a simple first year spell. It reminded me of what is had been like to be a student in those first years. Where everything was exciting and I felt safe, and loved even when the other students didn't like me. It was a nice feeling.

"Thank you," I smiled. "I think I'm ready to start moving into more difficult things."

"Why don't we move progressively," Molly suggested. "Why not a disarming spell first yeah?"

I stood from my chair, and turned to fully face her. It was a second year spell. I knew how to do it. Now it was just a matter actually doing it. I just needed to commit to doing this, and believing that it was okay to do it.

"Expelliarmus," I said, and though my voice shook the power behind the spell was there.

Her wand flew from her hand and into mine.

"Very good," she said not even reaching to take her wand back, which was a surprise but I didn't say anything. "Now how about an illumination charm?"

I set her wand on the table since she wasn't reaching for it, and then I nodded. Third year spell, not a problem, I could do that.

"Lumos," I said quietly, and the tip of my wand did erupt with light.

For a moment I was startled, but I managed to retain my calm.

"Nox," I breathed almost as a whisper, extinguishing the light.

"Do you want to keep going?" she asked in an even voice.

"Yeah, I just got a tad nervous, but I'm fine," I assured her. "Let's go on."

"How about a summoning charm," Molly pushed on. "How about a throw pillow from the living room?"

I nodded again, and raised my wand again.

"Accio throw pillow," I said, my voice firm once more.

It took what felt like a long time, but eventually the red plush pillow did come flying around the corner and into my hands.

"I did it!" I cheered. "I really thought it hadn't worked at first, but look, here's the pillow."

"Good job," Molly smiled, and then she did pick up her wand and use it to banish the pillow back to the living room. "Let's try an enlargement charm on the tea cup shall we?"

I turned back to my empty tea cup and pointed my wand at it.

"Engorgio," I said quietly but firmly and the glass sprouted up to the size of a planter. "Well look at that. You know that would look adorable in the garden. Why has no one ever thought of that?"

"I suppose it takes seeing it enlarged." Molly said as she looked at the cup. "Maybe I'll buy a different set to do just that in the garden."

My thoughts wandered momentarily to gardening, and then unexpectedly to whether or not Severus liked to garden. He always seemed like the type to want to grow his own potions ingredients. I tried to picture him with a tea cup garden planter and I couldn't help chuckle a bit at that picture.

"Okay, let's try a sixth year spell then," Molly pushed on. "Are you prepared to try and produce a patronus or would you like a chance to read about it first?"

"We learned from Harry how to do those in fifth year, so I don't think I will need to read up on this one," I said, and then I began to search my mind for a happy memory.

I tried to focus on the feeling I had felt when I had cast that first spell today. I held that feeling in my mind and I cast the spell. Mist. Damn.

I picked the memory of first finding out that I was a witch and I harnessed that excitement. I cast it again. This time the mist was fuller and spread out around me, but it was still mist. Damn it again.

_Focus Hermione_ I shouted at myself internally. I needed a new memory, a better memory. Without really thinking about it I focused on the memory of my body wrapped up in the arms of Severus Snape. The calm and relieved happiness flooded through me and I went with it and cast the spell a third time.

The light from the spell erupted around us, but this time there was no mist. White liquid smoke pooled from my wand taking form at my feet. What was more surprising then finally getting the spell right was the realization that my patronus was no longer an otter.

"Well that's a surprise," I gasped.

"Not really. I knew you would get it sooner or later," Molly smiled. "You are Hermione Granger after all."

"No, that's not the surprise," I chuckled as I met her gaze. "What's a surprise is that my patronus is now a doe."

"It's changed?" she asked, her face twisting a bit into a classic concerned mother face.

I wondered why the change would worry her so, but I didn't ask.

"Yes, it used to be an otter," I told her as I released the spell and the doe dissipated.

"Well let's send an owl to Minerva," Molly said, rapidly changing the topic. "I'm certain we can have you ready by June."

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><p>McGonagall hadn't seen any problem with me coming to the castle for a week at the end of the year to sit exams. She had actually seemed rather pleased by the idea and offered me a guest room up in Gryffindor tower for my stay. I had eagerly accepted her offer and set to work on the more difficult spells and other lessons that I should have learned in those last two years of education that hadn't happened.<p>

I also began to practice at learning apparition under the watchful eye of Arthur Weasley. In an effort to keep from overwhelming me while I tried to reintegrate into the wizarding world he had gone about getting clearance to offer the course to me rather than the wizard who normally trained all of the Hogwarts students. I would of course still have to work with him when I finally went in to the ministry to take the test to get an official license for that form of travel.

Learning the spells and charms came fairly easy, and after a month of hard work I didn't even bat an eye at the use of magic. I had come to accept it as a part of my life once more, and I was embracing it and trying to once again be the witch I had been in the past.

The non-wand lessons came even easier. I found that I was more apt at herbology than I had been before all of this had happened, and I had more interest in care of magical creatures than I had when I had opted to drop the class all those years ago. The only class that gave me any real semblance of trouble was potions, and I knew it was because of my conflicted emotions over who should have been teaching me the class. It didn't help that Molly and Arthur were not great shakes at the subject.

I did well enough that I began to brew my own paste to heal the last of my scars, though as winter turned into spring they were slowly disappearing into my skin. It was beginning to look like my nightmare had never happened, and I was relieved. It was the other potions that a seventh year witch should be able to brew that were giving me trouble. I needed the tutelage of an expert, but I found myself unable to attain it.

I sent an owl to Severus begging that he help me prepare for that particular NEWT, but I received no response. I waited another week, and again I received no response so for a time I let it be. Instead I went in to the ministry and I demonstrated beyond a shadow of doubt that I was capable of apparition. The second I had the approval given to me I had to demonstrate my skill once more to escape a rather pushy Rita Skeeter who had gotten wind of some sort of training I was undergoing and wanted to juicy details. I fled to the Burrow rather than being forced to endure another interview with her.

Suddenly I found it to be the middle of May, and for the most part I felt confident about going up to the castle to take the exams. Molly and I had been working hard as of late to perfect my ability to cast spells nonverbally as we felt it would give me an edge in the tests. The only loose string was potions, and I decided to once again try and wrap that fraying edge. I sent a third owl, and once again it went unanswered. This time poor Errol returned looking rather harassed and exhausted and I had enough.

"I'm going to go talk to him in person," I told Molly as I pulled on my jacket. "This is just getting ridiculous."

"Be careful," she said hesitantly. "I get the impression he might not want to talk."

"Too bad," I grumbled as I made my way out into the garden to apparate to Spinner's End.

I focused my mind, and took that turning step into the unknown, no longer feeling the fear that used to compress my chest with the very idea of traveling like this. When I opened my eyes again, at first I thought I had done something wrong. Surely I had ended up in the wrong place? But no, through the coiling smoke that was climbing up toward the sky as the fire crew began to move their equipment away, I recognized the houses. I most certainly recognized the hole that should have held one house in particular.

There was no fire now, the crew having done their job, but it was obvious that not long ago there had been a roaring fire that devoured the Snape house. I walked forward on numb legs to get a closer look at the pile of ash and rubble that used to be a home. For a while it had been my home.

My chest rippled in pain as I pushed aside the half gate that was hanging wonkily off of the remnants of what had been a fence. It was still warm to the touch. I kneeled down beside the heap that used to be a house and I felt my eyes burning with tears that wanted to fall. The message was clear and that hurt more than such an important landmark in my life being gone.

_Stay away from me _the rubble was screaming at me. I felt like I was staring at the image of what I had done to Severus when I had basically thrown everything he had done for me in his face. It was eye opening to realize just how badly I had hurt him. I felt how he was trying to tell me anything between us was over, but I just couldn't let that be the end of this. I couldn't let everything end in a heap of rubble replacing what used to be a home. I had to fix this. I had to apologize. I had to do something to make him understand that I knew how wrong I had been that night.

With the smell of burnt wood in my nose, and tears on my cheeks, his stupid choice of forcing me to get better when I wasn't ready hardly seemed to matter. There had been something between us that summer as he pieced me back together with painstaking care, and I had thrown it all out over a stupid mistake. And now it was all ash on the ground in a muggle neighborhood where no one even seemed to know the name of the home owner. It was dust disturbed by the spring wind, blowing away from me while I cried in a yard that I was clearly no longer welcome in.


	17. The avoidance of saying anything real

_**Song for this chapter: Black Dirt by Sea Wolf**_

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

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><p>The roaring in my ear spiked when I saw that bloody owl flying into the great hall for the third time. What was that witch playing at? Honestly it felt like she was trying to kill me. Each time I was forced to think about her, by the appearance of the owl that I knew was bringing a letter from her, the weight in my chest grew heavier and the roaring grew louder. As the ruddy owl landed on the table before me, proudly extending his leg to give me the blasted letter, I thought for sure I was going to die. My pulse was racing, my chest heaving, and just barely able to focus over the roaring in my ears I began to wonder if I was actually having some sort of heart attack. I felt a strange calm flow through my limbs at it all being over, and that allowed me to pull the letter off of the owls leg without ripping the limb from the bird entirely.<p>

"Severus will you at least read this one?" Minerva asked me as I held the letter tightly in my hand and pushed the owl roughly until it got the hint and flew away.

"Is that any of your business witch?" I snapped at her, barely able to hear her over the sound in my ears.

"Severus, she's coming for her NEWTS in just a couple weeks," the old woman sighed at me. "Surely those letters are seeking your assistance in her potions studies."

"She's coming here?" I growled standing so quickly from my seat at the high table that my chair toppled over.

"Of course she is—"

It's likely the woman said more, but I wasn't listening anymore. I was storming my way out of the great hall with rage blinding my eye. So she wouldn't come to Hogwarts when I tried to bring her, but now when I am forced to be in the building, unable to get away from her, she was coming. Bloody hell! I stormed across the grounds, handing out detentions to each student I passed, and I couldn't even remember what asinine reasons I had come up with to supposedly merit them. My mind was focused only on getting to the gates, and getting away from the blasted castle.

I apparated from the castle gates straight into the room of the house. I wanted to scream my rage just at the sight of the room. The home was unwelcome enough after the time I had spent with her here, but looking at it in its ruined state from my last time here made it that much worse. How had I allowed her to affect me so? I should have just let her disappear into night like she wanted to, but I had been determined for some reason I still couldn't understand I had felt compelled to help her. To save her if you will. Somehow in all the hate I felt for the woman, I felt even more of it for the woman who had somehow start all of this in me. The woman who had taught me to care when I had already taught myself not to.

Oh I hated Hermione Granger, of that much I was absolutely certain, but in that moment when I stared at my destroyed living room there was one woman I hated more. Lily Potter was to blame for creating the man who I had become, and for the first time since that fateful Halloween I was glad she was gone. My gut twisted as I tried to think I was glad Hermione was gone as well and I wasn't sure what that meant. The only thing I was sure of was that this house had to go. This damn house tied me to both of them, and I was done being tied to anyone.

And so I went through the house meticulously. I left no room untouched as I cast one incendio after another. I worked my way from the top to the bottom until each room was flaming, and I was choking on the smoke that was rapidly beginning to choke all of the air out of the place. I walked out onto the porch, fancying some dramatic walk away from the burning wreck that was my life, but the night air was full of the sound approaching emergency vehicles. So I had to disappear before I could properly enjoy the destruction I had caused. Instead I would have to go sit in in a pub and enjoy my new friend from ties to my past without the visual to confirm it.

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><p>When I returned to the castle it was late. Certainly late enough to be an intrusion, but I still made my way up to the heads office. I schooled the slight amble that happened when I was slightly intoxicated, and forced my feet into the smooth rhythm that was usually much easier for me. I made my way up to the door and knocked quietly, though I was still angry enough to warrant pounding on it.<p>

"Must you always insist on visiting so late in the evening," Minerva said tersely as she opened the door and let me in to her office.

"It is more convenient to my schedule," I spoke quietly focusing on articulating my speech so she would not realize that I was drunk.

"What are you here about this evening?" she asked tiredly as she took a seat behind her desk.

"I would like to leave early at the end of my contract," I said, trying to sound as agreeable as possible. "It would be a week early, so coverage would be needed for the exams, but as my contract would be ending right after it wouldn't be a great loss. You could dock my pay accordingly."

"The contract you signed is for two years," Minerva said pointedly and I fought to control the spike in my anger. "And try as you might to get me to fire you I have no intention of doing so."

I remained quiet. There was nothing that I could let through my lips at this moment that wouldn't make everything worse. She had me by the short hairs unless I wanted to burn the last bridge I had. We had too much history between us for me to throw it all away of another of my stupid choices.

"Besides word through the grapevine is you will be needing the castle as a place to stay," she said quietly her eyes focused on me intently.

"How could you possibly know about that?" I asked my surprise overriding my attention to articulation in my speech.

"I went by your house after you stormed out of the castle this evening," she explained as if she was telling a student how to perform a difficult transfiguration spell. "I saw you leaving."

"Well you saw then," I sighed. "But I can find a new home. In fact leaving a week early is the perfect time to do so."

"I'm not going to allow you the week Severus," she said firmly. "I know that you only want to leave so you're not here when she comes. It's childish and I am not going to help you with that."

"Then we're done here," I snapped, and I swept up and out of the office.

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><p>I had thrown myself into finding anyway I could throw anyone into detention. No one suffered more than Amelia Brooks who had the misfortune of looking and acting like a young Hermione Granger. It kept my mind focused on something else, but eventually those last two weeks dwindled away and it was time for examinations to begin. Monday morning rolled around, and I dressed in my teaching robes with a sense of dread. There was a chance she would be in the hall for breakfast and I wanted to be prepared by the time I got there.<p>

I wasn't prepared for opening the doors to my chamber and found her drowsing form leaning against my wall. I stood staring at her for a moment, as she sat there in her tan and brown flannel dress with her jacket wrapped around her legs and her head tilted against the stone wall. It looked like she had shown up early and drifted off while she waited for me to wake up.

I tore my eyes away from her before I could analyze how I felt about her almost completely clear skin and her face that no longer seemed lined with worry like it had while she slept in the past. I moved quietly through the halls in an attempt not to wake her. I did not do it out of kindness. I did it in an effort to avoid a scene. I did not care what she had come to talk to me about, and I didn't need drama in the corridors when I refused to speak to her.

The thought _she's here_ played over and over in my mind, and it kept me from realizing something until I stepped into the great hall. The roaring had lessened just slightly in my ears. Did that mean somehow my blood pressure had gone down? Or did it mean something else entirely? Honestly I couldn't understand where the roaring had come from, and I didn't want to think about it, but the sudden drop in the pitch and the intensity of the sound made it all that I could think about.

I pushed it from my mind, and doled out the day's first detention to a Ravenclaw messy enough to leave books stacked haphazardly beside the table where I very nearly tripped over them. Back in the realm of familiar anger, I was able to better focus on the day ahead and not the person I had just encountered in the hall.

* * *

><p>I managed to find one excuse or another to keep myself away until the late evening, but eventually I had to admit that it was time to go back to my quarters. It was nearing ten when I finally slunk down into the dungeons, and I was hoping she would be gone. Certainly she would have studying to do wouldn't she? But no she apparently didn't, because there she was, pacing slowly back and forth by my door.<p>

"Severus," she said quietly as soon as she noticed my presence.

"You will refer to me as Professor Snape," I snapped at her as I made my way down the corridor so I could get into my chambers. "And while I understand the headmistress has offered you a guest room during the week of exams I am rather certain that room isn't down here."

"I wanted to talk to you," she fumbled under my anger.

"Ah well I don't want to talk to you," I said as quickly dropped my wards and pushed my door open. "Glad we've got that sorted. Now get lost."

I sipped inside and slammed the door shut immediately raising the wards once more. I tried not to think about how open she had looked while she orbited my movements as I tried to ignore her. I tried not to think about how she hadn't even flinched when I had used magic in front of her. When I couldn't succeed in not thinking about either of those things I was once again consumed with rage, and I sought to quench it with my personal liquor supply.

* * *

><p>She never seemed to leave. She was outside my door when I went to sleep, and she was still there when I woke up in the morning. There was a chance that she was sleeping outside my door but I refused to think about it. I tried to stay as far away from my chambers as possible to avoid her, and for the most part I was successful. I proctored the exams that were required of me, and every other moment was spent down at the hogs head. I didn't drink myself stupid, as I did have a job to do each morning, but I certainly blurred the edges.<p>

Occasionally I couldn't quite avoid her. Once she tried to get my attention in the great hall, but I threw a surprised Filius into her path and made a break for it through a side corridor. I then spent over an hour raging in my private chambers at her insolence. It was bad enough that she had worked her way into my heart, worse that she had torn it apart, but now she wanted to rub my face in it. I wasn't having it.

On another occasion she lost her temper, shouting after me when I refused to listen to her. I tried not to hear anything she said, but I caught the words "I'm sorry." She almost tripped me up enough to wonder what she had been talking about, and what she was apologizing for, but instead I focused on the roaring in my ears and let it carry me further away from her.

* * *

><p>My week of hell finally rolled to an end, and Friday morning dawned. I stayed in my chambers well past the beginning of exams, as I did not have one to proctor today. When it was getting dangerously close to the lunch hour I decided it was time to leave, while I still had a chance to get away without seeing her. The hall around my door was blessedly empty and I left my chambers with a bit more oomph in my step.<p>

I wanted to celebrate my freedom from what this week had become so I made my way once more out of the castle and down to the Hogs Head. The difference between today and earlier this week being that I no longer had a reason not to drink myself stupid.

I enjoyed shot after shot, not bothering to make any sort of conversation with anyone, and Aberforth did me the courtesy of not trying to make any conversation with me either. I whiled the day away slowly, the edges growing blurrier and blurrier until I could hardly see the bar in order to tap my hand on it asking for another shot.

When the sky had grown dark, and I was so pissed drunk it was impossible to hide it Aberforth cut me off. I grumbled at him, but didn't put up much of a fight as he ushered me out of his bar and told me not to come back for a while. My imaginary feathers ruffled at his concern that reminded me far too much of his older brother. I pushed that feeling away and staggered my way back toward the castle.

I made my way back toward my chambers, letting go of every feeling other than the sweet relief I felt when thinking of sliding into bed and sleeping for days. I barely even held my eyes open as I drug myself down the dungeon hallway, clinging to the walls to remain upright.

That relief drained out of me when I rounded the bend that brought me in sight of my chambers, and I saw that the bloody wench was still there. I staggered toward her, unable to believe that she was sleeping outside my door once more. Why was she still here? I nearly collapsed on top of her when I lost my footing while staring down at her, but I reached out to grab her should. It was meant to catch myself, but as my hand slammed down on her I realized that I wanted to wake her, that I wanted to talk to her.

I realized something else, when my thumb brushed against the skin of her collarbone that was exposed by my grip on her t-shirt. The roaring in my ears had stopped completely making the hallway seem eerily quiet in its absence.


	18. The hangover comes the day after

_**Song for this chapter: The Ruler and the Killer by Kid Cudi (again… because it fits his anger so well)**_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

I was startled awake by a hand slamming down on my shoulder, and the only thing that kept me from screaming was the sight of Severus Snape staring down at me. Even if it was from unfocused eyes with alcohol on his breath. I winced when his hand tightened forcefully on me and he began to pull up. I could tell he was trying to pull me to my feet, but he couldn't really manage it in his drunken state, so I stood on my own allowing him to keep his hand on my shoulder when he swayed before me.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he growled, his words slurring together a bit.

"I wanted to apologize to you," I said quietly, ducking my head when his face contorted in what I looked like rage.

"Shut up demon," he snapped, his hand crushing down on my shoulder painfully. "It's bad enough that you've chosen to look like her. You don't get to speak as well."

"Severus I—"

"I said shut up!" he shouted, releasing his hold on me and staggering before me as if it were a struggle to remain on his feet. "Sure I've done wrong in my life, but why are you showing up now demon? Don't like how I treat the firsties do you?"

"I'm not a demon," I ground out, crushed by the way he felt about himself and how he felt about who he thought I was.

"Oh really," he chuckled, leaning forward so and arm lay against the wall on either side of my head and his face was just inches from mine.

I should have been afraid, he was too close, he wasn't in his right mind. But this was Severus and I trusted him. Even if he was dangerously drunk at the moment, I trusted him to not hurt me.

"If you aren't a demon, it should be easy enough for you to tell me your name," he said in a smooth voice, that surprise his drunken state seemed to slid of my skin like silk.

I opened my mouth to speak, and it was like a great pain was released from my chest. This was the moment. I would drop the last line of defense between us. I would relieve that deep unending ache we both suffered from for so long now.

"Hermione Granger," I told him quietly, waiting expectantly for him to realize I wasn't a demon.

"Thank you for proving my point," he barked out in a laugh. "Only a demon would use that name. The girl herself can't bear to say it. Be gone from my sight demon."

He moved back, starting to stumble away from me, and I acted without thinking. I grasped the front of his robes and I pulled him back in front of me, nearly dumping him on the floor when he tried to correct his footing.

"I am not a demon," I said again looking into his eyes as best as I could when he couldn't focus them. "I really am Hermione Granger."

"I can prove that you aren't the girl who calls herself Jean now," he slurred as he leaned further into my personal space. "If you were really her you would never let me do this."

I stood frozen as he pressed the length of his body against mine, and his drunken swaying only served to exaggerate the feeling of his body pressed against mine. My heart was racing in my chest, but it wasn't out of fear. The frantic race increased and my knees buckled when he pressed his lips against the apex of my neck and shoulder. I shuddered and a tiny sound of pleasure fell unexpectedly from my mouth.

"Yes definitely a demon," he chuckled darkly as he back away from me. "You're acting is slipping demon, you let me know that you liked that."

All I could manage was to pant and stare, what had he just done to me? It felt like my whole body was tingling. This was not something I ever thought I would feel, certainly not while being accosted by a drunk man in a dark corridor.

"You see beast, you've got the wrong read on me," he continued as he swayed dangerously before me. "You're too late. If you'd made your oh so willing appearance months ago I'd have gladly taken you into my chambers not matter what your true form might be. But now you are simply pretending to be the woman that I hate most in this world and I could never want you. So leave, or I shall be forced to banish you from this realm entirely. You know enough about me to know I could do it."

I was left clinging to the wall breathing heavily as he staggered into his chambers and warded the door behind him. My breathing grew steadily more out of control and I began to shake as I stood in that hallway. It took me a minute to realize that I was crying. What had just happened? How could I discover just how strongly I was attracted to the bastard only to discover that it didn't matter because he hated me? He hated me!

I didn't bother trying to control the tears as I fled that castle. I needed to be anywhere that wasn't there. I couldn't stand to look at the damn building in the light of what it now meant. Something that I only just realized how badly I wanted just to find out that I could never have it. How cruel could life be?


	19. Give something back by becoming more

_**Songs for this chapter: Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros and Misguided Ghosts by Paramore**_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

I had snuck back into the Burrow while Molly and Arthur were sleeping, and cried myself to sleep. But when I awoke in the morning, I knew that no matter who much I hurt I still wanted him. I knew that I wanted to make him stop hating me. Even if perhaps I should hate him for the brilliant bruise that was blossoming on my shoulder and collar bone.

It hurt, more than some stupid bruise ever could, to think of the way his words rung true when he swore his vehement hatred for me. Still there was a part of me that bucked against it. How could the man who had traced down old magic to find me hate me so? I knew now what spell he had used to track me for all that time, and from all of my reading I had done constantly telling myself it was just for the NEWT exams, I knew that he had to have searched for that spell for some time.

I knew everything there was to know about that tracking spell, and even how it could be modified so any magic could set it off, but what was the point? Why did I feel compelled to know any of it? Simply to know him better I supposed. I knew now that he would never forgive me for that moment when I ran from him that last time, but I hoped somehow that if I knew everything there was to know about him I would find a way to break that hatred. I wanted it broken, but more than that I needed it broken. I needed him.

I hadn't realized that I would come to see my flight from him as a mistake. I was afraid of what he had done, afraid of what it had meant for me. But I could understand it now. He was trying to bring me back to life. He was trying to make me something other than the shadow I had become. The ghost I had become. Knowing that made me want to run again, but this time it made me want to run to him. To admit that I trusted him completely, that I was sorry, that I relied on him entirely to fill a new void I had discovered in myself. There was a great void in my heart that screamed to be filled by the man that could not bear to look at me for his hatred.

"Hermione, are you awake?" Molly called through the door.

"Yes Molly," I called, groaning when I heard how rough my voice sounded.

"Can I come in?" she asked, her voice sounding more concerned.

I didn't want to let her in. I hadn't looked in a mirror, but if my voice were any indication it would be pretty clear that I had spent most of the night crying.

"Yes," I answered finally, because I knew forcing her to stay away would just hurt her in the end.

"Oh honey," she said as soon as she pushed the door open, and I noticed her shuffling a letter into her apron hastily. "Was being at Hogwarts too much after all? Maybe it was too soon."

"No it wasn't the school" I answered honestly, patting the foot of the bed in invitation for her to sit. "Honestly it felt like a homecoming to return to the castle after all of this time. It was just such a long week."

"Tell me about it," she prodded, gently gripping my feet through the blanket.

"I tried all week to get him to speak to me," I sighed, turning my eyes up to the ceiling when I felt my eyes sting. "He wouldn't allow me to apologize. I waited outside his chambers every moment that I wasn't in an exam or grabbing a quick bite to eat."

"Severus has always been very stubborn." Molly hedged. "He'll come around eventually."

"I don't think he will Molly," I said meeting her eyes once more. "We had a bit of a row last night before I finally left and he told me there was not a person he hated more on the planet. No one can match the hatred he feels for me."

"Surely he's just angry," she said quietly. "I imagine after all the things that have happened over the years he's gained quite the temper."

"What things?" I pushed, wanting to gain even more knowledge about this man that I found myself loving.

Was loving the right word? Could I ever really love anyone anymore? I just cared for him deeply. They weren't the same thing… were they?

"Well, Dumbledore's portrait revealed a lot of things about Severus when he was finally questioned about everything that lead up to the end of the war," Molly explained. "Most of it probably wasn't his place to tell, and really isn't mine either. But if I had been in the shoes of Severus Snape I think I would have lost my mind entirely."

"Please go on," I begged her. I needed to know this.

"When he came to school, possibly before, the timeline wasn't clear to me, he fell hard for Lily Evans," she said quietly. "You know her as Lily Potter of course. I won't share the details of how much he was tortured by the development of that relationship, but I will tell you that he said something rather awful to her and she never forgave him. She cut him out of her life entirely, and he lost the last good thing in his life and turned to the Death Eaters."

I gasped, and she stopped. I had never understood what had turned him. Under all of the snarkiness he had always seemed inherently good to me, and I had constantly argued in his defense with the boys. His past as a Death Eater had always perturbed me because I could not reason it out. I nodded my head at her, hoping to get her to continue.

"Dumbledore explained that when the prophecy was made about Harry, that Severus overheard part of it and relayed it to He Who Must Not Be Named." Molly nearly whispered. "I think we all know that had he realized he was condemning Lily Potter's family to death he never would have said anything."

I could feel my eyes stinging, but I held myself perfectly still, waiting for what was yet to come.

"When he realized he couldn't save them himself, he came to Dumbledore. He swore him absolute allegiance in trade for their assured safety," she went on. "He turned spy for the order to save Lily Potter, because he still loved her though she would not allow him to have even a small part of the life she had created for herself."

My heart rippled. It was for simultaneous reasons. I grieved for the pain he must have felt for what he went through, but I also felt pain for my own guilt. I could suddenly understand the hate he felt for me a little better. I had done exactly what Lily had done to him. He had made a mistake in anger and I had abandoned him entirely. In that moment I hated myself a little as well.

"But Lily Potter is dead," I said finally, when Molly still did not continue with her story.

"Yes she is," she sighed. "But Severus never turned back. He stayed true to his word though the contract was essentially null and void with the murder taking place. He continued to spy for the order, and even went on to do the work that would end the war for good. He paid dearly for everything thing he did, and was treated horribly the entire time. How he manages to get up each day and go through the motions of living is beyond me. I could never do that."

I let the silence grow between us when she stopped speaking. I thought maybe I understood what had gotten him out of bed for the past five years anyway. He had some sort of purpose in the task he had given himself to find me and piece me back together. A task I would never be able to understand the undertaking of, but it did give a reason to climb out of bed. What pulled him out of bed now? Was it his hatred? Did he do it in spite of me? In spite of everyone who had ever wronged and hurt him? I agreed with Molly, I couldn't do it either. Just one night of torture had driven me from my life for years, and I knew just from the one memory he had showed me that he had suffered far more than one night. As far as I could tell he had suffered for more than twenty years, and yet he was still here. Still living, moving, breathing, still somehow human when anyone else would have completely lost themselves.

Again I found that I hated myself, and understood why he felt that way about me. I had essentially spit in his face when he had opened himself up to me even the tiniest bit. He had invited me into his home. He fed and clothed me. He cared for me. He helped me find myself again. I never so much as thanked him, and I repeated a psychological abuse that he probably saw as a pattern now. It seemed clear that h would make the connection that to care for someone meant to be hurt and left behind. I had been stupid.

"I've gotten off track," Molly said when I had been staring at the blanket in my lap for a long time. "I actually came up here to bring you a letter that came with the morning post."

"Why did you put it away when you came in then?" I asked, honestly curious about the choice.

"It's from the school," she explained, pulling it out from her apron. "You seemed upset and I didn't want to make it any worse. I hate to see you cry."

"Well no we've sorted that I wasn't crying about the school can I have my letter?" I asked her with a soft chuckle.

She handed it over easily, and for a bit I just stared at it. It had been ages since I had seen a letter with the Hogwarts seal on it. It reminded me an awful lot of that first letter I had gotten when I was eleven. Would this letter bring as much of a life change as the last one had? It made me a bit apprehensive to open it, but eventually I gathered my courage and I broke that little red wax seal.

_Dear Hermione,_

_As you have been away for a while, I assume you do not know the goings on of the castle, but it is in relation to them that I am writing you now. As you have just sat your NEWTS you are eligible to help me with a particular issue I have found trouble resolving for years now here at the castle. Since the unfortunate murder of Charity Burbage just before the end of the war, it has been impossible to find a witch or wizard willing to take the post of Muggle Studies Professor. _

_Given your heritage, and the recent sabbatical you spent in the world of muggles I can think of no better candidate for the job should you be interested in filling the post. I hope you will at least write me with your feelings either way, but a meeting in person here at the castle would be more than welcome. I would like to hear back one way or the other as soon as you can manage so I know if I need to run yet another article in the Prophet seeking someone else for the job._

_Yours Sincerely,_

_Minerva McGonagall_

I read it twice, unable to believe what I was seeing. I had only really been back in the wizarding world since Halloween, and here I was being offered a teaching position at one of the best wizarding schools the world had to offer. It was a staggering offer if I were to be honest with myself. Was I ready for something like that? For years I had wanted to be a teacher, and teaching at Hogwarts was a dream of mine. To be offered it now, after all this time, after everything that had happened struck many chords with me. Did I still want it?

"I've been offered a teaching position at the school," I said quietly when I realized Molly had not yet left the room.

"That's great Hermione," she gushed. "Do you want to teach?"

"I've always wanted to be a teacher," I admitted. "Things just feel differently now. I'm not sure if it right now. Not to mention I would be encroaching on his territory."

"You wouldn't have to interact with him much at all if that's what you are worried about," Molly said kindly. "And you shouldn't let his anger over what has happened between the two of you stand between you and your dream job."

"I think I would end up interacting with him though," I sighed. "If I were to take over as the muggle studies professor I would want to do it properly. And that would mean that I would want to teach the students how there are many things that we do that are similar to things muggles do. Such as the similarities between lessons we teach, and lessons that are taught in muggle schools."

"I'm sure he would act the professional," she pushed again. "But if you really don't want to be around him, then you can always turn down the job offer."

Did I want to be away from him? No quite the opposite actually. And living at the castle would make it easier to put in the efforts of showing him that I was truly sorry for having left. I could sleep outside his door every night of the year if that was what it took.

"I think I am going to accept it." I told her with a smile. "I should get dressed so I can go speak with McGonagall."

* * *

><p>When I was dressed and once again presentable, I was ready to go back to Hogwarts. I dressed in my nicest pair of black robes, but I made a mental note that I would need to procure teaching robes at the next available opportunity. I took my wand in hand, called out a goodbye to both Molly and Arthur, and made my way out into the yard to apparate to the gates of the school.<p>

The sight of the castle was still striking and I would have paused in my awe anyway, but I was forced to a stop by the closed gates. I hadn't thought about the fact that the students had all left by now. Only the faculty would be present and as they could open the gates at will it did not make sense to leave them open. I had to wait for someone to come and retrieve me if I wished to gain entry to the castle once more.

I only had to wait a short time before I saw the bustling form of McGonagall making her way down to me. When she drew closer I saw smile on her face. That look was more of a homecoming than the view of the castle ever would be. She was truly happy to see me here, and it made me glad to be here with her.

"I didn't expect to see you so soon," she greeted as she tapped her wand against the gates and they swung open to invite me in. "Shall we go to my office for tea?"

"I'd like that," I smiled and let her lead the way.

We walked in relative silence as we crossed the sloping grass lawn, but it was not uncomfortable. I watched as the giant skin lolled about the surface of the lake, stretching its tentacles up as if to draw in my sunshine. There were birds singing in the trees that lined the lake, and I thought I might hear Hagrid whistling somewhere in the distance. Maybe he was working in his garden on this bright sunny day.

Eventually we had to leave the peaceful grounds behind and step into the castle that seemed absolutely dark in comparison. That was an effect from the sun I had always hated, how it seemed to suck the light out of a home with its brightness. I shook my discontent and followed McGonagall as she lead me to her office. I noted that the gargoyles who stood guard at the entrance to the head office were already open. I wondered if that was a frequent thing, or if the security was lax with the students gone for the summer vacation. I didn't ask, I simply followed her up the revolving staircase that let out in front of her office door.

She simply pushed the door open, not having put any wards in place. It would take time for me to adjust to a wizarding world that seemed to lack fear. Even the Weasleys still kept wards around their home. Perhaps the safety the castle afforded allowed the staff to worry less about the threats of the outside world. Again I did not ask, I simply crossed over to stand in front of the desk, waiting until she had taken a seat behind it before I took my own seat.

"I received your letter this morning," I said in opening. "I must admit I was quite surprised to receive such an offer."

"I believe you are more than qualified for the position, and thought your scores are still pending for now, I expect your NEWTS will reflect my feelings about you," she said with a smile.

"Yes, I got a bit of a chuckle about the 'sabbatical' you referenced as a qualifier for me." I said softly.

"Well you did live intimately with muggles did you not?" she smirked. "We can call a spade a spade if you wish, but I do think that your time away from the wizarding world could also be described as an intensive research period into the life of an average muggle."

"I suppose I did learn a lot about how muggles live," I agreed easily, not interested in arguing any other point against her. "And I think I would like the opportunity to teach young witches and wizards about our fellow humans."

"Are you accepting the job offer then?" she asked her face brightening further.

"I am," I nodded with a smile of my own. "But I wanted to ask if you would consider some cross subject lessons. I would like to demonstrate some of the similarities between classes we teach and classes that are taught in the muggle world."

"I think that is something we could certainly discuss over the summer," she said with an even bigger smile. "As it stands now you would take over the lessons that I have been proctoring. There is one each day of the week with each year only receiving one lesson for the week. We could adjust that to twice a week so long as it fits cohesively with the rest of the lessons. And we would have to speak with the other professors about conjoined lessons."

"I also have another idea, though I have to admit it is in its infancy and I would need time over the summer to better formulate the details of it," I went on, excited by her interest in my ideas. "If it's possible I would like to set up a house down in Hogsmeade, so it wouldn't be effected by the strong magic of the castle, where I could acquire muggle technologies to share with my students on occasion throughout the year. Perhaps having a movie night once during the term, or allowing them to write on of their papers for me on a computer."

"That is a very interesting idea, that I would like to hear more about when you have a more detailed idea of what you would like to do," she nodded. "I think with all of the new ideas you have, it would be best if you attended our end of the year staff meeting. If only to get the professors you wish to partner with thinking about lessons the two of you could do together."

"I'd like that." I nodded in return. "When would that be?"

"The meeting will actually be this evening, and then the staff will be released for the summer." She explained. "You could spend the rest of the day here in the castle, or down in Hogsmeade if you like, and then join us in the staff room at 5:00 this evening."

"That sounds lovely," I said as I stood. "Do I need to sign anything while I am here, or is that something we will take care of at a later date?"

"I will have official papers for you at the beginning of the school year," she chuckled, clearly amused by my excitement to get started. "The staff returns a week before the students do, and the contract will be waiting for your signature at that time."

"Well I suppose I shall see you in a few hours then," I laughed, and made my way out of the office.

I had some free time to fill up, and I was going to use it to go to the small tailors shop own in the village to procure at least one set of teaching robes so I could wear them to the meeting this evening. I would have to look into getting many more in the future though.


	20. The abyss will gaze back into you

_**Songs for this chapter: Kiss With a Fist by Florence and the Machine and Love the Way You Lie by Rihanna and Eminem **_

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

I just had to get through one last meeting, and then I could leave the castle until the end of August. It would leave me with a few months to try and find another way out of this contract. I was frustrated enough that I was seriously considering just disappearing and leaving her to find a way to fix the problem on her own.

I immediately noticed that staff seemed more excited that usual and I was about to dismiss it as pertaining to the fact that we would all be released to enjoy our summers when this meeting when I noticed there was one too many people in the room. My steps faltered as my eyes snapped to the side to take in the addition. What the bloody hell was she doing here of all places? And were those teaching robes she was wearing?

My eyes lingered on her without my permission, taking in her presence. She seemed to be holding her head high, a sight I had not seen since the days she had been my student. From the skin that she had left uncovered I saw that save a mark here or there all of her scars had gone. The one under her eye seemed unable to heal properly for a reason I did not understand, and the word carved into her arm still showed no sign of change. It was likely the dagger had been cursed as well.

Her robes declared her house loyalty rather exuberantly, though somehow in a subdued nature. The gold of her outer robe was deep enough that it could almost pass for a grey, and the scarlet bordering was so rich it almost appeared to be a wonky black. This was pulled over a plain black dress that cut to the tops of her calves, and for a second I found myself admiring the striking figure it cut on her now that she had filled out from her time of scavenging for food. I stamped out that wandering thought and reminded myself who exactly I was looking at.

I turned my eyes away from her, almost wishing the roar would return to my ears so I would not be forced to hear her voice should she choose to speak. I took a seat in the far corner of the room away from the rest of the staff and prayed for this bloody meeting to end quickly

"Good evening everyone," Minerva said in an annoyingly cheerful voice as she swept into the room and everyone else slid into chairs around the room. "Just a few last of term items and then you will all be free to do as you wish this summer."

She clapped her hands excitedly while she waited for everyone to settle and moved to stand at the center of the table facing us all.

"First everyone should be aware that the ministry has begun talks of bringing back the Triwizard tournament," she said jumping into the meeting. "This would not take place until the year after next, so the most any of you should be effected is being interviewed individually as the year progresses as to your feelings one way or the other on having it. I tell you now so you have time to think about which side of the fence you fall on, and we shall begin scheduling one on one meetings to discuss your opinions in the fall. So think on that."

I swallowed a scoff while the other professors nodded rather sycophantically. I staunchly refused to look and see how a certain woman had reacted.

"Secondly I will be released from the lessons I have been teaching, and in the place of that daily requirement I would like to institute a mentoring program for increasing inter-house unity," she said with a bright smile. "I will be meeting at the first of the year with all the heads of houses for lengthy discussions, but each week I would like to meet with a different member of the staff to discuss how they think things are going and hear any suggestions any of you might have. Severus, Flitwick, Septima, and Neville I will be expecting you to show up for those first meetings with several ideas of how to begin implementing such a program so I ask that you work on that at some point over the summer as I will."

I was almost as surprised to have it pointed out that I was head of house as I was to be reminded that Neville Longbottom was now a professor. How the boy could be such a bloody nuisance at potions and practically a genius when it came to herbology was beyond me. I began to wonder if I should expect some sort of verbal lashing for how I had not completed any head of house duties in the past year. How easy it was to forget that I was the only member of the staff from the house of Slytherin. For one year longer anyway.

"And the last bit of my business is to announce the new addition to our staff. I know she has an exciting idea she would like to share with you all once I have finished with talking your ears off," Minerva chuckled at her own joke. "The post of muggles studies professor has finally been filled by Miss Hermione Granger."

The room broke out in applause, none more so than Hagrid, but I simply tried not to break anything as I flexed my grip on the arms of my chair. It was bad enough that I was stuck at this school because of her, but now she was going to force her bloody presence on me as well. There was no end to the cruelty of the world.

"Thank you," she said quietly when the noise had died down. "I would like to radically change the way my subject is taught in an effort to bring better understanding of the similarities that exist between our world and the muggle world. I want to combat possible prejudices either way with knowledge and understanding."

I surprised everyone as well as myself by the choking sound I made. It had been unintentional, but my throat seemed to constrict at her use of the word understanding. She knew nothing about that word. She did not turn to meet my eyes, but I saw the corners of her eyes tighten before she continued on as if nothing had happened.

"Part of what I would like to do affects other professors should you agree to my projected lesson," she went on in a firm voice. "I would like to have occasional joint classes where we set lessons to demonstrate the similarities between muggle and wizarding classes. A few examples would be a lesson that discusses the striking similarities between arithmancy and muggle astrology, or care of magical creatures and how it compares to muggle zoology, and of course the comparability of potions and muggle chemistry."

"That's absolutely ludicrous," I scoffed forgetting myself. "Those two subjects are completely different."

There was a tittering from the faculty that suggested they thought I was out of line, but they weren't willing to put their necks on the line when I had clearly demonstrated how much I hated them all throughout the year.

"Really Severus?" she said calmly and my blood boiled at her familiarity. "What pray tell is the big difference between brewing a potion to cure a headache and using chemistry to create and aspirin which will in fact cure a headache?"

"The principles are entirely different," I growled, rankling at the judgment in her speech no matter how smoothly she delivered it. "The sciences do not even belong in the same school let alone on the same syllabus."

"I disagree," she sniffed. "I think those two actually make the best comparative lesson as some of the preparations in such a medical product are actually quite similar no matter which world you choose to reside in."

"Yes you would know about picking and choosing how to live and in which world wouldn't you," I growled the piano string of my control pulling tight and preparing to snap.

"Severus that will be enough," Minerva chided.

"No its fine, let him bark," the witch said smoothly. "Obviously I cannot force you to do something you do not want to do Severus. It is not my area of expertise after all."

To anyone else in the room it would seem she was simply admitting that was the actual potions master after all, but I knew better. She was taking a stab at me once again for my rash decision. Did she think because we were amongst our peers that I wouldn't take the bait? She was sadly mistaken.

"Of course it isn't. You don't have an area of expertise do you?" I snipped. "In fact if I recall you are a drop out, it's a wonder anyone sought to hire you let alone in the field of education."

"Hey," Hagrid snapped but I did not spare him a look.

My eyes were focused on her, and the way anger had finally begun to burn in her eyes. _Doesn't feel good does it witch?_

"Well Hogwarts always has been a rather forgiving institution hasn't it," she said in a lofty voice, casually dragging her hand down her left forearm with a pointed look.

I had no recollection of moving, and yet suddenly I was beside her chair towering over her. The door was just feet from us, I should leave the room before I struck her in my anger, but I was so completely enveloped by my rage all I could think of is how great it would feel to shout at her.

"You'd know all about needing forgiveness wouldn't you witch," I shouted watching as first she flinched, but then she shot up out of her seat.

"You are certainly one to talk about forgiveness you brute," she shouted back as she places both hands on my chest and shoved me out of her personal space.

"Do not ever lay your hands upon me again," I ordered in a deadly voice before I brought my eyes back to hers. "I really never will understand your continued disrespect and quite frankly horrid behavior after I threw away five years of my life to put yours back together. After everything I've done you repay me by abandoning me in a fit of anger and then treating me like some first year you can bully into submission."

"You once _promised_ there would be no need of payment for what you did to me," she pointed out in a firm voice and I was sure that I was the only one who saw her lip tremble, unfortunately too far gone in my anger to truly care. "As for leaving, I've been trying for some time to apologize for what I did."

I vaguely noticed that the room was deadly still around us. Everyone was watching intently, but it felt as if they didn't exist as this fight spiraled away from the both of us.

"I don't care to hear your apology," I shouted back at her. "You've done a wrong that won't be undone. I won't forgive it."

"Well you raped my mind," she sneered at me. "So I'd say that would make us about even wouldn't you Snape?"

I literally saw red when she picked those words to describe what I did. I turned to leave, sweeping toward the door before I could truly hurt her. How dare she compare me to some sexual predator.

"Sure you can run," she called after me in a huff. "That will obviously solve everything."

Again my movement happened before I registered what I was doing. In a blink I was turned back around, and I was standing so closely that our bodies were nearly touching as I leaned in to whisper in her ear.

"You would know all about running wouldn't you Jean," I sneered.

"Is my name Jean," she asked me tilting her head just slightly to force me to meet her eyes. "Is it Hermione? Or is it perhaps demon?"

I froze at the word, what did she know about that? I wasn't moving, but she was, and the air left the room as I watched her reach up and pull the teaching robe off of her right shoulder revealing a deep purple bruise that wrapped over the top in a distinctive hand print. I nearly wretched on the floor as I staggered backward to put more space between us.

_No. NO. NO!_ It was all that went through my mind as I fled the staff room. In the back of my mind I registered a tingling in my chest and my anger attempted to flare at the idea that she had just cast a spell on me, but it drown in the roaring wave of fear and disgust at the realization that what I thought was a disturbing drunken dream had really happened.

I knew in that moment I didn't truly hate her. If I had hated her I wouldn't care that I had clearly hurt her. I wouldn't care that I had said such horrible things to her as she waited yet again outside of my quarters for me. I certainly wouldn't care that I had ground myself against and forced an unwelcome kiss on a rape victim who had blindly handed her trust to me.

No I didn't want her to be a part of my life. No I didn't want to be stuck with her at Hogwarts. But that? I would never wish something like what had happened in that hallway on any witch. Let alone on a witch that had been through what she had. I had behaved like a complete animal. How could she bare to be in the same room with me after something like that? Of one things I was absolutely certain, there was a person on this planet that I truly hated, but they did not go by the name of Hermione Jean Granger hey were called Severus Tobias Snape.


	21. Enough to feel the scream inside

**Be warned this chapter is the beginning of a dark turn that will be completed in the next chapter. Self Harm trigger warning ahead.  
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><p><em><strong>Songs for this chapter: Breathe Me by Sia and Drift by Emily Osment<strong>_

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

To say I needed to be away from her was an understatement. Something was tearing apart inside me and I needed to be away from everyone let alone my accuser. And she was right to accuse me; I had done a terrible wrong. Again I had taken someone that was important and I had torn at their deepest weakness. I had wounded her in a way that only someone who knew intimately what had happened to her. I hated myself more with each second. I wished desperately I could run away from myself as well.

I was at the gates by the time I heard footsteps behind me. My skill was certainly slipping, but I gave a brief peak over my shoulder and saw that it was her. Of course it was her. Why after everything, all the running, and what I had done, why would she follow me? I snapped my head forward so I wouldn't be forced to look at her, and quickened my pace to put me at the apparition point. I held my breath as I turned and felt my way into the darkness that was the void through which we travelled and went to the first place I could think off.

My chest warmed in a disturbing way as I was cracking into existence at Spinners End, but I spared it little thought when my eyes landed on the ruins of my home. Somehow in this wave of unnamable feelings that was bearing down on me I had forgotten that I had burned the place to the ground. God why had I done that? I had never been close to my father, but I had loved my mother no matter how callous she may have been, and I had burned her house to the ground. All of the heirlooms had still been in my bedroom! Was I losing my mind? I scoffed at my feelings of being set adrift as I had done it to myself in a fit of rage.

I didn't get the chance to try and decipher all of the emotion that was flowing through me because a crack announcing the appearance of another witch or wizard filled the air. I stayed long enough to take in the sight of her pushing her hair out of her face before I pulled myself once again into the void. Even if the house had been still standing, it had been stupid to go somewhere that was associated with me. She clearly felt some draw even after everything I had done to her, and I needed to erase that so I could not hurt her further. Apparently hurting others had somehow become my specialty.

I appeared on the bank of a river. It took me a moment to recognize it as the Seine. I had barely thought of a place to go, but France wasn't a good choice either. This opinion was affirmed by the realization that I still felt that strange warmth in my chest, and I heard yet another crack announcing that she had followed me. I needed to go somewhere she had never been, somewhere that she had no knowledge of me ever going. My mind raced to pick somewhere before she could approach me. I made a snap decision on picked Russian, twisting once again and pulling myself from her with magic.

I appeared at the sign that I knew would be heralding me into Asha if I could actually read Cyrillic. I wondered if I had heart burn as that heat still had not faded, while I began to walk into the town my mother used to speak of visiting in a time that she and my father had been happy. I made it about 100 feet before I heard the cracking again. I turned my back on the town looking to see that she had followed me here as well.

The self-hatred I was drowning in warred with anger at her when the pieces fell into place. So intent on finishing her argument with me she had used my own tactic against me. I hadn't realized when I had placed it on her, that the tracking spell had alerted her of the connection every time it alerted me to her location. Had she ever figured out that the warmth she felt in her chest each time she used magic was a signal that I would be coming? It was a bit impractical if a person were going to use the spell to track a criminal as they would know when you were coming.

That was a bit like what she was doing now wasn't it? Tracking a criminal, someone who had wronged her. Walking out on me seemed like dust in the wind in comparison to what I had done too her. Her own words told me how I had made her feel. I had re-victimized her, not just once. One two different occasions I had taken her back to that night forcefully. Maybe I should let her catch me, let her kill me, would that be what she wanted?

I let myself really look at her face as she walked through the strong wind closing the distance between us. Her face was constricted but it didn't seem to be in anger, concern perhaps? She did not have her wand drawn on me. Maybe she only wanted to yell some more. I couldn't face her yelling, not right now. But how to avoid her when she could follow me anywhere? I couldn't cancel the spell when she was the one who cast it, so what to do?

Hide in plain sight.

It was the only way to keep her from tracking me properly. And so before she could come any closer I turned once more, focusing my mind on a town that would be familiar for her. I left behind Asha and rushed through the void to Calais France. I worked in quick succession as I felt the swell of warmth in my chest when I appeared in an alley not too far from the shop she used to work at. Giving her the same view she would have already seen when my magic flashed my location to her, I cast a disillusionment charm followed by a notice me not charm. Then I slowly began to walk away from where I had been.

She appeared in the alley, looking around for where I was, but she did not see me. I suspected that she could sense my magic around her, but I had to hope she would think it was a lingering trace and not a spell that was still in effect. I continued moving slowly out of the alleyway, praying she wouldn't notice a faint shimmer when I turned the corner.

I struggled to focus my mind through everything that I was feeling, but I managed to make my way to the station where I could board a Chunnel train to escape her like she had done to me not so long ago. I kept my ears pricked for the sound of her following me, but I never heard it. I left the charms in effect while I snuck into a car on a train that would be leaving in just a few minutes to return to England. The plan came to me so easily it was as if I had already decided upon it ages ago. I would spend the summer at the Leaky Cauldron right in the hot spot for magic, the last place she would expect me to go, and certainly not on the top of the list of places she would like to be herself. Then I would refrain from doing magic until it was time to return to school. At which point I would spare one conversation with her to have her remove the trace, and allow her any yelling she may want to do before I requested that we not speak to each other again.

It was the best I could do with the situation we found ourselves in. She couldn't take back what she had done, and I could never make up for what I had done. All that was left was to cut our losses and attempt to make it through the one year that we would be forced to work together to some extent. When the year ended and I was free of my contract I would… well honestly I didn't know what I would do at that point. Drift somewhere I suppose. Maybe I would go to America, try to find a way to start over, try to become someone other than the monster that I am.

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><p>I spent the rest of that ride trying to decide my future but I never really settled on an answer. I waited for the car to slowly empty of the bodies that filled it, and when I found I could move freely without the risk of brushing against someone and starting a panic, I disembarked the train. I saw when I exited out of the station that night had fallen in London. Perfect. That would make this next part all the easier. I walked away from the station traveling further and further into a seedy neighborhood until I found what I was looking for.<p>

An alleyway between two buildings that were issuing no light. I walked deep into the alley until I found where it ended and a building blocked any light that might bleed in from the surrounding neighborhood. If I were to wave my hand in front of my face without a charm on it, I doubted I would see it. This was the place where I would do my last magic for the summer. I quickly removed both charms making myself visible in the pitch black night, and I waited. The warmth spread across my chest, and I knew that she had felt me cast the spell. I waited to see if she would risk venturing out to find me when the only flash she would have gotten would have been complete darkness.

I gave it a full ten minutes, standing there in the darkness, listening intently for the sound of her arrival. I breathed a sigh of relief when it did not come. When I was sure she wasn't coming, I walked out of the dark alley and began to slowly pluck my way toward the Leaky Cauldron. I was tired, and I would have liked to have taken a cab, but I didn't actually have any money on me at the moment, let alone muggle money. So unless I wanted to draw her too me once more, I was rather stuck.

I moved blindly toward my destination very rarely taking in the things I passed. As the night grew old the streets were emptying leaving behind only those who seemed to be up to no good. I probably should have felt at home with them, being the miscreant that I am, but I just felt even more alone. I had quite effectively cut away all the good in my life, so what right did I have to miss it now that it was gone?

I shook those thoughts out of my head as I pushed open the door to the little pub and let myself in. There were witches and wizards scattered about the room, but they didn't pay me much mind when I came in for which I was grateful. I went to the bar where I knew Tom would be found.

"The usual?" he asked me looking up from the glass he was wiping with a cloth.

"Not tonight," I told him, surprised by how quiet my voice had become. "I'd like a room, preferably with a bag of toiletries provided if you have them."

"For the night then?" he asked as he opened a key box behind the bar and looked through the rooms left available.

"No, I'll be staying for the duration of the summer Tom," I sighed. "I'll pay in advance as soon as Gringotts opens in the morning."

"Very well," he said quietly selecting a key that was in a group of dusty keys that didn't look like they left the box much. "You'll be on the top floor, let me know if you want the maid kept away."

"Thank you Tom," I nodded as I took the key from him and started to walk away.

I caught his surprised look before I turned my back on him. I guess it would be a bit of a surprise after the way I had acted the last time I was here. I would have to make an effort to be less unpleasant this time around. I would help that I wouldn't be drunk this time. No I wasn't sure I could bring myself to drink ever again now that I knew that hadn't been a dream.

I climbed slowly to the top floor and let myself into the dark room without bothering to light the lamps. I slumped down on the bed and began to really lay into myself over that memory. I played it over and over trying to understand the depth of what I had done. It was blurred and hard to follow, but I could see how she had to have been terrified of me.

She had been sleeping when I had grabbed her, I could remember that much clearly. There was a lapse between my grabbing her and the two of us standing, but even without seeing it, I assumed that was where I had bruised her probably dragging her to her feet like a brute. I had flashes of yelling at her while she bowed her head against my onslaught and I knew that I had called her a demon more than once. Why hadn't she run from me?

I played it again and again in my mind as I invaded her space, creating a cage around her with my body that forced her against the wall. Her breathing had accelerated, and I wondered how she managed not to scream or cry. No instead of screaming for a second she seemed relieved and she told me her name. Her true name, the one she had been unable to say for so long. Heartache mingled with my mental lashing when I remembered how I had reacted to her speaking the truth. Using it as further proof that I was right, and launching into a physical attack upon her person.

My brain froze on the image of my body pressed tightly against her. Her knees were buckled, her hands searching for purchase on the wall, as she tiled her head away from me and whimpered when I kissed her neck. My chest felt as if it might actually tear in two when I thought about how afraid she must have been in that moment. And then I had the audacity to accuse her of liking it. What the hell was wrong with me? I let the image of her nearly collapsing as I finally freed her from my attack, panting for breath, and likely trying to discern the best way to make a run for it loop in my mind as I buried my face in the pillow choking on sobs that wanted to break free of me. My eyes burned and I knew I was going to give in and cry, but I fought against it. I didn't deserve to cry right now. I should let her find me, beg her to just end me. But I didn't even deserve that did I? No I deserved the things I felt right now. I deserved worse than that.

My body went into autopilot when it seemed to realize that I was not going to allow it to cry. I made no conscious decision and yet I was climbing out of bed and going into the bathroom instead of wallowing in the bed. I felt hazy, and there was a buzzing in my ears like I had just heard a very loud sound and the vacuum of sound was assaulting my ears. My fingers fumbled as I manually lit a candle by the mirror and my arms were shaking as I reached for the bag of toiletries that Tom had likely magicked into the bathroom for me.

That was when my brain kicked back into gear and I understood what I was doing. It had been years since I had sought a release, and I honestly thought I would never do it again. But as the black bag fell open in my hands and I saw the safety razor sitting there, the metal of the blade winking at me in the candle light I knew I would do it. I thought of nothing other than releasing the weight in my chest as I deftly removed the clear plastic cap and snapped the head of the blade off of the stem that held it, quickly releasing the razor blade from its confines.

I almost felt better just holding the blade in my, but I knew that I needed this or I was going to truly lose it and go out looking for my old companion Mexican mud. I set the blade on the lip of the sink while I rapidly shed my frock coat and allowed my black trousers to pool at my feet. I took a seat on the closed toilet lid and hiked up the leg of my boxers until my inner thigh was exposed. I barely spared a glance at the faded white lines that were already nestled away there as I reached my now steady hand out to take the blade once more.

I held my breath through the first one, my chest unmoving as I pressed the sharp edge into my skin until the slight sting turned into a burning ache. I drug the blade back cutting a thin red line, and released my shaking breath as the blood began to bead up along the line. It helped, but it wasn't enough. I made a second and third line before I felt calm enough to release my fingers. The blade clattered on the tile splattering the blood that had collected on it along the base of the sink. My breathing slowly returned to normal, the weight in my chest lightening, as I watched the blood from the three thin lines run together and begin to cut a trail down my thigh.

When the blood began to drip onto the floor I started moving again. It wouldn't do to get blood all over my bathroom. I wetted down a bit of toilet paper and quickly cleaned the blood that had already moved before pressing it against the bleeding cuts. I glanced into the bag of toiletries and saw that there were no first aid items, so I resigned to simply waiting it out as I could not use magic to conjure a bit of gauze.

I changed out the toilet paper to a dry wad when the bleeding had slowed a bit, and held that there until the blood flow had stopped. It would take time for the cuts to scab and heal, but for now they should at least be done with releasing blood onto the floor. I replaced my pants and set to work cleaning up the bathroom. When I had wiped all the blood up from the floor, thrown away the broken pieces of the safety razor, and put the bag of toiletries away I went back into the bedroom and slumped onto the bed once more. Properly numbed, it didn't take long for me to fall into a deep sleep.


	22. The sufferer should never know

**This may be one is a bit twisted. Read at your own peril.**

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><p><em><strong>Song for this chapter: Pompeii by E.S. Posthumus<strong>_

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

The next morning I went into Diagon Alley and I withdrew the proper amount of money to pay Tom in advance for what would be a rather long stay for me. I felt that creeping feeling along my spine as I moved about the other witches and wizards bustling between store fronts. I was certain that there was someone watching me, if not following me. I stamped down the crawling feeling in my skin and looked around to see if I saw Hermione anywhere. She didn't seem to be around, and the feeling stopped when I entered the dark pub.

I shook the feeling from my mind and sequestered Tom at the empty end of the bar so we could settle up for the summer. It was rather simple business, though I had expected him to have me sign some sort of paperwork over the whole ordeal. I mean I was going to take up residence for eleven and a half weeks after all. He simply took my money and asked for specific instructions on how I wanted to approach housekeeping and meals and that sort of thing. When we had established that a once a week visit for housekeeping would suffice and I assured him that I would see to my own meals, I left him at the bar and retreated to the room that would be my home this summer.

I spent the evening alone in my room staring into the grate of the fireplace that I was rather certain hadn't been there the night before thinking about everything that had brought me to this point in my life. I oscillated between that spot staring at meager flames, and on that porcelain seat in the washroom once again cutting out those very thoughts.

I was prepared to settle in to that routine each night. I had let go of nearly all thought of the world that existed outside of my hotel room. I was occasionally reminded of it when my stomach would assert its presence and remind me that I needed to eat something. For the first week of my stay I ate any meal that I took down at the bar. It allowed me to stay within the bubble I had created, and not once during any of those meals did I feel that strange creeping sensation in my spine again. I felt rather certain that Hermione was still too overwhelmed by magic to enter the pub, and I was relieved. I was not ready for that conversation yet, I wasn't really ready for any conversation if I was being truthful so I was glad that the other diners in the pub seemed to be afraid of me and kept their distance.

By a week in to my stay I had grown a bit tired of the split pea soup from the bar and though a large part of me would have liked to have stayed locked up in my room, but as the sun began to set on Sunday night I did finally venture my way back out into Diagon Alley to find a meal.

It was a mistake. A mistake that in the height of the war, when my nerves were as tight as piano wires and I was constantly vigilant I never would have made.

No sooner had the brick archway formed allowing me to step through into the semi deserted street the creeping sensation was back in my spine. I looked around in the twilight, seeking out the face that was watching me so intently, but no one even seemed to be looking at me. I should have turned around and suffered through the bloody soup once more, but I kept on, writing off the feeling as a bit of insanity on my part. I made it a few steps further before my shadow revealed itself, and I found myself facing Peter Pettigrew though there seemed to be something different about him.

"Severus Snape," he sneered, drawing his wand on me and holding it right in my face.

There was the difference, the wand was holding steady. All of his incessant shaking had gone; he was standing tall and emanating a power that had not been there before. My instinct was to draw my wand and show him that he would always be the sniveling rat of our youth, but my hand stilled on its path to where my wand was nestled against my thigh. If I were to cast any spell right now, it would draw Hermione right to me, right to Peter.

The moment's hesitation was another mistake. With a quick flick of the wrist I found myself in a full body bind. Pettigrew swept forward before I could topple off balance, and closed his nasty little hand around my arm. Just like that I was struck with the dizzying feeling that accompanied being slide along in apparition to an unknown location. My stomach writhed as if it had snakes in it, but thankfully I did not vomit upon arrival.

I had a brief moment to look at my surroundings and take in that we were in a suburban home that looked to be one of a family. Then the world went black around me and everything was gone.

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><p>When I awoke I realized two things. One, the little rat had stunned me, and two, I was tied to a chair and unable to move. He stood before me, his arms folded coolly behind him, and I hardly recognized the man before me. His face was still mouse like, and his hair was still atrociously bushy and balding at the same time, but other than that he was an entirely different man. He was dressed smartly in a black muggle suit and there was a new coldness in his eyes.<p>

"Severus Snape, your treachery destroyed an empire," he spoke calmly and quietly, drawing my eyes to him. "You took many things away from those of us who truly followed our master, and someone has to make you pay."

I did not respond, there was not point. I wasn't here because he wanted to hear what I had to say about it all. No he wanted a chance to speak _at_ me before he did whatever it was he was planning to do. There wasn't a thing I could do to stop him either with my body bound and my wand peeking out of his jacket pocket.

"You didn't get a chance to realize the great chance that had been bestowed upon me before you brought it all down," he smiled. "But I shall tell you now. Did you know our master was teaching me to be a mast legilimens?"

Again I did not answer, and he went on without it.

"You know as well as I from our days in school that I was never great shakes at spells or potions. I never found my niche," he went on. "Until a few years ago that is. You see, I'm a bit of an artist when it comes to the mind. In my last lesson, I successful disrupted all of the defenses of the mind of Lord Voldemort himself and made it as far as to implant a false memory within his mind. I was both tortured and honored for my accomplishment, but I never stopped learning and practicing. Even after my master as gone I have continued to hone my skill for this very moment."

For the first time tonight I felt an actual thrill of fear race down my spine. If he was telling the truth I was in trouble. I began to focus my mind attempting to reconstruct years of defensive layers so I might be as ready for an invasion as I had been in the height of the war.

"I knew you would be a challenge, your mind sharp enough to elude our master, but I am ready for you Severus," he said as he stepped forward so we were just a foot apart and he drew his wand. "I may not be able to bring him back again, but I can certainly unhinge the mind of the man responsible for sending him to the grave."

I raised my chin in defiance as the steely calm settled over me. I was ready. I could brave any pain he might try to cause me while riffling through my mind. I. Was. Ready.

He cast the spell nonverbally, and the second he entered my mind I knew I was in trouble. Oh the vast lake I had created within my mind with which to submerge anything I did not want someone else to find was still present, but it was roiling like a pot of water brought to boil. I pushed with my mind, attempting to force him back out, but it was like pressing against a stone wall, it never moved but I grew steadily more tired. I could feel his laughter so strongly it was as if I was actually shaking with it.

Then we plunged beneath the surface of the lake, and he used my own defense mechanism against me. My lungs felt as if they were filling with water as he drug me deeper and deeper the eerie blue of the water growing darker and darker until we were in complete darkness. That's when he made his first strike, he pulled up a memory, but he did not allow me to see it, only to feel it. I felt the pain of a thousand knifes as my body was wracked by the cruciatus curse. It felt as if it was happened right now. He did not distance me from it as I had done for Hermione, and somehow taking away all of my senses except for that of feeling made the pain seem so much worse

I do not know how long he kept me under that water, but when we emerged from my mind into the living room once more night had fallen around us. I could feel my breath coming in short pants, but I quickly quieted it and school it to a more regular rhythm. Pain was pain, I could survive this just like I had for years before this. I tried to reason with myself that it was almost better this way, I would not suffer from the after effects of the curse as it wasn't actually being cast on me. Assuming I found a way to survive this encounter of course.

"Yes I remember Severus Snape and his infamous stiff upper lip," Wormtail sneered. "Tell me did Granger have a stiff upper lip when you made her relive her torture?"

I didn't dare speak. How much had he scene in that brief moment that I thought of her while he was in my mind? Just how much had I given away?

"Oh that scared you a bit didn't it?" he laughed a deep rolling laugh as he watch what little color I had drain out of my face. "That's all the confirmation I needed on your feelings. Again shall we?"

Why he bothered to ask I didn't know. I could not stop him from entering my mind, he had already demonstrated that quite clearly. We tumbled again into my mind, but this time the water had gone. I had no defense against him as he began to rifle. Image after image flew by as he brought himself up to speed on the relationship that had developed between Hermione and me. He slowed down on the memories where she was crying, and I felt his sick pleasure at the sight of it. I also felt his reaction to my pain at the sight of it. He knew exactly how I felt about her, the question was what was he going to do about it.

I thought he would force me to watch the memory that I had gained from Lucius Malfoy, force me to relieve the greatest pain I had ever seen him in. I attempted to prepare myself for how horrible it would be. I was floored when what he brought into my mind was not a memory at all. It was a creation, a false memory that he was nestling into my mind

_Hermione was sitting on the pillow across from me. I could tell that we had just broken the mental connection between us. Unlike so many times before she was not upset as she looked back at me. She was smiling, and it was a glorious smile that lit up her entire being._

"_Thank you Severus," she gushed at me. "I love you so much."_

_My heart soared at her words._

"_I love you too Hermione," I answered eagerly, excited by the feeling of something as pure and innocent as falling in love with someone who loved you back._

"_Will you hold me?" she asked me, crawling off of her pillow toward me. "Just for a little while?"_

"_For as long as you want," I promised her as I opened my arms to invite her into my embrace._

_It was bliss. She was seated in my lap, wrapped up in my arms. Her warmth was mingling with mine and it felt like the sun was shining down on us. She hummed gently and I rocked us back and forth simply enjoying the peace and contentment that surrounded us. I could not remember a time I had felt so whole._

And just like that it was gone. The connection between our minds was broken, and all the good feelings that had seeped into me were stripped away and replaced with horrible mind numbing pain. I bucked against the restraints that held me to the chair as he held me under the cruciatus curse. I cried, great suffocating tears, as it went on. There were no defenses left to me after something like that. Never before had I been so completely happy and he stripped it way and replaced it with this killing pain.

"Again," he growled, and he released me from the curse, but the pain didn't really stop.

"_Won't you kiss me Severus," Hermione pouted at me as she swung lazily around the lamp pole to bring herself closer to me._

_She looked so beautiful with the amber light dancing on her hair and in her eyes. I reached out to grab hold of her scarlet scarf and pulled her close to me. The world seemed to slow down as I closed the last little bit of distance between us, and pressed my lips against her. She tasted like cherries, and her lips were so soft._

_I basked in the love that she poured into that kiss, and I met her with my own enthusiastically. I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her tightly to me, unwilling to have any distance between the two of us. This was just what I needed. To be loved. To be allowed to show her my life. My heart had ached for just this for more years than I cared to count._

"_If I knew you'd kiss me like that I'd have started begging sooner," she chuckled as she pulled away and lay her head over my heart._

"_I love you," I sighed as I tangled my fingers up in her curly hair._

He didn't let me hear her say those words again before he snapped me back to reality, and once again I was thrashing. I bit nearly clean through my tongue and I tasted the rusty flavor of my blood mixing with the salt of my tears. I could hear my own cries in my ears, but I could do nothing to stop them. What was the point? It would never stop.

"Again," he yelled, and the thrashing stopped as we slipped once again into the mind that I could no longer claim ownership over.

_I was lying in bed, a sheet draped casually over my hips. I could feel the cotton touching my skin and I became aware of the fact that I was naked. I felt a dainty set of fingers trailing up my arm, and I realized there must be someone in the bed with me._

"_Wake up sleepy head," a cheery voice greeted me, and I turned my head to the side to take her in._

_She was so beautiful with her curly brown hair falling haphazardly over her shoulders. She was watching me with warm brown eyes, and a smile playing on her lips. One hand was continuing its tickling journey on my arm and the other was holding the sheet up around her chest._

"_You don't really want to sleep do you Severus?" she asked, and without her eyes focusing on mine while she said it I wouldn't have realized she was talking to me. _

_Was that my name? Severus? I tried to tell her that I didn't know here, but my mouth seemed to have a mind of its own._

"_Oh I think I could be convinced to do something other than sleep Hermione," my voice said, though I never felt my mouth move._

_I reached out and pulled the sheet away exposing her rather exquisite chest. I couldn't help but stare as a flush crawled down over the tops of her breasts. She never moved to cover them from me, instead reaching out to take my hand and place it over her._

"You like this don't you," a man's voice sneered at me, but I found myself unable to open my eyes and look to see who it was.

The pain was staggering. I could feel that I had wet myself from it, and I wondered if it would ever end.

"Please," I begged him. "Please stop. I'll do whatever you want, just stop this."

"You don't get it do you?" the man sneered. "This, right here, is exactly what I want."

_I was standing on a small stage. There was a man standing by me holding a bible. I looked around and saw that I was in a church, and the pews were full of smiling people. I recognized some of their faces, but I couldn't seem to place any names._

_A swell of music began, and the doors at the front of the aisle that lead to where I stood opened. Bright sunlight poured in, and for a moment I could not see who was walking through. But then she came, and I would know that face anywhere. She was so beautiful, even with the scar that curled up toward her eye. She cut a striking figure in her white silk gown and she seemed to glide as she walked toward me._

_My Hermione, I sighed as she closed the distance between us, and took my hands._

I fell suddenly out of the memory, but this time I was not immediately greeted with the pain I had been expecting. The man who had stood before me was engaged in a battle with a beautiful woman. I tried to watch as my head lulled to the side, they cast spell after spell at one another bright lights exploding in the air around us.

The man fell, and she took his weapon from him. I allowed my eyes to drift closed when she turned towards me. Either she would kill me or save me. It didn't matter anymore. As long as the pain stopped or those memories kept going I would be happy.

"Severus, wake up," I heard as a tugging sensation on my wrists kept me from slipping into the darkness that was hovering on the edges of my mind.

"Severus," the voice said again, and it sounded like she was crying.

I felt my body fall, and it hurt in a distant way, but I found I couldn't care. I drug my tired eyes open and I saw that I was crumpled on the ground, and this woman was attempting to pull me into her arms. I looked at her arms, and I saw a scar that flickered as familiar in my mind. I felt rage when I read what it said, and I understood who this woman was.

"Why did you bother," I asked her as I realized it was Hermione who had wrapped me up into her arms and was trying to pull me up off of the floor.


	23. It is better to risk saving a guilty man

**This should be the last of the darkness.**

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><p><em><strong>Songs for this chapter: Time by Hans Zimmer and More Than Life by Whitley<strong>_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

I followed him all the way to Russia before he figured it out. I knew he must have figured it out, because while the next flash lead me to France he didn't seem to actually be there. I could sense his magic around me, it felt like it was crawling into my very pores, but he was nowhere to be found. He had figured out that I put a trace on him, and he had tricked me into going somewhere he wasn't. What more could I have expected really? He hated me, and didn't want anything to do with me. Of course he wouldn't want to be around me.

The fight had been stupid. I knew how he felt about me, but I goaded him anyway. I could have easily just agreed to not pair the two subjects, or simply taught the comparative lesson on my own. I know enough about potions that I didn't need to have that fight, but I had done it anyway. To what, get a rise out of him?

I gave up on France and focused my mind on the apparition point near the Burrow. With a crack I found myself on the path that would lead me to what I now thought of as home, and I let my mind wander. I think I had wanted to fight with him a bit. I was hurt over what had happened in that dungeon corridor and I think I wanted him to hurt a bit as well. But that was childish and wrong. Yes I had a bruise, but did it warrant causing the look I had seen in his eyes as he staggered away from me at the sight of it?

From what I saw in his eyes, in that moment that he left himself unguarded, I knew without a shadow of a doubt he had never meant to do that to me. I even wondered if he had thought that had all been a dream of some sort. Between that, and the way I made it sound like he had hurt me when he invaded my mind, I would be surprised if he ever so much as looked at me let alone spoke with me.

The wording was poor. He had hurt me in a way when he had invaded my mind, but it hadn't been like he was raping me. I never should have phrased it that way, but again in the heat of anger I lashed out to hurt him. Well congratulations Hermione, you got exactly what you wanted.

"Hey," Molly called as she pushed open the garden door to usher me in. "Long day up at the castle? I didn't think you'd be gone the whole day to accept the job offer."

"Minerva invited me to attend the staff meeting this evening," I offered as explanation as I stepped out of the gloom and into the kitchen, noting how it felt weird to use my old teachers first name.

I gasped and reached for the counter as my chest tingled and for a moment I lost my vision. I recognized the feeling in my chest as the activation of the spell, but the flash of his supposed location was discombobulating. It was nothing but darkness. Had he somehow severed our connection?

"Hermione," Molly gasped, reaching out to grab my arm and steady me. "Are you okay?"

"Uh yeah," I breathed, not sure if I wanted to tell her what I had done. "Just a little light headed is all."

"When did you last eat?" she asked, bustling over to start whipping up something to eat.

"Uhm, I grabbed a bite of lunch in Hogsmeade when I was picking up a set of teaching robes, and putting in an order for more." I said, wondering if maybe I really was just hungry and that hadn't been what I thought it was. "I probably do just need something to eat."

"Well you just sit tight while I throw together a sandwich," she smiled before going back to work. "Now tell me about your day."

"Well Minerva seemed very excited that I accepted the job offer, and she seemed to really like my ideas about what I would like to do with the class," I told her with a smile. "Also, I've discovered that I like teaching robes much better than I liked my robes as a student. I used to always feel like I was running around in a bathrobe before."

"They do look nice on you sweetheart," she laughed from the stove, probably imagining me running around in a pink fluffy robe. "Should you be declaring your house loyalty so loudly though? I mean now that you are a teacher don't you have to be more neutral?"

"You're right," I chuckled. "Minerva was even talking about how she wants to work on inter-house unity today at the meeting. The other robes that I ordered are in blacks, greys, and whites so they stay nice and neutral. But when I saw these in the shop I just had to have them you know?"

"I can certainly see why, they are gorgeous Hermione," she said as she sat the bulky sandwich in front of me before taking a seat herself. "So why did the meeting go so late?"

"It didn't," I sighed after taking a bite from my sandwich. "I'm late getting home because I was busy having another row with Severus."

"That man," she sighed.

"No, honestly it was me this time," I groaned. "I was awful to him. He ended up running away from me after some of the things I said."

"Just give it time sweetheart," she said as she patted my hand.

She left me to eat my dinner and went upstairs. She was probably going to tell Arthur that I had fought again. I sighed and focused only on the sandwich. I didn't want to think about the fight. I didn't want to think about how familiar the running was. I certainly didn't want to think about what that blackness meant.

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><p>I tried to settle into a routine once more the next day, but I was just too anxious to do it. I was anxious about things between Severus and I. I was anxious about stepping back into the world in such a prominent way. And I was nervous about my NEWT results. If I were a normal student I would have to wait until the end of summer to find out how I had done. But I wasn't a normal student, and I was expecting my results any day now. The funniest part of the situation was that I wasn't even waiting for a muggle studies result. I had dropped the class ages ago, and yet here I was preparing to teach it. How things change with time…<p>

It took three days, but my results did finally come with the morning post. I sat with the letter in my hand while Molly bustled around me in the kitchen frying potatoes while Arthur read the paper. It wasn't like the bit of parchment was going to bite me, but I found myself afraid to open it and read what it said.

"It's not a howler," Arthur said lightly from behind his paper, and I began to suspect he wasn't actually reading.

Were they as nervous about the results as I was? I suppose the results would reflect on their teaching as much as it reflected on my intelligence. I sighed, and finally tore open the results. I skipped over the letter that lead up to the results, I didn't need ministry fluff, I just needed to know how I had done.

_Ancient Runes - Outstanding_

_Arithmancy - Outstanding_

_Astronomy - Outstanding_

_Care of Magical Creatures – Exceeds Expectations_

_Charms - Outstanding_

_Defense Against the Dark Arts - Exceeds Expectations_

_Herbology - Outstanding_

_History of Magic - Outstanding_

_Potions - Acceptable_

_Transfiguration – Outstanding_

Honestly, they were better than I could have expected. I had gotten all ten of my NEWTS even if potions turned out to be the worst exam score I had earned in my entire education both wizarding and Muggle. I suppose it served me right not giving it a proper study before the test. I should have given it a better go, even if I couldn't get Severus to help me study. I didn't expect much better with Defense Against the Dark Arts as it was my biggest weakness when it came to spells. Care of Magical Creatures surprised me, but then again I had never really been keen on the subject so I tried not to beat myself up.

"Well I did manage to wrangle seven outstanding scores," I smiled. "All thanks to you guys. Thank you for all of your help."

"Good job!" Molly cheered. "We knew you would do well. You always do."

"They are good scores," I agreed lightly. "Though I wonder what I will say if a student ever asks what score I got on my exams for Muggle Studies."

"Tell them that no test score could compare to twenty-two years of practical education into the world of muggles," Arthur said as he folded his paper and looked over at me. "And if they don't believe you, show them how plugs and batteries work and I am sure that will win them over."

"Not everyone loves plugs quite as much as you Arthur," I laughed. "But maybe I can win them over by showing them a laptop. Speaking of, I need to start looking into a few of those things."

I stole Arthur's paper, and made my way up to what I was actually started to think of as my bedroom.

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><p>I spent the next few days attempting to focus on procuring a laptop and an entertainment system, but my mind kept wandering to the tall dark hair wizard who had somehow fallen off of my radar. How had he severed the connection when I was the one to cast the spell? And if he hadn't, then how was he keeping me from seeing him at all? Surely the man who used magic subconsciously hadn't cut it out of his life entirely? No he must have found a way to break my spell.<p>

I was warring with my mind, attempting to force myself to think only of the house I wished to rent in Hogsmeade for my extended lessons, when my thoughts continually circled back to that look on his face when he turned look at me in Russia. It was an image that stuck with me, plagued my mind. His face seemed so pained as he looked back at me, and I knew that I was the one that had put that pain there.

I was still locked on that image of his face when a sudden flare of tingles radiated through my chest, and I suddenly found myself watching a swirl of color. It was twisting and turning, and I understood as it faded from my mind that I had just seen apparition which could not give me a location. I sat bolt upright in from where I had been lounging on the bed. The connection was still there!

I waited. Would he do more magic? Should I go to him if he let on what his location was? I was still questioning it, but I was hit again with an image as my chest tingled with magic. A sitting room, white walls, a ceramic fireplace, pictures on the mantle. It was gone before I could get any more detail, but something tugged at my mind when I saw that image. Where was he?

A third flare in my chest, and this time the image of the room was nearly blocked by the face of a man leaning in to force eye contact with Severus. The image faded, but it seemed burned into my retinas. He looked different now, but I would remember the little rat from my third year no matter what he chose to wear. Why was Severus with Wormtail?

Whatever was happening reached some sort of pitch, and I was bombarded with image after image, the tingle never leaving my chest. Whatever spell was being cast was either being cast over and over again, or being forcefully held in place, constantly triggering the tracking spell. My gut twisted, as the view I saw shifted just slightly each time I was hit with it. Severus was moving, but not enough to make a difference. Somehow I knew without being able to see him that he was unable to move properly.

_The tracking spell, once place will allow the holder to feel a connection anytime their target uses Magic. As it is likely a target will learn not to use magic, the spell was altered in 1749 by Hans Gutenberg to activate when magic is used upon the target by another source._

The passage from the book came unbidden into my mind, and I understood. Wormtail was casting a spell on Severus. And Severus could not move much, so he was likely bound in some way. I focused my mind once more, my vision full of his location, and I tried to decipher where he was.

The image tilted so I was seeing everything as the floor was a wall, and the wall that had been on my left was now the ceiling. The tingle stopped and slowly the image faded out of my mind, but not before I got a better look at the silver frame holding a picture on the mantle above the fire place. Of course, I thought as I fought not to vomit in my own lap. That white ceramic had tugged at my memory because I had seen it so many times before. And that was a picture of me sitting on the mantle.

I knew I should go to him. I knew somehow deep in my heart that he was being tortured. But he was there. He was in the place that had once been my home, but was now the scene of the crime. The living room he was in was just feet from where my parents had died, where a part of me had died. Could I really go to him there?

The tingling flared in my chest once more, and I was barraged with the flickering images that told me again that he was being held under a spell for a long period of time. The angle seemed to change more rapidly and I nearly did vomit when I realized his head was jerking around uncontrollably.

"Oh God," I cried, staggering to my feet though I was blind of my surroundings with the image of his location blocking my vision.

I didn't want to go, I was terrified, but I was certain he was being tortured. I had to go. I fumbled blindly along the side of the bed, and reached out for the bedside table. I heard my drinking glass crash to the floor and shatter, but I paid it no mind fumbling around until my fingers closed around my wand. Still the images did not cease, so I had to stumble my way toward the door of my room as well. I felt the broken glass tear at the flesh of my bare feet but I didn't stop to try and pick my way around it. The longer my vision stayed away the more worried I became. There simply wasn't time to look for my shoes. I was just staggering out of the room when my eyes cleared once more. I took in a concerned looking Arthur stepping into the hall, staring at me.

"Are you okay? You don't look well," he said stepping fully into the hallway and moving toward me. "I heard breaking glass. Are you bleeding?"

I didn't even try to answer his questions, I just turned toward the stairs and began to run down them. Halfway down the last flight my vision was filled with my childhood home and the face of Wormtail. I missed a step and crashed to the bottom. It hurt, and I probably looked awful, but I couldn't see anything either way. I drug myself back up to my feet, and plowed into the kitchen praying I could make it to the door without seriously injuring myself.

"Hermione, what are you doing?" Molly asked as I felt my shins crash into something hard.

"I can't see," I shouted at her. "Point me outside please."

"What's happening?" Molly asked, grasping my shoulders. "Do you need a doctor?"

"No, just point me outside," I groaned, attempting to walk forward on my own and hitting my hip against what I thought might be the stove.

Just when I felt the stone of the porch under my feet I regained my vision. I got enough of a flash of the world around me to line myself up with the open gate, and then it was gone. I staggered blindly toward that opening in the fence as I saw a blurred version of my old home. He was crying.

I ran attempting to guide myself by the feel of the ground beneath my feet. Stone turned to grass, and grass turned to dirt. When dirt turned to gravel I knew I had made it to the road and I focused my mind on the home that was filling my vision. I put everything I had into making it to that location and then I threw myself into the void with a slight turn to the left.

For the first time the experience was not full of blackness, as the image of Severus's location was still filling my mind. It made me that much more sick when I tumbled to the ground and my face landed in a familiar yard of grass. I swallowed the bile climbing up my throat and staggered to my feet once more, and just as I tripped over the walkway my vision returned to me once more.

I dashed forward, throwing open the front door with the hand that did not hold my wand. I stepped inside and I was immediately met with the sound of Severus crying. My heart dropped into my stomach as I heard him begging.

"Please," he said hoarsely, his words slurred and somehow wet sounding. "Please stop. I'll do whatever you want, just stop this."

I snuck forward quickly, my wand arm shaking as I rounded the corner from the foyer and made my way into that hallway.

"You don't get it do you?" Wormtail sneered evilly. "This, right here, is exactly what I want."

I was halfway down the hall when the sight of the walls so close to me disappeared and instead I just saw the living room again. I pressed my hand against the wall, following a path I had known for years, had walked in the dark many times when sneaking cookie after bedtime. If he had been anywhere else I might never have found him without my sight, but I knew this house.

Soon, my hand found that raised plank of wood that preceded the open doorway into the living room. I threw myself blindly around the corner, and suddenly I saw myself. Beyond the face of Wormtail which was bearing down on Severus, I saw myself stagger into the room. It was disconcerting, and certainly hard to aim my wand while in a perspective that was outside my body, but I did it. I brought my shaking arm around until I could see from Severus's vantage point that it was pointed directly at Wormtail. I silently cast a stinging hex at the man's back, and it broke his concentration on his invasion of the other man's mind.

I got my sight back just in time to see a very angry Wormtail turn on me. I tightened my grip on my wand, and prepared to use magic I had avoided vehemently since that summer that had so drastically altered my life.

It was a surprisingly silent battle, both of us casting silent spells at one another. Red light flashed as he attempted to stun me, and white as I cast a shield to protect myself. Fuchsia as I tried to disarm him and deep yellow as he parried my charm with a hex that blasted a hole in the wall when it was knocked off target by my spell.

I ducked with a ray of green light shot toward my face and I felt a sudden rage. He went for the killing curse? Not on my watch. Three rapid flashes of red as I cast stunner after stunner. The first missed, the second hit mark causing him to rock back his eyes rolling into his head. The third hit as well and he fell hard onto the ground. A black surging from my wand as ropes issued and bound him. I leaned forward, and quickly snatched his wand from his hands, coughing as the dust and plaster filled air choked me. It seemed hotter in the room, and the lighting was off with remnants of magic still lingering.

I turned to look at Severus and I saw that his head had lolled over onto his shoulder and his eyes were closed. He almost looked peaceful with his long black eyelashes fluttering against his cheek, but he was anything but. His face was still wet from his tears, and there was blood dripping from the corner of his mouth. I could smell urine on him and I knew he must have been tortured for a long time to have lost control of his bowls like that.

"Severus wake up," I called to him as I unbound his wrists.

With each coil of rope I released I reveal more torn and bloody flesh. He had been bound tightly and he had struggled to free himself. I didn't know if I was going to be sick or burst into tears.

"Severus," I called to him again, feeling the first of the tears start to fall down my cheeks.

Crying it was I supposed, though I wasn't sure vomiting was out of the question when I attempted to pull him up from the chair and he slid out of my grasp collapsing in a heap on the ground. He looked like a discarded doll, but clotting blood fell from his mouth staining the carpet though his eyes remained closed. His eyes opened as I reached out to delicately pull him into my lap. The rage that burned in them frightened me.

"Why did you bother," he coughed, splattering blood on my shorts and legs.

"Who else would come after a bastard like you," I ground out, lashing out when he hurt me with his words.

How dare he speak to me like that when I had come to this house of all places to save him? His eyes fluttered closed once more, and my anger left me as soon as it had come. Of course he was lashing out he was hurt badly. I'd have done the same thing.

"Because I love you idiot," I sighed, and pulled him tightly against my lap and apparated us away from that house.

I could think of nowhere else to go, so I took us back to Molly. We appeared just in front of the white gate, and she was still standing in the yard. She nearly screamed when she saw us and ran out to meet us while shouting for Arthur over her shoulder.

"He needs medical care," I choked out, only now realizing just how hard I was crying. "I've left Peter Pettigrew unconscious and bound at my old house. He was torturing him Molly."

"How did you know," she asked me, as she and Arthur delicately pulled him from my arms and onto a stretcher that Arthur had conjured.

"The tracking spell, I could see where he was," I offered as explanation while I looked down at my lap. My legs were stained with his blood, my hip wet where he had wept on me. I could see now that my feet were lacerated and bleeding badly. My right foot still had a shard of glass sticking out from it, and they were both caked with dirt and grime from running on them while they were wet with my blood. I could feel myself shaking profusely, but I struggled to try and bring myself under control.

"He needs the hospital," I choked out once more.

"So do you dear," Arthur said, and he moved slowly to pick me up off the ground as Molly wrapped one hand firmly around the side of the stretcher and the other around her husband's elbow. She turned, and pulled us along with her as she apparated to St. Mungos. I got one last glance at the now unconscious Severus before I was whisked away, still in Arthur's arms, by a short blonde nurse.

I didn't dare say it out loud, but I wanted to go wherever they were taking Severus. I didn't want to be separated from him. He might still hate me, but I loved him, and I was afraid that the broken man who looked so small on the stretcher was the last sight I would get of him. What if he died while I was being treated, there seemed to be an unhealthy amount of blood coming from his mouth, there could have been internal damage.

I wanted to go with him, and look after him, more than I cared about getting my injuries healed. I wanted it more than I cared about living myself, and that scared me. I could not let myself care for him so, I would only end up hurting more. As Arthur set me gently on the bed, and my healer set to work trying to fix my feet, I tried to find some way to erect a wall in my heart that would protect me from what I felt for that man who hated me.


	24. There is no remedy for love but to love

_**Song for this chapter: Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve**_

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

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><p><em>Because I love you idiot.<em> And then the darkness took me.

_Because I love you idiot._

_I love you idiot._

_Idiot. Idiot. Idiot._

I felt awareness slowly creep into me, but I did not open my eyes. I just reflected on that last thing I heard her say to me before everything had slipped away. Surely she hadn't realized I would hear her, or she wouldn't have bothered to contradict her previous statement. Could it be true? Those words that she uttered when she thought I couldn't hear her changed everything. Could she truly feel the same way I did?

I opened my eyes, expecting to see her waiting at my bedside, but she wasn't there. The chair beside my bed was filled by Minerva, the only person who would still stand beside this bastard. My heart ached as I wondered if I had imagined that last sentence.

"How are you feeling?" she asked at the same time that I asked, "Where is Hermione?"

"She's gone to the ministry to give testimony on what she witnessed as well as what she did," she explained while I answered, again at the same time. "Like death warmed over."

"We wondered when you would come all the way around," she said quietly reaching out to grasp my hand.

I probably should have pulled my hand away, it was what was expected of me, but I found myself craving that small comfort.

"What do you mean?" I asked her quietly.

"This makes the sixth time you've woken up," she told me looking away toward the window where night was falling. "But it's the first time that you seem to be in your right mind."

I remained silent. I didn't want to know what I might have done or said. Lord only knew what I was thinking after that assault on my mind and my body.

"The first time you woke, she was here, but it was too much for her," Minerva said quietly. "You shouted bloody murder at her, and it wasn't until she fled the room that anyone realized you thought you were talking to Wormtail. She had gone by then though."

I groaned. _Because I love you idiot._ She must have been so hurt to hear whatever vitriol I would have spewed thinking that I truly meant it for her. I really was an idiot.

"Has he been locked up," I asked, skirting over what I had done to Hermione, and what else I might have done the other times I came awake without being in my right mind.

"He is being held at the ministry right now," she answered with a nod, turning to look at me once more. "He will sit trial later this week."

"He's quite dangerous," I said lightly, as if we were discussing the morning paper. "I never thought much of him, the measly little man that he is. But he is truly a master legilimens. He puts my skill to shame."

"What did he do in there?" she asked, looking at my forehead. "I've never seen you out of your gourd like that. I confess I thought you invincible when it came to the protection of your mind."

"He knew me well enough to know that I was prepared for torture. He knew that I would not break from pain, I've been trained not to." I said quietly, unable to meet her gaze when it fell back to my eyes. "He knew what I did not, and he bombarded me with pleasure mixed with pain until I came unhinged. He implanted false memories. Oh those memories."

Even now I could see them as if they were real. I found I wished desperately that they were. I wanted to hold her close to me, kiss her lips and find out if she really tasted like cherries. I even wished that severed memory from the church had been real.

"What did he show you?" she asked, her voice tight, and I knew she feared a rebuke, asking such a personal question.

"Perfect happiness," I sighed turning my head away from her and closing my eyes. "Perfect happiness with the woman I love."

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><p>I did not speak of my time in what I now knew to be the old Granger house again. I would gladly go one pretending it did not happen at all, except for the looming court date where I would be expected to share in detail what had happened. I had only one dignity left to me. No one in the courtroom other than Pettigrew knew which woman I had seen in my mind, and I would allow everyone to go on thinking that it was Lily that he tortured me with. I was determined to find a way to win back the witch I loved, who would not come within shouting range of me now, but I would not use her presence in my torture as a tool to do that.<p>

No, I would have to find a way to first convince her that I was not trying to pull her aside for another shouting fest. Then I would have to show her that I did not hate her. I needed her to know what I truly felt, and I needed to know what she felt. I yearned to hear her utter those words to me while I was awake. _Because I love you idiot._

That one little sentence seemed to play on repeat in my head. It seemed a little louder each time that I caught a glimpse of her hurrying away from me in the bowls of the ministry when the court room was released for the day. She attended every day, even after she had come forward and given her own testimony about what had happened that day. But she never made eye contact with me, and she never lingered where she might be forced to interact with me. I could not recall what it was I had said to her that day she had visited me in the hospital, and if her hurt was any indication I didn't think I wanted to.

I had managed to get through her testimony without becoming emotion, and to get through my own without revealing too much intimate information about what had happened in that room. It was getting through the last bit of testimony before the trial went to deliberation that I was worried about. For the last day of the trial Pettigrew would take the stand, and he held all of my secrets in his head. I wasn't prepared to handle it if he chose to share them with the public.

"Please state your name for the record," Amelia Bones directed once he had been shackled into the chair that sat on the floor beneath all of our raised seats.

"Peter Pettigrew," he said calmly.

"Do you know why you are here today Mr. Pettigrew?" Bones continued.

"I am on trial for the unlawful detainment, and torture of Severus Snape," he answered just as calmly.

"And what do you plead?" she asked.

"I did it," he said flatly. "And I would do it again. Nothing pleases me more than the memory of the mighty Severus Snape beginning me to stop."

There was an uproar in the court room, but I did not so much as flinch. I just waited for everything to stop. Bones banged her gavel and slowly silence fell once more. Would they call the trial now, or would he be allowed to speak further?

"So you do not argue the charges?" she asked sharply.

"No contest," he laughed. "I will get a hero's welcome in Azkaban."

"You need to update your knowledge of wizarding law since the end of the first war Mr. Pettigrew," Bones said, acid showing in her voice for the first time. "The type of torture you inflicted upon Mr. Snape is a kissable offense. Coupling that with your past war crimes, I can assure you the kiss will be executed before the night is out."

"What?" Pettigrew gasped, and I got the great pleasure of watching all of the color drain from his face.

"All those in favor of seeing Mr. Pettigrew receive the dementors kiss for his crimes that he had openly admitted to in a court of law please raise your hand." She directed before raising her own hand.

The only word I could use to describe what happened next was vindication. Every single hand of the members of the wizengamot present went into the air. It was moving, but what struck me more, was when I saw the hands of the few people who had been let in to witness the trial raised their hands as well. Their votes didn't count, but seeing Hermione raise her hand to say that she wanted to see my captor kissed eased a pain that resided deep within my soul. She may be unwilling to even look at me, but part of her still cared. That was all the opening I needed.

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><p>I didn't stay to see the kissing, I had no wish to be in the presences of a dementor ever again. Instead I returned to my room at the Leaky Cauldron and allowed Tom to bring me that blasted soup in my room. I was going to have to find a place to live when I was outside of the castle, because staying here for such a long period of time seemed to be softening him toward me. I wasn't exactly looking for new friends, and I truly wasn't interested in befriending the man who was privy to my homeless and friendless predicament.<p>

He had tried to return part of my money for the week and a half I had been in St. Mungos but I had waved him off, stating his leaving the room unoccupied at waiting for me needed payment either way. It was an out of character choice I supposed, but I felt inherently different after leaving that house. I still looked like the snarky potions professor, for the most part I still spoke like him, but I didn't feel like him. There were many things that had come from the assault that took place on my mind, but the one that I held on to was to realization that I could truly love someone.

It struck me as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, that I have never truly loved Lily, not in the way that I loved Hermione. I had a crush on her. A crush that turned into a form of unrequited love, that gradually morphed into an unhealthy obsession. It was nothing like the pure bubbling feeling that filled me when I thought of Hermione. Sometimes it felt like the only thing that kept my mind together after what had happened, was to delve into those memories that had been implanted in my mind. When it was the middle of the night and I thought I was going to give in to tears once more I thought about how she had looked on that dark street with the street lamp illuminating her in a halo of light, her face split with a huge smile.

I wanted to make those memories real. I wanted her to kiss me, to tell me that she loved me. _To marry me._ It was striking how thoughts like that could change a man. I had spent all of my life serving others, all the while having to focus entirely on myself and keeping myself alive. Now I wanted to willingly wrap my life around another. I wanted to enfold her in every way that I could. I wanted her in my home, though I did not currently have one. I wanted her in my arms. I wanted he where she was in my heart, but I wanted to also be in hers. _Because I love you idiot_. I reminded myself of that sentence every time I began to worry that she would never allow me to make such a journey.

So no I wasn't looking for new friends. I wasn't trying to build new relationships. But there was one relationship that already existed that I wanted to change. One that I wanted to encourage and bring to blossom. It was a bittersweet moment to finally admit just how much I wanted her, when the task of showing that to her had become so daunting. How to make her see? How to convince her to let herself feel what I knew she was already feeling?

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><p><strong>I know it's kind of short, but I wanted to end the night on something a bit more cheerful than our pour lovebirds being tortured.<strong>


	25. Eight letters, three words, one regret

**Hello my dearies. I have finally come out of my love coma and found my way back to the computer. Hopefully chapter will make up for falling off of the radar. My husband says hello.**

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><p><em><strong>Songs for this chapter: Too Close and Damn Your Eyes both by Alex Care (I imagine these two songs are her warring feelings)<strong>_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

I could not go back to visit him in the hospital, just like I could not seek him out before term began. Would not. Should not. I had to remind myself of the horrible things he had said to me to keep myself away, because every time I pictured his face, with those deep blue eyes, I wanted to go to him. I managed to make it through the rest of the summer without giving in to the urge to try to go to him, but part of me thought that might be because I didn't want him to run again. I had removed the tracking spell from him that last time I had seen him at the hospital, not wanting to feel a connection to him like that any longer. I seemed to occasionally notice a ringing in my ears if I thought about it ever since then, and I wondered vaguely if it was an aftereffect of breaking such old magic.

I tried to keep that question out of my mind as well. Instead I focused my mind on my new job and everything that came with that. I had already collected all of the teaching robes I had ordered, and as the summer wore down I was slowly collecting furnishings for my quarters. It wasn't that I couldn't go out and just it all in one go, but I rather liked going on little adventures with Molly to find the perfect ottoman or the most beautiful linens. It was much easier not to think about a certain someone if I was focused on the decision between oak and teak bedroom furniture.

"I've been thinking Molly," I said as I drug my fingers through the fringe on a red throw pillow. "I want to use magic to change my quarters as well."

"Are you sure?" she asked as she offered up a maroon patterned pillow with a question on her face. "That's a lot of magic with nowhere to hide from it."

"I think it will be good for me," I told her as I nodded that I did want that pillow as well. "Besides, the only downside I could think of about going back to Hogwarts was feeling like I was trapped with stone all around me. It reminds me of ancient magic, which tends to remind me of dark magic."

"Well it sounds like you've put a lot of thought into it," she said quietly, putting both of the pillows into the cart we were pushing around the muggle shop that Molly seemed surprisingly at home in. "Have you brought it up with Minerva?"

"She's completely supportive of it," I smiled while grabbing a few more pillows to join the rest. "She said I could come to the castle earlier to put in the renovations if I wanted."

We both chuckled, and it had more to do with the realization that I had apparently developed a bit of an obsession with through pillows, than the idea of decorating my new home. The idea of my new home was actually a bit sad for the both of us. I had fallen into place in their home quickly, and it felt like leaving my parents to go away. That was painful enough without thinking about losing another set of parents.

"Will you come help me change my quarters to something less castle like?" I asked quietly, as I steered us toward the bedding section.

"I would love too," she agreed easily. "I never realized how much I like this interior decorating thing. I think I want to do more of it. Perhaps it's time I update the Burrow a bit."

"Or you and Arthur could just move into the castle with me," I chuckled, though I wasn't sure I was joking.

"Oh honey, you know you can come visit us whenever you want, you don't have think of this as some big goodbye," she said, turning to face me, and stopping my cart so I had to look back at her. "You know we aren't going anywhere don't you?"

"Yes," I sighed quietly, meeting her eyes as calmly as I could. "It just scares me a little to think about being on my own again. And it makes me sad to feel like I am somehow losing my parents all over again."

She pulled me into her arms after that, and told me with her embrace that she wasn't going anywhere. I breathed in her scent of baked goods and something distinctly earthy and slowly I calmed once more. When I was pulled tightly into her plush embrace it was hard to imagine that she would ever be taken from me, and it soothed that ache that never seemed to quite go away. It relieved that fear that I was always going to be alone.

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><p>We had toiled, but through our hard work and Molly's eye for interior decorating I found myself with the most amazing living space I ever could have dreamed up. We mixed our media so to speak. Spells were used to change the texture of the wall from rough stone to smoother sheet rock before we took paintbrush in hand and changed the colors with actual paint. It was nice to do the physical work, but it helped me ease into the idea of magically altering my chambers if I was doing some of it without magic as well.<p>

When we had finished I was amazed with the results. The only piece of my siting room left that resembled the castle room I had first entered was the fireplace that had a domed opening. We had painted everything alight beige and added floor to ceiling bookshelves on either side of the fire place. Molly had duplicated and enlarged a silly finger painting that hung in Ginny's room and we placed it over the mantle. The reds and purples in the picture matched nicely with the copious throw pillows that we stacked in my two chairs and matching off white couch.

We packed in all the books that Molly found when she went to my old home once more. Other than that small trip to rescue Severus I could not bring myself to enter the house, but I did find that I desired the things that had been left behind. She had gone in my stead to collect my small personal library as well as the rest of my clothing and a bottle of my mother's perfume. It was a scent that I could barely handle smelling still, but it soothed me to no end to see that bottle of amber liquid sitting on the mantle above my fireplace.

We put our most creative effort into creating a small kitchen for me. I wanted to have something for making tea, and the occasional late night snack should I want it. I didn't want to call upon the house elves on principle, and I certainly couldn't go to the great hall if I suddenly found myself ravenous at two in the morning which still seemed to happen on occasion as I tried to regain all of the weight I had lost.

In the end we created what looked like a glorified cabinet which had a sink and small magic run over built into the center, and cabinets on either side creating a pantry and the magical equivalent of a refrigerator. It sat in the back corner of my sitting room, and to delineate the difference in rooms we forwent the plush coffee colored carpet and transfigured the floor into glossy wooden planks. We debated back and forth, but in the end did not put in a table, as my living room coffee table would suffice for a seating area.

The bathroom we created was the most luxurious room we created, reminding me of a bathroom I had see in one of the more posh hotels my parents had taken to me in Paris many years ago. We stayed with the stone motif, but gave it a more polished look with light brown marble cut into tiles. There were light hints of wood in the shelving as well as the supports for the deep porcelain tub we put in. The bathroom had been the most challenging as it was created entirely with magic, but it was quite rewarding to see how much beauty could come from spell work.

Other than the input of picking out the bed, and offering up which color I wanted, I stayed clear of the bedroom allowing Molly to create what I hoped would become my safe haven hear at the castle. I was stunned by how beautiful her creation was. I had told her my favorite color was green, and expected to end up with an forest green comforter, but she found ways to bring green into the room without even touching that color.

She painted the walls in a light sea foam green, and put a darker shade of the same color on the ceiling. The bedspread she put on my oak framed bed was a dusty olive green, and paired nicely with the pea green pillow she put on the reclined rocking chair made of wicker. I had no idea if she had found that chair somewhere or created it with magic, but it was possibly my new favorite piece of furniture. She had charmed three rows of floating orbs along the ceiling giving the impression that my room had track lighting, and I thrilled to realized that I could turn them on and off with a simply wave of the hand. It was the only wandless spell I had ever learned.

She added shelving, cabinets, and a desk, all in the same oak finish as the bed, and tied the room together with a few more books and a potted fern that looked like a palm tree giving the room a beach like feel. It was a more perfect bedroom than I could have dreamed of asking for, and when she revealed it to me the night that we finished I nearly cried I was so overwhelmed by it. I thanked her profusely until she had to leave, and then I was left standing alone in my new home hardly able to believe it was mine.

When the sun began to set and I was still alone in my rooms, knowing that there was only one person I wanted to drag up here and show my rooms to I did finally weep. I sunk to the floor, burying my face in the carpet of my sitting room and cried great wracking sobs when I was forced yet again to realize how much I cared for the man I could not allow myself to care for.

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><p>It became harder to pretend I was unaffected by Severus when the start of term came and I was faced with seeing him so frequently. I made it through the beginning of the year staff meeting without even making eye contact with him, and dodged out of the room after exchanging lesson outlines with Hagrid and Septima so they could work on their halves of our joint lessons before I could give in to the desire to meet his gaze. I had felt his eyes on me the entire time I had been in the room, and I was terrified that he might try to make conversation with me.<p>

It got harder still to keep my distance from him when he took the seat beside me at the start of term feast. I remained silent, staring straight ahead during the sorting and my own introduction to quite a few surprised faces before the beginning of the feast. Once the food had been served I struck up a ridiculously long winded discussion about the whomping willow with Neville to keep myself from giving into temptation. I wanted it so badly, but I refused to hurt myself any longer.

I made it all the way to the second week of term without so much as meeting his eyes, but then my efforts became rather fruitless. I woke the Wednesday of the second week of classes to find a glass vial, clearly containing a memory sitting beside a pensive that was wrapped in a red bow and had a tag that simply said happy early birthday.

If I hadn't been his student for so many years I wouldn't have recognized his handwriting, and surely wouldn't have known who the gift was from. Knowing it was from Severus did not make it easier to accept. I worried my lip between my teeth, pacing back and forth in my sitting room trying to make up my mind for so long that I nearly missed my first lesson. In the end I left it sitting on my coffee table and sprinted up to the classroom arriving just in time to slow to a walk and slip into the back of the room instructing the fourth years to settle down as if I had been standing back there the entire time.

I quickly slipped into a lesson about how muggles approached travel when they were not provided with the same opportunities as wizard folk, but my mind remained focus on that memory waiting for me back in my chambers. What could he have sent me? Would it be horrible, or would it be pleasant. Why would he wanted me to see any of his memories anyway?

As the day wore on I realized that I wanted to see that memory is only to assuage the curiosity that was plaguing me. When I finished my final lesson for the day at five on the dot I decided to forgo dinner and retire to my chambers for the evening with the intent of viewing that memory.

I walked slowly through the bustling stone corridors building up my courage, and took extra care in putting on a pot of water to boil in my kitchen before I finally pulled the bow free of the small stone basin with intricate engravings that lay there waiting for me to use it. With nothing left to fill my time and help me to further put it off, I hesitantly unstoppered the vial and allow the memory to leak out and pool into the bowl in the way that only a memory could seem to drip like water yet swirl like smoke. I took one last deep breath and then I slid my finger into the swirling liquid allowing it to suck me into his memory.

_I found myself in his hospital room from St. Mungos and instantly I was on edge. I was relieved to realize that Minerva sat at his bedside and this must have come after his outburst. I wouldn't be forced to watch him tear into me from his own perspective. I watched as this private moment unfolded between them._

_"How are you feeling?" she asked at the same time that he asked, "Where is Hermione?"_

_"She's gone to the ministry to give testimony on what she witnessed as well as what she did," she explained while he answered, again at the same time. "Like death warmed over."_

_"We wondered when you would come all the way around," she said quietly reaching out to grasp his hand._

_He allowed her to hold it, and it was a strange picture to see the normally stern man look so weak cocooned in a hospital blanket with his hand held tightly in the hand of the maternal Minerva McGonagall._

_"What do you mean?" He asked her quietly._

_"This makes the sixth time you've woken up," she told him looking away toward the window where night was falling. "But it's the first time that you seem to be in your right mind."_

_He seemed to puzzle on that answer and I realized that he truly had no recollection of what had happened before that point. My heart throbbed strangely at the thought._

_"The first time you woke, she was here, but it was too much for her," Minerva said quietly. "You shouted bloody murder at her, and it wasn't until she fled the room that anyone realized you thought you were talking to Wormtail. She had gone by then though."_

_He groaned, and pain seemed to ripple over his face. I wondered if it was at her words, or if he was simply in pain from the torture he had been subjected too._

_"Has he been locked up," He asked, a calmness falling over his face once more._

_"He is being held at the ministry right now," she answered with a nod, turning to look at me once more. "He will sit trial later this week."_

_"He's quite dangerous," he said lightly, as if they were discussing the morning paper. "I never thought much of him, the measly little man that he is. But he is truly a master legilimens. He puts my skill to shame."_

_"What did he do in there?" she asked, looking at his forehead. "I've never seen you out of your gourd like that. I confess I thought you invincible when it came to the protection of your mind."_

_"He knew me well enough to know that I was prepared for torture. He knew that I would not break from pain, I've been trained not to." he said quietly, unable to meet her gaze when it fell back to my his. "He knew what I did not, and he bombarded me with pleasure mixed with pain until I came unhinged. He implanted false memories. Oh those memories."_

_"What did he show you?" she asked, her voice tight, and I knew she feared a rebuke, asking such a personal question._

_"Perfect happiness," he sighed turning his head away from her and closing his eyes. "Perfect happiness with the woman I love."_

The memory faded away after that and I found myself sitting in my living room once more. I sprung up to attend to the tea pot that was now shrieking for attention, and tried to deal with how I felt about that memory. Initially I only felt the sting of picturing what type of false memories Wormtail would have created about Lily Potter with which to torture Severus, but eventually I began to feel angry about it all. Clearly he had sent me this memory in an effort to clear his conscious over what had happened. He wanted me to understand that he didn't remember saying those hurtful things to me.

Well I didn't care.

He had still said them. He might not remember it, but he had really hurt me. I warred with the pain I had felt when I fled from his hospital room, and the fluttering feeling I felt in my chest when I pictured his eyes when he seemed truly remorseful for whatever had happened between us when he was not in his head. Both of those feelings were dashed out of existence when I thought of how deeply in love he had looked when he recalled the memories he had been given of the woman he loved.

It was with jealousy in my heart that I acted to responded to his attempt at an apology. I put my wand to my head and drew out the memory of him cursing my existence. I pulled out the moments where he had wished me dead, and swore to kill me with his own hands. I let it trail on long enough to show me running from the room, and then I cut it off, and directed my memory of what had happened into the empty vial that was still sitting on my living room table. I replaced the stopper and nodded to myself. Yes, forcing him to know how deeply he had cut me that day was the proper response to his ridiculous apology. He would know what he had done, and I would be free of having the memory in my mind any longer.

I was tempted to pull the memory of the reaffirmation of how deeply he loved Lily from my mind as well, but in the end I held on to it as yet another reminder of why I could not allow myself to drift toward him once more no matter how desperately I wanted to. I sipped my tea while I banished his memory from my pensive and into the void. I wanted nothing to do with it and I saw no point in returning it to him. He couldn't miss what he couldn't remember to begin with.

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><p>Severus seemed to better understand my reluctance to be around him after receiving my reply to his apology, and it became a bit easier to ignore him. He no longer took up the seat beside me at meals, and he seemed to be less of a presence in the halls when I was out. I was relieved to avoid the temptation of looking into those eyes, but somehow I still felt bereft without his constant presence. Constantly I tried to remind myself that I needed to stay away from him, and why I needed to stay away from him, but it got a little harder each day.<p>

I ran through a litany of all the horrible things he had ever said to me when my will power was so low that I wanted to go knock on the door to his dungeon chambers. I reminded myself that he constantly referred to me as a know-it-all, and that he reveled in taking points from me in order to put Gryffindor out of the running for the house cup any chance her got. I reminded myself of how he had made fun of me when my teeth had been cursed, and he was still unrepentant. He was unrepentant for all of it, save for what happened in the hospital apparently. I forced myself to feel angry about those things so I wouldn't end up down in the dungeons doing something I would regret.

I tried to instead focus my mind on preparing for my first off campus lesson that I hoped to have at the end of October. With a little outside help from Molly I had managed to secure a full entertainment center and get it put together down in the small cottage I was renting on the edge of Hogsmeade that was furthest from the castle in order to avoid all of the magic that hung in the air. It had taken me ages to choose, but I finally came to a decision about what movie I was going to show to the classes first. In order to point out that the muggle world was just as confused about how the wizarding world worked as wizards were about muggles by showing one of the Lord of the Rings movies.

I focused my mind on whether or not I should provide popcorn, or if that would make it to informal. Should I have all of the classes at once, or should I take each class individually? Did I really want to watch that movie five times in a row? It was good, but not quite that good. So all together seemed like the best idea, but what about popcorn or drinks?

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><p>My obsessing over how to approach the extracurricular lesson was interrupted by an owl from Ginny informing me that I would be required to attend a lunch with her and Harry down at the Three Broomsticks. She stated, in rather sloppy handwriting that suggested she was angry, that they were still upset that I had not come to my birthday dinner because of work and they wanted to see me. I wouldn't admit it, but it did sooth how painful it had been to sit alone in my chambers on my birthday with y presents seeming to mock my loneliness.<p>

I opted not to send a return owl, and simply dressed in a black sack dress and made my way down to the village. I hadn't bothered to do anything with my hair, and my curls were flying around my head in the breeze as I crossed the sunny grounds. It was unseasonably warm for the middle of October, and I wondered how long the heat would hold out.

I was wishing I had worn flats instead of my black heals by the time I finally made it to the doors of the little pub, but I plastered a smile on my face and push them open. I immediately spotted Ginny's read hair in a booth directly across from the door and started to make my way over to them. My smile hitched a bit when I saw that she and Harry were crammed into one side, and the only spot left at the table was beside Neville. I hadn't realized he was coming, and my gut told me that something was up.

"Hey Hermione, come sit down," Ginny said with a huge grin that honestly seemed a little over excited for a late afternoon lunch.

"Hi guys," I said softly, sliding into the seat, but keeping a big gap between mine and Neville's arms.

I wouldn't say it out loud, but there was only one man, who I didn't view as a second father, that I was comfortable allowing to touch me. And well, it wasn't Neville Longbottom. It wasn't even Harry, though he did a great job pretending it didn't bother him. The one man I was comfortable allowing to touch me, was the one I could not allow to come near me for my own sanity.

"We dillydallied long enough trying to decide what to get your for your birthday," Ginny continued in her ridiculously cheery voice. "But it finally came to us. So happy belated birthday girl!"

"Lunch is a wonderful present," I chuckled. "It's nice to get out of the castle for something other than work."

"Oh the lunch isn't the present," Harry smiled conspiratorially.

"No, the present is Neville actually," Ginny smiled nodding her head in his direction. "You're present is a double date."

I turned to look at Neville, and he had the good grace to look as nervous as I felt. He offered a wobbly smile, and I tried to return it, but it felt like more of a grimace. I turned back to look at the happy married couple and I could feel my ire growing.

"You guys were very thoughtful, but you forgot few things," I said quietly. "The first being that I don't date. Ever. The second being that Mr. Longbottom hear has had his eye on Luna Lovegood for quite some time now."

"But Luna has been out of the country for nearly a year, and won't be back until the end of next year," Harry pointed out with a soft smile. "Surely Neville is allowed to have a lunch date or two between now and then?"

I watched Neville nod his head gently, offering up that wobbly smile again. He was being nice, but I knew he only wanted Luna, and I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship that went beyond the friendly coworker one we had now.

"If that's the case he can go on as many lunch dates as he wished," I answered as politely as I could. "But that doesn't change that I don't date."

'How do you know that you don't date," Ginny pushed. "In twenty two years you've never been on a date have you? Have you kissed anyone Hermione?"

"Gin…" Harry sighed.

"No, Ginny has always been one to speak her mind," I said quietly, struggling to keep the hurt out of my words. "It probably does look sad to a happily married woman to think I've been alive for twenty two years and haven't dated. Thank you for my birthday present, it was quiet enjoyable. I think I shall be going now."

I stood to leave, and I was surprised to find that Neville stood as well.

"Hermione wait," Ginny whined.

"Leave her be Ginny," Neville said quietly. "if you hadn't lead me to believe Hermione had already agreed to this, I would have pointed out what an awful idea it is to try and force her to do something like this when she doesn't want to."

"It's not like that Neville," Harry said quietly.

"No you didn't mean it that way," Neville pointed out. "But it is that way. You tried to force her to go on a date when she isn't ready, and just now you made her feel as if she were abnormal because she hasn't been on one yet. It's her choice, and it's perfectly normal for her to choose not to date if it isn't right for her."

"Thank you Neville," I said very quietly as we turned away from the table. "I'm sorry that you got dragged into this. I'm sorry if I have offended you by declining the offer of a date with you. Much like your heart is no longer yours to give, mine feels as if it is already spoken for no matter if I chose to date or not."

"I'm not offended," he smiled as he held the door open for me. "A bit relieved actually. I've only kissed Luna the one time, but it felt like I was about to cheat on her."

"You could never cheat on her," I assured him in my most firm voice. "I hope you guys have perfect happiness with one another Neville, I really do."

"And I hope you and he find it as well," he said sincerely as we parted ways in the street.

"I haven't a clue who you are talking about," I said airily as I turned to walk back to the castle.

The bell tinkled again but I didn't look back. Neville probably went back into the pub, but I found I didn't want to look back to see what his face was doing. I was suddenly very uncomfortable with the idea that Neville might know just exactly whose eyes seemed to haunt me even without me looking into them anymore. The only thing that calmed my racing heart was to remind myself that Neville had always been fiercely loyal, and I was sure he wouldn't tell anyone what my secret was if he knew it.


	26. I miss you more than I should

_**Songs for this chapter: Heart Vacancy by The Wanted and I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz**_

**SPOV**

I could feel that she wanted me to stay away, and the memory she sent me had been a striking confirmation of that. Even now, weeks later, I was still haunted by the words I had heard myself shouting at her. I was disgusted to realize that I had told her that I wanted her dead and would bring my wish to fruition with my own hands. Should I get the chance to make any conversation with her, I would spend all of it apologizing for that day. I ached each time I thought of the pain that had rippled across her face at my words.

For now I had to be content just watching her, and waiting for the opportunity to finally show her just how much I cared for her. I found myself following her, wanting to see her, and know that she was okay even if she wanted nothing to do with me. I fell back on my years working as a spy to keep her in my sights without causing her further anxiety by revealing my presence. That was how I found myself in the Three Broomsticks, on a day when her supposed friends landed her in an incredibly uncomfortable situation. I was honestly surprised to see the Potters in the act of trying to force her into a situation she didn't want to be in.

My mind warred with the image of Harry Potter arguing with me that it was inappropriate to force her back into the world of magic, and the vision of him trying to force her into the world of dating when she did not seem to be a willing participant. I watched as he grew steadily more uncomfortable with the barely concealed duress on Hermione's face, and I wondered if it hadn't been his wife's idea after all.

For a reason I couldn't quite define I held my breath while I watch her deal with the situation she found herself in. My chest grew tight from the lack of air while I waited to see if she would take the date out of politeness. I kept holding my breath when she stated that she did not date, but it rushed out of my lungs rather ungracefully when Mrs. Potter attempted to coerce her into a date by pointing out that she had never actually had one. I had to physically restrain myself from revealing that I as there and pointing out what a low blow that had been.

Hermione spoke kindly in her rebuke of the attempt to force her into this date, but I could see the way her eyes flashed with the beginning of what I knew would be tears, and her lips gave just the slightest tremble before she pushed them together in a forced smile.

I found a new respect for Longbottom when he came to Hermione's rescue and gently but pointedly put Mrs. Potter in her place for the duress she had caused this woman she thought of as a friend. He reaffirmed that she was not abnormal and casually lead her away from her friends, and it was honestly the best way to handle the situation. I was loath to admit it, but he handled it better than I would have. I followed quietly behind them so I might hear what he would say to her when they were in private.

"Thank you Neville," she said very quietly as they made their way to the door and directly past me. "I'm sorry that you got dragged into this. I'm sorry if I have offended you by declining the offer of a date with you. Much like your heart is no longer yours to give, mine feels as if it is already spoken for no matter if I chose to date or not."

"I'm not offended," he smiled as he held the door open for her. "A bit relieved actually. I've only kissed Luna the one time, but it felt like I was about to cheat on her."

"You could never cheat on her," she assured him in that firm yet polite tone only she could manage. "I hope you guys have perfect happiness with one another Neville, I really do."

"And I hope you and he find it as well," he said as he stepped back and she moved into the open street outside the street.

"I haven't a clue who you are talking about," she said airily as she turned to walk back to the castle.

"I know she's lying," he said as he turned back into the shop and I was shocked to see him looking right at me. "And you know that too don't you?"

I nodded stiffly, knowing my voice would betray how I felt about the small acknowledgment of her feelings toward me she had given to Neville without knowing I had been there to hear it.

"Try harder then," he said, cringing away from me slightly, most likely out of habit after years of my verbal abuse. "Ginny isn't going to back off forever, and it would be easier on both of you if Hermione wasn't forced to sit through yet another attempt at fixing her up with someone she doesn't want."

He did not wait for the response that was not going to come, he simply went up to the bar and put in an order for a strong drink. I watched him for a second longer realizing through his actions just how much this afternoons interaction had upset the man. I was sorely tempted to release some of the tension I was feeling on the Potters who still sat in there booth whispering amongst themselves about how poorly their plan had played out, but I managed to control the impulse and slipped out into the street to make my way back to the castle.

I never thought I would see the day when such a thought would pass through my mind, but Neville Longbottom was right. I needed to try harder. I could not continue to sit back and wait for her to come to me. She was not going to come to me no matter if she wanted to or not, because she was still afraid. I needed to show her that she need not be afraid of me. The last thing I wanted was to hurt her anymore.

I walked slowly up to the castle trying to decide what was the best way to approach the situation. I wanted to simply go to her and profess my feelings, as sappy as it sounded, but I was certain at this moment the gesture would be unwelcome. Not just because of how she still felt about me, but because it was highly likely she was sitting in her rooms crying right now after that subtle attack by her once dear friend who no longer seemed to know her desires.

In the end I made my way to my office and pulled out a bit of my parchment and a well of emerald green ink. Perhaps if I couldn't go to her and speak the thing I wished to say to her I could pen her a letter. She could choose to read it at a time that was convenient for her, where she might be more open to what I had to say to her.

_Dear Hermione,_

_No matter how many times I might say it for the remainder of my days on this earth, it will never be enough. I am so sorry for the pain that I have caused you. I am sorry for the fight that we had over re-establishing your connection with your magic. I am sorry for the way I have continually rebuked your attempts o apologize for that same fight. I cannot begin to put into words how sorry I am for my assault on your person when I stumbled drunkenly upon you in the corridor. I am shamed every time I think of that bruise in the shape of my hand upon your person. I am sorry for the retched fight we had at that staff meeting at the end of last term. And I am ever so sorry for the repugnant words I spewed at you when you visited me in the hospital._

_I cannot begin to figure out how to make any of that up to you, but I wish to find a way. I am so grateful for everything you have ever done for me, particularly the way you ran blindly into your own nightmare to save me from my own. I want to make up for any harm I have ever caused you. I want to show you my appreciation for anything you have ever done for me. I want to show you the care and appreciation that you deserve. I hope that someday you might be ready to allow me that opportunity._

_Sincerely Yours,_

_Severus Snape_

I read it back to myself twice before deciding that it was acceptable to send. A part of me wanted to sign it with a declaration of my true feelings, but I wasn't sure if she was ready to hear that from me. I wasn't even entirely sure I was ready to tell her just how much I loved her. I sighed under the heavy weight of my feelings and sealed the letter. I would slide it under the door to her chambers while out on my nightly rounds around the castle.

-`-'-

I had to wait three days for her response, but it came with the breakfast post eventually, and I took it back to my chambers to read in solitude. The lightness hinted at a brevity that would not end in my favor and I didn't wish to display my displeasure before the public eye. I took a ginger seat on the edge of my armchair near the fire, and carefully broke the seal on the letter

_Severus,_

_I do not hold you actions against you, particularly when you were not in your right mind as you were for two of the occasions that you mentioned in your letter. I have come to be in a place where I can forgive you for those actions, and I hope that you have come to that same place with me and my actions._

_Having forgiven you I bear no harsh feelings between us, but I fear it is not best for us to associate with one another outside of the relationship of colleague to colleague. I think the two of us have different expectations of the other and it can only lead to heartache for one or the other if we pursue something other than a polite work friendship. If you are interested in cooperating on a joint assignment between our classes I welcome a visit to me office to discuss the lesson plan, otherwise I respectfully request that we keep our distance._

_Hermione_

I read it over and over again trying out different intonations on each sentence and trying to suss out exactly which way she meant each word. My initial reaction was as pessimistic as I often was, and I assumed she was trying to tell me she had no interest in the same kind of relationship that I did. But instead of falling into an emotional stupor like I would have in the past I thought about what she had said to Longbottom, and how she seemed to struggle to look into my eyes whenever we met in the great hall or in the corridors and it occurred to me that perhaps I was reading the exact opposite of what she actually meant in her letter. Could it be that she thought she was the only party with feelings for the other? Did she fear revealing herself only to discover I did not harbor the same feelings?

My heart sunk a bit when it occurred to me that in the memory I had sent her, where I addressed that the implanted memories that had torn at my soul were about the woman I loved, I had never mentioned the name of the woman. I rose from the couch on lead legs, and crossed over to the fire place pulling a bit of floo powder from the jar on the mantle and tossing it into the cheery flames.

"Head's office," I called as I stuck my head into the flames.

"Ah Severus, to what do I owe the pleasure of your presences before the late hours of the evening?" Minerva asked with a sardonic smile from where she sat at her desk.

"Do you remember the conversation we had shortly after I awoke in the hospital Minerva?" I asked her somberly.

"Yes I do Severus," she answered quietly, waiting patiently for the reason I would ask such a question.

"So you remember me mentioning that the memories I were bombarded with were of the woman I love," I said slowly, not breaking eye contact.

She nodded stiffly.

"Would you humor me by telling me who you would assume that woman to be," I asked, stiffness climbing into my voice on its own accord.

"Lily Potter," she said barely louder than a whisper.

"Would you also humor me in telling me how you might have known of the feelings I used to harbor for the woman?" I asked, surprised to discover that I was not angered by her knowledge, just saddened to realize that it would have been just that easy for Hermione to also assume I had been talking about someone else.

"The portrait of Albus was a bit talkative when it first awoke from the slumber that all the headmaster and headmistress portraits arrive in," Minerva said delicately. "He may have mentioned a few things about why you joined the order to begin with."

I knew I should be angry, but I couldn't find it in me to care about that right now.

"Was this knowledge wide spread?" I asked in an unearthly calm voice.

"It may have been published." She hedged.

"So there is a chance that she knows about it," I said out loud before I could censor myself. I ignored the look that passed over Minerva's face and ploughed on. "Thank you for you honesty headmistress. On an unrelated matter, I may be swayed into accepting a more permanent contract if you find yourself unable to find a replacement for me."

I quickly withdrew from the fire and left her to think about the offer I just made. I had a good idea now why exactly Hermione would be unwilling to reveal any feelings in regard to me, and I was expecting it to take time to convince her of my feelings otherwise. What better opportunity to try and change her mind if I was able to spend nearly the entire year in her presence because we worked together. Not to mention that the feeling of home re-entered the castle alongside the young witch even if I had been loath to admit that in the beginning.

-`-'-

I gave it another few days before I decided to make another move in trying to win Hermione over. I was going to accept the offer to teach a joint lesson as both a peace offering and to provide myself with an opportunity to spend time with her while we planned out what we would like to teach the students about the similarities between the two subjects.

I had a free period between my morning lesson and the lunch break, and though I wasn't sure if Hermione would be free or not I made my way up to her classroom on the fourth floor with the intention of proposing our joint lesson. I discovered several things when I came within hearing range of her classroom. The first was that at 11:00 am on Tuesdays she did in fact have a class; the second being that she opted to teach with her classroom door open.

I stopped in the hall listening to her voice carry out toward me and pushed away the thought that such a choice would allow late comers to slip in undetected. It wasn't a choice I would have made in my own classroom, but I was glad she had made it because it left me able to eaves drop on her lesson for myself. I stood rooted to the spot listening to her address her class.

"Now as you see I have brought a piano for today's lesson," he voice carried firmly through the air, and I was proud to hear that she did not sound anything like the timid woman I had rescued from the streets. "Which of you can tell me if it is a magical piano or a muggle piano?"

I heart a rustling and imagined that hands had flown into the air. Her students seemed more responsive than mine; perhaps fearing me did actually inhibit their ability to answer simple questions.

"Yes Mr. Creavy?" her sweet voice called.

"It's a muggle piano, as it cannot play itself," he answered, sounding proud of himself.

"Can't it?" she asked, and suddenly the sound of a muggle song that I believed was called twinkle twinkle little star began to fill the air. "As you can see this piano is now playing itself. Does that make it a wizard's piano?"

I heard a chorus of yeses issue from her students.

"Unfortunately you are wrong," she said quietly and the piano stopped playing itself. "There is no such thing as a wizard's piano, or a muggle's piano. They are one in the same."

She paused, and there was a rustling of quills, and I assumed the students were writing down this nugget of knowledge. I attempted to reign in my distaste for the realization that they did not already know such a thing.

"Now I am going to play a piece for you, and I wish for each of you to decide whether it is muggle music or magical music." She said over the creaking sound of her sitting down on the bench behind the piano.

There was a moment of silence, and I realized that I was holding my breath while I waited to hear. I had no idea that Hermione could play the piano, and just picturing her playing made my fingers itch to be touching my guitar. The silence was disturbed when she began to play, and it was the most beautifully sad song I had ever heard. I wished I could see what her face did as her hands dance over the keys. I wished that I could place my hands atop her piano and feel it vibrate with the music she was making. I even wished I could see how her students reacted to seeing her do something so majestic. Did they understand what a gift she was giving them?

Time seemed to have no meaning as the song stretched on, but eventually the music quieted and faded away until there was just silence. The air seemed to heavy without the music floating in it, and my breath still clung to my lungs unable to be expelled as I waited for the spell to be broken.

"So," she said finally, in a light breathy voice. "Muggle or magical?"

"Magical," a girl answered with conviction, and I imagined that she had received a nod of encouragement from her professor. "That has to have been magic."

"Music is easy to confuse with magic," Hermione answered her softly as if she was speaking to a small child not a sixth year student. "But the song I just played for you did actually come from a muggle compilation from many years ago."

"So it wasn't magical?" the girl answered, seeming confused to have been wrong.

"Well technically it is both magical and muggle," Hermione answered and I could hear the smile in her voice. "This song was composed Tchaikovsky from Russia. Do you recognize the name?"

"Yes he was a wizard," answered the same girl from before. "He was the Russian minister of magic for years."

"He was in fact a Russian wizard, but he chose to perform his music in the muggle realm," Hermione explained. "I have asked you a second trick question in order to demonstrate the point of today's lesson. Some things in this world do not exist simply as magical or nonmagical. Sometimes they exist in both worlds with no differences between them. Today I want to talk about other things have those same attributes, and your assignment at the end of this lesson will be to write twelve inches on any subject you think you can successfully argue exists in both worlds in the same form. Magic will be exempt as a topic as it is what we will be discussing during this lesson."

I turned away from her corridor after that. I would leave her to her lesson, and have a conversation with her about a joint lesson between the two of us at another time. For now I was overwhelmed by the perfect idea of how to declare my feelings for her in a way that was honest, but left distance so as not to completely overwhelm her. I needed to procure a new guitar as mine had burned to ash along with my house, I needed to ask that the headmistress cover my afternoon lessons, and I needed to find an establishment that could still record vinyl albums as an ancient record player was the only musical technology that had any hope of working inside the castle walls.

I would sing her a song, and it would tell her what I felt about her more easily than my own words ever could. I had the perfect song in mind, and the words came easily to mind though I had not heard it in ages. I only hoped she would be more receptive to this than she had been to my letter.

**The song Hermione played to her class: .com/watch?v=zSDTX_LaLvA&feature=related**

**Obviously I have fudged a bit about who composed the song, hopefully you will not be offended by my taking creative license over how to use it in my piece.**


	27. Love is an alchemist

_**Songs for this chapter: Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime by Beck and I'm Not Calling You a Liar by Florence + The Machine**_

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><p><strong>Watch this video for a representation of how I picture Severus singing this song. Obviously I couldn't find someone who sang this particular song with a perfect baritone, but the feeling and sort of whispery sounds like how I imagined him.<strong>

http:/ www. youtube. Com /watch?v=fvrPyApIK5o

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

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><p>I never called the house elves to my chamber, my own private protest to the continued slavery utilized in the castle. Because I never summoned the elves, I nearly had a heart attack when Dobby appeared with a crack in my classroom. I didn't have a heart attack but I did manage to drop the chalk filled duster on the ground and nearly hit my head on the blackboard while I chocked on the dust that was released.<p>

"Dobby didn't mean to scare you Miss," the little elf squeaked out as he rushed over to scoop the duster up from the floor.

"It's okay Dobby," I assured him once I had caught my breath again. "I'm fine now. What did you need?"

"Dobby has a surprise for Professor Granger," he cheered and he pulled a rather large white envelope out from behind his back with a flourish.

"What is it?" I asked, my brows climbing at the thought that a house elf that I hadn't even thought of, let alone seen, in years was giving me a gift.

"Dobby is being told it is a secret, so he does not know," he said pushing the envelope into my hands.

I took it, and watched him in confusion as he took a small step back and disappeared with another crack. Apparition, by wizard or magic creature, was something that I still struggled to find normal after rejoining the magical world. I looked down at the envelope in my hands and I wondered if it could possibly be what it looked like.

I pulled the envelope open and discovered that I was right about what it was, but that didn't leave me feeling any less confused. Who would send me a record here at the school? The label was plain white, with nothing to tip me off as to what might be on it. I pulled my eyes away from the record and let them flit around the room. I was fairly certain there was a phonograph here somewhere.

My eyes danced over a few of the more ancient muggle relics that dotted the room, but then my eyes landed on the phonograph in the back corner. I walked to the back corner of the room where it sat on a shelf and took a closer look. The dark wooden base was scratched after years of abuse, but the black floral shaped trumpet seemed to be in pristine condition. I pulled the record from its sleeve of an envelope and placed it onto the base. I gave the crank on the back a few turns and then I gently put the stylus in place.

_Crackling immediately filled my ears before silence fell. I heard a pop and another few seconds of crackling._

"_Well bollox," came the smooth deep baritone of Severus Snape. "How am I supposed to know if this thing is recording?"_

_There was a crackling silence where I pictured him looking at some sort of equipment trying to figure out the answer to his question._

"_I would be the stubborn block-head that sent away the man who could help for a bit of privacy," he said before he released a deep sigh. "Well hopefully it is recording…"_

_There was another pop, and then I heard him take a deep breath. I took one with him._

"_Hermione," he said, and I felt the hair stand up on my arms, my whole body tingling in response to his voice. "I've been trying to find a way to tell you how I feel, but nothing seems to be the right way." He said in a slow even voice that reminded me of who he spoke to me when he was in my mind. "Then I heard you play the piano and it was so…"_

_Time seemed to stop while he tried to find the words to describe what he had heard._

"_Astoundingly moving," he breathed in a reverent voice. "The expressiveness of the music you played gave me the idea to use music to finally show you how I feel."_

_He stopped talking, and there were two gentle thumbs, and I could practically see his thumb tapping against the base of his guitar. I couldn't explain how I knew it was a guitar, but I heard that I was right when the gentle strumming met my ears. It had the tiniest bit of bounce to it, but it was smooth and flowing._

_And then he began to sing, and my heart stopped. I couldn't even begin to picture the stern potions master singing, but his voice was beautiful to my ears. It was deep and rich, but light and airy in a way that made it feel as if he were whispering his words into my ear rather than recording them on a record._

_Belief in the breeze,_

_The smoky morning haze._

_The sun on her face,_

_and the touch of lovers' hands._

_The pain that comes today,_

_Is here, then goes away._

_And we are homeward bound,_

_And I,_

_I want this more than life,_

_I want this more than life,_

_I want this more than life._

_To touch something real,_

_Will help your wounds heal,_

_Like the sun on your face,_

_The dreams of starry nights._

_And we are homeward bound,_

_And I,_

_I want this more than life,_

_I want this more than life,_

_I want this more than life..._

_I want this more than life._

_He stopped singing and the music wound down, but then he played one last chord, and it felt like a promise of more to come even if it wasn't put into words._

_There was another beat of relative silence broken by the occasional crackling._

"_Those memories were of you Hermione," he said in a gruff emotional voice that was almost unrecognizable as belonging to him._

_Then the scratching and popping began and I knew that I had reached the end of the record._

I pulled my eyes away from the phonograph and looked around my classroom. My eyes burned with the suggestion of tears, but I couldn't cry here. I wanted to hear him again, but I shouldn't listen to it here. Without giving it much more thought I picked up the phonograph and stuck it awkwardly under my arm as I made my way out of the room.

I wandlessly shut the door, and flicked my wrist to throw up some simple wards to keep the students out. Everyone was down at dinner, so I met no one in the hallway as I made my way up to the fifth floor where my quarters were nestled away.

I slipped inside, and made it as far as the living room couch, which was a whopping five feet from the door, before I could not wait any longer to hear it once more. I set the phonograph down on the coffee table, wound the crack, and spun the record back to play once more.

I made it through the second play without crying, but my breathing was labored and I felt flushed and weak in the knees when he said once more that those memories were about me. Those memories that had brought him blissful happiness, those memories that I had been so jealous of because I thought they reaffirmed his love for another woman, those memories had been about me. That perfect happiness so great that he had to close his eyes when he thought of them, included me.

I wound the crank again and played the record back.

On the third time I cried. My heart swelled with emotions that I couldn't name at the idea that he actually loved me in return, and the only relief was for it to leak from my eyes. I wrapped my arms around my torso and I absolutely sobbed, but there was nothing sad about it. I was just so happy that I couldn't seem to function properly. I was happy, and perhaps a little scared. Was a ready to take a risk and admit to him that I felt the same way?

When the tears finally dried and I felt a bit more composed I climbed up from the couch and went to look out of my window. The snow was falling gently this evening and reminded me of the Christmas movies I used to watch with my parents. I bucked against the feeling of sadness that tried to settle in my heart and wondered if Severus had meant the record to be a Christmas present. It was just a couple days until Christmas and he very well could have. Was I supposed to get him a present? He didn't want me to sing to him did he? I was absolutely pants at singing. What if he assumed because I could play piano that I could also sing?

I cut those thoughts off before I could work myself into a right state, and reminded myself that the Severus that I had grown to love had never been terribly presumptuous about me. He was careful and patient, for the most part, and he always did his best to make me feel comfortable. Surely his point had not been to make me uncomfortable. _No Hermione, _I chided myself, _he flat out told you what his intentions has been. 'To show you how I feel,' that is what he had said._

Well I liked the way he felt about me. I wanted to feel the way he made me feel with that song every day. Or even just once more. It made me greedy. I was scared of what I wanted, but I was greedy to feel it once more. I set the record to play once more as I pulled out a bit of parchment and some ink and quill.

_Dear Severus,_

_I received your record today._

_I have already listened too it four times. I think it is quite likely I will continue to listen to is as the night goes on._

_My heart is drowning in the emotions your voice caused. To know that you feel those things for me, when I've felt so abnormal for feeling things for you… I am not nearly as eloquent as you and find myself unable to put it to words._

_I was hoping after the Christmas holiday has passed that you might be interested in going out for dinner, or something else. I would like very much to go on a date with you if you find you are interested._

_I will be leaving for the Burrow in the morning, but I will return to the castle the day after boxing day._

_Yours truly,_

_Hermione_


	28. It Came Upon the Midnight Clear

**For some reason this chapter just would not come. I think my creativity was stemmed by terror actually. We had a bomb threat at work, and I've been pretty useless for a few days now since it happened. Sorry to have made you wait so long.**

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><p><em><strong>Song for this chapter: When the Heartache Ends by Rob Thomas and Beyond by Matthew Mayer<strong>_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

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><p>It was with a surprisingly light heart that I packed a small bag and stepped into my fireplace to floo to the Burrow. I stepped out into the kitchen and Molly was there waiting for me with open arms. I gave myself a quick once over to be sure that I wasn't covered in soot, and then I threw myself into her welcoming embrace.<p>

"Good morning Hermione," Molly chuckled as she gave me a tight squeeze before releasing me and holding me out at an arm's length to look at me. "You look radiant my dear. What's different about you?"

"I've uhm" I stuttered looking around to make sure that there was no one in the kitchen with us, when I was certain we were alone I continued. "I've asked Severus out to dinner."

"Have you?" she asked rather cheekily with her eyes lighting up with mischief.

"Yes," I chirped, realizing just how excited I was about this. "Only I've done it in a letter, so I don't know if he's actually accepted it. But I think he'll be accepting wouldn't he? I mean he sent me the record, he told me how he felt so surely he wouldn't turn me down for dinner…"

"Calm down honey," she soothed pulling me back under her arm and moving us toward the living room. "He gave you a record?"

"Yes, he recorded a song for me." I told her as we sat down on the couch. "He said after hearing me play the piano that it seemed like the perfect way to tell me how he feels. And how he feels was… is beautiful."

"He serenaded you?" she asked seeming stunned.

"He did," I gushed. "So I asked him out to dinner."

"Who did you ask out for dinner?" Harry asked, walking into the living room with Ginny just behind him.

"You said you don't date!" Ginny whined. "Why couldn't you send me an owl later to let me know it was just Neville you had the problem with?"

"Ginny!" Molly scolded. "I specifically told you not to try and set her up on a date. Did you go ahead and do it anyway?"

"But Mom," Ginny whined sounding more like a teenager than the young adult she was. "I just want her to be happy like me and Harry."

"Who said I wasn't happy?' I asked her quietly looking up at her as calmly as I could.

"You don't seem happy," she sighed. "You don't seem anything like the girl who used to bunk with me during the holidays."

"I'm not," I said as calmly as I could. "I am not that girl anymore. I've lived an entire lifetime between the last time I bunked with you and now. I'm different. I need you to accept that."

"We do," Harry said firmly looking down at his wife with a stern eye. "You will always be our Hermione no matter how you change."

Ginny's lips resembled a dying fish for a moment but then she simply offered me a weak smile and dipped her head to stare at the floor. I could tell she felt awful and I didn't want to prolong her suffering.

"It's okay Ginny, I'm not upset with you anymore," I said kindly. "Just please don't try and set me up anymore okay?"

"I promise," she vowed. "But will you at least tell me who it is you asked out to dinner."

"I don't know if I should," I hedged looking at Molly from the corner of my eye.

"Oh come on, it would be the best Christmas present you could give me!" Ginny pushed.

"Look if I tell you, you have to promise to act like an adult and not fly off the handle," I sighed.

"I promise," she agreed quickly, too quickly to have really thought about what that meant.

"It's Severus," I said quietly, just waiting for the explosion.

"Severus?" she said, her brow constricting in confusion. "As in Severus Snape?"

"Hermione are you sure about this?" Harry asked quietly. "I'll support whatever you choose, but he's 20 years older than us, and a bit of a wanker if you ask me."

"Luckily I didn't ask you," I said stiffly. "I am quite sure about this Harry Potter."

"No you aren't," Ginny said quietly, looking a little green around the edges. "You just think its expected of you because he went after you and all."

"Ginny," Harry cut across her, his eyes starting to harden as the tension grew in the room.

"What would you know of my feelings on the matter?" I responded icily. "You don't know anything at all about me, you've admitted as much with you unwitty assumptions about me."

"It the age old damsel in distress story," Ginny plowed on, her ears growing red just like her older brother's used to. "Girl is in danger, boy saves girl, girl throws herself at his feet and marries him simply for being in the right place at the right time."

"Ginerva Weasley," Molly started and I could hear the beginnings of the towering fury I had heard fearful stories about.

"Don't," I breathed quietly, hoping to cut her off at the pass and avoid a real scene. "I am going to say this once, and then I will not address it again Ginerva. While I will always appreciate the fact that Severus was the only person in this world to ignore the assumption that I was dead and come after me, it has very little to do with why I love him. I love him for the tender care that he shows me, and the deep friendship that I found in him in a time when I could not even befriend myself. I love him for knowing my soul when it was at its most ugly and not turning away from me. So you may choose to think he is a prince in shining armor and that is the only reason I love him, but I will assure much as Severus would that only thing that brings him within the realm of being s Prince is his mother's premarital surname."

There was a resounding silence after I spoke where everyone seemed to be looking at one another trying to find the right words and failing. I stood from the couch and took a deep breath.

"Well this Christmas Eve has already been rather eventful," I sighed turning to look at Molly. "I think I will venture out for a bit of air. Send me word when you wish me to return for dinner?"

"Of course dear," she said stiffly, and I had a feeling I hadn't really stopped the tongue lashing that was coming, just assured that I would not have to personally witness it.

I walked out of the living room without looking back, and made quick work navigating through the kitchen and out the back door. I pulled up short nearly running into a startled looking Ron who has his hand on the lower back of his rather pregnant wife as he lead her up the steps.

"Ron, Lavender," I nodded awkwardly as I slid around them and bustled across the yard toward the gate. "Happy Christmas."

Though it wasn't feeling like a particularly happy Christmas at the moment if I were being honest about it. I was feeling rather flustered when confronted by Ginny's accusations, and I hadn't envisioned spending my holiday wandering around a muggle neighborhood with my hands buried in my cloak pockets puffing against the cold air. I had to shuffle through the snow, and the bottom of my cloak had soaked through rather quickly. If it weren't for the fact that it would upset Molly so I would have made my way back to the castle already. I suddenly had no interest in spending the holiday with what was beginning to look like my former friends. I wanted to spend it with Molly and Arthur, but it was starting to feel like I would have to pay a high price to do so.

When the sun threatened to set I made my way to a park where the lamps were more frequent and made it less likely that I would end up sitting in the dark like some lost specter. I found a wooden bench that sat directly beneath a lamp and used my sleeve to brush away the snow that had collected on the seat onto the ground before taking a seat.

"How did I end up alone in some muggle town again," I asked myself on a sigh, my breath clouding in the air before my face.

That was the big difference wasn't it? I didn't want to be alone anymore. I wasn't even entirely sure I wanted to be in the muggle realm either. It had taken great pains on the behalf of Severus to bring me back to Hogwarts, but now that I was there I hated being anywhere else. I was supposed to spend the holiday with what family I had, but I found that all I wanted now was to curl up before the fire in my quarters and ring in Christmas day with a glass of wine and perhaps a good book. I wished a bit that I still Crooks, as he would be a welcome addition to my holiday, but I never had found out where he had gotten to after everything that had happened _that night_.

The decision seemed easy when I sat and really thought about it. I just didn't want to be here now. I wanted to be at home, and where home was had changed. I would return for the evening gathering and enjoy hot coco with Molly like I had been looking forward to for weeks now, but then I would say my goodbyes and make my way back to the castle.

I was drawn out of my thoughts by the chiming of church bells in the distance. The rung cheerily through the night for a few moments, and I remembered that the catholic church often held a midnight mass for Christmas. Attending the Latin mass with my parents felt like it was a life time ago, and yet I was suddenly yearning for it. I wondered vaguely if spell work had come so easily to me because I had already learned at least a basic understanding of the Latin language, but it was brushed away by the sudden conviction that I would be going to that mass tonight. Maybe I could spend the holiday with my birth parents anymore, but I could spend it how we would have if we had been together tonight.

I stood up, shaking some warmth back into my limbs and decided that I would make my way back to the Burrow now rather than waiting for Molly to summon me. I would have to leave earlier if I planned to make the mass, so I should get in as much time with them as I could before I left. Not to mention that I would need to change, my wizarding robes simply weren't appropriate for church. I didn't even own a head covering anymore, I would have to transfigure one before I went.

I looked left and right, ascertaining that there were no muggles watching, and then I focused my mind on the gate leading into the Burrow. I turned with determination and disappeared with a crack. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the terrible pressure, and when I opened my eyes once more I was looking at the cheery home that had laughter floating out into the night air through the thin window panes.

I hurried through the crunchy snow and back in through the kitchen where I found Molly preparing dinner while everyone laughed and chatted in the living room. I pressed my fingers to my lips when she turn to look at me with her mouth falling open. I wasn't quite ready for everyone to know I was back just yet.

"I need to bustle upstairs and change out of these wet clothes, but I wanted to talk to you while I had the chance," I told her quietly. "I am going to stay and enjoy the rest of the evening with you, but then I am going to go to the midnight mass at the local church before returning to Hogwarts for Christmas."

"But Hermione," Molly began.

"No it okay," I said with a shake of the head. "I'm not upset anymore. I've just realized that I would rather be alone tomorrow. It seems an odd thing, but I think I need it. I think I need some time to just be. A gift to myself if you will."

"If you're sure," she said sadly, and I knew it was the last thing she wanted, but she didn't want to push me away like her daughter had.

"I am," I told her with a soft smile before I turned away and made my way out of the kitchen.

I made it about halfway up the stairs before I ran into Ron. He was making his way down so I assumed he had gone up to his old room for whatever it was he had clutched in his hand. It looked like it might have once been a teddy bear, though it had seen better days.

"Hey," he said brightly, stopping in a manner that unfortunately blocked me from moving past him.

"Hey," I answered quietly.

"Look I heard what happened today," he said with tight eyes. "Ginny was a bit in-eloquent about it, but I think she only meant to express concern about you being hurt."

"It's rather odd to think you are here explaining some else's rash words," I said with a dry chuckle though my voice had been frosty.

"Things change when you grow up," he shrugged. "People change. And maybe Snape has changed, but if he hasn't, then I am worried about you getting hurt as well."

"He wouldn't hurt me," I grumbled.

"He could," Ron said lightly. "I think Ginny did a rather good job of pointing out how easy it is for any of us to hurt someone we care about just a few hours ago."

"Well I trust that he won't hurt me," I said somewhat petulantly. "But if you are my friend, then I hope that you can just agree to let me do what I will and be here after the heartache comes if that is theonly way you think it can end."

"I will hope that it ends any other way," he said with a nod. "But I will be here no matter which way it does end."

"Thank you Ron," I said, feeling my face lighten at his words. "I've missed you you know."

"Same here," he said quietly. "Even after years of thinking you were dead, I always wanted to share my news with you first like when Lavender said yes, or when I found out we were going to have a baby. It's a boy you know?"

"Oh Ron that is so great!" I gushed, reaching out impulsively to pull him into celebratory hug.

It wasn't until his shocked intake of air that I realized I hadn't touched him in years. Somehow I had forgotten that our last interaction had been me magically forcing him out of the house I was in and screaming like a mad woman. He was frozen in shock for a moment, and then he returned the hug fiercely, nearly crushing me with how tightly he squeezed.

"Well, I need to go get changed into dry clothes," I said as a bit of an awkward segue when he released me. "See you at dinner?"

"Yeah," he all but chirped before he trundle off down the stairs with his beaten up bear.

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><p>Dinner had only been a bit awkward what with Ginny seemingly afraid to look at me, and Harry still seeming a bit angry about the whole ordeal, but other than that it was rather cheerful. We shared roast beef and later a chocolate bread pudding while all of us laughed and simply reveled in the holiday cheer. I drank my hot chocolate by the fire while Molly and Arthur danced to a Worbeck song, and then I made my round of goodbyes for the night. It was taxing to my nerves and pushed my limits of acceptance but I gave a hug to each and every Weasley and Potter in the place before I pulled my bag over my shoulder once more and made my way back toward the muggle village once more.<p>

I wondered what they would have for Christmas breakfast, and if they would enjoy the presents I had gotten them as I walked through the village that was still fairly well lit considering how late the night was getting. I didn't feel particularly sad not to be spending the holiday with them, but I found I didn't want to linger on it too much either.

When I reached the church I seemed to be one of the last arriving so I didn't have to wait to get inside. I stepped off the side of the doors where the was a coat rack and removed my cloak, hanging my overnight bag on the hangar before draping my cloak over it to hide it. I brushed imagined lint from my simple grey dress, silently begrudging that it the hem at the knee seemed to be clinging to my black tights. I produced the black lace head covering I had created just this evening and quickly pinned it into place in my hair before I mounted the stairs that would lead me in to the church proper.

It was a sense of home coming much like I had felt when walking into the yard of the Burrow not so long ago as I stepped into the church and dipped my fingers into the holy water by the door. I made the cross allowing the small drop of water to linger on my forehead as I slipped into a pew in the back just before the doors were closed. The room was fairly packed with the families sharing the special Christmas mass with one another, and I felt a little pang at sitting alone in my pew. I wished that my parents could be here with me tonight, but I tried to let go of my sadness and remember that they were in a better place now.

The doors swung open once more to allow the processional of alter boys and the priest to enter, and my lungs filled with air saturated by the incense they carried with them. It was soothing and energizing at the same time and I took deep breaths of it feeling relieved with the holy water sprinkled from the scepter the priest welded over the congregation as he passed rained down on me. I had never considered myself to be terribly religious, particularly after agreeing to go to school at Hogwarts, but it felt like my soul had been crying out for this service for a long time and I was finally giving in to something I truly needed.

I seemed not to truly be inside of myself as the Latin words danced through the air. I spent most of the service on my knees, but I did not feel the pain of the old wooden plank. The service went late into the night, but I did not feel tired. I simply felt as if I was being bathed in a special kind of love and it left me floating in a state of competition that I could not find the words to properly express.

I partook of communion for the first time in years, and the wine had never tasted sweeter. I felt like a child once more when the priest gently placed the wafer on my tongue, but I felt like I was much older than I truly was as I stepped away from the foot of the alter and I knew that it was unlikely that I would return here any time soon.

I joined in the last of the singing as the service ended and I let go of all the burdens that were left within me. I let go of the terrible sadness I was feeling over the absence of my parents. I let go of the suffocating anger I felt at the way Ginny had spoken to me. I let go of the trepidation I felt at the possibility that she and Ron could somehow be right about everything. I let go of every worry and sadness that I felt and allowed myself to be filled with the glorious love that was being shared in this church. When I was full to the brim with good feelings, I slipped out of the church and put my cloak on once more. I threw my bag over my shoulder once more and stole away into the night with the destination of Hogwarts clear in my mind.


	29. You were a winter's day

_**Song for this chapter: Mid Air by Naama Hill (this song is amazing but you won't be able to find it on youtube, so I think you should take the time to search for it on google)**_

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

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><p>I read the letter twice to let it sink in. It was as close as she had gotten to admitting what she had said when she thought I was unconscious. The thought of trying to say those same words to her was actually terrifying, but I yearned to hear her say it to me. Possibly I just yearned to hear it said at all, having gone without hearing since the early years of my childhood when my mother was still willing to say it aloud. I'd prefer to hear it without idiot attached, but I would take it any way I could get it. Of course it wouldn't do for her to realize just how needy I am.<p>

_I would like very much to go on a date with you if you find you are interested. _That was what she had said, and my immediate urge was to run up to her chambers and accept. When did I become so… not me? I actually had to force myself to sit down. To wait and give it some time before I accept the date. I wanted to make the right impression. I wanted to impress.

Severus Snape wants to impress a woman, a former student of his no less. What would people think? Who cared honestly? I only cared what she thought honestly. So I sat through the rest of the night after receiving her note. I went to bed, and waited half the way through Christmas eve before I penned a note in response to her. I kept it short and to the point while trying not to come off like the old surly potions professor.

_Hermione,_

_I would like very much to take you out for the evening. Would you be so inclined to join me for a night on the town in London to ring in the New Year? Should you agree I will be waiting for you in the entrance hall at six in the evening._

_Yours Truly,_

_Severus_

And then I had to wait some more. Only now I allowed myself to occupy my time with arranging the perfect evening out. I made reservations for the most romantic restaurant in muggle London. I was surprised to discover that making your reservation on Boxing Day, for a well booked Holiday only five days away was essentially impossible. Well, if you weren't me. I made a trip into the restaurant and drug out the old dungeon bat persona until the poor girl gave me the reservation just to get me out of the building. It wasn't the nicest way to do it, but it was certainly better than using an unforgivable to procure the table.

When I had arranged the meal I saw to booking a moonlit carriage ride through Regents Park before joining the celebration around the center pond with fireworks and a bit of music. I wasn't one to watch a romantic film or really give much credence to what was romantic, but I wanted this night to be perfect for her. I'd gathered enough from little witches tittering amongst themselves before lessons to gather bits and piece together a general idea of what women found appealing on a date. Most of it had to be tossed out for the magical nature or magical locations. This first date was all about making Hermione happy, making it perfect for her, so no magic this time.

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><p>The days of waiting for New Years to come were far too long, and I was rather ridiculous in how frequent I checked the time. I began to worry over things to the point that I did not even recognize my own behavior.<p>

Would she like the food? Would she even want to go for a carriage ride in the park? Did she want to go out on New Year 's Eve? She hadn't said anything about the date even though I knew she must be in the castle having returned on Boxing Day. Of course I hadn't requested a reply. I had simply assume she would want to go out on New Year's eve. What is she already had plans?

My mental turning was put on hold when Winky appeared in my chambers with a note clutched in her hand. I focused in on it, but heart naturally speeding up a bit at the assumption that the note was from her. I maintained a stern façade as I reached to snatch it from her hands.

"Missus says to wait for a response," she said quietly as she curtsied back a step to wait patiently.

_Severus,_

_You've forgotten to tell me how to dress._

_Yours,_

_Hermione._

It was short and quite pointed, but still I was pleased. Yes, she did want to go. Yes, she was invested in the evening and wanted her attire to reflect that. Yes, she was still calling herself mine. Yours, it was such a simple word, and yet now it was my favorite in the entire language.

"Tell her to dress for dinner, but to bring a jacket," I told the elf with a voice that sounded much nicer than she was likely to have expected from me.

"Yes Master Snape," Winky said with a sweeping bow before she popped out of existence.

With Winky gone I just had to wait a few more hours until it time.

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><p>By the time five o'clock rolled around I was dressed, rather uncomfortably if I were being honest, and waiting for Hermione in the entrance hall. I had dressed like a muggle since that was where we would be dining, but the change in color I had done for Hermione. Without my frock coat covering, it, I felt exposed in my white oxford. Though my wizarding robes had a high neck and were not at all uncomfortable, the silken blue tie around my neck felt as if it were trying to strangle me slowly. I pushed all thoughts of being a fake or an idiot from my mind and focused my ears to listen for the sound of approaching feet.<p>

At one minute to six I heard the click of a heel on the top of the marble steps and I turned my head toward the sound. My breath hitched momentarily in my chest when I saw her. She was wearing a bluish green dress that reminded me of the ocean both in the color and in the way the skirt of the dress seemed to flow around her. There was a gathering on her hip that made it look like a waterfall, but I found my attention seemed to linger on the barely there straps and the way the dress clung to her chest.

As she drew closer I could see that much of her skin was now flawless, only further adding to her beauty in the way her smooth peach skin contrasted her dress. The scar on her face was still visible even though it had faded, and the scar wrapping around her right bicep still drew a bit of attention if you were looking for it. I noticed that tonight the word that had been carved in to her arm was hidden, and I wondered if the glamor was for my benefit or hers.

"You look stunning," I told her when she stopped in front of me leaving a two foot gap between us. "You have however forgotten you jacket, and I suspect it will be quite cold tonight."

"My jacket is hidden as well as my wand is Severus," she said cheekily before giving me a quick once over. "I see that you do not appear to be in possession of a jacket either."

"No mine is shrunken and stowed in my pocket, I chuckled. "Are you ready to leave witch?"

"Gladly," she smiled and I offered her my arm.

It was a good thing there were no students around in the entrance hall to see the dreaded potions master with an actual smile on his face. I was not one to smile often, but the ease with which Hermione wrapped her arm around mine warranted at the very least a smile. I kept one hand firmly on top of Hermione's hand on my arm, and used the other to turn my cuff link which I had arranged to have turned into a portkey for tonight's use. One turn to the left sent us into a designated arrival point in London not far from the restaurant, and a turn back to the right would deposit us once more in the entrance hall of Hogwarts. Securing the portkey meant alerting Minerva to an outing with Hermione, but I had refrained from calling it a date in order to avoid further acknowledgment of the twinkle that had appeared n her eye when I had asked her to speak to the ministry on my behalf.

There was a tugging behind my navel and I tightened my grip infinitesimally on Hermione's hand to ensure she was not left behind. It was the only magic I was requiring for the evening, but I was still a bit nervous that she might pull away in a moment of skittishness and rather ungracefully end the date.

"Severus," Hermione gasped as our feet made contact with the pavement of the alley a few streets down from Ledbury. "How did you get permission for a portkey out of Hogwarts? You did get permission right?"

"Yes I got permission woman," I sneered, but there was no real menace to it. "The headmistress is rather pleased with me at the moment, so it did not take much wheedling to get her to agree to speak to the ministry on my behalf."

"And why is the headmistress so pleased with you?" she asked as I deftly steered us out of the alley and down toward the restaurant.

"I may or may not have agreed to extend my contract beyond the initial two years I agreed to give her," I said lightly as I nodded my head to the gentleman in a waistcoat who opened the door for us.

"Why did you only agree to two years in the beginning?" she asked, her left brow climbing slightly like it was wont to do when she was curious about something.

"That is a story for another time," I said in a light voice, hoping to keep her off the scent for now in order to keep the night from falling apart.

"Do you have a reservation sir?" a young woman in a black dress asked as she glanced up from her book to look at Hermione and myself.

"Yes it is under Severus Snape," I said formally, watching Hermione from the corner of my eye to gauge her reaction.

Her eyes were bright as they flitted around the restaurant taking in the low lighting and the black drapes that obscured most of the dining room from our view in front of the podium. I wasn't sure if she saw the signage for The Ledbury when we entered, but I felt certain that having grown up in muggle London she would have heard of it.

"Right the way," the hostess said when she found my name in her ledger and led us through the gap in the black velvet curtains and lead us in a weaving path through the tables.

"I assume you used magic to get a reservation at the Ledbury on a Holiday with short notice," Hermione whispered conspiratorially as we followed the hostess to the table on the edge of what appeared to be a dance floor that was speckled with a couple here and there.

"Perhaps," I said noncommittally, pulling out her chair when the hostess gestured to the table we were to be sitting at. "I take it you know the reputation of the restaurant."

"Yes my parents used to come her once a month," she said with a light smile, and it was nice to see her mention her parents without seeming to be in pain. "I only joined them once, but I remember the food to be quite good."

"Well let's hope they outshine your memories," I said as I took my own seat.

The conversation stalled momentarily while we perused out menus and a server appeared to pour water for us. There was not much banter while we made our decisions, but I found it quite interested when we both ordered the Roast Quail with Peas, Iberian Ham and Mousserons. The waiter brought us a white wine to enjoy with our meal and I fell into an easy conversation with Hermione about how her attempts to alter how muggle studies was going.

"My third years are far more receptive than the older students," she explained between bites of quail. "I think each year will be a little easier as the students with their prejudices so firmly in place have graduated. For now I think that's the best that I can hope for."

"Old habits do die rather hard," I nodded. "All we can do is try though. I am interested in readdressing the combined potions and muggle studies sometime this term if you are still interested."

"I would like that," she gushed before gently shaking her head at the dessert menu the waiter was holding out to her in offering.

I watched as her eyes lingered momentarily on the dance floor before returning to mine. I saw the little glimmer fade back into a determined scholarly look and I realized as she propositioned hosting a joint lecture that what she really wanted to do was join the couples that were dancing. It may well be my best kept secret that I did know how to dance, and the prospect of seeing that playful glimmer return to her eye had me contemplating revealing it.

If I revealed that I could in fact dance, would she expect me to tell her where I had learned? It was just a hunch I suppose, but revealing that my dancing lessons had come from some of the more benign revels that had been hosted by Narcissa at the Malfoy manor. While I thought she might enjoy the fact that I knew how to waltz, it might leave a bitter taste in her mouth to know that after such a dance I was often expected to join a hunting expedition sent out to round up the nights 'entertainment.'

"Would you like to dance Hermione?" I asked her after tossing back the last of my wine and throwing caution to the wind.

"I would love to," she smiled.

I stood quickly from my seat and slid around the table so I could offer her my hand before she stood, like a proper gentleman. She set her napkin down on the table and placed her hand in mine. As she casually placed her palm against mine I remembered a time when she would have been terrified to do even that. I reveled in the comfort that existed between us now and I lead her through the gathers of black curtains out onto the small dance floor where two other couples danced. Once we set foot on the floor cleared of tables we could better here the string quartet that was playing softly.

A waltz I thought as the music hit my ears, and I couldn't help but smirk just a bit as I offered my hands out prepared to take her hand in mine, and lay my other hand on her upper back should she allow it. She offered me a brief shy smile, and then she placed her right hand in mine, and gently laid her left hand on my shoulder. I slid my hand into place, and began to move in an even three count step that created a small circle.

Hermione moved easily with me, so I to a chance, and turned gently guiding with my hand to spin us, and she easily tiled her hips and let her feet follow me around the dance floor. It was clear that she had waltzed before, and I too more liberties in using more advanced steps. She followed me so smoothly that I suspected she might actually know how to waltz better than me, but was simply allowing me to lead.

"You have danced before," I said quietly when the music increased in tempo and she swiveled her hips in time with my turning causing her dress to twirl between us.

"Yes," she smiled, her cheeks alight with a happy pink blush. "Dancing was about the only thing that made the debutant parties my mother insisted on dragging me too bearable."

I followed the melody the violin was singing out and added a bit of a spring to my step bringing us rather effortlessly through the most difficult and intricate waltz steps that I knew as I thought about what she had said. I wondered if it would be inappropriate to ask for clarification on if what I suspected she had just admitted was accurate. Unless I was very much mistaken on how I understood the muggle word, Hermione had just admitted to me that she came from money.

"You are gentry?" I asked finally as I lifted my arm and spun her under it to temporarily break eye contact as I grimaced at how inelegant my question had been.

"So to speak," she said quietly as she spun back to me and returned her hand to mine. "Does that bother you?'

I looked into her eyes as I thought about that question. Did it bother me that she came from a wealthy family and I came from the family that had squandered away what was left of the Prince family fortune? Perhaps a generation or two ago it would have bothered me. But I lived in a time where gender roles were not so strict, and I agreed with them. No, I could accept that she was far more wealthy than I had ever dared dreaming to achieve.

"No it doesn't bother me," I answered finally as we slowed to a gentle sway as the music faded to a conclusion. "You've managed to keep that under wraps for quite some time. As a spy I must salute you."

She dipped her head in acceptance of my rather ridiculous salute and then she laugh a great full laugh with her head tilted back, and for a moment all I could think about was how beautiful she was. As her laughter faded the next song began, and as the low and reverberating chords were struck I realized what type of dance the song was meant to elicit and I wondered if Hermione would be up for such a dance.

"Dare you?" I asked her, looking at her hand still clasped in mine and wondering if she would actually agree to tango with me.

She placed her other hand back on my shoulder and turned her head to the left. I thought for a moment she was simply going to endure the dance for me, and decided to release her from the request all together when she gave a subtle tug. I allowed her a moment to lead as she pulled our shoulders right then left with a turn of the head silently telling me yes, and giving a physical instruction to begin leading in a broken tango.

I slid into action, my feet leading us with more purpose around the dance floor that I might have noticed had emptied if I was looking anywhere other than the profile of the woman in my arms who was looking off to the side like I should have been. Our steps bobbed slightly, and our eyes met when whe instinctually turned out heads in the manner that was expected during a tango. For a moment I saw her eyes, and there was a heat in them that made me hungry while at the same time made maintaining my dancing frame that kept distance between our bodies that much more difficult.

The music trilled, and I spun her out and away from me, before bring her back into my embrace, her chest grazing mine as her dress fluttered around our legs.

She surprised me by kicking her leg up, and while her wait was shifted, I braced her shoulder in the crook of my elbow and leaned her slowly toward the floor. Her leg folded into the other so effortlessly you would have thought we did this dance every night. When I brought her slowly back to a standing position, and her face was close to mine, I nearly lost all self-control. _Maintain your dance frame_ I shouted at myself in my head, to keep myself from giving into the urge to claim her lips with mine.

I backed her up through the empty space of the dance floor, spinning her once more, and for a moment she had both arms wrapped around my neck and her mouth was so close to mine I swear I could taste her already. She released her hold on me, and placed a hand on my chest, taking her turn to back me across the floor before I took her hands back in mine and we danced.

When the cello music swelled I slid my hand into the delicate curls she had loosely secured at the nape of her neck and supported her while I leaned her into a deep dip that left her neck exposed in the most tantalizing way. She pulled instinctively slower to me when I brought her back to her feet once more and we twirled once more around the dance floor before the music began to unwind into the end of the song. I spun her into a deep dip that left her leg wrapped around my thing for support before I pulled her up with the ending of the song. There was a beat of silence where her mouth was a mere inch from mine and I wanted so badly to claim her.

I was debating if I should just lean in and do it when applause interrupted me, and I broke eye contact with her to see that the other couples that had stopped dancing as well as those seated near the dance floor were clapping for the performance we had just put on. Hermione's face flamed red with embarrassment, and I thought it best not to add to it by kissing her now.

"I think that is just about enough dancing don't you," I said, surprised by how breathy my voice sounded.

She nodded, and I took her hand in mine and lead her off of the dance floor. While I settled with the hostess of our bill Hermione discreetly slipped into the bathroom and returned out jackets to their normal sizes so we might put them on before I took her on to the next portion of the date I had planned.

My blood was still pumping hot through my veins when we stepped out into the chilled night air and found the carriage that I had arranged sitting in the street directly in front of the restaurant waiting for us.

"Severus, you amaze me," Hermione gasped as I helped her into the carriage. "First you reveal to me that you dance, and well at that, and now this? What else don't I know about you?"

"I must guard the secret that I can play the romantic, or I would be unable to uphold my reputation as an evil git," I chuckled at her as I slid into the carriage beside her.

The carriage driver mostly ignored us as he set the horses into motion and we made our way slowly to the park. I decided that the tango had gone so well that it wasn't too likely that Hermione would be afraid of my touch and took the liberty of casually resting my arm around her shoulders and pulling her into my warmth as the night grew steadily colder around us.

"It's beautiful out tonight," Hermione said looking up through the trees of the park to try and see the stars as we entered the park.

"It is," I agreed, but I doubted that she realized I was only looking at her.

There was still snow on the ground of the park, and twinkling lights were strung between the lanterns that stayed in the park year round. It cast a slightly amber light on the winter wonderland around us, and I couldn't think of any way I could have made it more perfect for her. She seemed blissfully happy as she sat snuggled against me watching the couples who walked the smaller paths and the flash of the occasional firework shot off somewhere nearby.

We rode in the carriage until we arrived at the pond in the center of the park where the firework display was set to start any minute. I slid out of the carriage, not worrying about the driver who had been paid ahead of time for his services, and helped Hermione down onto the path which was thankfully clear of snow. I hated to think of her trying to walk through now in the strappy black heels she had chosen to wear with her dress.

We walked around the pond until we found a spot that had a clear view of the center where a boat sat waiting to shoot the fireworks into the air. Hermione stood in front of me, her body a few inches from mine, and did not flinch when I first cast a wandless warming charm over us, and then casually draped my arms around hers to keep it wrapped around us. At least that was how I mentally justified pulling her into my arms, and she didn't seem to have a problem with it. There was a minute of quiet where we had to wait for the spectacle to start, and I couldn't help that my mind wandered to how often I had yearned for a simple affectionate embrace like this one. My heart felt light with the joy of finally _finally_ receiving it after all this time.

Then the fireworks began, and I missed most of the show. Hermione tilted her head back onto my shoulder so she could angle her head up to the sky to see the light show, but I subtle turned my head so I could breathe in the scent of her hair and watched the flashes of light reflect in her eyes. I was too mesmerized by her easy smile, and the way her face was illuminated with each flash of light to really bother with watching the fireworks.

The show came to an end, and through the night air filtered the sound of many people counting._10 her eyes met mine from where her head rested on my shoulder. 9 she turned slowly in my arms, not breaking my embrace but turning around so she could face me. 8 her chest pressed into mine and she looked up with me her eyes shinning with happiness. 7 I slid my hands into the curve of her lower back and gentle caressed her through her jacket while I looked into her eyes. 6 her breathing accelerated and I naturally matched her feeling almost lightheaded with my excitement. 5 she snaked one hand up to tangle in the hair at the base of my neck and I nearly purred with how pleasurable it felt. 4 I brought my hand up to cup her cheek. 3 I gently caressed the scar that lead to her eye with my thumb. 2 she tilted her head further into my hand angling her mouth slightly open her exhaled breathe dancing on my cheek enticingly. 1 the night air filled with the cheers of other people celebrating, but my focus tunneled in to the pin point view of her lips as I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers_.

Our lips danced together, and my chest seemed to expand with a tingling feeling that I couldn't explain. I felt as if I needed to pull her inside me and never let her go, but I somewhat begrudgingly released her from the kiss and stood before her, my hand still holding her face, and panted for air.

"I've never felt anything quite like that," she said breathily as she her hand gripped my hair rhythmically three times before she released her grip and allowed her hand to fall to her side.

"Neither have I." I admitted. "A rather fitting way to ring in the new year if I do say so."

"Yes," she agreed, a brilliant smile breaking out on her face once more. "Take me home Severus."

Gladly, I thought as I wrapped her up tightly in my arms and turned my cufflink one more time.

**So this chapter wouldn't come either, I still blame the bomb. But when I only had two pages and it had been days since an update I said "Fuck it, where's my rum." I then had two glasses and found I suddenly was not to freaked out to write. So if you noticed a decline in the English language after first two pages… well congrats you're sober. Poor you :P**


	30. love will produce love in the loved

_**Songs for this chapter: The Bird and the Worm by Owl City and Daisy by Brand New**_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

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><p>I once believed that my life was over and had given up on finding peace let alone happiness. Things had slowly gotten better and I had begun to believe that I could have peace, but only dreamed of true happiness. But then he kissed me, and for a moment my whole being seemed to swell with unnamable feelings and I felt transcended. I was transformed by his lips, and I wished that I never had to part from them.<p>

I did not recognize the woman who seemed to be living within my body when I arrived in my chambers after parting ways with Severus in the entrance hall. I stood in my bedroom, my coat thrown haphazardly on the bed, my heels in my hand, staring into the mirror trying to find a trace of who I thought I was in the face of the woman with slightly swollen lips and spots of color on her cheek bones. Surprisingly the piece that grounded me, and reminded me that it was still me was the faint white scar that cut through my blush curling away from my eye.

I ran my finger over it, remembering how gentle the pad of his thumb had felt against my skin. It had felt so nice to be touched like that. Surprisingly so, as I had been sure I would never want anyone to touch me in such a way. I had come to accept that I would only ever want the familial hugs offered to me by the Weasley's and the Potters, but suddenly I wasn't so sure. I had felt a heat within me when I moved in his arms on the dance floor, and I had felt an intense spark when he had closed that distance between us and placed his lips over mine.

"Well bugger," I sighed letting the shoes drop onto the floor and flopping unceremoniously onto the bed.

I was in well over my head. Further in than I thought I had been when I had argued with Ginny over the situation. I had been certain of my love for him, but it had been a romantic and caring love that I had been sure of. I hadn't taken the time to analyze any sense of attraction to him. But I was attracted to him. Very much so. There was a part of me that wanted to run down to the dungeons right this instance and claim his lips once more, the late hour be damned.

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><p>But I didn't run down there. I played the role of the responsible adult and I stayed in my bed and eventually I even managed to fall asleep. It took until the very early hours in the morning for me to drift off, so I allowed myself to release any guilt I felt over sleep in until past noon the next morning. When I finally rose the sun was streaming into my rooms brightly, intensified by the way it reflected off of the snow on the grounds.<p>

I continued my lazy day by slipping into a hot bubble bath and perusing yet another ridiculous book published by a wizard supposedly explaining muggles. It was as idiotic as the last one I had read, and left me feeling more resolute about writing my own book to educate the masses. I stayed in the bath far longer than was needed, and was rather prune like when I finally dried and dressed myself in a comfortable pair of track pants and a sweater. I was pulling my unruly half dried hair into a French braid when Dobby appeared in my chambers seeming to actually vibrate with excitement.

"What is it Dobby?" I asked him softly, waiting for the explosion of excited chatter that was sure to follow.

"Master Snape wishes to invite you on an evening stroll!" Dobby gushed bouncing up and down on his tiny feet. "He wishes to meet you as he sun sets."

"I find that agreeable," I answered, perhaps a little eagerly. "Tell him I shall meet him on the steps outside of the entrance hall please."

"Yes mistress," he chirped and he disappeared with a small pop.

Well track pants and a sweater wouldn't do for a second date with the elusive potions master now would it? I abandoned my seat on the couch and went to dress in my warmest black slacks and a much more respectable cream colored sweater. I didn't want to seem like I was trying to hard so I kept the braid in my hair and after much debate decided not to use any makeup. Besides the cold air would end up turning my cheeks pink anyway, it would be as if I had worn blush anyway.

Then I had the rest of the afternoon to wait out, so I sat distractedly making notes about what I would put in my book if I were actually to do this. I attempted to make a bit of an outline for what I would put in which chapter, but I kept getting distracted with silly daydreams about that kiss, and kisses I hoped to have in the future.

By the time the light started to fade in my windows I was right shot of trying to pretend I was being productive. I replaced the stopped in my ink well, and went to pull on woolen socks and my rain boots. They looked slightly ridiculous in their rubber sheen, paired with my tight knit slacks, but they would keep my feet dry as we moved through the snow, so I allowed it. Hopefully Severus simply wouldn't notice.

I grabbed my cloak, and began fastening the many buttons as I made my way through the halls quickly. I fastened the last button as I hit the first set of stairs, and had my gloves on by the second set of stairs. It wasn't until I reached the marble staircase, and saw the tail of his robes whipping out the door that it occurred to me that I should have grabbed a scarf as well. I shook my head against the idea of going back to retrieve it and instead followed after that fluttering black fabric.

"Good evening,' he said in his silky voice as I pushed open the heavy wooden door and saw him standing at the foot of the stairs waiting expectantly for me.

He was returned to his wizardly splendor with his flowing black robes in place once more. I could see the high neck of his frock coat peeking out just over the top of the emerald green scarf he had wrapped loosely around his neck. When he withdrew his hand from within his robe to offer me his arm I saw that he was wearing leather gloves, and I felt a bit childish in my light pink knit gloves my mother had given to me two years ago. I took his arm anyway, and relaxed when I saw his lips tip up gently at the sight of them.

"Good evening to you as well," I said as he began to lead me onto the still somewhat snowy path that lead down toward the lake.

"What did you do with your last day of vacation?" he asked me as we began our leisurely stroll.

"I read quite a bit," I said, not quite ready to divulge that I was seriously considering writing a tet book just yet. "How about you?"

"I also read," he said lightly. "I encountered a particularly interesting article in one of my potion periodicals about the possible added benefits of adding a hint of chamomile to the wolfsbane potion. I am wondering if Lupin would be willing to let me try the additive in his next month's brew to see if it does in fact calm the lingering anxieties that he feels when making the transition. I understand that he is quite upset about Tonks asking him to stay in the study when he transforms, what with their young son just down the hall from him."

"Remus has always trusted your potion making abilities," I answered. "I would bet at least a galleon he would allow you to try it if only just the once to see if it helps."

"It was tested by the article author, so I doubt it would end up poisoning the man," Severus said as he turned us to walk along the shore of the frigid lake. "And though there is still no lost love between us, I wouldn't want to take an unnecessary risk with his health. There is a chance he could be allergic, or that the result was singular to the author's patient."

We quickly fell into a discussion about the interactivity of all the ingredients as well as what I knew of Lupin's potential allergies. By the time we had made a full circle around the lake the golden hue of the sunset had fallen behind the mountains and we were in relative darkness save for the floating orbs of light Severus had conjured to float above us as we made our way back toward the castle.

The scholarly discuss had wound to a close when Severus had decided that he would send post to Remus in the morning to ask if he was willing to give it a try, and we had fallen into a comfortable quiet. I was feeling rather playful, and Severus didn't seem to be in a sour mood so I decided to try and initiate a snow game with him. I waited until he had glanced off in the direction of Hagrid's cabin, and then I stealthily withdrew my arm from the crook of his elbow and stooped to grab a handful of snow as I twisted away from him.

I heard his sharp intake of breath in reaction to my abrupt departure from his arms, but I ignored it and turned back to face him quickly. I tossed the half formed snowball at his chest and began to run from him. There was a moment of relative quiet broken only by the crunching of my fleeing footsteps before he released a heavy chuckle and I heard his footsteps pursuing me.

I crouched as I run to scoop up more snow, and it slowed me down allowing him to gain ground and close up most of the distance between us. I packed the snow into a ball in my hand as I kept running, and I heard a hitch in his step that suggested he had reached for snow as well. When I turned to toss my snow ball at him, I was hit with his square in the chest. I was laughing so hard as I threw mine back that I missed him completely. I was running backward laughing as he scooped up more snow and threw yet another. I yelped in surprise when it caught me on the chin and dripped down into the bosom of my sweater.

I turned and ran toward the heap of snow that had been created when Hagrid shoveled the snow off of the castle steps. I could hear Severus hot on my heels, but I ran as fast as I could to try and get to the large supply of snow first. He caught me right as I reached the small snow made hill and stuck my hand in to grab a bit of it.

He turned me in his arms as he backed me up until my feet butted up against the heap and I began to tumble backward. I smeared my handful of snow on the top of his head, letting it fall down his hair and onto his robes as he caught me and lowered me gently into the snow.

"It seems you are always making me chase you," he breathed into my ear as his lowered himself onto one knee with his body hovering just inches above mine where I lay in the snow.

It should have been cold with my back slowly growing wet where it touched the frozen snow, but all I felt was heat. His breath was washing over me sending hot goose bumps rushing to the skin of my neck. My eyes danced over his heaving chest and flushed cheeks before landing on his burning eyes and it felt as if my blood were boiling in my veins.

"Only because I want you to catch me," I whispered into the rapidly closing gap between our lips.

"Always," he whispered before he pressed his lips to mine and I forgot all about the snow.

I felt the heat of his lips on mine, as well as that soaring tingling feeling inside of me that I had felt the last time he had kissed me. It swelled larger and larger the longer that his lips moved with mine, and the larger it grew the more it seemed to contain. When he brushed his tongue against my lower lip I felt a swell of yearning rise to meet my surprise and for a moment I could have sworn that I was feeling his emotions somehow.

"Did you feel that?" he panted breaking our kiss and cradling my cheek in his hand.

"What was that," I gasped as I tried to suck in the cold night air to cool myself.

"I haven't the slightest," he said, his voice still a bit ragged as he pulled back and helped me up out of the snow drift. "I would like to do a bit of research on it, but for now I think we should get you inside. I've gotten you all wet."

"I didn't mind," I laughed as I d-`usted the snow from my cloak, and took his arm once more.

"Do you wish me to escort you to your chambers?" he asked once he had let me inside the castle once more.

"I would like that," I said hesitantly. "But I think if you did I would likely invite you inside, and I am not sure I am actually ready for what that would entail."

"Perhaps you are right," he chuckled lightly. "Tomorrow then?"

"Yes," I agreed perhaps too fervently. "Goodnight Severus."

"Goodnight Hermione," he said in a deep voice and he leaned in to steal another kiss that left me breathless and full of that tingling sensation.

I watched him swoop away for a moment before I regained the knowledge of how my feet were meant to function and made my way toward the marble staircase. What was that man doing to me? I felt completely lost, but in an entirely enjoyable way.

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><p>I found it even more difficult to fall asleep that night, and my dreams were less than appropriate when I finally managed it. Severus had awoken a hunger in me, and I found myself both intrigued and terrified by it. I spent most of the day trying to push it from my mind, but the measure of my failure in that was how little I remember of the lessons I had taught that day. I could look at my lesson plans and tell anyone what I had spoken about today, but I wouldn't go as far as to say that I remember speaking about it. Instead I remembered fighting off flushed cheeks, and trying not to smile too much and seem unprofessional.<p>

By the time dinner came around I thought I might die from an unseasonable heat stroke. My skin seemed to flush even warmer as I took my seat at the head table, and Severus slipped into the chair beside me. I tried to take deep calming breaths while I dished up a bit of the Shepard's pie onto my plate, but it was all for not when his silky voice washed over me and I nearly dropped the ladle on the floor.

"I interrupted an interesting debate in the corridor outside of my chambers today," he said in a tone that bordered on inappropriate for polite company before he reined his voice back in. "Do you care to know what it was about?"

"Do tell," I prompted while making the motion of putting food on my fork, but somehow missing the plate entirely and just gesturing oddly with the utensil.

"Two of my third year Slytherin students were arguing with a third about the relevance of wireless technology," he told me while he filled his own plate. "The majority party was actually arguing that wireless electronics were actually better made than most magical counter parts."

I was stunned to hear that a house notorious for hating muggles had students actually arguing that their technology was actually useful, but I was hesitant to say anything out loud. Instead I focused on successfully taking a bite of my dinner.

"I was torn on if I should take points for unbecoming behavior such as arguing," he said as he poured himself a glass of pumpkin juice. "Or to award points for finally breaking out of an old stereotype and thinking for themselves."

"What did you do in the end?" I asked him, surprised by how airy my voice was and trying to school it back to a normal tone.

"I gave all three a detention for tomorrow for the arguing, but I intend to let them serve it with Hagrid so it won't really be a detention," Severus aid quietly. "Then I awarded the two arguing in favor of muggle technology five points each for thinking outside of the box, and five to the other for standing up for what he believed in without being degrading."

"You wouldn't be fluffing up your house's point total would you?" I asked cheekily finally meeting his eyes with a bit of laughter dancing in mine.

He barked out a full laugh, and many heads turned our direction students and staff alike. I shrugged at the staff, and Severus turned an icy glare on the students until they return their attention to something more appropriate.

"You slay me Hermione," he whispered conspiratorially when the attention had turned away from us once more. "But perhaps I shouldn't have given points to the third, I am willing to concede that."

"I am glad I seem to have made some sort of impact on the students," I smiled, taking another bite but finding as Severus took a bite of his own and licked a bit of gravy from his lips that my stomach was already full with something I couldn't quite name.

"It was actually a quite interesting debate they were having, though I must admit I couldn't follow part of it," Severus continued. "They were first arguing over the radio, and in the end I think I do have to agree that the wizard wireless network is superior in its ability to be heard anywhere. But when they were arguing over the internet I became a bit confused. One of the students was comparing it to the floo network and that didn't quite make much sense to me."

I thought about that for a minute, as at first it didn't make sense to me either. I encouraged my students to argue whatever point they liked so long as they could support it with fact, so I was accustomed to deciphering points that seemed a bit confusing at first.

"I think the comparison would be in bringing knowledge into the home," I said finally. "While the floo would make a more obvious connection with the telephone, it could conceivably be used to transport knowledge in the form of books or knowledgeable people."

"I would have to side with the two students however," Severus said after he considered what I had pointed out. "The internet is quicker in delivering the knowledge, and none of it is covered in soot."

"Well you have a point there," I laughed, watching him continue to eat while I played with my own dinner. "But the internet has the limitation of needing a connection as well as requiring that you have an electronic device that can support it. Which of course would be absolutely impossible in places such as Hogwarts."

"But if it is wireless, then surely there is a way," Severus mused.

"Wireless signals are localized though," I explained. "They are actually brought into the home via wire, and then broadcasted wirelessly by another device. It isn't as if there is a blanket wireless signal flowing throughout the world. It would be impossible to support."

"Without magic it would be," he hedge meeting my eyes, and a spark of excitement seeming to dance in his. "But who is to say that a magical signal couldn't be created to mimic that of the internet, and be made to stretch across the globe. Witches and wizards could become instantly connected, and knowledge more rapidly spread among our people."

"How would you get the computers to work?" I asked, intrigued by the idea he proposed.

"I think a computer would have to be built that was modeled after the technology that was used to create our magical radios." He said as he finished up his dinner. "But I don't think that is in the realm of impossibility."

"I think I am done eating," I said when he had finished his meal. "But I'd like to talk more about this. Would you care to join me in my chambers for a glass of dragon fruit mead?"

"Only if you explain what dragon fruit mead is," he chuckled lightly as he pushed back his chair, and stood to pull mine out for me.

"It's a special mead that Molly makes," I told him as we walked quickly from the great hall. "It's made with essentially the same recipe as honey mead, but the honey is replaced with dragon fruit which gives it a more sour taste. Have you ever had a muggle candy called a Zott?"

"Are those the ones that fizz?" he asked his face screwed up in concentration and what I assumed was a quick riffling through his memories.

"Yes," I nodded. "I find the mead to be a bit like that. Where its sweet, but it's kind of tangy and electrified in your mouth. Very delicious."

"Well, I will try anything once," he told me as I lead him onto the fifth floor corridor that housed my chambers.

I came to a stop in front of the portrait of a young boy with rosy cheeks standing on his tiptoes in a large chair and stretching up toward a desk so he could try to read the book that lay open there. I loved the picture that served as my door, but I tried to see it through his eyes and wondered if it was odd. I snuck a look and saw him smirking at it, and decided that was probably the closest thing to an agreement that it was a cute picture as I was going to get.

"Sicherheit," I offered as the password content in my knowledge that Severus did not know German and wouldn't realize how silly my password was.

The little boy giggled at me as the portrait swung open and I couldn't help but giggle as well. We made our way into my sitting room, and I wondered if Severus would like it. Would he think it frumpy, or perhaps think there was too much white in it?

"Your chambers are nicer than mine," he said softly. "Perhaps Minerva has a soft spot for you."

"Molly and I did this actually," I told him as I walked over to my streamlined kitchen to pull out the bottle of mead and two glasses. "We redid all of the rooms before the start of term so it would feel more like it was mine. Is that odd?"

"No," he said in that same soft voice as he took the glass of pink tinted mead I offered him. "It simply took me years to be comfortable making such changes so I simply assumed the room had started this way. I've only actually altered the sleeping quarters in my own chambers. It took quite a bit of magic to manage that, so this must have been rather draining."

"It was difficult," I admitted taking a seat on the couch and patting the cushion beside me in invitation for him to sit as well. "It drained me physically as well as emotionally, but I am glad that I did it. I grew from it."

He nodded in acknowledgement of what I had admitted, and then he took up residence on the couch, angled slightly towards me as we both enjoyed our drinks. We fell back into the conversation about creating wireless internet for wizards, and it was enjoyable but I noticed that I was loosing the ability to hold my own in the conversation when I was halfway through my second glass of mead. Having eaten only a few bites of my dinner I seemed to be getting drunk rather quickly.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that I needed to stop drinking as my responses turned to giggles or red faced nods of agreement to whatever point he was making, but the drink tasted so good, and I was rather enjoying myself. So I took that third glass when my second was emptied, and before I even reached the bottom of the cup I was absolutely pissed.

"Would you like some water?" Severus asked me with a chuckle when I attempted to set my empty glass on table and ended up simply dropping it on the floor.

A quick cushioning charm cast by him was the only reason it hadn't broken.

"Mmm, yeah maybe water," I laughed as I stumbled to my feet and attempted to stumble my way toward my little kitchen.

I tripped over the air in front of me and began to tumble toward the floor, but I found myself caught in strong arms that kept me from falling. I was still swaying a bit but Severus pulled my back flush with his chest and held me upright while I waited out the dizzy feeling that filled me. The dizziness didn't seem to pass though. Instead it seemed to grow until I felt rather unwell.

"Severus you should go," I choked out, trying to pull away as the bile began to climb up my throat. "I am about to be very un-lady-like."

I curled away from him, fully content with the sudden inspiration to kneel on my kitchen floor and simply retch there. The bathroom seemed too far away, and there was just no way I was going to keep this down. I tried to hold it back, waiting for his arms to release me and announce his departure. Instead I found a bucket conjured and placed before me, and I felt his hands in my hair gently pulling it back and away from my face.

"It's okay Hermione," he soothed and it was my undoing.

I got violently ill, and his simply rubbed my back and kept my hair out of the way while he waited for it to pass. I felt awful, and disgusting, but once I had vomited up what seemed to be everything I had ever eaten in my life I did feel a little better.

I found I had begun to cry a bit while I was getting sick, and I knew my face was going to look absolutely awful. I drew my wand from within my robes, and clumsily vanished the defiled bucket before I tried to stagger to my feet. Severus kept his arm softly around my waist and helped me to walk to the bathroom. I was thoroughly embarrassed by my behavior, and for this to be the way he was first seeing my bedroom as we walked through it on the way to my bathroom.

He led me to the sink, and I held on to it with on hand for support while he sought something out. I turned on the tap, and used my other hand to scoop water into my mouth and try and rinse some of the taste away. Severus reappeared then, with an elastic in his hand, and I suddenly understood what he had been looking for. I reminded myself that he also had long hair when I wondered how he would realize I might need that. I held onto the sink to keep from falling while he gently pulled my hair into a loose knot at the base of my head.

"Why don't you clean up, and I will get you a glass of water," he said quietly, and then he slipped out of the bathroom.

I quickly washed the tears from my face, and set to brushing my teeth while he was gone. I was feeling slightly more human, though still rather drunk and sickly when he returned with the water. He once again put an arm around my waist as he handed me the glass, and I was grateful for the support. It was unlikely that I could manage standing, holding a glass, and drinking liquid all at the same time in my current state. I drank the water even though my stomach felt sour, knowing I would regret it in the morning if I didn't. I allowed Severus to deposit me in my bed still fully clothed, and did not argue when he conjured another bucket by the bedside just to be safe.

"I will return in the morning with a potion for you," he said quietly. "For now just try to sleep."

And then he was gone. Tonight it was easy to fall asleep, but I didn't feel good about it.

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><p>When I woke the next morning I felt dreadful, but I tried not to wallow in it as I had done it to myself after all. I took a quick shower and charmed my hair up into a French twist to keep it out of my way. I looked pasty and death-like so I applied a bit of rogue after putting on my teaching robes. I was just slipping my shoes on when I heard a gentle knocking.<p>

I finished putting my shoes on and went to pull the portrait open revealing a tired looking Severus. He was holding out a small vial, and looked somewhat detached. If that were the proper way to describe how his eyes just didn't seem warm this morning.

"The potion I promised," he said smoothly, offering out his hand to me.

"Thank you," I said as I took it. "I'm sorry about yesterday."

"I'm running a bit late this morning," he said awkwardly. "Perhaps you would like to join me on my rounds tonight to discuss what happened?"

"That sounds nice," I said, even though nice wasn't quite the word for it.

He gave me a quick nod and swept away, and I was left feeling chastised even though he had not said anything of the sort. Severus seemed rather upset at me, and I guess I couldn't blame him, I had behaved in a rather juvenile manner last night.

I set my students in class writing assignments to avoid the fact that I couldn't focus. His potion had relieved what existed of my hang over, but I was still caught up in feeling awful about what had happened. Severus seemed mad, and I couldn't blame him. I was worried that he was thinking me childish now. What if he had decided that I was too young for him? What if last night had been some sort of revelation to him and he now wanted nothing to do with me? Was he going to dump me on patrol? Was it dumping, I mean did we actually have a title yet?

Sure we had kissed, more than once, but he had never called me by any term that staked a claim on me. Had I created this all in my head? No that couldn't be true, but that didn't mean it couldn't all be ending tonight. What had I been thinking? Honestly I hadn't been. I combination of not really eating dinner, and simply not paying attention to how much I had to drink lead to an unfortunate event. And event that I was now worried had ruined everything.

I skipped dinner, and had worked myself into a right state by the time evening patrol came around. We hadn't discussed where to meet, so I simply waked in the direction of the entrance hall and hoped to run in to him. Luck was at least partially with me, and he was emerging from the dungeons just as I descended the marble stairs case. He came to a stop and waited for me to join him the stiff look never leaving his face. I bowed my head as I approached, preparing for the worst, but my spirit lifted a bit when he offered me his elbow. That had to be a good sign right?

"I'm worried about what last night meant," he said finally after we had walked an entire corridor in silence.

"I'm sorry," I choked out, my voice betraying how worried I was feeling.

"I am concerned that perhaps I missed signs that you were slipping into old coping mechanisms," he said softly, his eyes still sweeping the halls around us instead of meeting mine. "I'm worried perhaps that your relationship with me is why you are now in need of a coping mechanism again."

"No Severus," I said quickly, both to answer him and to assuage the guilt I now understood him to be feeling.

He thought he was causing me duress, and that last night had been planned. Perhaps he felt he had overstepped something by coming to my chambers.

"Last night was a mistake," I said, and I felt his arms stiffen, but I hurried to clear up confusion. "I didn't intentionally overindulge. It was an accident."

He stayed quiet, but this time I could feel him watching me. I knew he was waiting for a more detailed answer. I sensed that he didn't believe me.

"I didn't eat much at dinner," I pointed out. "And then I just wasn't paying attention to how much I drank or how quickly I drank it. I guess my mind was otherwise occupied with conversation or whatnot."

"It seemed like a practiced gesture," he said finally. "One I could recognize from my own past behaviors."

"Severus, I promise that I did not feel overwhelmed and seek to relief the feeling with alcohol," I told him as he led me into another hallway. "You may look inside my mind to verify the truth if you wish too."

He stopped walking and turned to look at me. I met his gaze preparing for him to invade my mind but it never came. Instead I stared into the eyes blues eyes so dark they looked back and watched as a plethora of emotions flitted through them until they settled into a calm ocean once more.

"I do not need to look," he said finally. "I trust you."

That seemed to reverberate in my chest, but I said nothing. I just gave him a smile and allowed him to lead me through the halls once more. We grew comfortable once more, and Severus eventually started a conversation about a young Ravenclaw student that was giving him some trouble while we finished his rounds. We had not reached a conclusion on how to deal with the student that didn't want to learn by the time he deposited me at the door to my chambers, but it had still been a fulfilling conversation.

He kissed me chastely and I made my way to bed with thoughts of Severus on my mind once more.

* * *

><p>The fourth of January held another first, and yet was a fairly uneventful day in itself. I taught my lessons and he his. We saw each other at meets, and after dinner he joined me in my office where we both graded the many papers that had been turned in to him. We did not speak much, both focused on our work, but I noticed that he was still using red ink on his assignments, and still seemed to write as many comments as I had been used to as a student. I myself wrote quite a few comments on the essays I read, though I felt safe in betting that mine were slightly more encouraging. I also made an effort to always use green ink so that it stood out from the ink used by the students, but was not in the red that could be so discouraging to some students.<p>

We whiled away an entire evening in my office working through the stacks of coursework we had to grade. We enjoyed one another's company without speaking other than a word here or there and it was quiet nice. We parted ways at my office door at ten minutes to eleven, and this time I leaned in first for the kiss surprising him. I grasped the back of his neck holding him to me for as long as I dared when we were in such an exposed location, and then I gentle released him and bid him goodnight.

* * *

><p>The next day was much the same, except that we met in his chambers so he could be nearby where one of his students was serving a detention cleaning his classroom. While my office was light and airy, his still had the feel of something somewhat sinister with all of the different bottles of strange potion ingredients on the walls. I wondered vaguely if he kept them here to keep them away from the students, or if perhaps they were here because they looked most intimidating and would allow him to frighten students who were brought to his office to be lectured.<p>

I finished all of my grading around eight o'clock, but he was still grading, so I pretended to have more work to do in order to spend a bit more time. I wrote copious notes on the end of a several students essays in order to look busy, but I also hoped they might find some of my ridiculously unnecessary direction helpful in learning a bit more about the subject. I kept watching Severus out of the corner of my eye and I saw how a tiny smirk curled into a full blown grin as he worked and I wondered what was so amusing about the essay he was reading.

"You can stop pretending to grade," he finally chuckled. "I know you finished well over an hours ago. I am still a spy, and you are still a hopeless obvious Gryffindor."

"Well then," I said attempting to sound offended, and failing miserably. "I'm found out. I just wanted to spend a bit more time with you."

"I'm sorry to have made you suffer through grading with me. My dunderheaded students turned in some real shite this time," he chuckled darkly. "Perhaps I could make it up to you by taking you to dinner at the Three Broom Sticks tomorrow night?"

"I would like that very much," I told him with a smile.

"For now I will have to say goodnight." He said sadly. "I am late for a floo call and Minerva is going to be quite displeased with me. Until tomorrow?'

"Yes," I breathed as he leaned in to press his lips to mine.

* * *

><p>Entering the Three Broom Sticks arm in arm marked our first official outing into the wizarding world, which I had failed to realize until we were being gawked at by several of the patrons. A few scowls from Severus turned their attention away from us but I found myself rather embarrassed while we took our seats in a back corner and Madam Rosmerta came over to take our orders.<p>

I reached out to brush his hand, and I was a bit surprised when he allowed me to hold it right there on the table where anyone could have seen it. He brushed his thumb over my knuckles while he listened to me tell him about my day, and respectively told me about his.

"What do you plan to do at the end of the year," I asked him after our roast beef had been delivered. "You never told me after you brought up that your original contract was only for two years."

"Well I officially signed and indefinite contract this morning," he told me after taking a drink of water. "So essentially I will be staying until I die or get fired I guess."

"She wouldn't fire you," I pointed out.

"No I suppose that isn't in her plans," he laughed. "At least I assume it isn't after also signing on to take the position of deputy headmaster when Flitwick retires at the end of the year."

"Oh Severus," I chirped. "Congratulations."

"I'm sure I will come to regret taking on more responsibilities with these dunderheaded students," he said in a playfully dark voice. "But thank you none the less."

"Did she have to badger you into it?" I asked. "Or did you come to your senses and realize that it should have been your post from the moment she became headmistress."

"Well I couldn't rightfully take that post when I wasn't even a teacher here could I?" he pointed out lightly, and I knew that was a close as I would get to him admitting that he had made Minerva work for it.

I just shook my head at him.

"I thought the old man's portrait was going to die a second time when I finally said yes," Severus admitted and I felt my shoulders stiffen.

It had been awhile since I had thought about Dumbledore. Every time I thought about what the books said happened to bring about the end of the war I felt terribly confused. It just didn't seem to fit with the man I had known. Or thought I had known anyway. Severus didn't seem bothered when he thought of speaking with the portrait, and that confused me further as the books made it seem that the two of them had a rather awful falling out. Had he simply gotten over it? I was afraid to ask so I simply let the subject drop, and asked what all his job duties would entail now.

* * *

><p>The next day was Saturday so neither of us had lessons to teach. Severus had yet another detention to oversee in the morning and I couldn't help but laugh at him. Not only had he assigned another when the other teachers had yet to assign any so far this term, but he had put it in the early hours effectively punishing himself as well as the student. We agreed to meet in the library when he had finished.<p>

We were finally going to do a joint lesson on the similarities between muggle chemistry and magic potions, and we needed to plan out how exactly we were going to do that. So after taking lunch in my chambers I made my way down to the library.

I slipped inside with my attaché full of notes and ideas, planning to find a table and get set up while I waited for him, but he was already there and waiting for me at a table that was in plain view of the door. I smiled at the realization that he must have let his student off the hook early and quickly made my way over to him.

"I have to admit, I expected you to be late," I laughed quietly as I took a seat at the table and began to take out my things. "I had already started trying to decide which book I would seek out while I waited for you."

"When young Mister Creavy nearly burst into tears over the prospect of removing the entrails from the bottom of a storage barely, I had a moment of weakness and decided to go easy on him." Severus admitted quietly while he pulled out his own notes. "I allowed him to use magic and we finished much more efficiently."

I glanced around while he pulled out a blank sheet of parchment and his quill, and saw that the library was empty aside from Madam Pince. I had wondered why he wanted to meet here instead of in one of our offices, but I noticed at this time of day the lighting was really very nice, and with no students to disturb us the library was quite comfortable. I was glad we were meeting here.

"So, which topic did you wish to do a comparative study on in our lesson?" he asked me, his quill poised over the parchment and ready to take notes.

I bit back a chuckle at how quickly he seemed to morph into a student and focused in on what he actually said.

"I would still like to do a comparison of medicinal potions and muggle medicines," I said in a light reference to the rather heated argument we had at the staff meeting we had last discussed this at. "I thought we could compare a pain relieving potion and muggle aspirin."

"I think that is a valid comparison," he said as he jotted a short note down on the parchment. "I've read up on the ingredients of aspirin actually, and some of them are similar to what we use in the subsidio potion."

"How do you propose we approach the lesson?" I said opting not to just launch into what I wanted to do.

"Well I think doing a joint lecture would be effective," he said looking up to meet my eyes. "But we would probably need some sort of practical application or assignment that forces them to do more than simply take notes on the lecture."

"Actually now that you mention it, I had a bit of an idea on that." I continued quietly. "I thought it would be interesting to have the students brew subsidio."

I started casually, and paused, gaining a bit of courage from his gentle nod of agreement.

"And then we could also have them take a stab at trying to make an aspirin," I suggested.

There was a beat of quiet where I thought perhaps he hadn't heard me, but then his lips curled up into the sneering face I hadn't seen since I had been his student and he scoffed. Like an actual back of the throat scoff that I did not think Severus Snape was capable of making.

"You must be joking," he said cuttingly and I sat back in my chair to distance myself from the sneering man before me.

"I most certainly am not joking," I said stiffly, barely managing to keep my voice down. "I think it would make a valid point about how the work creating each pain reliever has many steps involved as well as how similar they are."

"No," he said firmly, and a dropped his quill on the table as a clear sign that he was no longer considering what I was saying."

"Why exactly don't you want to do it?" I pushed. "Or did you think you can just tell me no and that's the end of the conversation?"

"Well I would be the one overseeing the lesson, so I think the final say should stay with me." He snapped, his voice climbing to a level that I knew Pince would be watching us. "I don't think that is a good idea. So I am saying no."

"Why do you always think you can just lay down the law and have that be the end of everything," I snapped back, my own voice climbing. "I am not a child, and you cannot simply dictate what I will be going."

"You are acting rather childlike in your assumption that you are right in this situation," he growled, his voice dangerously close to yelling. "An adult would not why that is a horrible idea."

"Severus Snape you are an ass," I shouted at him pushing back from my seat as I lost my tenuous grip on my temper.

"Enough," Pince said firmly from her position behind a desk. "Both of you, out! Now!"

I scooped up my things hastily remaining silent, while Severus put away his own things calmly. If it weren't for his slightly jerky movements, and stiff set of his mouth you almost wouldn't know he was angry as well. When we had our things in had we both stormed toward the door, and he had to step back to let me pass first because I certainly wasn't going to be polite when I was this pissed at him.

"Shall we talk about this tomorrow then?" he called icily after me.

"Perhaps we should wait until I am older," I shot back at him over my shoulder before storming away.

"Perhaps when we've both cooled down a bit," I heard him call after me, but it just made me more angry.

* * *

><p>By the next morning I decided that I might have over reacted. Did I think he was being unreasonable? Yes. Did I actually listen to any reason why he wouldn't want to do the lesson my way? Well no I guess he hadn't. I tried to justify my anger by telling myself he hadn't really tried to give me a reason either, but my attack on his statement than an adult would know why it shouldn't be done had been rather quick. And there was the problem. I had been offended by him calling me childish, and yet my way of dealing with it had been terribly childish.<p>

I sat down to pen a quick note asking him to join me in my chambers to try and discuss the lesson plan once more this evening after dinner. I didn't want to call on the house elves to do my bidding yet again, so I decided to simply deliver the note to his office while I knew he would be in the great hall for breakfast. Since that meant I would be missing breakfast, so I made myself some toast before journeying down to the dungeons.

Lessons were a welcome distraction from my stresses over whether or not we would end up fighting again this evening. I tried to lose my worries in a lecture about emails and instant messaging. I was trying to get all of my seventh years up to speed on muggle communications because they would be going out into the world and might actually find it useful.

Eventually the lessons ended, and it was time to go back to my chambers and wait for Severus. I could have gone to dinner, but my stomach was far too nervous to get through that. So instead I sat with a cup of tea in my sitting room and simply waited. At five minutes after six there was a knock at my door that I knew would be Severus. I hurried over to open the door and the calmly walking over to take a seat on the couch once allowing him to follow me in.

"I'm sorry that I overacted yesterday," he said quietly as I sat down, and I felt my mouth drop open.

"I was going to apologize to you as well actually," I sighed, while gesturing to a tea cup and waited for him not nod before I poured him a cup. "I didn't actually give you a chance to explain yourself."

"It would have been hard to hear me out when I was being so abrasive." He said quietly as he took the cup. "I would like to try and address it again tonight if you are interested."

"I would." I nodded. "I would really like to understand your reasoning for not doing the lesson that way."

"As I have no training in muggle chemistry, I think it's terribly dangerous to not only attempt it without the training let alone try and train students to do it." He answered smoothly.

"That's a good point, which I admit I hadn't considered." I conceded. "I thought about it a lot today, and I think I have a compromise that might work."

"Do tell." He directed before taking a drink of his tea.

"We could ask for a volunteer to be given a magically induced headache in order to have them feel the effects of aspirin and share them with the class, as well as with the potion," I explained. "Then you could have them actually brew the potion, and I could assign them a paper comparing the effects of the two products."

"Do you have a backup plan for if no one volunteers to be given a headache," he asked, as I was relieved that he was actually considering what I was saying.

"I will do it then," I said calmly. "But I have faith at least one of my Gryffindors will volunteer if I am the one to ask for student help."

"Okay then, I can accept those terms, but I insist that you not do both examples if the students are not cooperative," he conceded. "If it comes to it I will do the headache with the muggle relief, and leave the potion for you."

"You want the muggle one?" I asked, my lips quirking up as I fought off a laugh.

"Not particularly, but I would prefer you had the quicker medicine," he said, and his cheeks colored just slightly.

"Such a gentleman," I laughed then. "Now that we've settled that silly argument, do you want to go for a walk before it gets too dark outside?"

"Yes, I would like that," he said finally giving me a small smile. "I suppose we did eventually have to have our first fight as a couple."

"A couple," I smiled. "I could get used to the sound of that"

"I certainly hope so," he said as he offered me his arm. "I don't have any intention of changing that anytime soon."


	31. the loved shall show love eventually

_**Song for this chapter: Daisy by Brand New (Again because this was originally going to be part of the last chapter, but I wanted to get the chapter, so I made a cut and tada whole new chapter)**_

* * *

><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

* * *

><p>My birthday was not exactly a holiday. It hadn't been a day I paid attention to in years. I couldn't tell you now when the last time I had received a birthday present. So when January 9th came I thought nothing of it. I expected it to be a normal day. The first sign that it wouldn't be a normal day was a house elf arriving in my rooms with a large breakfast tray. Who would have breakfast sent to my chambers?<p>

That question was rather easily answered when Winky lifted the lid of her tray to reveal not only a bowl of oatmeal with fruit, but also a box wrapped in brown paper that had _Happy Birthday Severus_ written in the loopy handwriting that was easily distinguished as that of Hermione Granger.

"Thank you Winky," I said when she deposited it on counter without flourish.

"Missus says to meet her in her chambers at five," Winky said quietly as she backed away from the table. "You is not to eats dinner with the others."

"Thank you Winky," I said, fighting to stifle a laugh at the little creature attempting to strong arm me with her squeaky voice.

The elf departed and I took a seat at raised bar behind my kitchen counter directly in front of the bowl. The breakfast smelled good, but I was far more interested in what she would have gotten me. I gently pulled off the paper wrapping, making a point not to rip where she had written her happy birthday message. I had every intention of saving that little gem, not that I would ever tell her.

When I pulled the paper away I reveal a folded over bit of parchment as well as a black box with Slug and Jiggers emblazoned on the lid. I suppose it made quite a bit of sense that she had gone to an apothecary for my gift, though an obvious choice it made. I decided to read the note before opening the lid.

_Severus,_

_I just know you are sitting there thinking of how obvious this gift is, and I must tell you I am already shaking my head in barely conceal amusement. I went through a list of all the different types of gifts I could give you and none of them seemed quite right. They were either to romantic, boring, or pedantic. It would have been rather plain to give you a book, and quite frankly impossible to find one you don't already own. I finally decided on the gift you have now because I know these are essential to have, and that your possession of them outside of the school stores ended rather abruptly this summer._

_I do hope you enjoy them, but I promise a less practical birthday gift awaits you later today._

_Yours,_

_Hermione_

Well, she had the measure of me didn't she? And that was a rather delicate way of referencing the fact that I had quite efficiently destroyed my own private potion stores when I set my house aflame. My curiosity was peeked at the idea of discovering what potion ingredients she found to be most essential and it set my fingers itching to pull the lid off of the box.

I grasped either side of the smooth black box and tugged up lightly until it released its hold on the base of the box and I was able to see inside. There were seven glass bottles nestled into what appeared to be hay. They had obsidian stoppers that glittered in the light, and the name of each ingredient was engraved into the glass just below the neck of the bottle. I pulled the first out and couldn't help but chuckle when I saw that it was chamomile.

I withdrew each bottle from the box and placed them in alphabetical order. I saw that she had purchased ashwinder eggs, bezoars, chamomile, dragon blood, eye of newt, frog brain, and goose grass. She was right on everything but the chamomile, they were used in so many potions that they were rather indispensable in a potion master's stores. The chamomile would prove to be indispensable in mine alone should it work for Lupin. It was a very thoughtful gift, and I felt like a git for having thought it simply the obvious choice.

It took a surprising amount of concentration to wipe the smile from my face when I opened the door of my classroom to let in the second years that were waiting in the hall. With the gift on my mind, and the oatmeal still warm in my belly it was difficult to remember why exactly I didn't like these children. It was easier to remember why after a bumbling Hufflepuff melted his cauldron into a twisted smoking mess.

I went to the great hall for lunch, looking for Hermione though I told myself I wasn't. She did not attend the noon meal, but Minerva saw fit to keep me occupied with a mumbled birthday wish and discussion of when she would announce to the staff at large that I would be taking the position of deputy headmaster. I couldn't quite care about the position at the moment, but I did appreciate her discretion in relation to my birthday. I could just picture Flitwick making a scene by attempting to sing some sort of birthday song to me, and it would really be a shame to be forced to murder him after all this time.

The afternoon lesson were survivable. My smarter fifth year students were starting to realize that OWLs were not far away and had very little to say, but plenty of notes to take, thus the lesson was rather quite. My sixth year class had an overabundance of female students, and they were utterly useless from the moment they had entered chatting about some upcoming social event the prefects had planned to take place in their house common room. I set them to task on an essay and attempted to forget the witless ninnies were even in the room.

Eventually the day came to an end, and I only had a small window of time to try and fill before I could go up to Hermione's chambers. It seemed ridiculous that I was so eager to go, but already she had made this the best birthday I'd had in more than twenty years and I couldn't help but look forward to whatever else she might be doing. I left my classroom and returned to my chambers, deciding on a whim to change out of my teaching robes before joining her for dinner. I didn't want to dress up and end up too formal, or put on muggle clothes and look out of place if she chose to remain in her robes. I felt like an imbecile fretting over what I was wearing in my quarters, but I eventually decided to shed my robes and frock coat, and appear in her chambers in my slacks and white oxford. Though the thought of wearing a concealment charm when passing through the corridors on the chance I might run into a student did pass through my mind.

When it was very nearly five I slipped out of my chambers and beat a quick path up to the fifth floor. As luck would have it most everyone was in the great hall for supper, and I did not encounter anyone along the way. I could hear the chimes from the clock tower ringing out that it was five just as I reached out to gently knock on the frame of the portrait serving as a door to Hermione's chambers. I would never tell her, but I thought the picture was dare I say _adorable_. Somehow it seemed fitting for her as well, but again I wouldn't tell her that.

"Happy Birthday," she chirped with a beaming smile as she slid the portrait open to allow me entrance.

"Thank you." I said smoothly as I stepped into the room and she pulled the portrait closed once more behind me. "And thank you for my present, it was very thoughtful, and the oatmeal quite delicious."

"Well you'll have to thank the elves for the oatmeal; I had no hand in making that," she chuckled as she made her way toward a small dining table with white linens on it that I was rather certain had not been there the last time I had visited her chambers. "Dinner however was made with my very own hands."

"And what have you made?" I asked as I pulled her chair out for her and she took a seat before one of the trays that had a lid placed over it most likely to preserve warmth. I couldn't decide if she had been hesitant to use magic or if she had simply not thought of using a stasis charm.

"Well I seemed to remember you making bangers and mash quite often when I lived with you, and I got the impression it was your favorite." She smiled. "So I made that with some fried onions for your birthday dinner."

"I do love bangers and mash," I admitted. "But I must admit I mostly made it so frequently because it's one meal I have never managed to botch."

"That is another reason I made it," she said with a full laugh that lit up her whole face. "I'm pants at cooking to be honest, but I think birthdays are very important and thus deserve homemade meals."

"Thank you again," I said quietly as I picked up my fork. "Even if you've completely botched the meal its already been a very good birthday."

"Well here's to many more happy birthdays," she said as she lifted her glass of water in a toast to me.

I repeated her gesture and took a drink of my own water. We bantered about our days as we ate, and I had to admit her bangers were actually quite good. I never put much thought into which sausage to use, but she had paired the fried onions rather well with a chicken sausage that appeared to have hints of both apple and Gouda in it. She had said she was pants at cooking but that was a delicious combination that I certain never would have thought to try.

When our plates were cleared she produced a chocolate cake with a liquefied center that had the distinct flavor of red currant rum. It was delicious and slightly intoxicating. I forgot all about acting the part of a gentleman when I licked the remnants from my lips. She clearly had no measure of what pants actually meant or she would realize that she was rather amazing in the kitchen.

"You have a little chocolate," I told her as she reached to take my plate away and I reached to place my hand on the side of her jaw and pull her closer to me. "Right here, on the corner of your lips."

I suppose the polite thing to do would have been to have wiped the chocolate way, but I could think of far more enjoyable solutions. I pulled her across the small distance that was still separating our mouths. I placed a somewhat chaste kiss on her lips, but then I darted my tongue out to swipe away that lingering chocolate. I might have stopped there, but she whimpered against my lips and I was lost. I stood swiftly from my seat bringing her with me so that our lips were not parted, but I was free to pull her body flush with mine. I brought one hand to rest on her lower pressing her close to me while my other hand remained at rest on her jaw.

She brought both hands up to entangle in the hair at the base of my neck and she allowed her mouth to fall open as I kissed her. For a moment I simply enjoyed the sensation of her warm breath panting out against my lips, but as that swelling tingling feeling grew within me I felt I could wait no longer. I allowed my tongue to delve into her mouth, tasting the chocolate and the liquor, while I slowly but efficiently turned us and moved us toward her couch. She moaned into my mouth as I lowered myself into a seated position with her in my lap, and I felt as if I were coming unglued.

There were so many things that I seemed to feel as we kissed and touched. I felt her hands as they drifted down my neck and onto my shoulders, but I also felt a growing anticipation at what would happen that didn't seem to belong entirely to me. The swelling in my chest was still present and yet now it had the distinct flavor of Hermione. I felt my own passion, but somehow I seemed able to feel hers rise to meet me. It made no sense, and at the same time it made perfect sense.

Everything made perfect sense until I moved my hands from their original positions to pace them on her hips and grasped her firmly. Then I seemed to be feeling an absolute explosion of pleasure, heat, and passion that I could hardly be expected to think through. I followed the instincts my body was whispering to me and allowed my hands to climb higher until they rested on her rib cage.

Then I felt a spike of fear. That wasn't mine was it? It had flitted away almost as quickly as I had felt it, but it left me feeling unbalanced. Hermione's teeth sunk lightly into my lower lip and solicited an unexpected groan from me. It sent a shiver up her spine which brought her chest into contact with mine. Again I felt a swell of passion that was tainted with fear and confusion that left me reeling.

I released her mouth, sucking in a great breath trying to clear my mind. As soon as I tried to focus on where that fear was coming from it was nowhere to be found so I tried to push it from my mind as I began to kiss a trail from her ear down to her collar bone. I allowed my tongue to dip into the slight indentation there and my arousal spiked when she arched into me. At the same time that her body arched and she whimpered I felt a wave of what I could only describe as familiar violation and my heart seemed to stop in my chest.

It was an impossible thought, but I was certain that feeling of violation had come from Hermione. The confusion I had been feeling seemed to make more sense when I applied it to her and how she might be trying to understand what she was feeling. And then I felt incredibly sick to my stomach when I realized that she was struggling to process a pleasurable sexual experience in light of what her past experiences had been.

"I'm sorry," I gasped as I pushed her gently off on me and on to the couch. "We shouldn't. You aren't ready."

"It's ok," she panted, clutching at her blouse that had become rumpled and disorganized with our passions. "I'm okay. I think."

"No, I don't know how, but I know how you feel, and you aren't okay," I sighed, pulling myself up from the couch and putting some distance between us even though I desperately wanted to pull her body against mine once more. "I need to leave."

I didn't give her a chance to argue once more, I simply fled the room. There were already too many emotions coursing through me I couldn't afford to add anger or hurt. I already felt confusion fear, lust, and so much more. And under all of it I felt the tiniest spark of curiosity. How could I be feeling both of our emotions? Was she feeling it as well? Had I ever read about anything like this ever happening? Was there honestly anyone I could ask about it without revealing more about my relationship with Hermione than I was willing to?

I felt as if I wanted to laugh, cry, scream, and return to her chambers and finish off where we had started all over again. The intense mix of emotions and desires tilted me off my axis and left me feeling unbalanced and a little sick to my stomach. When paired with the vaguely familiar roaring I heard in my ears, I felt is if I might actually be dying as melodramatic as it might be to think it. I moved swiftly through the halls not even truly seeing where I was going until I found myself in my chambers facing my liquor cabinet. It wasn't until then that I felt my shame. I had driven her to the confusing peak of arousal and fear and then I had simply abandoned her to deal with it on her own. I was a complete bastard, and yet I couldn't bring myself to return to her room.

Instead I poured myself a glass of fire whiskey. This was turning out to be one hell of a birthday in the end.

* * *

><p>When I awoke in the morning with a raging hangover I felt even worse about myself. Not because of the pounding in my head, or the aches in my body, but because somehow I was certain that she had cried herself to sleep last night and I knew it was my fault. I had pushed too far. There was a very good chance that I had ruined everything. The only thing I could think to do was apologize, but how could words truly fix what had happened between us last night? I had to give it a shot because I could think of no other solution.<p>

_Hermione,_

_Words cannot begin to express how deeply sorry I feel for the emotional distress I caused you last night. My body overrode my mind and I simply got carried away. I forgot myself, and I did not think about how difficult such interactions might be for you. I am sorry for that._

_I am also sorry for simply running away. I could not think clearly and I did not know what to do so I simply fled. It was wrong of me to leave you to try and cope with such confusion on your own and you are quite justified in any anger you might feel for it._

_I am sorry,_

_Severus_

It was pitiful, but it was the best I could think to offer, so I sealed it and charmed it to appear in her chambers. It disappeared from the desk before me, and I hoped she would read it before starting her day. In any case I wasn't willing to risk running in to her before she had a chance to read it so going to the great hall for breakfast was absolutely out of the question. I didn't feel very hungry considering so I simply made my way to my classroom early and for the first time in at least a decade I actually wrote the days instructions on the board instead of charming them to write themselves.

I struggled through the morning attempting to focus on anything but her and how she must be feeling. I actually spent half of a lesson working one on one with a struggling third year who seemed absolutely terrified to have me in such proximity, in an effort to keep my mind on something other than our disastrous encounter with snogging.

By lunch I was ravenous, but again I couldn't be sure that she'd had an opportunity to read my letter so I snuck off to the kitchens to snag a sandwich. I sat alone in my office eating my pitiful lunch and wondering if perhaps I was really just hiding from her. Would she be angry with me? She should be. Would she want to be shot of me? Merlin I hoped not. I found that I was genuinely afraid of what would come next.

I did not remember teaching any lessons in the afternoon, though logically I knew I had done a double lesson with my NEWT level students. Hopefully they had managed to learn something anyway. My mind had been full of warm chocolate eyes, and flushed pink cheeks. Gods she had been beautiful with her skin flushed and her chest heaving. If only it hadn't turned out to be such an utter failure.

In the end I decided to simply skip dinner as well and retired to my chambers. I didn't bother to light the fire or any of the lamps. I climbed into my bed even though it was only five, and settled in for a good long sulk. I was exhausted from a sleepless night, and my brooding rapidly deteriorated into fretful sleeping.

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><p>When I drug myself out of bed the next morning it was to the sight of Winky standing at the foot of the bed with her arms crossed looking rather disgruntled with me. I glowered at her, but said nothing as I rolled out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. I had fully expected her to stop me and give me whatever information she had been given to pass on, but she simply stood there.<p>

I relieved myself, and washed my hands and face, but still she did not come. I brushed my teeth, and seriously considered just getting in the shower, but I doubted the elf's patience would hold out that long so I made my way back into my bedroom.

"Yes Winky?" I said finally.

"You is avoiding missus," she said petulantly.

"Technically…" I trailed off, not quite willing to answer that.

"She is asking Winky to tell you to come to her office during your free period this morning," Winky went on. "You twos still having a lesson together this week, and be needing to plan."

I nodded stiffly, and she took that as her sign to leave, disappearing from my sight with a small pop. I quickly traded my sleep shirt for my teaching attire and let one last resigned sigh fall from my lips before I made my way out of my quarters. I was already starving, having skipped dinner last night, but it seemed unwise to keep Hermione waiting longer when she had resorted to using work to get my attention.

The climb up to her office was quiet and I encountered no one. Her door stood open, and as I swept in quietly I took the opportunity to look at her before she noticed my presence. She was bent over her desk scrabbling away on a bit of parchment, her hair partially obscuring her face. It was very rare since she had begun teaching that she left her hair down, and I took it as a poor sign whenever she did. It never seemed to be a good day when she chose to ignore her appearance. She glanced up at the sound of my feet on the stone floor of her office and I saw that she had shadows under her eyes and a stiff sadness in her features.

I had prepared myself for hurt or anger or even perhaps a level of indifference, but not sadness. I was not ready for the tired look of resignation when her eyes met mine. I had fooled myself into thinking I was prepared for her to tell me she wished to end what we had between us. What I had not even thought to prepare for was the possibility that she would assume I had already done that. Her eyes made it quite clear that she took my flight from her chambers and subsequent absence yesterday as an ending already.

"As we have scheduled to do our joint lecture on Friday I thought it best we take a moment to actually outline who is speaking about what, and when they are speaking," she said in a professional voice that did not betray what her eyes seemed unable to hide. "It should not take us too terribly long, and you will be free in time for your lesson at ten Professor Snape."

"Hermione," I said quietly, moving forward to stand directly behind the chair in front of her desk. "I think perhaps there is something else we should talk about first."

"No, I understand that we have no business together outside of our joint lesson professor," she said in a falsely light voice that was somehow unaffected by the tremor that rippled across her lower lip. "You needn't worry about any feelings of imagined obligation."

"Hermione," I croaked, and I didn't care that my voice sounded vulnerable; it didn't matter if she knew I was upset by her assumptions. "My childish behavior has caused you to operate under a misunderstanding. Again I must apologize to you."

"One must never apologize for being honest about their feelings, for they are all we have in the end," she said quietly.

"Then listen to me when I try to be honest witch," I sighed. "I am sorry for what happened the other night, but not in the way you seem to think. I have no wish to be shot of you, but in fact wish each day to pull you closer still. Do you understand me?"

She fell quiet, her eyes focused intently on my face as if searching for a mistruth. She would find none.I dropped every shield I had, and left myself completely exposed to her reading. Her eyes locked on my own and I allowed all the love I felt for her to show in them. She sucked in a shaky breath and brought her hand up to her mouth to stifle the sound.

"Please don't ever run from me like that again," she said finally, her eyes watery with emotion. "Please."

"Never," I promised, finally sliding around to the front of the chair and taking my seat.

We had just settled in to a professional conversation about the layout of the lesson when there was a gentle tapping on the door frame. I turned in my seat to see who it was as Hermione greeted the visitor.

"Good morning Miss Brooks," Hermione said as I turned to take in the young girl.

She still looked remarkably like the young Hermione Granger, and her face was just as open to read. There had been a light smile on her features, but it froze in place when I turned to face her. There was a second of stillness, and then her face crumpled and I swear I could smell the coming tears.

"I'm sorry it's a bad time," she choked out as she backed away from the door. "I will come back later."

And then she sprinted away, but she did not make it out of the hallway before we heard her tears start. My shoulders slumped in guilt as I turned back toward the desk, and I found it difficult to look up and meet the eyes of the woman before me.

"What was that about?" she asked in confusion, seeming genuinely rattled by what had just happened. "I've never had a student flee from me before."

"I do not believe it is you she was feeling," I admitted hesitantly.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"She is rather terrified of me, more so than any other student that endured the bastard that I was when I first returned to teach here," I said quietly.

"Why more so?" she asked, and I cringed at the accusation in her voice.

"Because she does have a terrible resemblance to the woman I so hated upon my return to the castle," I said cryptically.

"She caught the brunt of your anger because she looks like me?" Hermione asked in a whisper.

"Yes, I was awful to her," I admitted while staring at the desk. "I've made every effort to reverse the behavior and try to make the lessons more comfortable, but she still bursts into tears during most potion lessons. Her grade have not suffered however, so I suppose she is even more like you than I had originally thought."

"Severus what have you done?" she whispered, sounding as if she were about to be ill.

I had no answer for her.

"You've destroyed a student. A young girl," she coughed out, seeming to struggle to find air. "Do you know she comes to my office nearly every day, seeming to need assurance that she even belongs here? She has hinted that she wishes to return to muggle schooling. Merlin what have you done?"

"I do not know," I admitted, shocked to learn the extent of what I had caused.

"Get out," she finally ground out, her chest rising and falling rapidly as her anger began to take hold.

"Hermione," I said gently, hoping to appease her anger and find a less abrasive solution to this new problem.

"No," she snapped, her voice rising. "Perhaps after you've realized what you've done to that poor child, but not now. Not when I can't even stand the sight of you."

I held still as her words hit me, but I felt as if I had been punched in the gut. Here was the emotion I had expected to have her unleash on me upon my arrival, and I had been deluded in thinking that I was prepared for it. Nothing could prepare me for the devastation that accompanied her rejection. There seemed to be no air in my lungs as I pulled myself out of the chair and swept rather ungracefully out of the room. I focused simply on putting one foot in front of the other as I walked away from her office, because thinking of anything else was far too painful.

As my feet moved me further from her office I realized I could hear crying. For one disturbing second I thought perhaps I had lost control of my own emotions, but one sweep of my fingers over my cheek revealed them to be dry. I focused my full attention on the sound and I realized I must be hearing a young girl. I followed the to a partially closed classroom door, and pushed it open to reveal the girl in question. It was odd to look at her now and realize that she was the young Amelia Brooks, not a demon masquerading as Hermione Granger like I had once thought.

"Miss Brooks," I said quietly as I slid into the room.

Her tears hitched and she became eerily quiet in a gesture that I knew meant she was holding her breath. She did not speak and I was unsure of if it was to keep tears at bay or if she simply refused to speak to me.

"Amelia," I tried again, softening my voice further.

She turned to look over her shoulder with bleary tear filled eyes. Her face was red and wet, and she looked miserable with her bushy brown hair creeping in toward her face. It was an awful sight, but I deserved to feel the guilt it filled me with.

"The words do very little to ease the anguish I caused you all of last year," I said quietly. "But I am quiet sorry for the way I treated you. You did not deserve any of it."

She let out a gasping shaky breath before she began to hold her breath one more. Still she did not speak, but it seemed that perhaps the tears had stopped flowing.

"You are just a child, so it is difficult to explain how I behaved. You have not yet felt the kind of pain I was feeling when I acted so unjustly. I hope you never do feel that kind of pain Miss Brooks," I said quietly. "My feelings at the time do not justify my actions, but I hope they can help you to understand why I acted so inappropriately."

She turned completely around in her seat so she was facing me fully, and scrubbed at her face as if she were trying to see me more clearly. Perhaps she wondered if I was actually there.

"I feel it imperative to tell you that you do belong her Miss Brooks," I said carefully. "Do not let my actions blur the knowledge that you are an intelligent young woman, even if you may sometimes be an insufferable know it all, and you have the potential to become a very wise witch. Do not through that talent away because of my stupidity."

"No one would believe me," she said finally, her voice hoarse from crying. "If I were to tell that that Professor Snape has just apologized to me."

"Well I hope this conversation would stay between the two of us," I said somewhat tersely. "But I suppose I am in no position to ask anything of you after abusing you so."

"Why did you do it?" she asked me quietly. "That is what made it all the worse, never understanding what it was that I had done."

"You did nothing," I sighed. "You just had the misfortune of looking like someone I was quite angry with."

And with that I had reached the end of my tolerance for such a revealing conversation with a student. I had reached the tolerance for degradation I could handle in one morning. I had just debased myself with a student, and most likely lost anything that had remained between Hermione and I. It was not yet even ten in the morning, and yet I found myself done for the day. The only lesson I had on the docket for the day was with my NEWT students once more. I would post a sign assigning them a lengthy essay on veritaserum, and then I would retire to my chambers and perhaps just sleep until this horrible burning pain in my chest stopped.


	32. faith, and trust, and pixie dust

_**Songs for this chapter: Boats and Birds by Gregory and the Hawk and Better Than I Used to Be by Tim McGraw**_

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

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><p>It was an altogether too familiar feeling to find myself outside a portrait that lead to a Gryffindor woman who was quiet angry with me hoping to be given entrance. This time proved to be far more painful than the last with the understanding that I loved this woman more than I ever could have loved the first. I did not know if I was capable of putting myself back together if this should have the same result as the last time.<p>

The sun had yet to rise, but I was already waiting patiently beside the portrait. My hip was beginning to ache where I had it propped against the wall, but I had no intention of moving. I would wait her until she opened the door to leave for breakfast, and then I would make my first attempt at earning her forgiveness. I imagined it would take many tried before she gave it to me, if she ever gave it to me, but I was ready to try. I couldn't wait and let this wound between us fester. I wasn't willing to risk losing her.

The sun began to rise, golden light slowly seeping in to the corridor and it might have been peaceful if I wasn't so incredibly miserable. I could feel the sun try to heat me as its rays stretch further up my legs, but all I felt was cold. I was just starting to hear the bird songs floating in from the morning air when a much closer creaking sound captured my attention. I snapped my head to the side and sucked in a breath of air at the sight of the portrait to her chambers slowly swinging open.

I jumped to my feet, preparing to start apologizing to her the second she came through the door. I wait, not patiently, but she did not come through the doorway. The portrait swung all the way open, the painting facing in to the wall, but no one came through the opening. I listened hard for the sound of approaching feet, but I heard nothing.

"If you wait out there much longer you might find yourself accosted by a drunken bastard," her voice floated out to me, and I wondered if it was wishful thinking that made it sound light and not at all full of anger.

I stepped carefully into the room, pulling the portrait closed behind me, and I was surprised to see that she was seated on the floor on the other side of the couch. If it weren't for her crop of unruly morning hair I might not have even seen her there. What was she doing? I walked quickly over to begin offering my apology, and found her seated on one of her big white pillows looking rather comfortable in her sweat pants and t-shirt as she sat facing an empty pillow. I was reminded of a different time, and my own pillows.

"Hermione, I am so sorry," I began, pouring my feelings into my speech. "I've gone to apologize to Miss Brooks as well. I—"

"Stop Severus," she said in a calm voice, her eyes seeming soft when I expected them to be hard. "I don't want you to tell me about apologizing to her."

"I don't understand," I admitted quietly, unsure of what she had wanted when saying she didn't want to talk to me until I understood what I had done.

"I want you to show me the apology," she explained quietly with a nod toward the pillow across from her.

I understood then both what she was asking, and that it wasn't a question of trust but a question of her need to understand what I had felt and what I felt now. If that was all she asked in order to forgive me I would give it to her without protest. So without further ado I folded into the familiar lotus position on the pillow before her and made myself comfortable.

"As you are not a trained legilimens it will be easier if I first enter your mind, and simply pull you back into mine," I told her. "Unlike the last time I allowed you entrance to my mind I will relinquish control, so you will be at the wheel as it were. I will pull up the memory you are looking for to make it a bit easier for you."

She nodded her head in silent agreement to do what I suggested. She opened her eyes wide, and I silently but efficiently slid into her mind. It was strange to enter her mind and not be met with disarray or the living room she had once created. Instead there was a peaceful stillness, it was black and empty but I felt as if I could hear the ocean somewhere and the impression that I could smell rain was heavy. _Peaceful_, she thought and I couldn't help but agree.

I tugged gently pulling her back with me as I focused on my own mind and the memory of my somewhat pitiful apology to the you Miss Brooks. I felt the shame and guilt that I had felt then while I watched her playback the memory of how it had happened. I hated to feel that vulnerable again so I instead focused on trying to read what she was feeling while she saw it. It was vague as she was focused on me, but I got a sense of approval and I was filled with relief. She would forgive me, I knew it. I needed it so badly. It felt like the only thing that would allow me to feel whole once more.

Inadvertently my mind wandered to a memory connected to those same feelings. The memory of me writing a letter of apology after the disaster that had been our first snogging session. For just a moment I was immersed in that guilt and pain, but then it began to shift again and I realized that Hermione had tapped into my associative thought process and she was blindly stumbling through the memories that I associated with these feelings.

I bucked against her control over my mind when she dropped us into the memory of the many failed attempted at trying to apologize to Lily. I couldn't bare the memories of a time spent waiting outside the Gryffindor common room begging for an absolution that would never come. I wrestled for control, wanting something more peaceful but in the ensuing struggle between us we tumbled into a memory I was not prepared to share with her.

I could feel her surprise as she saw herself declare her love for me, and my ensuing reciprocation. I felt it ring true with her before the false memory of her climbed into my lap and I held her close rocking her gently. I knew she could feel the complicated emotions of how I felt in the memory and my reaction to her seeing it now, and I panicked. As the memory changed to the one in the church, the memory Wormtail had created where I had married her, I could not contain my response. I threw her forcefully from my mind, immediately slamming my mental shields into place to keep her from seeing anything in my eyes.

"I suppose you can consider that your first lesson in legilimency," I snapped, trying to stifle the surprise I felt at how easily she had riffled through my mind.

"What was that?" she gasped, her breathing heavy as if she had just run a long distance.

"That is a piece of what Peter gave to me," I admitted in a dead voice, my eyes drifting up to her forehead to create more distance between us. "It is not something I am ready to share…"

"It seemed so happy," she said in a wistful voice, and I looked at her eyes once more to see that they seemed light and hopeful.

"It was," I said quietly, deciding to be honest. "But I would rather create real memories to replace those."

"I would like that," she said, and to my surprise she slid off of her pillow and much like the false image of her had she crawled across the place between us and she slid into my lap.

It was the most of her I had ever touched as the back of her was pressed against me. I rather greedily wrapped my arms around her waist holding her tightly to me in my relief that she would allow this when not so long ago I had been certain she would never speak to me again.

"Thank you for allowing me to look in your mind," she said quietly as she leaned her head back into the crook of my shoulder and relaxed further into my embrace. "I know that must have been hard for you."

"I would do anything for you," I answered honestly, it being much easier when I didn't have to meet her eyes while doing it. "Surely you must know that by now."

"I do Severus, it's what made it so easy to forgive you," she said quietly, sounding tired and a glance down revealed that her eyes were closed. "And I think Amelia Brooks has forgiven you as well."

"I never thought I would be one hoping for forgiveness from a student, and yet here we are," I said quietly as I trailed my fingers through her hair unsure of if it was more soothing to her or to me.

"I think she has, or at least she will," Hermione sighed, seeming to melt at my touch. "But I think what she needs now is encouragement. I know that is out of character for you, particularly with a Gryffindor but she has really been struggling to cope with the stress and I think anything would help."

"I don't know that I understand, her grades are still flawless," I pointed out.

"It isn't about scores Severus," she sighed. "She is fraying emotionally and its leading to a meltdown if something doesn't happen soon."

"Would not the stop of my torture be change enough?" I asked calmly, still unsure of what she was saying.

"It is certainly a start, and the relief of that stress will do her wonders." Hermione said in a near whisper. "But I think she needs something. Anything that makes her feel a little better, and perhaps distracts her from the reality that her parents are getting divorced. She's like a lost ship Severus."

I could relate to the feeling of having one's tether cut loose by the lack of normalcy at home, but I didn't know how I was supposed to fix it for her. I could understand Hermione's concern for the girl on an emotional level not to mention as a teacher. How much could the girl withstand before her studies did suffer?

"I will do what I can," I said finally.

It was all I could offer. I did not have the secret answer for fixing a broken student. I had never had such answers.

-`-'-

Our embrace had been broken not much later when we had to begin our day of teaching. It had been more difficult to release her from my arms and leave her chambers than I was willing to admit. Grateful to be back in her good graces and eager to share more time with her I asked her to join me on a walk around the lake after dinner. The snow was beginning to melt away and it was warmer than the last time we had walked together. My worries that she would not agree were quickly wiped away with her smile and acceptance.

And so I slid easily through my lessons until I found myself sitting beside Hermione in the great hall enjoying a quiet dinner while I casually held her hand in mine beneath the table. She carried on a conversation with Filius about something silly a student had done earlier in the day, and I simply enjoyed the sound of her voice while I ate my tomato basil soup.

When we finally made our way out to stroll about the grounds night was trying to fall, and I conjured the floating lights I knew she loved. They hovered along obediently following behind us as I took her arm in mine and lead her on a path that would take us around the green houses instead of our customary path around the lake.

"I know we've decided how to approach the joint lesson, and I agree with it," she said as we passed the first greenhouse. "But I'm still worried. It's likely just because this particularly lesson is my baby. But I confess myself nervous."

"I think it will be very informative for the students," I told her. "But I also think it might be a good idea for us to right a joint paper on it, and submit it to the ministry."

"Why is that?" she asked, her curiosity clear in her voice.

"Well I am not particularly interested in doing the research myself," I admitted. "But I think the muggle liaison office may be interested in knowing they could pass off a potion cure for the cancers that plague muggles as simple chemistry if only they are willing to look at the similarities between muggle and magical medicine."

"That's genius Severus," she gushed.

"Don't act so surprised, you were the one who actually made the connection," I chuckled. "You could have a future at the ministry if you so wished it."

"Do you imagine a future at the ministry and get excited," she asked me cheekily.

"I would rather be forced to enjoy tea with first years for the rest of my life," I drawled. "Though I must admit my heart doesn't beat faster at the thought of staying at Hogwarts for all eternity."

"Even if you were to one day become Headmaster?" she asked plainly.

"I am not saying I would not be pleased," I admitted. "Just that my loyalty does not lie with the castle, and thus is not a large proponent in my dreams of the future."

"I suppose it isn't in mine either," she agreed. "I do however love teaching. I enjoy working with the children."

"Do you fancy the idea of children in your future?" I asked her, genuinely curious to know the answer, but not sure if she understood what I was really asking her.

"My heart would not be broken without them," she said quietly. "But I do like to picture myself one day being a mother."

"I must admit I do struggle picturing rearing a child within the walls of the castle," I said cryptically. "I rather prefer the picture of a young girl swinging from a tire swing on a front lawn, or running through a sprinkler in a well-tended little garden."

"That is a very nice picture," she said wistfully and her eyes grew distant as she pictured it and I led us around another greenhouse in the slow loop that would bring us back to the castle doors. "I suppose should I ever find myself pregnant I would have a serious decision to make, but for now I am content to simply dream of a child and spend my days with children that are not my own."

"You may convince me yet to enjoy these dunderheads," I laughed. "Though today I did find a witty young Slytherin to be far more enjoyable than I remember any student being."

"What was he doing?" she asked.

"Interesting that you assume they were male." I quipped. "She wasn't doing much other than carefully completing her potion correctly and then rather viciously scolding her classmate that very nearly blew up her potion by attempting to add the wrong ingredient before she caught her."

"You would like a girl like that," she chuckled.

"Oh I have always been drawn to intelligent women," I said joining her in a laugh before I stole a quick kiss and led her back into the warmth of the castle.


	33. The great question

_**So I've made a point to try and get out of the habit of including song lyrics in my stories, but I have already broken my self-imposed rule in this story and now I feel compelled to do it again. I think this shall be the last time so bear with me**_

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><p><em><strong>Song for this chapter: Awake My Soul by Mumford and Sons<strong>_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

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><p>"Hermione Jean Granger," he sighed as he slipped into the seat beside me at the table in the staff room. "If I had known how skilled you were at inducing a headache I never would have agreed to any of this."<p>

"I'm sorry Severus," I said, but the believability of the apology was lost by the fact that I was laughing. "I suppose my surprise that their actually weren't any volunteers caused me to be a little more zealous with my spell than I meant to be."

"Well, the boys seemed interested in playing shinning knight to your damsel in distress thus getting you out of sustaining a headache, but alas the girls felt no such compunction about my pain. Oh the woes of being the dreaded potion master."

He attempted to laugh at his joke, but he cringed and covered his ears as if it would block out the sound of his own voice. I didn't know if I should feel worse about his headache or how failed our experiment had been. The comparison of muggle and magical medicine seemed rather lack luster when he was unable to provide an example of how the aspirin relieved his headache as it hadn't worked.

"I'll just nip down to your office and grab you a potion," I told him quietly. "Though I am honestly surprised that the aspiring didn't work for you."

He just groaned at me while slumping forward and dropping his head into his hands. Was it strange to think he looked graceful even while he was completely miserable? I pushed the thought from my mind as I flitted away to grab the much needed pain reliever for him. The lesson hadn't been completely successful, but it hadn't been an utter failure. As for the graded assignments it was likely the students would be quite excited to learn how to make the pain reliever that had worked so quickly for me. However I might have to grade a little lightly on the paper I had assigned. Or more harshly if they chose to be derogatory about how the aspiring hadn't seemed to work. If things went well there would be more than one student who would realize the failure of the aspirin was likely to have more to do with their professor's personal blood chemistry rather than a defect with the medication.

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><p>Severus hadn't much been interested in chatting even after I had brought him the pain reliever. I knew he wasn't actually angry with me, but I decided to give him a bit of distance for the evening until he had gotten over whichever part of the whole experience was bothering him. I wasn't in the mood to go for a walk, or to sit in my chambers, and as it was the middle of the week I really shouldn't be going off to the burrow to spend time with Molly, so I found myself in the library.<p>

At first I thought I was just going to sit there, maybe enjoy some light reading, but once I was walking through the stacks it occurred to me that there was something that I wanted to learn about. I wanted to understand what was happening between Severus and I. Intellectually I knew there wouldn't be a book that would explain the scary newness of falling in love, but I was hoping there was a book that could explain some of it. I wanted to understand how we seemed to somehow be able to sense the emotions of the other while we were together in such an intimate way. I wanted to know why it seemed that every time we fought my ears seemed to ring. I wanted to know if the two things were committed.

It seemed impossible that the two things not be connected. No, even if the only connection was that they both pertained to Severus, they were most certainly connected. If that were all I thought that connected them I could just let it rest, but I felt there was more, and so like so many times in my past the search began. I trusted that my faithful library would not let me down. It never had in the past, and I didn't expect it to start now.

I made my way into the restricted section, as the subject I was going to investigate first was not something open to the students at large. Severus and I had forged a connection between the two of us, and I wanted to see if perhaps that was responsible for what was happening now. I wander through the stacks until I found the shelf housing books about the art of legilimency. There only seemed to be three of them, so I pulled them all, and went to sit in a windowsill. The sun was still bright, and the stones were warm, creating a comfortable place to read.

I sped read through the first couple of chapters of the first book before deciding that it was not going to be worth my time. It was a practical application book that attempted to break down the mechanics of how the magic was done. And instruction booklet was not going to give me information on my theory that this strange phenomenon between us was caused by the mental connection we had made.

I pulled out the next book, and at first I was hopeful. It was more theory based, and while tearing through it I did gain quite a bit of insight into how the human mind worked and what was suspected of how magic altered that I didn't gain much more. It didn't talk about a long term connection being created by people who share a mind space for a long period of time. It didn't talk about any auditory sensation when the two people who enjoyed such a close connection fought or separated. It wasn't the books fault, but I was sorely tempted to throw it at the wall when it did not yield me the information I wanted it too.

The third book was more like an essay explaining what legilimency was, and thus a waste of my time. I slammed the book down on the window ledge with a groan and wracked my brain for a new theory. If it wasn't because of the legilimency then what was it? When I had first hear the ringing in my ears my mind had jumped to ancient magic. Was that what this was? Maybe I was just looking in the wrong section of the library. I returned the legilimency books to their home, and went in search of the book that McGonagall had given to me last spring to help me better understand how Severus had been able to follow me.

He had used ancient magic there, maybe a more thorough read of that book would reveal that this was all caused by an ancient tracking spell. When I finally found the book that I remembered I saw that it was nestled on a shelf full of other old books. Some of them were spells, some of them were potions, and one of them stood out to me in an odd way. It was a book about soul magic, the most ancient magic there was. It seemed ridiculous to consider it, but I figured that the worst that could happen would be for me to gain a bit knowledge that didn't relate to the situation. And well that had already happened today so it wouldn't be new.

I took it with the book about the tracking spell, and returned to my window seat. The information was familiar in the first book. I confirmed my suspicion that Severus had apparated somewhere very dark to loose me during that chase between us this summer, but it did not give me any information about the emotions or even the ringing in my ears. I had thought at least the latter would be explained in the book as I had first noticed it when I had severed the connection between the two of us at the hospital.

I set it aside with a sigh and cracked open the book on soul magic. The first chapter spoke of how a witch or wizard could save the life of another with the power of their soul, but that sounded rather frightening to be honest. It didn't seem to have anything to do with what I was researching so I skipped forward to the next chapter. I wanted to dismiss it on principle alone when I read the title of the chapter, but the more I read the description of how that bit of soul magic seemed to work the more it seemed to make sense.

_Soul Mates_, I whispered the word in my mind. It wasn't something I was ready to try and say out loud. Was that even possible? The book described the connection between soul mates as closer than anything imaginable. The book suggested that the connection allowed both people to feel the emotions of another while engaged in intimate activities. It said that most everything was theory as those who made a soul bond did not tend to be very forth coming with details, but that it was considered to be validated that after the soul band was formally made the partners were able to read one another's thoughts. Though admittedly it was unclear as to what level of thought was read. Would it be like when two minds connected with legilimency and you could literally see what the other person was seeing in their mind? Or was it like the sensation of feeling the emotions, vague and yet powerful at the same time? The book suggested that one soul may even be able to call out to the other across long distances in a time of need.

I couldn't help but blush when I saw how the soul bond was made. A person could share their life platonically with their soul mate for years and never know it, because intimacy was needed to even discover the connection was there. A person would feel drawn to the other, but they may never realize how deep the weight of it went if they never so much as kissed the person. The full bonding however was only formed after coitus. Was that a theory I was ready to test? Could I simply sleep with Severus in order to prove one way or another if he was my soul mate? Was I even considering something as ridiculously romantic as the idea of soul mates?

I wanted to dismiss it altogether, but as I read over the chapter once more it also occurred to me that the description I was reading sounded a lot like Molly and Arthur. Was it possible that they were soul mates? My first instinct was to floo directly to the burrow and begin questioning Molly, but I quickly shook that off. If I did that I might reveal what I suspect about Severus and myself and I wasn't ready for that. Not to mention that it seemed more prudent to speak to Severus about something like this first. It was a rather private matter wasn't it?

With a sigh I returned the books to the shelf and made my way out of the library. I was developing a headache of my own trying to wrap my mind around such an idea as the one I had just encountered in that book. I wanted to write a letter to Molly. I wanted to run to Severus and beg him to make sense of it all for me. I wanted to get pissed drunk and not think about any of it. Instead I went to my classroom, and I set on the bench before the piano. For a while I just stared at the keys, but then I began to play through the song that Severus had spoken of on the record he made for me.

I played the song again and again until I was calm. I played it until my headache had gone. I played it until I no longer felt the compulsion to distance myself from reality with alcohol. I played until I felt light once more and tiredness began to creep up on me. When I had reached that point I finally moved away from the piano and went back to my chambers where I crawled in to bed and tried not to wonder what Severus was up to right this moment.

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><p>My next encounter with Severus was when he invited me to his chambers to spend an evening with him. I accepted easily, and only later realized that he had invited me to join him on Valentine's Day. I was going to share another date with Severus, and it was going to be on Valentine's Day. I had never been on a date for Valentine's Day. I was excited, and flustered, and even a little bit nervous.<p>

I struggled with how I should dress. It was an important date, but it was in his chambers so I wasn't sure if I should go overtly formal or if I should be more casual about it all. In the end I decided to go with something somewhere in between. I wore a dress, but it was a simple pink knitted cotton wrap. My shoes were shiny and black, but they were flats. I styled my hair in curls, but I did not wear jewelry. I felt pretty but not overly formal, it seemed like the right choice.

When Severus slid open the portrait of a wooded glen to open his chambers I decided my semi casual attire had been right. He was wearing his black teaching slacks and a deep gray button down that looked quite nice with his skin. He stepped to the side and I saw that his quarts began with a spacious kitchen/lab hybrid rather than a sitting room like mine. I was momentarily distracted by the ingredient vials I saw sitting unobtrusively on the bar in front of his stove, but then I saw that he had set a table for dinner that had flickering candles sitting cheerily on it.

I could smell chicken cooking, and I could hear a fire crackling merrily in the fireplace, but I was distracted by the scent of his cologne as I passed him to enter his chambers. He had clearly prepared a romantic dinner, and I was happy to join him in it, but my thoughts were wrapped up in how the musky scent of his cologne made my head feel a bit lighter. It drew me to him, and overrode my anxieties about intimacy. It made me want him far more than I wanted the chicken that was simmering on the stove.

"I didn't know that you brewed potions in your chambers," I said finally with a slight chuckle as he closed the portrait and joined me beside the bar. "When I pictured you in your chambers I pictured you reading, not brewing."

"I read as well," he said with a light laugh, and gestured to the sunken floor where his personal library wrapped in a semi-circle around a single armchair.

"So you do," I nodded, resisting the temptation to go over and look at his books. "What are you making? It smells amazing."

"Grilled chicken penne," he answered as he quickly uncorked a bottle of wine and began pouring a glass for each of us. "I remembered how much you seemed to like the tomatoes from my garden in Spinners End, so I used the last of the sun dried ones I had in the pasta."

"That sounds quite good," I answered hungrily.

We sat together at the able, enjoying the meal that he made, and I found it was much better than the bangers and mash I had made for his birthday. Hopefully the rest of tonight would go better than his birthday. I certainly didn't want another train wreck tonight. The conversation was easy, and the food was good. I was more relaxed than I had felt in a while, and it was all due to Severus and his efforts.

"Is that?" I asked, interrupting him in the middle of a sentence as my eyes landed on a guitar that was partially tucked away beside his books. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, but is that the guitar that you played on the record?"

"No," he admitted, his voice seeming to grow more silky as he glanced at the guitar before meeting my eyes once more. "I played a guitar that belonged to the studio for the record. I purchased that one when I realized I no longer had the one that had been stored at Spinner's End but found that I wanted to play again."

"You've been playing then?" I asked, my excitement embarrassingly clear in my voice. "Whose work do you like to play?"

"My own," he said quietly before letting his eyes wander to his wine glass.

"You compose your own pieces," I stated, stunned. "It never occurred to me. I thought you had simply chosen a very fitting song to use on the record. You wrote that?"

"I did," he admitted, and I realized he sounded nervous.

"It was amazing Severus," I assured him. "I love it even more now."

He stayed quiet, but he twitched his head just slightly, causing half of his face to be obscured by his hair and I knew he would not say anything. He was processing what I had said in the way that I had noticed he occasionally did.

"Will you play me a song now," I asked him my voice coming out like a deep whisper and revealing how much I wanted him to say yes.

"If you so wish," he said formally, but I saw the glimmer in his eye when he lifted his head back up and pushed his chair back from the table.

I watched him carefully as he made his way over to the sunken room and pulled out the guitar. He hesitated when it was in his hands, and when his eyes lingered on the armchair in his sitting room, I stood from my seat. He took that as a cue to take his seat there, and I sat on the steps that lead down to the carpeted room he was now sitting in.

He began to strum on his guitar and my heart lurched in my chest. It wasn't the song I remembered from the record. He had written another song? I waited with baited breath to see if he would sing to me while I was right here looking at him. The beginning of the song seemed to stretch on as I waited to see if I would get what I wanted, and then his hair fell back over his shoulder as he lifted his head and looked me in the eye. He began to sing and his smooth baritone voice made me so weak in the knees that I was grateful that I had thought ahead enough to sit down first.

_Am I loud and clear, or am I breaking up?_

_Am I still your charm, or am I just bad luck?_

_Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?_

_I'll show you mine if you show me yours first_

_Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse_

_Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words_

_We live on front porches and swing life away,_

_We get by just fine here on minimum wage_

_If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,_

_I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand_

_I've been here so long, I think that it's time to move_

_The winter's so cold, summer's over too soon_

_Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow_

_I've got some friends, some that I hardly know_

_But we've had some times, I wouldn't trade for the world_

_We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go_

_We live on front porches and swing life away,_

_We get by just fine here on minimum wage_

_If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,_

_I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand...until you hold my hand_

_I'll show you mine if you show me yours first_

_Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse_

_Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words_

_We live on front porches and swing life away,_

_We get by just fine here on minimum wage_

_If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,_

_I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand_

_Swing life away. Swing life away. Swing life away. Swing life away._

He didn't even have to tell me who he had been thinking about when he wrote it, I could picture the very same memories he must have been thinking of as he said the words. I wondered about some of it, and agreed entirely with all of it. I could feel tears building in my eyes as the weight of his emotion settled on me.

"I love you," I whispered, the words slipping out before I could tell my mind not to say them. "I love you."

The room fell quiet between us, and he tilted his head in a manner that entirely obscured his face from me. My heart thumped loudly in my ears as my words settled between us, but I found I did not feel afraid. Perhaps I hadn't planned it, but I did not regret telling him how I feel, particularly after he had sung a song that seemed to tell me the same thing.

I watched him, waiting for the defensive and vulnerable gesture to pass. I tried to imagine the many things that might be going through his mind. I wondered if he had been told that by anyone else before. Surely his mother had, but had anyone else? Had Lily ever told him that she loved him? I was beginning to wonder if I had hurt him somehow by admitting it out loud when his head lifted and his hair fell to the side revealing his eyes once more.

I looked determinately into his eyes, and immediately he slipped into my mind. At first I only felt his presence there, but then he began to layer his feelings onto me and it was almost as if I would suffocate under it if it didn't feel so good. I could feel the tender care he felt each time he looked at me. I could feel the way that he needed to protect me and keep me safe, for in a way he was protecting himself. I could feel his trust in me. I could feel his desires. I could feel his confusion. I could feel his guilt at being unable to say back to me what I had just said to him.

I pushed my love back at him once more. I allowed him to feel that I accepted his hesitance. I knew it was too much to hope that he hadn't seen at least a trace of the thoughts I had just had while watching him, so I also allowed him to feel my apology for any offense my analysis might have caused. _I love you no matter what_, I thought at him.

_I love you too_¸ he thought back at me, his voice overwhelmingly strong within the walls of my mind. _One day I will be able to say it aloud. I promise you that._

"It is enough," I told him when he slid from within my mind. "For now it is enough."


	34. Let our scars fall in love

_**Song for this chapter: Perpetuum Mobile by Penguin Café Orchestra**_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

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><p>For days after our Valentine's day date I felt as if I might swoon when I looked at Severus. I kept remembering how his voice had sounded when he sang, or what his eyes had looked like when he had slipped into my mind to show me what he felt. I thought about the smell of his cologne and that only compounded the problem. Somehow during all of our time together before that night I hadn't noticed that he wore it, but now it seemed to take over my mind. If I thought hard about it I could vaguely remember a hint of it here or there during an embrace or while passing in the hall. But now it was the center of my attention. It disconcerted to me and got me hot under the collar all at the same time.<p>

I wondered if the sudden deepening attraction had anything to do with my reading about a possible soul bond between us. There wasn't a question as to whether I found myself attracted the dark and brooding man because I had known that from the first time I had wanted to press my lips to his. The question was if this new heightened attraction was developing naturally or if it was enhanced by my curiosity as to if we were soul mates or not. Did I want him this badly simply because I loved him, or did I want him this badly because I wanted to know if we would make a soul bond upon coitus?

When in doubt, go to the library right?

So, that was why I found myself spending leap day in the library. As it was a holiday more celebrated by muggles, I had given my students the day off. Of course I was also making them turn in an essay about the history of the holiday. Because everyone else was still holding classes today, I had the library to myself other than Madam Pince.

I knew already that the only book we had on ancient soul magic was in the restricted section, and I had already read it. At this point I was reduced to rifling through the card catalog looking for a reference to another book that mentioned soul mates. Of course I had to be blasé about checking the card catalog so Pince wouldn't ask if I needed her help finding something. I suppose there were upsides and downsides to having the library to myself.

I searched for soul mates and soul bond, but the only references were to the book I had already read. When I went for a more basic approach and just looked under soul, I did find a reference to another book that I hadn't read yet. Surprisingly the book was not in the restricted section. Instead it was located along side somewhat frivolous books about etiquette in the wizarding world and other social books. The location made me wonder if it would really be worth my time, but I pulled it from the shelf none the less.

Going to sit with in a window seat while out in the open area of the library seemed a little too conspicuous considering, so I went to sit at a table. I felt exposed, but I tried to act as if I was reading any random text book. The title wasn't reassuring for considering the book seemed to be about marriages and weddings, but I was willing to give it a shot.

In the end the only reference I found was as depressing as it was enlightening. There was a passing mention in the end of the book about marriages ending. It said that there was a recorded case of a widowed woman who heard a roaring in her ears until her husband's husbands funeral ended. The author theorized that the couple had been soul mates, and the woman had suffered from the forced disconnection from her husband's soul until that soul had departed the earth and left her a tiny bit of peace in her mourning.

Was that what was happening? Did I hear that ringing sound in my ears because there was a forced disconnection between my soul and his? That felt like a confirmation of a soul bond if there ever was one, but I still felt unsure. I should really just talk to Severus about this, though I still felt the impulse to go talk to Molly. It would be wrong to go to Molly first, I knew that, but I wanted a concrete answer. I hated not having an answer; it went against my very being.

And I knew I wasn't going to feel better until I talked about it with someone. That someone needed to be Severus. So I spent the rest of the afternoon gathering up my courage to go down to the dungeon tonight and bring up the subject of soul mates with the man that had somehow captured my damaged soul.

By the time I went down to dinner I had worked up the courage, and was even a little excited about it. Even if it was a nervous excitement. I sat beside Severus, enjoying my soup, but not as much as I was enjoying the scent of his cologne. We made small talk about the upcoming quidditch match with Minerva, but I dropped out of the conversation when the playful conversation seemed to be spiraling into an argument.

"Are you alright?" Severus asked me quietly when he realized I was no longer participating in the conversation.

"Oh I'm great, I was just thinking about other things," I told him in a confidential whisper. "Do you want to have a drink together or something after dinner?"

"I'd like that" he said with a smirk. "Care to join me in my chambers?"

"I'd like that," I repeated his words, and felt a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.

We finished the meal in relative quiet and left through the teachers entrance, but the second the door slid closed behind us I wrapped my arms around his. Severus remained stoic and unyielding in front of the students, but in the quiet semidarkness of the hallway, he did not rebuke me. He gently placed his hand over mine where it was wrapped around his bicep and led me further from the watchful eye of the student body. I was tempted to tell him how much I had missed him throughout the day, but that made me feel clingy and young so I kept it to myself and just leaned my head casually on his shoulder as he quickly yet artfully dropped the wards at his door.

"What would you like to do this evening?" he asked me when I released his arm and he lit a cheery fire in the kitchen fireplace.

"I uh… thought we could read together," I stuttered, chickening out when faced with the prospect of actually bringing up soul mates with Severus.

"Reading sounds nice," he smiled with what appeared to be genuine happiness. "This month's potion periodical just came in and it has a follow up article about the wolfsbane alteration that I am interested in reading before I try the change on Lupin."

"I didn't actually bring a book," I chuckled, releasing my nerves in light of how comfortable he was. "But I'm sure I can find _something_ in your personal library."

"I have recently procured a book about how the wizarding wireless network was established that you may find interesting," he suggested nodding his head toward his little living room.

I did see a stack of books, sitting on the arm of his chair, but that wasn't what caught my attention. What caught my attention was the second chair that had not been there when I had come down here for Valentine's day. It was a little smaller than his chair, made of black leather, but it was a second chair. He got me a chair! I felt overwhelmed, and almost gushed out the soul mate thing in a fit of emotion.

"That sounds interesting," I smiled when I had settled myself, and I went to take a seat in my chair, scooping the book off of the arm of his chair.

"Would you like wine or perhaps some milk? I myself am not in the mood for a fire whiskey." He asked, his back turned to me as he looked through the tiny fridge that was stowed away in one of the cabinets in his counter.

"Milk sounds nice," I answered while I wondered if he had used the same spell to power his fridge that Molly had used to power mine.

The curiosity dispelled my nerves or a few moments, but then I remembered the real reason I had come to his chambers and my heart started to beat faster again. I fingered the cover of the book in my lap while I watched him pour two glasses of milk. How was a person supposed to even bring up such a topic. _Hey thanks for the milk, I guess this makes us soul mates huh?_ That hardly seemed like the right way to approach it.

Severus handed me a glass of milk and slid into the chair beside me. He moved the books that were stacked on the arm onto the floor, creating a small table between the two chairs that we sat our glasses upon. It wasn't the most reverent way to treat a book, but knocking a glass of milk off the arm of the chair and ruining the books would have been worse so I did not say anything. I placed my glass beside his, and watched him pick up his potion periodical out of the corner of my eye.

He seemed relaxed as he opened what passed for a wizarding magazine and settled in to read the article he had been looking forward to. I flipped open the book in my lap and stared at the first page, but I I didn't really see the words. Instead I was thinking about how to start this conversation.

I stumbled over different beginnings in my head, my heart rate climbing steadily higher, for a good five minutes before I decided to just read the book. It was a cowardly choice, but I just wasn't ready to bring it up yet. If I were, wouldn't I be able to just spit it out? Instead of trying to give myself a heart attack while Severus quietly reads beside me. Nope… not today. Maybe tomorrow I will have the courage.

The book was actually quite fascinating once I focused my attention on it. So fascinating in fact that I didn't notice how quickly the evening was passing. It seemed one minute I had just decided to actually read the book and the next Severus was closing his journal and collecting our empty milk glasses to take back to the kitchen.

"It's nearing midnight," he said casually as he rinsed the glasses in the sink. "If you wish to spend the evening here, you would not find me to be disagreeable."

I think I may have been the only person on the planet that would have been able to hear the note of nervousness in his voice when he asked me that. It endeared me to him further to know that I was not alone in feeling occasionally unsure of my footing in our relationship.

"That sounds rather nice," I said quietly closing the book and setting it to the side so I could focus on him.

"I think you may enjoy my bedroom chambers," he said in a lighter tone as he set the glasses down and walked over to stand at the top of the stairs leading down into his sunken living room. "If I remember correctly from my forays into your mind, you were particularly fond of your visits to the aquarium with your parents."

"Do you have a fish tank Severus?" I asked him excitedly hoping up from my chair.

"Something like that," he chuckled as he led me out of the living room and through a door so unobtrusive it seemed to be a blank stretch of wall until Severus placed his hand upon it.

The handle seemed to grow out of nowhere, though once I saw it I realized it had been there the entire time. I guess that he had placed some sort of notice me not charm on it, and followed him in. The first thing that caught my attention was the change in light. There was an obvious change in that the living room had been lit by several candles, and the bedroom did not seem to have a light on. There was a soft green light emanating from the darkness of the room that had my feet moving forward to discover the source before I made a conscious decision to do so.

I sucked in a breath of surprise when I stepped fully into the room and I saw what that light was. The room was domed, and all of the walls and ceiling were made of glass, split only by the metal beams that were supporting it. Surrounding the room from what seemed like all sides, was the lake, which appeared to have an earthly light radiating out from somewhere in the center that cast the green light upon the bedroom. I saw a fish swim by and some wild grasses swaying about on the ground near the glass, and I understood the reference to an aquarium immediately.

"Your bedroom is much cooler than mine," I conceded in a half whisper as I tore my eyes from the walls to look at the room itself.

There was a half wall with a gap wide enough to let a person through, that created a sitting area right by the wall that stuck the farthest out into the lake. On the other side of the wall Severus had tucked a small desk into the corner he had created, as well as a queen sized bed that was the only other non –four poster I had seen in the castle besides my own. I was surprised to see that his bed linens were in different shades of blue, as I had secretly expected to see Slytherin green plastered all over his quarters.

"I think I might actually like yours better," he said quietly as he moved behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist from behind. "But I do find mine to be quite comfortable.

We stood together like that for a while simply enjoying the ambience and each other's company. My excitement from seeing his remarkable bedroom slowly faded and I found that I was in fact quite tired. The idea of climbing into the bed beside Severus was sounding rather appealing when it occurred tome that I did not have any pajamas to wear. I was just thinking of actually asking a house elf to retrieve them for me when Severus revealed that he seemed to be thinking along the same lines.

"I have a large t-shirt you could wear to sleep in," he offered softly as he released me from his embrace, and moved toward the wardrobe butted up against the only stone wall in the room.

"Thank you," I said and put my hand out for the shirt that he was pulling off of a hanger.

I couldn't help but crack a smile when I saw it. The shirt was black, but old and faded enough that it seemed more gray than anything else, and it had the famous rolling stone lips emblazoned in peeling screen painting on it. I would not have picked Severus Snape to have an old muggle rock and roll tshirt hidden away in his wardrobe and yet here it was.

"I will step out so you can change," he offered, as he made his way out of the room with what looked to be a pair of flannel pajama pants in his hand.

His departure was silent other than the door clicking shut behind him Everything seemed quiet in this room, like we were a million miles away from civilization even though we were still inside the castle. I basked in how nice that was while I shucked my teaching robes and bra, and slid into his t-shirt. It hit at the tops of my thighs leaving me more exposed than I could ever remember being in his presence though I did not feel terribly uncomfortable. The bottom of one of the stubborn scars that still remained partially visible near my hip could be seen so I tugged the shirt down a little lower.

I neatly folded my clothes into a pile and set them on his desk chair before deciding it might be better to simply climb into the bed, since the stubborn shirt kept riding up and it seemed inappropriate to let Severus see my knickers when we were just supposed to be sleeping tonight. I flipped the blanket back and slid into the surprisingly soft and comfortable bed. To look at, it seemed it would be a rather unpleasantly firm mattress, but it felt like I was sitting on a cloud. I had just pulled the blue comforter over my exposed legs when Severus knocked gently at the door.

"May I come in," he asked politely.

"It is your room after all," I chuckled as an acknowledgment that it was okay for him to enter.

He pushed open the door once more, and for the second time that night I found myself sucking in a surprised breath in this room. He had opted not to wear a shirt with his blue pants, and the exposed chest of Severus Snape was more toned that I had been prepared for. He did not look like some oiled up muscle builder, for which I was grateful but there was certainly definition there underneath the speckling of black hairs. He looked uncomfortable with my attentions so I forced my eyes to go back to his instead of staring.

"Are you going to get into bed?" I asked him when he remained standing in the doorway.

"Is that okay?" he asked quietly. "You seem… startled with my appearance. I know my scars can be a bit much."

"Scars?" I asked feeling stupid as I returned my attention to his torso.

I still couldn't see them. He quirked his brow in confusion and stepped further into the room. When the green light further illuminated his flesh I could see the shadowy recesses created by scars blocking the light. There were a few that crisscrossed over his chest, and one wrapped over his shoulder toward his back and hinted at the existence of more.

"I hadn't even noticed them until you pointed them out," I said as he joined me in the bed. "I was apparently too distracted by the figure you cut in low slung pants with no shirt on."

"Well now you see them," he said in a detached sort of voice as he pulled the blanket over his legs. "I can find a shirt to wear if that would make you more comfortable."

"Severus don't you think it would be sort of hypocritical if I was unable to look at your scars?" I asked him in disbelief. "You have to look at mine all day long."

"I do not notice them," he assured me in a firm voice that carried his affection for me.

"Nor do I yours," I assured him as I lay down, and patted the pillow where his head should be resting. "None of yours scars will scare me off, or make me love you less."

"Even this one?" he asked in a barely audible whisper as he presented me with his left forearm.

Even in the dim light I could see the raised scar where his dark mark should have been. It looked like he had been badly burned, and the flesh was slightly raised in a way that only very deep burns seemed to scar.

"What?" I questioned without seeming t have access to my vocabulary.

"When the Dark Lord finally fell, all of the Death Eaters knew it was final," he told me. "We knew this because a terrible pain erupted in our marks. Whatever spell Ronald used to kill him, somehow caused the connection between us and the Dark Lord to burn. It burned the mark from our flesh in a painful but purifying experience. The traces of dark magic that lingered, always causing pain in the arm vanished with that burning pain, and once the wound healed it was nice to for once feel nothing in my arm unless I was touching it."

"That sounds both awful and amazing," I said in a voice just as quiet as the one he had told his story in. "I don't imagine I would have handled that burning pain very well though."

"I was shocked by it," he admitted. "But at the time I was on an important mission and the only attention I paid it was to bandage my arm in case it was to start bleeding and to take a rather pointless pain relieving potion."

"Well I don't mind that scar either," I assured him as I thought about how determined he had been to try and find me for all those years.

That seemed to settle the last of his nerves, and he lowered himself down to the mattress, pulling the blanket up to our shoulders. He lay on his side facing me, and after a moment of in decision I flipped over and scuttled across the bed until my back was pressed against his chest. He gentle lay his arm over my torso and then pulled me more tightly against him. I was warm and comfortable, and I felt safe. Almost safe enough to bring up the idea of soul mates, but I heard his breathing even out into the sounds of sleep so I let the idea slip from my mind. I listened to his gentle breathing until I too drifted off.

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><p><strong>Happy Birthday To ME :D enjoy this chapter, it's like a present to you, but it's really a present for me haha<strong>


	35. Their memories & their nightmares

_**Song for this chapter: SPOV: Forgetting by David Gray **_

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

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><p>I startled awake, my heart thumping in my chest as I reached for my wand under my pillow. My hand was fisted around blackthorn before I awoke enough to understand what the movement I felt in my bed was. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and focused my attention on the movement. Hermione was thrashing in the bed beside me and whimpering in her sleep. Something in my chest twisted when I saw that even though her eyes were closed, there were tears leaking out onto the pillow as she fought whatever plagued her in her nightmare.<p>

I wanted to wake her to pull her from the dream, but I was afraid that she was dreaming of that night and waking to find herself in bed with a man might be a bit traumatizing for her. I prepared myself to spring out of bed and retreat to a distance that made her feel safer, and then I reached out a tentative hand to shake her.

"Hermione," I said quietly as I grasped her shoulder and gently shook her.

She jerked into awareness nearly as quickly as I had, but her first inclination was not to go for her wand. Instead she grasped to fistfuls of sheet and burst into tears. I had absolutely no idea what to do about it. Did she want me to hold her? She want me to comfort her in some way? Did she want me to get out of her space?

"What should I do?" I asked her, embarrassed both by how pathetic I sounded, and how so completely unsure of myself that I felt.

"Please," she begged me, her voice hoarse through her tears.

I didn't know what she was asking for. Her tears were mildly disturbing, but the plea was much worse. What did she want? She was still crying, but she released her grip on the sheets and threw them around my neck. Her skin was clammy, and her tears fell on my chest as she pulled herself up against my body. I wrapped my arms around her, thinking she wanted me to hold her after all, but she just struggled out of my grasp.

"Please," she begged me again, sounding even more pitiful than the last time. "Please."

She stopped talking after that, and started kissing me. It was wet, and her lips were harsh against mine as she sought whatever it was she was looking for. I remained frozen for a moment, but when she clung tighter to me, and I heard a pained sound in the back of her throat, the only appropriate response seemed to be to kiss her back. I allowed my lips to move with hers, and it was like unlocking a door that gave me access to her emotional climate.

It was overwhelming to say the least. She was distraught, but underneath the over panic she seemed to be feeling I could sense confusion, and sadness, and a heady fear. I could feel her lust rise up within her as I buried my hands in her hair, but it was battling with a wave of desperation that knocked the air from my lungs. I seemed her dream had been about something else entirely, and I had no idea how to respond to her. As she pressed her body intimately to mine it seemed that she had completely forgotten about her past experiences with such close contact.

Or was that what this was? Was she trying to forget?

I couldn't even begin to process what I might be feeling about that. I was to overwhelmed by everything that she was feeling. I loved her, and I was attracted to her, but there was very little lust within me while she was sobbing through her kisses. Any other time I would love to snog her, but right now I wanted to hold her and comfort her instead. It seemed that this was the comfort she wanted though.

Why this though? Why did she suddenly feel so desperate?

"Please don't leave me," she gasped, burying her head in the crook of my neck as her hands traced down my torso and latched onto the top of my sleep pants.

The confusion I felt at her words washed over the wave of lust that threatened to crest when I felt her try to push the material off my hips. I closed my hands around her, stilling them, and firmly keeping the garment in place.

"Hermione," I said quietly, wanting to touch her face, but unwilling to release her hand an allow it to return to its previous task. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't leave," she shuddered, tears spilling into my clavicle and running down my chest. "I need you."

Was that what her nightmare had been about? Was she terrified of me leaving now? Had I caused this by my inability to say the words I love you to her? She had said what I had done was enough, but what if that had been a lie?

"I would never," I promised her, taking the risk of releasing her hands so I could place my hands on either side of her face and turn it so I could see her face. "Never."

"You have before," she sobbed her hands cupping mine on her face. "Just like I have. I don't want that Severus."

"Neither do I you silly woman," I said, trying to break through the desperation she was clearly still feeling with a bit of levity. "I will never leave you, and I assume you would not leave me either."

"Never," she agreed fiercely, choking on a sob while she tried to calm herself.

I ran my thumbs over her cheekbones trying to sooth her as she struggled to school hear breathing. She quieted, but the tears continued falling. Clearly it had been a particularly bad dream.

"Do you want to tell me about the dream," I asked her when she finally settled enough to nestled back into my embrace and wrap her arms around me.

"It was… just bad." She whispered against my skin. "Over and over again you were leaving me. And it was… I just… there aren't words."

"It's okay," I soothed, even though it felt ridiculous as it came out of my mouth. "It was just a dream. It won't happen."

"Promise." She said.

It was more of a demand than a question, but it reminded me of a time not that long ago when she had been on her knees in my living room, asking me to promise her something. There had been tears that time as well, and I felt just as disrupted this time around even if it was completely different.

"I promise," I told her firmly, before I began rubbing circles on her lower back that I hoped would soother.

It took time, but eventually they seemed to work. Her breathing slowed and the tears dried up. After what seemed like a lifetime her breathing became so slow that I knew she was sleeping. I lay awake, just holding her for a long time, my mind reeling. That was the last thing I had expected when inviting her to stay the night. Would this sudden anxiety be soothed from the conversation we had before she fell asleep or would she need something more? Would she even remember this in the morning?

I couldn't kick the nagging feeling that this was stemming from a certain phrase I hadn't shared, even if she said and perhaps even thought she was fine with not hearing it. That or this concern had been there for our entire relationship and I hadn't known because I wasn't there to see the nightmares happen. Or perhaps was there something else. Had something happened today to make her worry about the footing in our relationship?

I admitted defeat in the early hours of the morning. I had a lot of questions, but I didn't have any answers. I sighed, and fell back on the old habit of utilizing my mental shields to clear all thought from my mind. When I found my mind to at least appear to be an empty pool of water, I was calm enough to succumb to the exhaustion that was plaguing me. Hopefully the second try at sleeping would go a little better.

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><p><strong>Ha, so I had a nightmare, and when I couldn't fall back to sleep I decided to write this little gem. It is short, and doesn't really forward the plot much, but hey its not horrible and bonus points the song I picked is pretty good if I do say so myself.<strong>


	36. You were searching for relief

_**Song for this chapter: My Love by Sia**_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

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><p>I was absolutely mortified when I awoke in the morning with the memory of how I had acted in the middle of the night. Severus was gentleman enough the refrain from mentioning it other than asking how I was feeling this morning. We both pretended not to notice how hoarse my voice was when I answered that I was fine.<p>

"I should go get fresh robes," I said quietly as I straightened out the sheet on my side of the bed. "Will I see you at breakfast?'

"Yes Hermione," he said patiently, and it was only then that I realized how pathetically desperate my question must have sounded.

"That came out like something a fifteen year old would say," I sighed as I smoothed out the blanket and stepped away from the bed. "What I meant is I will see you at breakfast."

"I will see you at breakfast," he said with the slightest of a chuckle in his voice.

I swept out of the room before my face could gain anymore color. We'd woken up early enough that none of the students seemed to be out of bed yet. I shelved the worry of being seen in what would be interpreted as a walk of shame and briskly made my way back to my chambers in yesterday's robes. By the time I was standing in my sitting room, I wished I had taken his t-shirt with me. It smelled like him, and it was a nice reminder of our first night together, even if I did have an embarrassing nightmare.

I took my time in the shower, washing away all of my worries from the previous night. I tried not to think at all while surrounded by steam that had taken on the smell of my body wash, but thoughts of what I needed to talk to Severus about slowly climbed into my mind once more. I needed to tell him tonight. He probably wanted to know what had me on edge, and I wanted to stop being on that edge. I had chickened out last night, but I wouldn't tonight.

I was calmed by my sense of resolve and it let me clear my head long enough to pull my hair into a braid and dress in my teaching robes. That calm stayed with me as I too my seat beside Severus in the great hall, and didn't falter as I slyly slid my hand onto his knee beneath the table.

"Good morning professor," I said cheerfully to him as if I hadn't just left his chambers 30 minutes ago.

"Good morning," he drawled slowly enough that I almost couldn't hear the smile in his voice. Almost.

I used my other hand to pour myself some water and watched absently as the morning owls arrived to deliver mail to the students. My mind wandered momentarily to the question of if I should get an owl until Severus shifted in his seat to angle himself closer to me.

"I was wondering if you wanted to stay together again tonight," he whispered into my ear in a way that kept others from hearing, but was not terribly obvious to those who might be watching.

"I'd like that," I said quietly angling my face toward his. "I was thinking perhaps mine…"

I trailed off; not wanting to say anything more that might let someone other than Severus know I was inviting him to say in my chambers. Severus gave me a smile and a sight nod, and I knew that he both agreed and found my sentence structure amusing.

We finished out breakfast in relative quiet, and for a moment my nerves had passed. For a moment I thought about my classes for the day, and how the elves had done a particularly good job on the bacon today. It was a nice moment, but when I walked briskly out of the great hall, the wind I created whipped my hair around, and when I tucked it behind my ear I remembered Severus gently pushing my hair behind me ear the last time he had kissed me. Just like that my heart was racing to thoughts of how I felt when he kissed me, which led to thoughts about what I needed to talk to him about.

With the moment passed, I had a day full of attempting to teach through my distraction ahead of me. Right after breakfast I had third years, which I had begun to think of as first years in my head as they were the youngest students I ever saw. Today in particular I thought of them as first years because none of them seemed to be understanding my explanation for the existence of a gas station. No matter how many ways I phrased it, the students didn't seem to understand that muggle vehicles, not being powered by magic, needed some sort of fuel to make it run. The thought that the engine, which had been in a different lesson, should run the car, and petrol seemed superfluous to them. Not that any of them had a wide enough vocabulary to know what superfluous even meant.

The fifth years before lunch were much more receptive to information which made my distraction embarrassingly clear. I ran out of thoughtful things to share about the muggle government halfway through the lesson, and told them to review their notes for an upcoming test. I then sat at my desk, making a note to myself to actually write a test as I hadn't been planning one, before my mind began to wander to tonight's upcoming conversation once more.

I did not attend lunch. My stomach was unsettled by nerves, and I knew if I spent the hour with Severus it would only grow worse. No, tonight had to be the night, and I need a bit of space to work up my courage. So instead I sat in my office with a cup of tea that went mostly untouched while I stared out of the window and tried to think of how to even bring up such a topic with him.

I had a double lesson for the afternoon, my seventh years would be spending the entire afternoon with me. They were my favorite class, mostly because they had several students from each house in their midst. All of my lessons were a combination of all the houses as there was not enough interest in muggle studies to merit having individual lessons for each house. However most of them were weighted in favor of one house or another, and only two of them had at least one students from each house in in them. My fourth years was the other that had representation from all the houses in it, and it was surprisingly populated mostly by Slytherin students.

Not having been a part of the war ending, I didn't know for sure why that particular group seemed to have been so heavily influenced, but something had changed that group of students. Something caused those Slytherins to start trying to see life differently and take muggle studies when even now their house was uncertain as to the merit of nonmagical people. It was nice to see, but it put a lot of pressure on me to show them that this was the right path.

Which was probably why I liked the seventh years more. The same interested, but without all the pressure. We had a long session together today, and we had been discussing a very interested point in muggle history, so today I decided to play a scholastic game with them that would hopefully help them better understand what the political climate had been at the time.

"I am going to dive you all in to groups of three for today's assignment," I explained from my spot standing next to my desk. "In each group one person will represent the Catholic Church, on with represent Martin Luther, and will represent the average European who was left with a decision to make."

I had twelve students total, so they easily split into four groups of three. It also provided a close to even division of the different houses in each group which always made me happy. I explained that the church representatives and those representing Martin Luther could have five minutes to review their notes and prepare their arguments before the debates would begin. I had the four students that would be making a decision one way or another wait in the hallway in case anyone spoke about their argument beforehand.

When the five minutes had passed I brought everyone back together in their groups and broke down how the debate should slow, and what kind of decision I wanted from the third party at the end. And then I left them to their own devices. I wanted the lesson to be informative, but I had to be careful about what I said once the debate got underway in order to avoid revealing my prejudice. I was raised Catholic so it was pretty easy to guess which side of the debate I would fall on, but I didn't want to reveal my position because it was likely to influence the students.

This lesson wasn't about making my students catholic, nor was it actually about making them Lutherans. This lesson also wasn't about making the students religious. This was about making them think, and trying to force them into understanding the kinds of problems muggles seemed to face repetitively throughout history. It was just an added bonus that the lesson had me thinking about the same things, instead of worrying about what would happen after dinner.

By the end of the lesson the votes were in, and I had to channel a rather reserved Severus in order not to appear satisfied that the vote had gone three to one in favor of the church. I dismissed the class with the instruction to read the next chapter in the muggle history book I had assigned them. Once they had all left the classroom, I took a deep breath and gathered myself to go down to dinner.

Conversation with Filius about the healthy debate I had structured between my students carried me through meal, though I did lean at a casual angle in my chair so that my shoulder was close to that of Severus. I left that last little bit of distance for him to breach should he choose to, and my heart thumped a bit quicker when I realized he had chosen to eat with his left hand so that every time he reached for another bite his arm would brush against mine. My nerves were as manageable as they were going to get tonight.

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><p>"Do you want milk and sugar?" I ask Severus who was standing near the fire place looking at my books while I made tea.<p>

"Milk sounds nice, no sugar please," he answered distractedly as he pulled a book out from the shelf for a closer look. "How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World?"

I looked at him, holding the teal book with a picture of a black dress and pearl necklace on it, and his brows raised in question. I imagine the book would seem a bit odd to him.

"I assume Hepburn refers to either Audrey or Katherine," he said as his eyes returned to the book cover. "But who is Hilton?"

"You don't want to know who Paris Hilton is, I assure you," I chuckled as I levitated our tea over to the coffee table. "That is a silly book my father bought me when I hit puberty. He apparently found himself worked up over the idea that I might somehow turn into a loose girl without the right encouragement."

"You?" Severus asked in clear amusement.

"The Grangers have always been known for needlessly worrying," I said quietly, and wondered if perhaps I had been doing just that lately. "But the ridiculousness of the notion aside, that is actually a pretty good book."

"I will take your word for it," he drawled as he slid the book back onto the shelf, and came over to take a seat on the couch.

Silence fell again as he took a seat and began to stir his tea and watch the fire. It was a comfortable silence, even if I was nervous, so I wasn't in much of a rush to break it. I picked up my own cup of tea and enjoyed the warmth nestled between my hands while I watched the striking profile Severus cut while looking into the fire. I loved this man, so why was I so nervous to talk to him about something that was directly related to that love.

"So I've been spending some time in the library," I started benignly, trying to remain calm when his head turned back from the fire to make eye contact with me.

"What is it that you've been researching?" he asked, looking genuinely interested and not at all suspicious about what I was bringing up.

"I've been researching what happens when we are intimate," I said in a surprisingly even voice.

I maintained eye contact, and my voice did not waver, but I felt a flush climbing into my face.

"What have you found?" he said in an equally even voice, but there was a glimmer in his eye that revealed how interested he was in my answer.

I watched his face closely as I explained everything I had read. I told him about my unsuccessful research avenues as well as the one that I thought was actually the case. He seemed receptive, and his face never took on the sneer like qualities that said he was completely dismissing what I was saying. I even told him about how I had been tempted to write to Molly because of the similarities I had noticed.

"So after logging quite a few hours in the library I've come to the conclusion that it's highly likely that the two of us are soul mates," I said in conclusion focusing intently on his eyes that were the most likely to betray any reaction at all.

He was quiet, and my nerves grew with each second that he didn't speak. His eyes were clear and open, and it was obvious that he was thinking I just had no idea which way his mind was going. Did he agree or disagree? Was he complacent or upset? I hated that he was so good at legilimency because it made him impossible to read and it was absolutely fraying my nerves.

"I think," he spoke finally. "Your theory sounds pretty solid."

I was stunned, unable to process that he seemed perfectly accepting of what I had just said.

"We won't have confirmation until…" he continued. "Well for a while. And that does explain the roaring in my ears through all of last year. Honestly I thought I had developed hypertension."

"You aren't upset about this being a possibility?" I asked hesitantly.

"What is there to be upset about?" he answered, a genuine smile breaking out on his face. "It answers questions that I had, rather neatly actually."

"I've been terrified to tell you that." I admitted in a gush of exhaled breathe. "So this is… I don't know… anticlimactic?"

"Well we could fight about it if you wish," he laughed. "But I suspect that would lead to the roaring again, and I am not in the mood for another headache."

"No I don't want a fight," I said with a smile of my own. "I just feel a bit idiotic now."

"Well, the Grangers have always been known for needlessly worrying," he repeated my earlier statement with a smirk.

"Oh you," I tutted at him before I finished off my tea. "Needless or not, I worked myself into a right state, and now I am completely shattered."

"We could go to bed," he offered lightly. "Why don't you go change for bed while I clean up the tea?"

I nodded and left him to it and went in search of a night gown making a point not to pout about wanting to wear his t-shirt again. I could hear him puttering around while I searched through my dresser for something that would look cute but wouldn't look like I was trying. I wanted Severus to think I looked nice, but I didn't want to seem like I was trying to initiate something when I really did just want to go to sleep.

I finally settled on a gown that was made of silk, but had a conservative length and didn't have any lace on it. I decided to leave my hair in its braid, but washed my face and brushed my teeth. By the time I walked back into the bedroom Severus was present and pulling down the bedding for us. I saw that he had removed hi boots and his robes and frock coat were draped lightly over the chair.

"I didn't have much opportunity to tell you the last time I was here, but I quite like what you've done with this room." He said as he unbuttoned the cuff of his white shirt. "I feel as if I am at a beach house rather than a castle, and I like that."

"Thank you," I smiled. "Though Molly is responsible. It was a going away gift."

"Well I still like it," he smiled, and it seemed to catch a bit when he finally turned around and saw me standing in the doorway from the bathroom.

I hoped that the momentary flicker of something in his eyes meant that I had picked right on the night gown. I walked over and took a seat on the edge of the bed, and allowed him room to slip into the bathroom to go through his own bedtime routine.

Eight was honestly a little early for bed, but I really was tired after the rollercoaster of emotions I had been on for the last few days. I only had to wait a few minutes before Severus came back, and I couldn't stop the flush in my cheeks when saw that he was now clad only in hi boxers. It made sense, he hadn't brought clothes, and I he couldn't really borrow on of my shirts. He probably could have transfigured something, but transfigured clothing was never very comfortable. And perhaps he was attempting to establish where exactly our comfort boundaries were now.

I found that while I was a little embarrassed to be seeing as much of his body as I ever had, but I didn't mind. I liked that he was comfortable enough to shed so many layers in front of me, and quite frankly I liked the sight of him. I smiled encouragingly and he slid into the bed with me. I snuggled in to his body, and he wrapped his arms around me as if we had been doing this for years.

I could smell lingering bits of his cologne mixed with toothpaste, and I could feel the heat of his body through my nightgown. It was soothing in a way that never thought it would be. I never would have thought I would be comfortable with a man in the same room with me, let alone in the same bed, and yet here I was.

And then he started humming gently to me and it was game over. Lights out. Bye-bye birdie. One minute I was wondering what song that was, and the next I was dead to the world. If Severus being in the bed with me had this effect my sleep pattern was about to get much better.


	37. All progress is precarious

_**Song for this chapter:**_ C_**alling You by Blue October**_

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

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><p>I could get used to waking up with Hermione's curls tickling my face, and her soft body pressed against mine. Last night was our first night sleeping through the night, and it made waking up well rested and entangled with such a beautiful woman that much more sweet. She looked so peaceful sleeping that I was hesitant to wake her. That created the interesting issue of trying to wriggle my way out of bed to use the facilities without actually waking her.<p>

I slid my free hand under her head to support her as I slid my arm out from underneath. I tried to ignore the pins and needles that immediately erupted in my arm as I slid the pillow under her head and then lay very still waiting to see if she would wake up. She sniffed a bit, but didn't jerk awake like she would have done not so long ago. I gave it another second, but her breathing regulated once more and I was fairly certain she wasn't going to wake up.

I slid out of the bed and made my way into the bathroom. I was still amused by the little bit of magic Hermione had worked on her bathtub. It appeared to be a basic bathtub, and a nearly undetectable shielding charm had been placed around it to allow one to shower without spilling water out onto the floor. It was convenient when living along, but it left me wary of showering, should she wander into the bathroom and catch a view of me that I did not think she was prepared to see just yet. I settled for using the loo and taking what would essentially constitute a sponge bath at the sink before going to retrieve my clothes.

I was surprised to find Hermione sitting up in bed with a note clutched in her hand looking like she was on the verge of tears. I approached the bed cautiously not wanting to startle her in such a distracted state. She looked up when I stopped at the edge of the mattress, and I could see the tears welling up in her tired eyes, but when her eyes locked with mine she began to school her emotions and the build up quickly ended.

"What has happened?" I asked pretending not to notice her wiping away the tears that had already formed.

"It's nothing too awful, I just always seem to end up in tears when I get a letter from Hagrid that has been smudge nearly beyond recognition with his own tears," she sighed tossing the note down and revealing that the note was indeed nearly impossible to read. "Fang passed away, and he wants me to come to the funeral he is having for him tonight."

"Do you want me to come with you?" I asked her gently, though the idea of watching Hagrid sob over his massively oversized puppy didn't sound remotely appealing I would do it for her.

"You don't really get on well with Hagrid do you?" she asked hesitantly.

"Not particularly," I admitted. "But I wouldn't be going for Hagrid."

"That's sweet of you, but you would be miserable," she said with a light laugh that washed away what was left of her sadness. "Besides I think he might be embarrassed for you to see him crying."

"Very well," I agreed. "It looks like most of your evening is spoken for now, but would you care to join me in my chambers after you've finished?"

"Only if I get to wear your shirt again," she beamed before sliding out of bed and starting to make her way toward the bathroom.

I wondered if she knew just how appealing the sway of her hips was when it was accentuated by a silk gown, but I shook those thoughts from my head as quickly as I could. Unfortunately my mind jumped directly to how appealing she looked in my shirt. She could have it if she promised to wear it frequently. The sight of her legs exposed like that…. Well that was not something I should be thinking about if I was going to get dressed and start my day.

I cast a freshening charm on my clothes, it would do for another day of wearing them, and I began to dress for the day. I heard the shower turn on and got confirmation that Hermione was also fond of morning showers. This lead to the need to force my mind not to think about the benefits of such a compatible inclination. My mind certainly had a specific location this morning.

"I'm going to make my way down to breakfast while it's still early enough to avoid students noticing me leaving your chambers," I called through the door. "I've got quite a busy day ahead of me, so I suppose I shall not see you until tonight."

"Okay," she called, sounding down but determined to be cheery. "I'll see you tonight."

I would have preferred to simply climb in the shower with her, but today I had one lesson before I had to head off for a day full of speaking with the school governors about taking over the position of deputy headmaster and all that entailed. I would be out of the castle for most of the days, and thus I would not get the chance to see Hermione at meals.

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><p>I had forgotten when giving in to Minerva's request how boring and tedious such diplomatic matters at the castle could be. Besides, if I had realized that the day would turn into an investigation of where I had been for five years instead of in my teaching post I would have refused to go on principle alone. If they were ever to ask such questions of Hermione I was flay them alive. Now work on seven years since that night, at age twenty-two, she finally seemed to have found some happiness in her life and I was not going to let some nosy school officials ruin it for her in the way they had attempted to ruin it for me.<p>

My position was well established, and came with an increase in pay that soothed the small part of my ego that still rankled at the realization that I had no hope of every being as monetarily successful as my lover. Mostly I was adult, and mature, and it didn't bother me. But there was a little tiny piece of me that wanted to be the protector and the provider. She just didn't need that from me. Well the money part, I think she found value in my protective instincts still.

I noticed over the week that had passed since my very trying political day that my presence in bed with her had not elicited another nightmare. In fact she seemed soothed by it, settling almost instantly when I wrapped my arms around her or ran my fingers through her hair. Yes, she still allowed me to play the role of protective lover, even if perhaps she didn't actually need it.

I hardly had any focus to spare for my students when I found myself so wrapped up in Hermione. I realized I was living for the Easter break and rather wanting nothing to do with my students at the moment. It wasn't like before where I seemed to hate them with every fiber of my being. Instead I was just so caught up in this thing that was new, and exciting, and all consuming, that I found them to be a bit of a bore. I desired nothing more than to skip straight to summer and have several uninterrupted months to get further acquainted with the woman I hadn't dared to even dream of before having to deal something as mundane as teaching again.

No such luck however. My students seemed to have found some issue with my lack of attention, and seemed to be seeking rectification by landing themselves in detention as often as possible for absolutely ridiculous behavior. I balanced on a knife's edge, teetering on the brink of turning into a right bastard one more with each idiotic move. Never before had I had so many students trying to pass note, and being openly defiant, and generally not following the rules. Not since Harry Potter had graced my classroom with his absolutely obnoxious presence.

I managed to keep my temper in check despite their childish behavior until early April when a student who could rival Neville in his incompetence nearly killed us all. I had set my fourth years to brewing the antidote to uncommon poisons, and thinking that fire seeds being the most dangerous ingredient left little room for actual risk was my biggest mistake. The seeds they were using would have to be added in amounts larger than they could ever hope to possess, so I assumed there was little risk in the day's lesson.

I had forgotten that Michael Finnegan had his brother's natural talent for accidental pyrotechnics. I was making my rounds through the classroom, glancing into potions, when he picked up a vial of powder to add to his potion. It was sheer luck that I noticed the distinctive blue hue of powdered erumpent horn from the ten foot distance I stood at. I didn't catch it in time to stop him from adding the wrong ingredient, but I did catch it in time to cast a hasty freezing charm on the potion before the true damage potential could be realized.

Even that hadn't been entirely quick enough, a plume of flame had still erupted almost immediately from the potion, and now stood frozen in the air between the boy and myself. There was a beat of silence broken only by the sound of the boys terrified breathing before I lost control of my temper.

"Finnegan, please explain your choice to attempt murder on the entire class today," I snapped at him as I closed the distance between us so quickly he reeled instinctively away from me.

"I-I didn't," he stammered.

"Sure you had a reason for adding erumpent horn to a cauldron already brimming with fire seeds," I scathed. "Surely it wasn't an accident that you created an explosion that would have obliterated this room had I not frozen it in time."

"I was just following the instructions," the boy moaned, beginning to shake in his terror.

"Look at the board again," I snapped, barely resisting the urge to slam my hand down on the table, which would have disturbed the freezing charm on his potion. "Were you to add powdered erumpent horn, or were you perhaps to add powdered graphorn horn?"

The boy squinted his eyes as he read the board, and then all the color drained from his face. I watched him closely realizing that he truly thought he had read correctly. He was most definitely in need of glasses.

"Mr. Finnegan, did you just risk the life of everyone in this room because you have not sought a remedy for you obviously failing eye sight?" I struck him with my words. "Are you vain, or simply and imbecile?"

"I'm sorry professor, I hadn't realized it had gotten so bad," the boy quaked before me, and for a moment I thought he might vomit on the floor.

"See Madam Pomfrey for a remedy immediately, and you will be serving a detention with Mr. Filch this evening" I snapped at him. "The rest of you put a stasis on your potions to save them until next lesson and then quickly vacate the premises. I have a ticking time bomb to deal with at the moment."

I almost laughed at the confused looks of many of the students leaving my room rather quickly. Of course only muggleborns would have understood what a time bomb was, wizards had no used for them when them when they could easily cast a confringo.

When the last student had left, I wandlessly closed the classroom door and went to stand behind my desk. The next spell should hold, but on the off chance that it didn't, I intended to take cover under the behemoth wooden structure in an effort not to be killed. I conjured a thick shield that wrapped around the cauldron as well as the tall plume of flame that stretched nearly to the ceiling. When I was certain that it wrapped neatly around what would be the blast zone, I released the freezing charm on the pending disaster.

The classroom shook with the blast, but it remained contained within the bubble I had created. Lucky it had, or the fragments that had once been a cauldron would have been shot around the classroom like shrapnel. The room smelled of smoke and burnt pewter, but at least the damage had been minimal. I vanished the mess, and left the classroom. I would deal with potions waiting in stasis after a bite of lunch and a quick conversation with the headmistress about perhaps requiring eye exams for the students at the beginning of each year.

Instead upon my arrival in the great hall my mind wandered to an entirely different worry that had been plaguing me recently. I saw Hermione sitting quietly at the head table, and I began to worry once more about if I should be worried. It seemed idiotic, and I imagined Hermione would tell me just that if she knew, but I wasn't certain if I should be worried about this whole soul mate business. Should I be worried about how easily I seemed able to accept it as truth? Or should I perhaps be worried about the fact that I seemed fine in accepting that she and I were in fact soul mates, but yet still seemed unable to say three simple words aloud to her?

I schooled my features to their usual blank and expressionless facade and pushed my worries from my mind. They were silly. It was fine. I was fine with what I believed to be the fact that we were soul mates. And I knew that I loved her. She knew it too, even if I hadn't been able to say it to her yet. I stamped down my guilt at not having said it yet, and joined Hermione for lunch.

"I've got to run into London for a quick errand tomorrow," she told me conversationally as she poured me a glass of pumpkin juice. "Do you need me to pick anything up for you?"

"A few of my books have come in at Flourish and Blotts if you wish to pick them up before they go to the trouble of sending me a reminder owl." I said lightly and I fought the urge to kiss her right here in front of the students.

It was silly sometimes, the things she did that I found so endearing. With one action and a simple sentence she had both mothered me and treated me like her equal. Not to mention casually bringing up a trip into wizarding London in an effortless display of how well she had come around to being the woman she had run from being for many years. It was moments like these, were the fear of saying those words to her grew quite small. If we hadn't been sitting in the great hall, surrounded by many ears, I might have told her right now.

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><p>Around mid-afternoon, my books arrived in my chambers, but Hermione did not. Dobby gave me a funny little smile as he deposited them on my counter before disappearing with a crack. He was much nicer to be around than he had been when he worked for the Malfoy family, but I still didn't much like him. It didn't help at all that I had been looking forward to Hermione's arrival with the books.<p>

That feeling was what had me wandering out of my chambers in search of where she had gotten off too. If she had sent the books in with a house elf, it was likely she hadn't actually made it inside the castle yet. Perhaps she was enjoying the lake while the sun was still shining? I left the books where they lay and went in search of my witch.

Her musical laugh floated to my ears the moment I stepped outside of the castle. It was faint, so I knew she was quite a ways down the lawn, but she was definitely out here. I began to walked briskly down the sloping lawn listening to her laughter as I drew closer.

"No I said roll over," she laughed causing my brow to raise in confusion. "Come one you can do it. Just roll over."

I crested the last slope of the lawn and my confusion was washed away when I saw that Hermione was sitting in the grass near Hagrid's hut talking to a rather large fluffy puppy. That made much more sense now that I saw what she was laughing about and who she was talking to. It made my face twitch into a smile without my conscious decision to do so.

So that's what her mission to London had been about. A new pet would be exactly what Hagrid needed to move on from the loss of his boar hound. I wondered what breed of dog she had gotten for him, but I was distracted from that thought when she sprawled out in the grass and allowed the puppy to climb on top of her. I doubted she was aware that her position had caused the bell leg of her capris to ride up to her thighs and reveal most of her legs in a rather attractive way.

She would probably be embarrassed if she realized anyone was staring at her legs from twenty feet away while she lay in the grass playing with a puppy, but she was so distracted by the puppy that she had absolutely no idea that it was even happening. She looked happy, and carefree, and absolutely perfect. The air filled with her laughter once again when the puppy began to lick her face and gruff at her in a way that only puppies could.

I was hit suddenly with the realization that I need to tell her what I felt. In fact I wanted to tell her right now, when she looked so happy and full of vitality, I quickly scanned the area, noting that Hagrid was working in his garden, but did not seem to be paying us any attention. This particular moment might not be particularly romantic, but it felt right.

"Unhand my woman you mongrel?" I said with mock gruffness as I scooped the puppy off of her and set it in the grass.

"Jealous?" she asked with a smile as I pulled her up off of the ground and into my arms.

"No I just have something to tell you," I chuckled. "I suppose I might have been a bit impatient."

"What is it?" she asked me, her face sobering slightly in a way that told me she was trying to guess what it was before I said it.

"I love you," I told her in a steady if not perhaps a little too loud voice.

Her face was candescent as the realization of what I said dawned on her. A huge smile broke out on her face and then she threw herself at me. I caught her eagerly, surprised when she wrapped her arms my neck and her legs around my waist. She stole my breath with her hasty kisses, and even without speaking I knew she was immensely pleased with my finally having said it out loud.

She started pulling the neck of my frock coat open in an effort to trail kisses down my neck, and I realized that we were about to get quiet carried away right out in the open, in plain view of Hagrid's garden I was debating if I wanted to stop this little bit of exhibitionism when the bloody puppy began to yip at my feet, pleading for our attention. Hermione let loose another peal of laughter as she released her lips from my throat and panted out her breath.

"I love you Severus," she breathed as she released her legs from around my waist and lowered her feet to the ground. "Let's take Saber here over to Hagrid and perhaps go back to your chambers."

It had been a civil sentence on the surface, but the heady sound of her voice wasn't civil at all, and went straight to my loins though I manage to keep my face passive.

"Saber?" I asked her incredulously as she scooped the little mutt up from the grass.

"Hey, I didn't name him," she laughed before tromping happily over to release the puppy into the pumpkin patch. "Bye Hagrid."

"Bye 'Ermione," the half giant beamed, and I grew suspicious of the slight tint of red I could see in his cheeks.

Had he been listening? Or worse, had he been watching? I tried not to think of it as Hermione practically skipped back to me and slid deftly under my arm and began pulling me along with her back toward the castle. The students had already begun their Easter break, so I was less worried about being spotted in such a display of affection with her.

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><p>I thought instead of the snog I was quite sure I had coming my way once we were in my chambers, though admittedly the idea of playing the role of a student and sneaking behind a bush to snog her right this moment. We had already played our part at exhibitionism for the day however, so I instead swept her more quickly down into the dungeons.<p>

I had barely gotten her inside my sitting room before she began tugging at the buttons on my frock coat. I could practically taste her lust rising up to meet mine, and I did nothing to stop her from her attempts to disrobe me. I deftly shucked her outer robes, but left everything else exactly where it rested in an effort not to overwhelm her. I could already feel her love, and her lust, not to mention her excitement. I wondered if she felt my response of lust, love, hunger, and borderline desperate need.

I threw my coat unceremoniously to the floor when she had freed the last button. To my surprise she grabbed a fist full of my white button down and dragged me forward as she backed into the bedroom. I could get used to her aggressiveness. I tasted the emotions hovering within her as I lowered her on to my bed, but I could not feel any fear from her, so I joined her there. I settled my body between her knees as I began to kiss a trail down her throat, and I was rewarded by the very first husky moan I had ever heard issue from her pert lips.

I could not be held responsible for my actions when she made that sound. The lust burned through me, and without much thought about it I grasped the bottom of her blouse and pulled it up and over her head. I should have known when I saw her silk nightgowns at night that she was going to have attractive undergarments, but my mouth actually watered at the sight of her red lacy bra. My arousal spiked when I imagined a matching set of knickers.

She mewled when I closed my hands over her breast, and her back arched up off the bed to silently ask for more contact. I had no problem obliging, and if I was reading the arousal that was rolling off of her correctly, she didn't have a problem with it either. I felt nearly drunk off of the feeling of it all, and again I didn't give it much thought before I pulled the lacy cup down, spilling her creamy white breast out before me, and leaned down to suckle her hardened nipple into my mouth.

Her emotions hit me in a rush then. There was a spike of arousal before shock radiated through her. Then I lashing against my own feelings I felt her anxiety rise up and begin to chip away at her arousal. I let go of her with my mouth and my hands instantly.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed at me, burying her face in her hands as she flipped over to hide her exposed chest against the mattress.

"It's okay," I assured her as evenly as I could through my still labored breathing. "I got carried away."

"So did I," she moaned into the mattress.

"It's okay," I said again. "It's just fine if we stop right here. I am going to go use the loo if you wish to put your shirt back on."

I didn't actually have to go to the bathroom, but I did want a moment to privately gloat about getting as far as we had before it had fallen apart. She was probably going to need comforting when I returned, but for a moment I just wanted to be proud of how well we were progressing in our physical relationship. In a moment I would hold her, and calm her until she most likely fell asleep as she often did when emotional overwhelmed like this, but for now I wanted just a second to enjoy the rather straining erection she had elicited in me.


	38. We've all changed haven't we

_**Song for this chapter: Flying and Flocking by Zoe Keating**_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

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><p>Severus and I woke rather early the next morning, which made sense considering how early we had fallen to sleep. I felt as if perhaps this morning I should be embarrassed for what happened the night before, but I was surprisingly calm. Somehow my small moment of being overwhelmed by physical affection, paled in the face of Severus finally telling me he loved me. I could and most likely would repeat that memory in my mind for years to come, and it would never grow old.<p>

I wanted to savor every detail. I wanted to hold on to how my robes had still felt damp from the grass, and I could still smell that puppy scent on my shirt, and the warmth of his hands as he grasped my arms to pull me against his body. I wanted to remember how his cologne had danced in the air between us, and his deep baritone voice had seemed to vibrate from somewhere deep within him as he spoke. I would never allow myself to forget the black fire that burned in his eyes when he let go of his shields let me see into his soul while he said those words I had needed to hear so badly.

I wanted to remember it all, and because of that, remembering to be embarrassed about losing my calm over hitting second base hardly seemed to matter. And with that thought I couldn't stop a little chortle from breaking loose. What would Severus say if he heard me referring to what had happened between us last night as something as distinctly un-sexual as a piece of baseball equipment?

"What are you laughing at?" he asked in a still slightly groggy voice as he rolled over in bed and pulled me into his chest.

"Baseball," I chuckled into his chest before I snuggled deeper into his embrace.

"You are strange," he chuckled, his voice still husky with sleep. "I know you're planning to go to the Burrow for Easter; would you like me to drop you by on my way in to London?"

"You're going to London?" I asked him, instantly curious about his plans.

"Yes, I have some shopping to see to," he said, his voice finally reaching fully awake, and slightly hypnotic tones. "You have no answered the question however."

"Oh sure, I'd love for you to drop me off," I agreed dismissively. "What are you shopping for?"

"It's hardly interesting," he said lightly, his eyes dancing with humor at my insistence. "I am running low on a few essential potion ingredients and need to partially restock in order to finish out the year."

"Students nicking them from you again?" I asked him with a mischievous grin as I sat up and at least considered getting out of bed however briefly.

"Something like that," he sighed in a way that seemed to say he was bored. "I am going to grab a shower, that should give you plenty of opportunity to pack."

What had gotten in to him? He seemed stern again, and lord help me I was tempted t kiss him heartily just to see if I could get a feel for what exactly what was going on in his head at the moment. Somehow I didn't think that would go over well during his display of indirectly unfriendly mood. Maybe he was upset that I was going to spend Easter with someone else?

I could think of a few creative ways to try to make it up to him. I began to day dream about how to cheer him up upon my return as I scurried off to my chambers to throw together a bag for my stay with my surrogate parents. Many of my ideas had me blushing, or made me nervous, but I thought they might actually work in turning his mood around. Assuming I had read the mood right at all.

* * *

><p>Roughly an hour later, I found myself standing alone at the gate leading in to the Burrow. Severus had just left me and continued on his shopping trip, and I was standing here waiting to forget how unpleasant my last trip here had been. Right now, when I went inside, it would only be Molly here. I kept telling myself that as I opened the gate and began walking toward the door. If it was just Molly I didn't have to fear another rebuke, and thus hovering out in the garden was idiotic.<p>

I decided not to act the part of an idiot any longer, and let myself in through the back door. It wasn't a surprise at all to find Molly standing in the kitchen peeling potatoes, though the fact that she was doing it by hand was certainly different. It wasn't even a surprise that when she looked up at me her face seemed to light up, because Molly always seemed excited to see me. The surprise was what came out of her mouth.

"You absolutely have to tell me the story of Severus Snape declaring his love for you!" she demanded as she tossed the potatoes into the sink and turned all of her attention on me.

"What?" I gasped, floored that she could possibly know about that.

"I want to hear the story," she encouraged her face growing even happier, if that were even possible. "All I've heard is a clipped boring version, and I want the details."

"How could you possibly have heard anything?" I whispered, sinking down into the nearest chair as I tried to process how such a private moment had suddenly become public.

"Well apparently Hagrid saw it, and he told Minerva, and she obviously told me," Molly said with a dismissive wave of the hand. "I want to know the actual story though."

"If I tell you, do you promise to keep it to yourself?" I asked pointedly. "Other than Arthur of course. I wouldn't ask you to keep anything from him."

"I promise," she said quietly. "Though I must say Ginny would be changing her tune if she knew that the man was actually in love with you."

"Molly," I scoffed. "It's new and exciting, but it's also private. I don't want to share it with Ginny."

"I remember a time when you two girls shared everything." She said wistfully.

"I remember a time when my parents were alive and I was still innocent," I said stiffly. "Things change. That's just how life works."

There was a moment of tense silence between us, but then I released the stiffness in my shoulders. With the loosening of my frame the tension leaked out of the room, and the excited curiosity returned to her eyes. I smiled, and I told her about what had happened yesterday. I probably should have been embarrassed by how soppy I sounded while telling the story, but I really did like the story. I felt all gooey and ridiculously girly and just completely in love just thinking about it, and telling the story only doubled those feelings.

"Now you look like you might cry already, but I have one other thing to say," I said as I wrapped up the story. "I think that Severus and I are soul mates."

She looked at me long and hard, clearly thinking. I waited for her to decide what she was going to say about all of it.

"Have the two of you uh… coupled?" she asked when she found her voice.

"No," I snapped before reigning in my reaction to such an intimate question. "If we had I would probably be a little more sure about if we are or aren't."

"Do you feel each other's emotions when you're intimate?" she asked starting to look less like a mother, and more like a scientist investigating a theory.

"Yes," I admitted, my skin flushing at the memory of different examples.

Molly nodded her head, deep in thought. I watched her closely, but she didn't seem to be disregarding my theory like I thought she would. She seemed to be seriously considering it as a possibility. Her questions also suggested that she had intimate knowledge of what a soul mate bond meant, so I felt confident in my assumption that she and Arthur were in fact bonded in such a manner.

"You remember when he was attacked," she began carefully, seeming to worry about how I would react to her bringing it up. "Did you sense it at all? Could you feel that he was in trouble?"

"I felt off," I answered honestly. "But I'm not sure I would have known it had anything to do with him if it hadn't been for the tracking spell. I was drawn to him, because I could see where he was."

"Well, only time will tell," she said after a long period of deliberation. "But it sounds like the beginning of my relationship with Arthur."

"If you don't mind me asking, what did you feel, during fifth year, when Arthur was bitten by the snake?" I asked her softly.

There was a long pause while she seemed to search for the right words.

"It's hard to put into words." She said after a long time. "I had just fallen asleep, I drifted off in the living room chair while I was waiting for him to come home. Then I jerked awake, and for a moment I thought I was having a heart attack. My chest was… heavy, and then the panic set in and it was like I could hear Arthur calling out for me. It was not something I ever want to experience again."

I nodded, processing what she said, and thinking back to that day when I had felt the tingling in my chest that drew me to Severus. If I focused really hard I could remember feeling a weight under the tingling, but I couldn't be sure that I had really felt it. I could be imposing the feeling to prove my own theory. Wish fulfillment was a powerful thing after all.

"Do you ever get annoyed," I asked finally, deciding to think about something other than that awful day. "Having your emotions stop being your own?"

"Only occasionally," she said with a rueful smile. "Honestly, only when I'm angry. I don't particularly feel like sharing when I am angry. With other emotions, its actually kind of nice to have someone to share the weight."

"And feeling his?" I pushed her.

"There has never been anything about Arthur that I have found to be obtrusive," she said softly. "And he is hardly ever angry, which makes it easier to share his emotions."

"When would one feel anger while being intimate?" I asked, and then realized perhaps too late that it wasn't any of my business.

"It's different after the bond is made more formal," she laughed. "I always have a vague sense of his emotions, and if I focus on him I can feel him within my mine, so I know what he is feeling, almost always."

It worried me a bit that I liked the sound of that. I liked how it made it sound as if you could never be lonely. Merlin help me I wanted that.

"Can you ever read his thoughts?" I asked her.

"I've never really been able to," she admitted. "But he seems to be able to with me sometimes. I think it has more to do with how a person's mind works. Emotions have always been more important to me than thoughts."

"Do you think you'd be married if you weren't soul mates?" I asked her quietly.

"Well considering that we didn't find out we were soul mates until after we had married, I would have to say yes," she chuckled. "Arthur has been my one and only love. I had no reason to question the things I felt when we snogged, and then when we were married it was a happy surprise to discover how perfectly matched we were."

"That sounds like a romantic movie," I smiled, enjoying the mental picture I created of the two of them falling in love.

"I would like to see a movie someday," she smiled. "I don't think it would take much convincing to get Arthur to take me to one of those muggle cinemas."

"I'm surprised he hasn't taken you to one yet," I mused. "You will only speak to him about everything we talked about today right?"

"I promise to keep this confidential Hermione," she said softly. "Now go put your things away. The other's won't be here until tomorrow, but I could use some help making the potato bread that Harry and Ginny love so much."

Any other night I would surely have slept like the dead after kneading bread loaves for hours, but I had grown more accustomed to sharing a bed with Severus than I was willing to admit. After more than a month with him next to me in the bed my body seemed unable to fall asleep without his comforting weight beside me. I was exhausted, and yet I lay staring at the ceiling until the early morning hours waiting for sleep to find me. I hoped that he at least got a bit more sleep than I had.

Molly mercifully let me sleep through breakfast, and I tried not to let it bother me that such an action made it rather certain that she knew I had been up most the night. She and Arthur had a quiet breakfast together, and presumably spent the morning enjoying one another's company before she came to wake me at eleven.

By the time I finished a small lunch meant to hold me over until our big Easter dinner, the others were beginning to arrive. Harry and Ginny arrived first, and I felt much better about following Molly's instruction to dress nicely when I saw that Ginny was in a frilly dress as well. None of the Weasley's were particularly religious, but apparently one of the rules for Easter dinner was that everyone was to dress semi formally.

Until Ginny arrived in the kitchen in black and gray dress adorned with little gauzy flowers, I had felt rather stupid in my pink tulle dress with a big black ribbon. It was pretty, but it also made me feel like a child. I imagined that Severus would laugh at me if he saw it. But as long as Ginny looked ridiculous as well I felt better.

However I noticed something interesting about the way the dress hung on Ginny almost the second she walked in the kitchen. It would be impolite to say anything, in case it wasn't what I thought it was, but Mrs. Potter looked to be just a wee bit pregnant. I made a point not to look at her stomach anymore, and it became easy to distract myself when Ron and Lavender arrived with their little bundle of joy.

"Oh let me hold little Hugo," Ginny whined the second they entered the kitchen. "I've been itching to hold a baby for days now."

"My hormones did the same thing to me," Lavender laughed as she easily handed her son over to Ginny. "I was an absolute terror when Ron tried to take me out in public and we ran into other mothers."

"That urge passes in the third trimester," Molly chuckled from her position at the stove.

"So you are pregnant then?" I blurted out before I could stop myself.

"Oh yes," Ginny laughed. "I forgot that you left before we told everyone at Christmas. I'm about six months gone now."

"A baby," I mused, undecided on if I was happy for her or jealous of her.

Was I even ready for kids? Surely I would want to be married before having kids. Was I ready for marriage? Or was a I just self-centered, I mean I should be thinking about Ginny right now shouldn't I?

"Yes a baby," Harry beamed as he wrapped his arms possessively around Ginny. "A little bouncing baby boy."

"Copycat," Ron coughed from behind Lavender.

"Oh hush you," she laughed as she leaned into her husband's shoulder.

There was a lot of love in this kitchen, and it was making me miss Severus. I tried to stifle the pang of sadness I felt and focused my attention back on the baby. Hugo seemed to quite like Ginny, and was trying to devour her hair.

"Do you want to hold him?" Ginny asked me with a smile, and I realized that yes I did want to hold that baby.

"Yes," I sighed contentedly.

Ginny seemed perfectly happy to hand over the baby, apparently her baby craving had been satiated for the moment. I help out my arms, a bit awkwardly, and she slide little Hugo into them. I no longer felt awkward when the gentle weight of the little boy settled against me. I leaned down to sniff him, instinctively drawn to the powdery perfect smell of baby.

I found myself humming and gently rocking Hugo as I tuned out everyone else in the kitchen. Hugo was only partially awake, but I could see that he had his father's blue eyes, but he had his mother's button nose. It was hard to tell with the peach fuzz if his hair would end up red like Ron's or dirty blonde like Lavender's.

"Have you and Severus talked about children?" Ginny asked, pulling my attention away from the perfect bundle of joy in my arms.

"I hardly think that would be appropriate at this stage in our relationship?" I said stiffly, fighting a blush at the thought of a certain conversation held at the lake side not so long ago.

"What is the stage?" she pushed, clearly just as nosy as she had always been.

"Things are going nicely, and Severus treats me well," I answered with a ton of certainty before forcefully changing the subject. "How has work taken the news that you are pregnant?"

"I'll be stuck helping the trainer for the duration of my pregnancy," Ginny said lightly. "But after maternity leave they say I am more than welcome to return to my chaser position."

"I still can't believe you play for the Holyhead Harpies," I chuckled as I somewhat reluctantly handed Hugo back to his mother. "If I were going to pick someone to end up as a professional quidditch player I would have picked Harry for sure."

"The war changed things I guess,' Harry shrugged."I stopped seeing quidditch as my main priority."

"Well from what I hear you make a great aurors, so it was probably for the best." I mused.

"I'll just be lucky to get out from the shadow of the great Ronald Weasley," he chuckled. "Apparently the man has developed a new program for cooperating with muggle law enforcement that puts the rest of the department to shame."

"Really?" I asked looking to Ron for the answer.

"Always the tone of surprise," he laughed heartily. "Every time Harry brings that up, everyone is surprised. I just don't get it."

"Well you never much seemed interested in muggles Ron," Arthur said as he joined the rest of us in the now rather crowded kitchen. "You don't even like spark plugs, so we are all a bit surprised yes."

The boys began debating the opinions of ministry workers so I opted to follow Ginny in to the living room while Lavender went to change Hugo. It wasn't until I was sitting in the living room while Ginny paced about that I realized I felt a bit awkward around her.

"I wanted to apologize for last time you were here," she said as she absently rubbed her lower back. "I was out of line, and I feel bad for how much I upset you with the things that I said."

"It's water under the bridge," I said quickly. "Well mostly. I suppose my hackles raise up a bit when you mention Severus."

"I promise I won't be disrespectful about him again," she assured me with a light smile. "He clearly makes you happy, and that's what I want for you."

"He does make me very happy," I told her with a smile. "Though I doubt things will ever be like they are with you and Harry. I don't see him making an appearance here for any holiday meals."

"No I suppose he doesn't like us much," Ginny said without any judgment in her voice.

"It's not that," I chuckled. "Severus just isn't the most social. Frankly I am not much of a socialite anymore."

"It is still hard for me to wrap my mind around how much all of us have changed," she sighed and took a seat. "It's just weird. I mean here we are all dressed up to have a holiday dinner at the Burrow like old times, but things aren't like old times. I'm married, and Ron's married, and you're a teacher and dating another teacher. Ron is even a dad. Everything is different now."

"Yeah, I suppose it is," I agreed lightly. "But I like how things are. Even if I do feel ridiculous in this dress."

"Well it's pretty," she shrugged. "But I don't remember you ever looking less than pretty in a dress."

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><p>Things weren't ever going to be like they had been between Ginny and I, but they were getting better. We enjoyed comfortable chit chat with one another for a good chunk of the afternoon before we joined the rest of the family for Easter dinner. Of course dinner was delicious, nothing that came out of Molly's kitchen was ever anything less. The conversation was good, and the wine was flowing. By the time the meal ended I had a rather healthy glow going, and was feeling loose enough in the joints that I opted to floo back to Hogsmeade rather than risk splinching myself to apparate.<p>

Molly suggested that I simply spend the night and sleep it off, but I didn't want to spend another night without Severus. So even though it had grown late in the evening, I climbed drunkenly into the fireplace, and sent myself whirling off to the Hogs head as it was the only place that was likely to still be open.

The journey to the castle seemed much longer when I had to focus so heavily on where I was placing my feet. I manage to make it all the way to the gates before the first time that I tripped, and when I tripped at the gate I managed to stay on my feet and avoid skinned knees. So overall the walk was a success up to that point. The lawns of Hogwarts stole my success from me, and though I refrained from skinning my knees, by the time I entered the castle I had grass stains on my knees and my palms. It was for the best that the students we either gone or otherwise occupied, because I did not look very respectable with my overnight bag hanging haphazardly off on my shoulder, and my dress tangling up in my legs as I stumbled drunkenly toward the dungeons.

I was glad for the fact that Severus had altered his wards to recognize me, because at this moment I was too tired and perhaps too drunk to manage to lower the wards myself. It was enough of a struggle to remember that the password was veritas liberavit. Honestly I could hardly pronounce that while sober, let alone while a wee bit sloppy.

Somehow I managed it and even though it was late, I had thought I would find Severus in the sitting room. All the lamps were out however, and his chambers were quiet. Either he wasn't in, or he was already asleep. I decided to sneak into the bedroom, so I would not wake him if he were sleeping. And thought I couldn't navigate the sloping lawn of the school without falling, I did manage to make it to his bedroom door without knocking into anything and waking the dead.

The door creaked a bit when I pushed it open, but when I caught sight of Severus in the bed, it looked like he had managed to sleep through the sound. His sleep however did not seem to be peaceful. The light that was immited from the center of the lake was dim, but I could see that his legs were twitching a bit beneath the blankets and his forehead was glistening with sweat. I drew closer, and I heard that he was whimpering very quietly in his sleep, and his eyes were tracking rapidly. A bad dream then, very bad by the look of it.

I decided to slip into the bed, and try to comfort him. It seemed like a perfectly good idea, until I had placed my knee on the edge of the bed and he jerked awake. For a second I had forgotten that Severus had lived on the razor thin edge as a spy for many years, and that certain tendencies didn't just go away. That point was made vividly clear when I felt his wand pressed against my throat and his hand latched in my hair.

"I'm sorry," he gasped when he realized who I was and released me immediately.

"I'm sorry," I shuddered, honestly feeling bad for startling him, but absolutely terrified of how close I had come to being attacked.

"I wasn't expecting you," he admitted as he flopped back on the bed, stowing his wand away so I wouldn't have to look at it. "When it got late and you weren't home, I assumed you were staying until tomorrow. I was… startled."

"I made a poor choice when I saw you having a nightmare," I breathed out shakily as I took a seat on the foot of the bed. "I'm to dunk to remember what my thought process was."

"Come here," he chuckled sitting up and reaching for me. "You are drunk aren't you?"

He seemed to be sniff me for confirmation, and his following chuckled suggested that he had gotten confirmation to my drunkenness. I allowed him to pull me to him, and didn't even bother with the fact that I still had my headband in and my dress on. I snuggled up against him in the bed, and he pulled me tightly against his chest. He was holding me more tightly than he usually did, but I assumed that had something to do with the nightmare. I hummed tunelessly to him until I heard his breathing even out to the sounds of sleep once more. It was much easier to fall asleep when I was warm, and weighted down by his arms.


	39. Feel the rain on your skin

_**Song for this chapter: First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes**_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

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><p>Eventually classes had to start up once more, and while that meant I couldn't sleep in and snuggle up with Severus, it did mean that I had lessons to plan for. And I was rather excited to plan them with Severus. In fact with a bit of a pout I had managed to wrangle him as a chaperon for the long awaited movie night with my sixth and seventh year students at the cottage down in Hogsmeade.<p>

The thought of our little 'work date' was one of the only things that kept me distracted from my annoyance at the idiocy of the student body. Apparently when Hagrid had seen fit to tell Minerva about a private moment that he witnessed, he had done so in the great hall in front of quite a few students. Those students in turn had seen fit to spread rumors about what they had heard. So now it seemed not only had Severus declared his love for me, but I was apparently pregnant with triplets, and we had been married for more than a year.

It was laughable, but it was also extremely irritating. I tried to be a good sport about it, but Severus was absolutely livid and a bit unpleasant to be around if there were students in the vicinity. I tried to keep him focused on the upcoming date as well, because his mood did seem to lighten a bit when he was thinking about the date rather than wanting to string fourth years up by their ankles.

I did a much better job about keeping my cool until the afternoon that Amelia hung back after class to ask me about the rumors. She did so while looking at the floor, clearly embarrassed to be requesting such personal information from a professor, and while I was nice to her, it enraged me more than anything else had.

"Is it because you guys are married," she asked me quietly, eyes locked on the stone floor of my classroom. "Did he only apologize to me because the two of you are married and you made him do it?'

"Professor Snape and I are not married," I said in a tight voice as I tried to reel in my anger. "He apologized to you because he meant it, but I Would not advise asking such questions of him unless you wish to have a new reason to need an apology from him."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry," she stuttered.

"You did mean to pry actually, don't lie," I sighed. "Just remember that you are a student, and I am a teacher. You and your friends should not be speaking about my personal life to begin with, let alone asking me about it. Please do not make that mistake again."

"I'm sorry," she stuttered out before fleeing my classroom.

It wasn't very nice of me, but she really had been out of line. She hadn't been nearly as out of line as Hagrid however, and that thought was the one that had me stomping my way out of my classroom and down to his hut. Luckily he didn't have a lesson this hour, but frankly I was angry enough with him that I probably would have accosted him right in the middle of the lesson if there had been one. Instead I pounded angrily on his door until he opened it and then stormed right past him to take up residence by the oversized table.

"You," I growled at him. "You eavesdropping, gossiping, rude little wanker."

He stared at me, clearly surprised that I was lashing out at him. To his credit however he did not lose his temper at my name calling.

"How dare you eavesdrop on such a private moment," I snapped. "And then to spread it around. What, do I not deserve a little privacy in my life?"

"I couldn't help but hear it," he said as quietly as a half giant could. "It did happen right here next to my garden, which I was working in at the time."

"Maybe you couldn't help but hear," I conceded. "But you could help spreading it around!"

"I only told Minerva," he hedged.

"You shouldn't have told anyone!" I shouted at him. "Not to mention you told her in front of students so it's spread like wildfire."

"It's not such a bad thing for people to know," he shrugged. "So Severus is human, is that so bad to have spread around?"

"He is a very private man," I yelled so loudly that my throat ached, causing me to speak more quietly when I continued. "It took a long time for him to admit his feelings. Do you think he will do so again anytime soon when the result was as disturbing as this?"

"I didn't mean to cause you trouble," he sighed in defeat.

"Well you certainly caused a heap of it," I sighed as I moved toward the door. "Today I had to answer questions a student posed about my personal life. As a professor that should never happen."

"I'm sorry Hermione," he said quietly.

"I'll forgive you if you promise not to do anything like this again," I said finally as I opened the door to let myself out. "But I doubt you will be as lucky with Severus."

I left him to stew on that thought and I walked back up to the castle. Tomorrow was our date, and I tried to just think about that as my blood pressure slowly returned to normal. It was easier to let go of my anger if I focused on how benign yet lovely a simply movie night with the love of my life would be. It just felt so normal. I want to dress up and go watch a movie with him, and maybe have a bit of a snog.

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><p>I probably took more time than was strictly necessary getting ready for an afternoon date, but I wanted today to be special even if it was just a movie. So I tamed my hair into something resembling soft curls, and I put on my prettiest dress. It was a plain white cotton tube dress that was covered with hand knit white lace. The sleeves were belled, and the bottom of the dress brushed the tops of my knees. It made me feel like a princess, though there was something about it that tempted me to go without shoes. It made me feel like a mystical woodland creature, but I put on shoes anyway. I doubted it would actually be fun to walk all the way down to the cottage without shoes to protect my feet from the occasionally rock strewn path.<p>

I made my way down to entrance hall, and this time I spotted Severus before he spotted me. He was waiting by the main doors with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. I wondered if he had encountered a student, but I let the thought flit out of my mind like a flighty bird and just took in how he still cut a striking figure in his frock coat, even without the robes billowing around him.

"Hello Severus," I chirped as I danced across the last few steps that separated us.

"Hello," he said in that silky voice that always made me heart beat a little bit faster. "Shall we?"

He offered me his arm, and I took it gratefully. It seemed an age since I had touched him, even though we had woken up together just this morning. Even though we were going to my cottage, and I had planned this date, I was happy to let him lead me off the grounds like the gentleman he was even if he tried to hide it from everyone else.

"What movie were you planning for today?" he asked lightly as we breached the school gates. "Hopefully not the World War Two film you plan to show the students next weekend."

"Oh no," I laughed. "I thought I would make you suffer through Titanic. It's always been one of my favorites."

"A film about a tragic ship sinking?" he questioned, his brow climbing higher. "Surely that will be just as bad as the other film."

"Oh no Titanic takes place during a tragic ship sinking, but it's actually quite romantic," I assured him.

"I suppose I shall take your word for it," he said softly with his eyes focused on the sky as we reached the edge of the village. "There doesn't seem to be a cloud in the sky, but I could swear that it's about to rain."

It was as if his words had been some sort of incantation, and a sun shower began almost instantly. It was warm, and the sun was still shining brightly, but rain had begun to pour down around us. I allowed Severus to pull me under the awning of the nearest shop while I enjoyed the scent of rain around us. It was nice tucked against his chest laughing as the rain fell to the ground so near, but I wanted more.

I slipped from his arms, and danced out into the rain. My hair would be madness later, but for now the water simply washed my curls away leaving my hair straight and trailing down my back. I threw my arms up in the air, and tilted my head back to let the rain wash down my face. It felt amazing.

"Come, feel the rain on your skin Severus," I called to him, waiting rather expectantly for him to join me.

He hesitate for a moment, but then he stepped out into the rain and my heart soared. He swept over to me and wrapped me up in his arms and I was content. But then he swung me in a circle, creating a dance of his own and I was so full of my love for him that the only way to release any of it was to laugh. A great hearty laugh erupted from my chest and danced in the air between us, joined by the earthy deep tones of his.

It was there, in the empty Hogsmeade street, with the rain pouring around us, and Severus Snape of all people dancing with me in such a sun shower that my perception of the world around me shifted. I had rather easily admitted to myself that I loved him, but I hadn't readily admitted to myself that I wanted to love him forever. I had accepted the idea of the two of us being soul mates long before I had even begun to consider the idea of marriage. But here in the street, I knew that was exactly what I wanted.

And frankly waiting for him to come around to the idea and propose to me seemed pretty awful. I didn't want to wait even a day to be married to him, though I would have to. But who said I had to wait to be engaged to him? Why couldn't I just ask him? I could ask him right this second.

"It's a testament to your beauty that you can manage not to look like a drowned rate in a storm like this. Some of us aren't so lucky," he laughed, interrupting my train of thought with his words, and the quick kiss he leaned in to steal.

"Come with me," I said, pulling him toward the tall grass on the side of the road as an idea formed in my mind.

"Hermione the knotgrass will catch in your dress," he pointed out as he tried to pull me back and away from it.

"So?" I laughed, tugging harder to pull him into the knotgrass with me. "The ground is softer here."

"I don't see how that's relevant," he said with a light laugh as he relented and let me pull him all the way into the thicket.

"Because it's better for kneeling," I whispered conspiratorially as I dropped to my knees and grabbed his hands. "Severus Snape you have been the one truly good thing in my life. You bring me perfect happiness. Would you do me the favor of promising to do just that for the rest of our lives?"

I brushed my finger back and forth over his ring finger, staring up into his dark and unfathomable eyes.

"Will you marry me?" I asked him as I focused my magic and conjured a band of silver beneath my thumb on his ring finger.

I was distracted from the creation of his engagement ring by the breath taking smile that over took his features. I had been privy to more smiles than most were allowed, but even this one knocked the wind from my chest. He was strikingly radiant in his happiness. I was so focused on that smile, I almost didn't notice that he was reaching into his pocket.

I noticed however that he had a little black box in his hand when he brought his hand back out of his pocket and I met his smile with one of my own. Apparently Mr. Grouchy-pants hadn't been shopping for potion ingredients the other day after all. My eyes darted between the box and his eyes on their own accord. I wasn't sure which one I should look at.

"You've beaten me to the punch my love," he breathed quietly as he lowered himself onto his knees in the quickly developing mud beneath us. "Nothing would make me happier than to call you my wife.

He popped open the box in his hands, and I found I was instantly in love with ring he had picked out. It was obviously and engagement ring, and yet it wasn't quite. It was unique. There was a large diamond set off to the left, and a band of silver wove back and forth toward the right wrapping around stones that grew progressively smaller. It was very pretty.

"Will you put it on me?" I asked quietly and he simply nodded.

I let go of my hold on his left hand so he would have use of both of them, and I couldn't help but smile when I caught a glimpse of the ring I left behind on his hand. It had been an accident that I hadn't removed my thumb while creating the ring, but it was a happy accident that it had left my thumb print molded in to his ring. It was perfect in a way I couldn't have planned.

He gently slid his ring onto my ring finger and leaned forward to brush his lips against it. My heart skipped a beat at the gesture and I didn't even bother to try and reel in my reaction. I was no officially engaged to Severus Snape. My life could not get any better.


	40. If we get out of the rain

_**Song for this chapter: Heartbeats by Jose Gonzales**_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

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><p>He kissed my hand once more, and against my heart fluttered. Deftly flipping my hand over in his, so my palm was facing up, he placed a kiss to the sensitive skin of my wrist and something else fluttered within me. He trailed his nose up my forearm, pushing my sleeve up as he went, placing a gentle kiss into the crook of my elbow and my breath caught in my chest. For a moment I couldn't breathe, and then began again in an embarrassingly labored fashion.<p>

"We should get inside," he whispered against my bicep before placing a gentle kiss on my shoulder.

"Mmm, but I like it here," I whispered breathily, goose bumps erupting on my flesh as he kissed my shoulder again, this time closer to my throat. "I like this."

"You will still like it if we get out of the rain, and away from where we can be seen," he whispered huskily in my ear. "I promise."

My mind temporarily stopped working due to a combination of his words, and the feel of his overheated lips pressing against the column of my throat. I failed at biting back a moan, and his responding husky breath did not help with the lust building within me.

"Take me where ever you want," I panted finally, and I don't think the possible double meaning was lost on either of us.

Severus abruptly pulled me up from within the knotgrass and began to hurry me up the way toward the cottage that had been our original destination. I could barely focus enough to put one foot in front of the other. My mind was honed in on the heat of his hand on the small of my back, and the lingering tingles at eat spot that had been kissed.

I felt as if my entire body might burst into flames as I burned with the passion I was feeling for him, but I tried to focus on walking to the cottage. Severus made it easier by guiding me though I wasn't sure if I should be embarrassed that he didn't seem to be having the same focus issues as me.

We reached the door of the cottage and he used silent wandless magic to open it for us. He ushered me inside, and the second the door was closed he lips were upon my skin once more. He was right; I wanted to be here in this house, receiving his undivided attention. I used the last but of intellectual thought left within me to transfigure the couch into a bed for us to lay on, and then I lost myself in the feeling of what was happening.

We hadn't spoken it aloud, but there seemed to be an understood agreement between the two of us that this was it. I could feel his passion, and I knew he felt mine. I could feel our lust, and our happiness, and our excitement. The amount of emotion flowing between us was overwhelming, and when paired with the pleasure my body was feeling I felt absolutely drunk.

I began methodically pulling buttons from their home on his frock coat as he fisted my wet hair in his hand and kissed me so fiercely that I forgot to breath. I got the last of his buttons undone on his jacket just as he began to back me up toward the bed I had created for us. The touch of my calves against the mattress was a subtle confirmation that this was about to happen, and for the first time I felt no fear. I wanted this. I wanted him.

I could feel pleasure rise up within him in response to what he felt in me, and I responded with pleasure of my own when he growled into the crook of my neck and fisted the bottom of my dress in his hands. He had a moment's hesitation, but then he pulled upward, dragging the wet dress up my body, slowly revealing more skin. When he had exposed my thighs and my knickers, I couldn't help but lean my body in to him. It hindered his progress in removing my dress, but feeling his excitement pressing against my thighs erased any other thoughts from my mind.

I felt a deep sense of pride as the realization that I caused that flowed through my mind. My pride was met with his hunger, and just like that my dress was gone. He threw it on the floor with a wet smacking sound, and then his hands were on my skin and I could not help but moan.

"Severus," I gasped as he ran his hands up either side of my torso and returned his lips to my throat.

"Hermione," he groaned, dragging his teeth over the sensitive skin beneath my ear.

I shivered under his hands as I began to earnestly tear at the buttons on his white oxford. I quickly lost my patience as he sucked at my pulse point and cast a divesting charm leaving him naked before me.

"Minx," he growled and he began to lower me down on to the bed.

As he lay me back I got the full view of him and took a moment to be impressed by the look of him. His skin was pale, but it seemed flawless like smooth marble. His muscles were strong and his stance was confident. His size was impressively overwhelming but I trusted him not to hurt me. I basked in all the love that I felt for him, and I could feel him radiating back at me and there were no nerves as he deftly removed my shoes before leaning over me as he lowered his knees onto the bed on either side of my thighs.

"Are you sure?" he asked once, though I knew he could feel my readiness, he seemed to need to hear me say it as well.

"Yes Severus," I told him as I gently placed my hands on his hips. "I want this."

He claimed my lips once more, and even through the lusty haze he created in my mind I felt when he cast the nonverbal spell that removed the last of my clothing. I gasped at the sensation of his skin pressed against my skin, and I could feel an embarrassing moan that sounded almost like a keening building in the back of my throat.

"Oh please," I begged him, not even sure what I was asking for as I ran one hand up his spine and griped his hip tightly with the other

He bit my shoulder as his hand closed gently over my breast. I arched up into his hand and all I could think was yes, that was what I had been asking for. As we grew more intimate I was swaddled in his emotions, and I could taste his desires. Somewhere deep within the bubble we had created I could sense what seemed to be his thoughts. They were blurred, and seemed almost as confused as mine by the lust that was charging the air between us. But there were there. I could almost hear what seemed to be his voice shouting his love for me over and over again.

"Oh God," he shuddered against my clavicle as I repositioned my legs so my thighs were wrapping around his hips.

I knew that he felt the warmth there and that he wanted it. That was what kept me from being embarrassed at my bold move, or the distinct wetness that I could feel there. His unshielded want allowed me to feel my own without shame or fear.

"Yes," I cried as his mouth found my breast.

There was no fear this time, only endorphins and pure need. My back was arched and my whole body was vibrating with pleasure as he laved my breast with his devilish tongue. I fisted my hands in his hair, pulling him tighter to me as he sent my mind reeling with pleasure. His own pleasure reached out tentatively to tangle with mine when I gripped his hips with my thighs, pulling his body closer to mine.

We both hissed in mutual desire when his erection brushed my sensitive skin. I felt my first spike of fear, but it warred with my heady need and was quickly beaten down. I had never wanted something in my life as much as I wanted to be joined with him right now.

"May I?" he groaned, releasing my breast with a pop.

"Please," I shuddered, shifting my hips in an effort to bring him closer.

He released his hold on my hip and used his and to gently guide himself to my entrance. He paused there, lighting all of my nerves on fire with his contact, and looked into my eyes one last time. He was checking if I was sure, I could feel his fear of hurting me. I gave him a sure nod, and prayed that he felt that I wanted this as much as he did.

"I love you," he whispered reverently, and with a quick jerk of the hips he as inside of me.

For a moment there was a sharp sting of pain, but then all I felt were the different threads of my life unraveling from their different tethers and surging forward to wrap into one steal chord that tied me to this man. I felt his body, his emotions, and I could feel his thoughts as if they were my own. The world around me no longer seemed to exist as I fell into the space that was our connected minds.

_Oh God._ I thought as he gentle rocked his hip once.

_Not God, Me_. He thought back at me and is bubbling humor rolled through us in a way that made me hear laughter even though it hadn't actually happened.

He began to move, and our little world swirled around us. Disjointed thoughts tumbled around as we experienced the pleasure of our bodies moving in tandem. Mental voices lost the clarity of who was thinking what as a burning coil of pleasure began to tighten and out movements quickened. Neither of us was going to last long with all of this overwhelming feeling on every level.

_I need you._

_More._

_Please._

_Yes. _

_God. _

_God._

_I love you!_

I no longer knew what was me and what was him, and then suddenly the world erupted into bright white light and there was nothing but the intense all-encompassing pleasure as our orgasms mingled together clouding our minds. On some level I was aware of panting breaths and slick skin. There was a part of my mind that knew we had rolled onto our sides, and our limbs were entwined as we maintained the physical connection even after his hardness had passed.

Those sensations hardly seemed to matter as I clung to the deeper closeness between us. I could feel his very soul snuggled up against mine. It was more than that really. I could feel that is soul had wrapped around mine, as mine had with his. They were irrevocably bound to one another now, and I did not want even an inch to separate us as I basked in the glorious feeling of loving and being loved.

It was the perfect happiness I had been seeking.

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><p><strong>well there you have it, I finally gave you a bit of lemony zest<strong>


	41. How my thoughts they spin me round

**Apparently I love this story too much to just put it on hiatus. So instead I will just be spreading out the updates to accommodate the two plot bunnies that are still plaguing me. So without further ado, the next segment with our two lovers.**

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><p><em><strong>Song for this chapter: And Then You by Greg Laswell<strong>_

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

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><p>The intention when coming down to Hogsmeade for our date, had certainly not been to stay the night, but it had happened anyway. Both of us had just been so tired after the surprising, and frankly astounding coupling that had taken place in the living room. There were no words for the feelings that I had felt when our souls had connected, but one thing that could be said for certain was that it had made me tired. Bone tired. I could feel that Hermione felt the same way, and so it had been an easy decision for the two of us to fall sleep on the transfigured bed instead of going home.<p>

There didn't seem to be much wrong with that plan until I woke up in the first hours of morning with an insatiable hunger only to realize that there wasn't any food in the house. I lay beside a still sleeping Hermione for a long time trying to decide if I should wake her and see if she wanted to go back to the castle, or perhaps see if she wanted to grab a bite to eat in town. I hated the idea of waking her up, so in the end I decided to nip into the Three Broomsticks and get a takeaway meal for us to share when she did wake up.

I gently eased out of the bed where we had slept complete entangled in one another and sought out my clothes from wherever Hermione had banished them too last night. They had ended up mostly in a pile near a chair, but seeking out my shoes took longer than expected. One was part of the way under the bed, and the other was by the front door. I pulled my shoes on, made sure all of my buttons where done correctly before I started looking for a bit of ink and parchment so I could leave Hermione a note in case she awoke while I was out.

Hermione had stocked the house with more electronic devices than any of our magical students had ever seen, but for the life of me I couldn't find a bit of ink that wasn't encased within a printer. I was more surprised to find that she didn't have any paper either. It made sense to me that she would have some plain printer paper for demonstrating how the computer was able to send a signal to the printer.

In the end I fell back to an old trick and simply conjured a bit of parchment, using my wand to scorch the message into the paper. I wasn't running across the grounds like the last time I had done this, so the words were certainly more legible, or at least as legible as my handwriting ever got. I wrote my note, and left it on the bed beside her before slipping out into the rapidly brightening morning sun.

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

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><p>I felt sluggish as I work up. My body felt heavy with the still lingering tiredness, but I was warm and content despite that. I put off opening my eyes, and simply stretched languidly, reaching out for Severus. My eyes snapped open when I realized that he was not in the bed with me. I was particularly concerned, he may very well have been in the bathroom, but it was strange to feel that the bed was cold and empty around me.<p>

I rolled onto my side, pulling the sheet with me and looked around the room. He didn't appear to be on the first floor with me. The bathroom was upstairs with the small bedroom that I was using to store extra muggle artifacts that I planned to introduce in next year's lessons when I had better hammered out my lesson plans.

"Severus," I called out, testing to see if he was upstairs.

I didn't get an answer, and I began to wonder if he had left. I sat fully up, wondering where he might have gone, and that was when I noticed the note sitting on the bed beside me. It seemed harmless, a bit of folded parchment resting against a sheet, but my world spun backwards from the moment I took it into my hand. The sight of the parchment in my hand made my heart race for some reason, but I ignored it.

I opened the note, seeing that the message had been burned in to it, and I swear my heart stopped beating for a few seconds before it took off at a gallop in my chest. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, all I could do was panic as I tried to process what the note said. I could see that it said Severus had gone to get breakfast, but all my mind seemed to see was the note telling me to get out of my home and too take my parents with me.

I went into auto pilot pulling the sheet tight around me as I stumbled out of the bed. The only clear thought running through my head was to hide. I needed some place that would make me safe, but I couldn't begin to imagine where that was. My eyes scanned the room searching for something that didn't seem to exist, and in the end when my panic raised to higher pitch at the sound of something moving outside I threw myself beneath the bed.

I tugged the sheet tightly around me so it wasn't trailing out beneath the bed, and tried to stifle the gasping breathes that were ripping from my throat as tears began to blur my eyes. I was on the verge of an all-out panic attack, and no matter how I tried to calm myself I didn't seem to be able to convince myself that there was not a threat outside of this house. I was terrified, and that feeling began to strangle me as the front door swung open.

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

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><p>I had to bite my cheek in order to stifle a laugh at the look on Rosmerta's face when I came waltzing into the place clearly wearing yesterday's clothes. I put in an order for a simple scramble with bacon and milk, and waited patiently for the order to be filled. I couldn't help that I had a bit of a smile tugging at my lips while I waited and thought of the beautiful woman who was waiting for me.<p>

It didn't take too terribly long and soon I was walking out into the street with a paper bag filled with a meal that smelled rather good. I was in such high spirits that I was actually whistling to myself as I made my way back to the little cottage nestled away on the edge of the village.

I knew from the moment that I stepped into the house that Hermione was awake, because the bed was empty. I just didn't realize the extent of the situation by the simple sight of the empty bed. I had closed the door, and begun setting up breakfast on the table before the atmosphere in the house really began to settle around me. I knew Hermione must be nearby, because I seemed to be able to feel her as if I were touching her, yet I still didn't see her.

"Hermione," I called out quietly, setting the food aside and turning to look for her when I heard a huffed breath sound but no actual response. "Hermione where are you?"

Still she did not answer, but I heard a shaky breath that illuminated the oppressive feeling in the room. Wherever she was, she was crying, and she seemed to be afraid. What had happened while I was out getting breakfast? I looked around the room for some unforeseen threat, but all I saw was my note lying crumpled on the bed.

"I can feel that you are afraid, but I don't understand why," I spoke aloud somehow sure that she was in the room with me though I hadn't seen her yet. "I'd appreciate it if you could come out and talk to me."

Still she seemed unable to answer with words, but she began to cry in earnest, and I knew now that she was under the bed. What had driven her to hide under the bed? Something was clearly wrong, so I moved cautiously to lower myself onto the floor next to the bed. I got a short glimpse of her curled in on herself tangled up in the sheet crying before she saw and screamed the fear clear on her face. There was a moment of blind panic before she seemed to realize who I was and the screaming stopped even if the tears didn't.

"Severus," she croaked in a rough voice. "Oh Severus."

"What happened?" I asked her hoping that calm logical questions were the best tactic.

"I don't know. I don't know." She cried pulling sheet tighter around her as she tried to rock herself a bit. "The note. It's not the same, but it's the same."

The pieces fell together then, and I realized that I had hit an unexpected trigger. I had even though of that last note as I wrote this one, but I hadn't _truly_ thought about it. The burned note would be all too familiar to her wouldn't it? And that was a piece of everything that had happened that we had never really even talked about. I had been a complete idiot this morning.

"I'm so sorry Hermione, I just didn't think," I said quietly reaching my hand out tentatively to see if she would allow me to touch her.

I brushed my hand against her hair, and breathed a sigh of relief when she leaned into my touch rather than flinching away.

"I was so afraid," she admitted in a low moan. "You weren't here, and I just… I don't know."

"It's okay Hermione," I assured her as I continued to run my fingers through her hair in a soothing gesture.

We stayed like that for a long time. Her tears came to a slow stop while I kept methodically running my fingers through her hair. I could feel the fear slowly bleed out of her, and I wondered if she could feel the relief grow within me. I lost track of time while I waited for her to feel safe enough to come out, but eventually she did begin to shift her way out from under the bed. As soon as she was sitting on her knees beside the mattress I hurried to her side and pulled her into my arms. Perhaps the actual event had been years ago, but it appeared there were still a few bumps in the road to be smoothed over.

"I hope you can forgive my lapse in judgment," I whispered into her hair.

"I hope you can forgive my ridiculous display of emotion," she laughed roughly into my shoulder. "I'm a right mess, and not at all a picture of a woman you might want to repeat yesterday's activities with."

"Oh I certainly have intentions of repeating yesterday's activities," I told her with a laugh. "For now though, I think perhaps a nice warm bath is in order. We can even add a bit of lavender to the water."

"Mmm, that sounds nice," she hummed as she snuggled closer, no longer radiating any fear. "Will you join me."

"Obviously," I drawled in my most patronizing voice before I chuckled at her. "Do you want breakfast before or after?"

"After," she giggled, and I realized that she was hungry, but it was for something other than food.

I would have asked how she could be interested in sex after being so terrified, but then I realized that it wasn't likely that it was sex she was interested in. She was probably looking for comfort, which could be found in intimacy. I scooped her up, sheet and all, and carried her upstairs to where I knew the bathroom was located.

I set the water running while I eased Hermione out of her sheet, and took a moment to enjoy the sight of her without any clothing. It was the first time I had gotten a good look at her without her clothes on. Yesterday had been heated and full of passion, but it had happened so quickly that I hadn't gotten a chance to really look at her. It was a beautiful sight, even when her eyes were still puffy from her tears.

We took our time getting into the bath, and going through the motions of actual bathing rituals. But I took particular time showering Hermione with my love and affection, and now that she was calm she was doing the same. The bath water was already warm, but it seemed to grow warmer once we were enveloped in the bubble of our soul connection once more.

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><p>We spent a long time simply soaking in the tub and enjoying gentle touches after making love. It was late afternoon by the time either of us felt sated or even wanted to get out of the warm water of the tub. Breakfast cold and technically qualified as lunch by the time we made our way back down to the living room.<p> 


	42. Just sneak out and don't tell a soul

_**Song for this chapter: Check Yes Juliet by We The Kings**_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

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><p>"Severus, what kind of wedding do you want?" I asked him as I wrapped up in the towel he had just conjured for me from one of the a hanky that had been in his pocket.<p>

"I haven't given much thought to a ceremony to be honest," he admitted, as he pulled his pants back on with a little difficultly considering how humid the bathroom was after our two hour bath. "I've only really thought about how much I wish to be married to you."

"What would your feelings be on skipping over the show of a big ceremony?" I asked him hesitantly as I leaned against the counter as I had no clothes up here to put on. "What do you think about eloping?"

"Are you being serious?" he asked, looking up from buttoning his pants to search my gaze. "Because frankly I'd take you to a chapel this instant if you were."

"I am," I gushed, suddenly glowing with the thought of running off to some muggle chapel and tying the knot before the day was out.

He looked seriously at the ring on his had before his eyes darted to my hand and then up to meet my gaze. There were so many emotions flowing through his eyes as he stared at me, and I felt my heart rate pick up in an entirely different way than it had earlier this morning.

"Very convenient that you wore a white dress yesterday," he finally said with a chuckle before grabbing his shirt off the counter and starting to pull it on. "If you're ready, let's do this Hermione."

"Just give me a minute to get dress," I chirped bustling out of the room to track down my clothes from yesterday.

I hurriedly cast a quick cleaning and drying charm on my clothes that were still a bit damp and threw them back on. Severus was right, this dress would work perfectly as a wedding dress, it practically looked like it was to begin with. I sought out my ballet flats while I tried to think of how I should do my hair. I knew Severus wouldn't care if I married him while my hair was a birds nest atop my head, but I wanted a picture of the two of us as newlyweds, and I wanted it to look nice.

I decided to simply charm my hair into loose curls as I was slipping my shoes on. I used the reflection I could see in the dark television screen to tame my hair, and slid my shoes on before wondering if I should wear makeup of some sort.

"You make an awfully beautiful bride," Severus said in a deep voice, drawing my attention away from fussing with a stubborn curl that kept falling into my face.

"You look pretty handsome yourself," I smiled, noticing that he hadn't bothered with his frock coat, and that he had actually styled his hair a bit, so it looked much like it did the night we had gone into London for our first real date. I was momentarily torn between wanting to ravish him and wanting to hurry to the chapel to marry him. I giggled when I felt a similar war waging within him.

"I love you," I smiled as I crossed the room to take his hand, giving him permission to apparate us wherever he saw fit.

"As do I you," he whispered into my hair as he pulled me a little tighter and turned us abruptly to the left, pulling us through time and space.

There was a moment of intense pressure, and then it was released and I saw that we were standing in a somewhat rundown part of a town that with a start I realized that I recognized. Severus had brought to a chapel near where his house had been before it had burned down, to marry him. In a way it seemed fitting, this had been where the real foundation of our relationship had been built after all.

"Is this okay?" he asked me quietly, as he led me into the small and easy to overlook church.

"This is perfect," I sighed, marveling at how the inside seemed to glow with brightness even when the outside had been so dingy.

Things happened so quickly that I could hardly wrap my mind around them. Severus found the minister somewhere in the back and explained to him that we wished to be married right away. We signed all of the paperwork that was required to legally register our marriage in the muggle world, and then suddenly we were standing before the alter. My hands were held tightly by Severus and the air seemed to thicken with the emotions that were blossoming between us.

I wondered vaguely if I would ever grow used to feeling the emotions that flitted throw him along with feeling my own, but then when I felt the heat and strength of his love for me I wasn't sure that I wanted to. The minister seemed to be a gentle humming as he instructed us in our vows, and I kept my eyes locked on those of my love as I promise to love him always and forever. I felt tears stinging my eyes when he made the same promises to me. The emotion was palpable in the air, and then when the minister pronounced that we were married and gave Severus permission to kiss me it felt like the world exploded into Technicolor.

Our lips met, and I swear for a moment the world stopped spinning. It was just me and him, and our love wrapped around us like a thick woolen blanket. I felt certain that my life were perfect and could not possibly ever get better. This man, this beautiful man that was kissing me, was now my husband. I couldn't help the soft sight that fell from my lips.

"I love you Hermione," he whispered against my lips before he kissed me more deeply.

There was an awkward clearing of the throat behind us, and we realizes that we were making the minister awfully uncomfortable.

"I love you too Severus," I breathed reverently as I stepped back to allow a comfortable distance to come between us for the sake of the minister.

"The church will take care of mailing this paper work in for the two of you," the little man instructed falling back into business mode. "You will have to take care of the legal arrangements for changing your name however Mrs. Snape."

"Mrs. Snape," Severus said with a beaming smile. "I do like the sound of that."

"Mmm yes," I gushed. "Mrs. Severus Snape. It has quite a nice ring to it."

"Oh you too are hopeless," the minister laughed as he stepped away from the alter. "Go away with you, I'm sure you are eager to get on to your honeymoon."

I laughed as he left us standing alone in the main room of the church, but my giggles were cut short when Severus claimed my lips once more.

"Do you want to go on a honeymoon?" he asked wickedly while kissing a trail along my neck. "I suppose it would have to be a short one, as we have lessons to teach in the morning."

"It feels a bit as if we had the honeymoon before the wedding," I mused, though I was slowly losing the ability to think clearly. "I think I'd much rather just go back to your chambers. Our should I call them our chambers now?"

"Definitely ours," he whispered as he nuzzled against my neck before reluctantly pulling away, and leaving me reeling and far too light on my feet.

"Let's go home husband," I whispered as I reached out to grab his arm, both to steady myself, and as an excuse to touch him.

"Your wish is my command wife," Severus chuckled before scanning the room to make sure that there wasn't anyone watching before he turned to left once more and took us from inside the chapel to just outside the Hogwarts gate.

"We'll have to file with the ministry," I pointed out distractedly as he pulled me along with him toward the school at a clipped pace. "And we'll have to tell Minerva of course"

"We could just tell Hagrid and be done with it," Severus laughed as we passed the hut and saw Hagrid in his garden once more. "He'd probably even take care of the paper work for us."

"He means well," I offered up as we mounted the steps leading into the school quickly.

"I'm sure he does, but I must admit paperwork and Hagrid are the last things on my mind at the moment," Severus said huskily as he led me down into the dungeons.

"Mmm yes I have a few different things on my mind as well," I admitted, landing a firm slap on his backside when he stopped to lower the wards leading into his chambers.

"Oh you are in trouble now," he growled when the portrait swung open, and he yanked me inside.

The air seemed to sizzle with our united arousal as he pressed me against the wall and seared me with a heated kiss. I immediately began to lose track of what was him and what was me as I moaned his name, and encouraged him to continued running his hand up my thigh.

Our first time had been rushed and intense with the magnitude of our soul bond. Our second time had been slow and careful as we nurtured one another in a warm bath. Our third time, and our first time as a married couple, was intense, hot, and perhaps a little bit rough. We never made it to his bedroom, but we did made a bit of a mess of his potions ingredients as he took me against the counter. The majority of the mess had come when he had planted me on the counter and buried his head between my thighs making me scream his name, and unfortunately send jars tumbling as I flailed for something to hold on to in order to keep myself tethered to reality. Severus had made a mess of his own when I had climbed atop him on the kitchen floor, and rode him. I worried that my skill was poor when he was able to think clearly enough to look through the things that had been knocked to the floor, but any concern for that was driven from my mind when I realized he had chocolate sauce in his hand, and intended to use it.

He had eaten a lot of chocolate off of my breasts while I brought us both to climax, but even more chocolate had ended up smeared on the floor and along the cabinets as we grappled for traction as the intensity climbed higher. The house elves were going to have a right fit when they saw the mess, but by the time my head was clear enough to realize what a mess we had made we were showered and sliding into bed for much needed rest after such an athletic day.


	43. I have been waiting all my life

_**Song for this chapter: I knew I Loved You by Savage Garden**_

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

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><p>The honeymoon of sorts ended rather abruptly when Monday morning dawned and we had to see to our lessons. The temptation to simply stay in bed was monumental, but we had yet to inform Minerva of certain changes that had been made over the weekend, so it would be difficult to explain why the pair of us wished to spend the rest of the day in bed, together.<p>

"I think I shall make today's lesson about the value of a nice muggle chapel," Hermione said with a sleepy smile as she rolled out of bed.

"I think it best we inform out boss about your name change before that leaks out to the students," I chuckled tossing one of the pillows at her for pulling the sheet with her and leaving me exposed to the dungeon cold.

"We probably do need to have a word with her today don't we?" Hermione asked seriously as she picked the pillow up from the floor and set it on the foot of the bed.

"Yes, actually we should see to it as soon as possible," I told her as I sat up. "I believe this month's pay is about to dispense, and as Hermione Granger does not actually exist anymore, money could be sent to the wrong vault."

I was rewarded with a peal of laughter, and I couldn't help but smile.

"We'll pretend both that the ministry already knows we are married, and that I give a damn about money to make that a real reason shall we?" she laughed. "I'm glad you are excited to tell people too."

"I said no such thing woman," I pretended to grouse as I slid out of bed and began pulling out clothing for the day.

"Okay Severus," she laughed. "I don't actually have any other clothes here at the moment, so I will have to run upstairs to get dressed. I'll set up a lunch meeting with the headmistress?"

"Sounds good," I told her before leaning in to steal a quick kiss. "I'll arrange to have the house elves bring down your clothes, and we can see to other changes later."

"Look at you, already taking care of me," she chuckled as she reached into the bedside table, that she now knew held my pouch of floo powder. "I've made a good choice in who to call my husband."

"Speaking of taking care," I said the smile obvious in my voice. "Be careful going through the kitchen. I am fairly certain we left broken glass on the floor."

She nodded before stealing one more quick kiss and ducking out of the room. Her laughter at whatever mess met her in the kitchen floated back toward me, and my smile grew.

"Well no glass," she shouted back, and just beyond that I heard to sound of her igniting a fire in the grate. "The house elves must have been up early this morning."

"Well, I will have to offer them my most sincere apology when I speak to them before later." I called out to her, surprised to discover that I was actually a little embarrassed that such a scene had been viewed by someone other than Hermione and I.

Perhaps luck was with us, and the house elves did not understand what they saw. It was plausible that things had simply been knocked off the counter wasn't it? Well, there had been distinct hand prints in the chocolate now that I thought about it. Hopefully house elves were just too innocent. I pushed such thoughts from my mind and finished dressing so I could go down to the kitchens and arrange to have the moving done while we were in our lessons today.

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><p>"I admit that I was surprised that the two of you wanted to have lunch together," Minerva said as she slid into the last of the seats left at the small table that the house elves had arranged for them in the headmistress's office. "Hermione implied that it was a business meeting of sorts. A good meeting I hope."<p>

"I think so," Hermione said with a bright smile, and then she pointedly scooped herself some potatoes with her left hand, though the glinting of her wedding ring seemed to be lost on Minerva.

"I would agree," I seconded Hermione's statement, and mimicked her action with the pumpkin juice pitcher.

Minerva still did not notice, but I heard a muffled tittering begin in the portraits that hung above our heads. I tilted my head slightly so I could see the headmasters and headmistresses of old flitting from frame to frame whispering to one another. I was surprised by the sense of pride the swelled within me when I saw how pleased Albus looked to discover that Hermione and I had married. I had thought that all I had left inside of me for him was hatred, but apparently he still held that fatherly role somewhere in my heart.

"We've got a bit of an announcement," Hermione said when she realized the subtle approach had not worked at all. "It doesn't change much on your end, but you should be aware of it."

Minerva's brow furrowed and I could see her attempting to predict the answer to her own question, but to her credit she did not follow her Gryffindor heritage and attempt to give the answer before Hermione did.

"Over the weekend Severus and I got married," Hermione said smoothly, though her mouth twitched with her smile. "We have to finish paperwork with the ministry, but my title would now be Professor Snape as well."

"Congratulations," Minerva cheered, immediately snatching Hermione's hand from the table to gape at the ring, and she exploded with laughter. "That's about as serpentine as you can get without putting a snake on the ring isn't it Severus?"

"You've found me out," I said, joining briefly in her laughter when I saw surprise flash in Hermione's eyes as she eyed her ring again. Clearly it hadn't occurred to her that the weaving band looked like a snake.

"Alright, hand out, I want to see your ring as well," Minerva said with a fluttering of the hand.

I heaved a sigh because it was expected of me, but then I offered up my hand without much issue. I was surprised by how soft her hands were as they gripped mine to pull the ring a bit closer. It was so easy to forget that Minerva was an old woman, but you could feel it in her hands.

"Hand crafted?" Minerva asked, looking up to meet Hermione's eyes.

Hermione nodded he response.

"I love the finger print," Minerva smiled softly as she released my hand. "Though I daresay Filius would dock you point unless you wrote a really good essay explaining why you put it there."

"I'd love to say it was intentional," Hermione said while she poured her own glass of juice. "But it was really just a happy accident."

"It does seem to show a certain sense of ownership though doesn't it?" Minerva said with a smirk in my direction.

"The ownership was already rather clear wasn't it?" I answered lightly. "You're not actually trying to force me into admitting I like a piece of Jewelry are you Minerva?"

"Oh no, of course not," she laughed. "You were right Hermione that it doesn't change much for me, just a small bit of paper work. The two of you however are going to have to deal with a sudden public interest in your relationship."

"Well they won't bother me," I smirked, turning laughing eyes on Hermione. "You however are in for quite the week."

"I'm going to tell everyone that you secretly hope they will all send you flowers," she said with an evil grin before tucking in to her lunch.

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><p>By the end of the day all of the necessary paperwork had been filed with both the school and the ministry of magic, the house elves had outdone themselves and moved <em>all<em> of Hermione's possession to our dungeon chambers, and Hermione had successfully pushed off quite a few of the questions that would have come from students and staff alike by making a short statement at dinner that 'yes the two of us got married over the weekend, yes we are very happy, and no we would not submit to questioning unless such a conversation was sought out by us.' All in all the day had wrapped up rather nicely and I found myself relieved to be sitting in front of the fireplace with my tired by happy wife.

"Do you want to go to bed?" she asked, stretching rather catlike against me on the couch that now sat in my enlarged living room.

"I could be persuaded to get into bed," I said softly, though I was not remotely tired, but was instead enjoying the improved view of her chest while he back was arched in a stretch.

She hopped up off the couch and I followed closely behind her. I had an idea brewing in my head for what I could get away with while she was too tired to do much else, and suddenly I was much more excited to be in the bedroom.

"What are you doing?" she asked with nearly believable innocence when I wrapped my arms around her from behind and placed a gentle kiss to the back of her neck.

"Nothing darling, go ahead and get into bed," I whispered along the curve of her shoulder while I began deftly unfastening the belt to her robes.

"You're being rather distracting," she giggled, though she allowed the robe to slip to the ground when I had it opened. "I thought you wanted to go to sleep as well."

"I only said that I would get into bed," I whispered silkily into her ear before trailing my tongue along the edge. "Why don't you just lie back and let me have a bit of fun Hermione."

"What are you going to do Severus?" she asked, and though the action of crawling onto the bed seemed confident I heard the hint of fear in her voice, and I felt the concern in the air around us.

"Nothing bad I assure you," I said in a voice I hope bolstered her confidence in us. "I want to make you feel good."

I opened my shields to allow her to get a better read on me, and I felt her relax before I saw he shoulders droop slightly as the tension was released. I was quickly discovering that our emotion connection was often more useful than actual speech, and tried to resolved to further diminish my mental shields so it would not mute the connection as much as it did.

"Lie back Hermione," I said softly, as I kneeled on the foot of the bed.

She complied readily this time, and I couldn't help but drink in the sight of her spread out on the bed before me in nothing but her undergarments. It was a sight that I was grateful to have the opportunity to see for the rest of my life. I reached out to pull off her knickers, and she allowed it though she tensed ever so slightly.

"Do you trust me?" I asked her softly as I lowered myself onto my stomach between her knees.

"Yes," she answered easily, though her voice did tremble a bit with something other than fear.

I leaned my head forward, and placed a kiss that would be chaste in any other location against her mound. I took a great deal of pleasure in the way her back arched and a wavering moan tumbled from her lips. I dipped my head down once more, running my tongue over her lips pulling a whimper from her. I had to use a hand to hold her hips in place as I urged her lips apart and began to delve in with my tongue. Gods the sounds she was making went straight to my loins, but tonight I was focused on pleasing her.

"Oh Severus," she gasped as I slid a finger inside of her now drenched opening. "More."

I could not deny her such a simple request. I focused the attention of my tongue on her tight bud and slid another finger inside, pumping it rhythmically as I felt her thighs begin to quiver on either side of my head. I growled against her sex when I felt her hand fist in my hair, and the resulting shiver that went through her was magnificent as it sent tiny flutters through the muscles that wrapped so perfectly around my fingers as the moved in and out of her.

"Come for me witch," I coaxed as I twisted my fingers around and pressed firmly against the spongy gathering of nerve endings within that I knew would send he toppling over the edge.

She did not disappoint, with just a few subtle passing of my fingers, she fell apart. Her wall clamped down, squeezing my fingers in the most delightful way as her juices flooded onto my tongue. I wondered if it would be crass to tell her how much I enjoyed the taste of her, but instead focused on using my tongue to keep her wave of pleasure rolling as long as I could.

"Take me," she rasped in a voice now hoarse from screaming out her pleasure. "I need you Severus."

Who was I to say no? I climbed quickly up her body, only bothering with my clothing so much as to free myself from my trousers before I joined our bodies. The feeling of our souls joining once more was like slipping into a warm bath, though it was strangely at odds with the passionate fire that burned through me at the feel of her body wrapped against mine. Once again we did not last long as the combined effect of our fervent rocking, and our minds melding together, sent us both toppling over the brink.

"I love you," I whispered into her hair as we rolled on to our sides.

"I love you too," she panted as she quickly freed herself from her bra and cast a charm to remove my clothing as well. "And you sir may do that any time you wish."

"Oh I intend to," I chuckled darkly as I pulled the sheet over us and snuggled up against her back. "But for now, sleep sounds nice."

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><p>I was not exactly happy to find myself standing somewhat awkwardly off to the side in the kitchen at the Burrow while Hermione was wrapped up in the arms of Molly Weasley. Hermione had coaxed me into coming with her for a short trip out of the castle to announce the news of our nuptials to her friends and stand in family. I had agreed when she had promised it would only be Molly and Arthur. She had kept her word, but she had not been able to account for the fact that Ginny was over for a cup of tea with her mother.<p>

"I'm so happy for you two," Molly gushed as she released Hermione and shot me a beaming smile, knowing better than to try and pull me into a hug. "Won't you let me throw you a party in celebration of the marriage?"

"Really Molly, it's quite alright," Hermione shook her head. "We don't want any big show; we just wanted you to know that we had done it."

"Well I should hurry out and buy one of those muggle lottery tickets," Ginny laughed drawing my attention back to her, and her rather pregnant belly. "It's quite the lucky day that I happened by to see Mum while you two were over."

"I assume you shall refrain from excessive flapping of the gums," I said, my old sternness slipping into my voice easily.

"I promise I will only tell Harry," Ginny said making a cross over her heart, and I was surprised that she would make such a muggle gesture, though I suppose she was married to a man raised in the muggle world. "I cannot be held responsible for what happens after that though."

"Has Harry turned into some sort of gossip?" Hermione asked, and I was surprised to see her reach out and touch Ginny's belly almost instinctively. "He was never like that in school."

"Just to the left and you'll feel a little kick," Ginny said distractedly before she flashed her mother a look that made me want to slip into her mind and see what the meaning was. "And no he hasn't, but he still tells Ron things, and of course he's married to Lavender so you know how that goes."

"Yes Miss Brown-cum-Weasley always was fond of the rumor mill," I mused, surprising the lot of them when I let out a small chuckle. "Well so long as we don't end up in the prophet I am perfectly fine with it."

"Will you too be staying for dinner?" Molly asked with a subtle topic change as she also seemed to be evaluating Hermione's interest with Ginny's pregnant belly.

"No we really should be getting back to the castle as I have rounds tonight," Hermione said stepping back until her arm was brushing against mine. "Ginny, we really should be throwing you a baby shower shouldn't we; it's not much longer until you're due."

"I've still got three months," Ginny laughed. "It just seems like its sooner because I appear to have swallowed a beach ball. I suspect the healer is marbles and hasn't spotted I'm having twins yet."

"I read an article about some pregnant woman carrying more amniotic fluid than usual," I interjected before it occurred to me that I had never shared an academic opinion with anyone in the room other than Hermione before. "It is possibly that is the cause of the added weight gain. Though I think it's supposed to make the baby safer as they are further protected from the outside environment."

"I tried telling her that," Molly barked out a laugh that started Arthur who had been distracted with what appeared to be a set of spark plugs sitting in the middle of the table. "She seems to think I'm a nutter, but perhaps she'll believe a potions master."

"Mother," Ginny groaned. "How about we all stop talking about my weight gain yeah?"

"Of course," Hermione said easily. "You really do look quite lovely though. Anyway, we should be on our way. I'll write about that baby shower okay Molly?"

"Certainly Hermione," Molly smiled, lunging out to steal another quick hug before we made our way over to the fire place.

Their shouts of goodbye followed us through the floo network. Hermione was all smiles when we got back, and for that alone I was glad that I had accompanied her to tell the people she considered family. Of course now that we were back at the castle she had rounds to see too, and I had a meeting with the headmistress about two professor who were requesting to be let off their Hogsmeade supervision duties for the weekend, so we were forced to part ways temporarily.

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><p>If it hadn't been for our emotional connection being almost constant after coupling I might not have noticed the growing anxiety in Hermione over the course of the next couple weeks. Without that anxiety, and the desire to know where it came from, I also may never have discovered that if I focused I could delve deeper than emotions and get a sense of her thoughts without using legilimency to connect our minds.<p>

I suppose it was snooping, but she didn't seem to be actively trying to keep it a secret from me. It seemed more that she thought herself silly. I caught myself listening in each morning as the same worry was renewed before it was stamped out. The question of, _can I be pregnant_ was usually followed with the thought of _surely not_.

I set me to really watching her, and I felt I was certain of the truth before she was. Nothing had changed in a dramatic way, but she did seem just a bit redder in the face, and her hormones did seem to be cycling more rapidly than either of us was used to. She didn't seem ready to bring the topic up with me, so I put off bringing it up myself for a bit.

I supposed that it was possible, we hadn't been at all careful about protection. Admittedly I had assumed that she was on a birth control potion, but now that I thought about it I had never seen her take one. And considering the past she had with sex, and how unpredictable our own interludes were, it wasn't at all surprising that she hadn't thought to take one. She wasn't ready to talk about it yet, but I found I was rather certain that Hermione was in fact pregnant.

The question was, how did I feel about that? I supposed as newly married, and a man who was not entirely fond of my students, I should be upset that we apparently had a child on the way. I couldn't find it in me to be upset. I found instead that warmth filled my chest when I thought of her body growing full with my child. My child. I liked the sound of that.

"Severus, I have something to tell you," Hermione said from where she was perched on the edge of an arm chair, pulling me out of my musings.

She looked terribly nervous. I reached out to taste the emotional climate, giving her the courtesy of private thought while she gathered herself for whatever it was she was going to say. I hoped it was the topic she had been so heavily avoiding.

"What is it?" I asked her.

"I've taken a test today, to be sure of something I've suspected might be the case for a couple weeks now." She rambled, her gaze drifting to the floor as she grew more nervous. "I should have been more responsible, and I'm very sorry. I know we've only been married for about three weeks now, but I seem to find myself pregnant."

"I know," I said quietly, a soft smile starting to play around my lips.

"I know I should have been taking a potion," she continued not seeming to have even heard me. "I've been so stupid, and now we've got a baby on the way. And other than a brief conversation by the lake we haven't really discussed if we even want children, let alone this early in the relationship."

"I do want them," I smiled. "Now seems as good a time as any."

"And it's not even conveniently timed to place the birth during summer or anything," she stuttered before my words seemed to catch up with her. "Wait…. What? You knew? You are okay with this? I don't understand Severus."

"I could feel your worry, and I may have listened in to see what it was about," I explained, opening my arms in invitation for her to join me in the chair. "I noticed the same things that you did as well as a few others, and though I hadn't seen the test you took today, I was already rather certain that you are pregnant."

"You're not upset?" she asked as she slid somewhat cautiously into my lap, though she did not protest me wrapping my arms around her.

"Whatever is there to be upset about," I asked her lightly. "Sure it wasn't planned, but so many things in life never are."

"Oh Severus, we're having a baby," she gushed before burying her head in my neck and promptly bursting into tears.

"Yes we are," I agreed, surprised to hear the emotion in my voice as I really let myself feel what it meant for my wife to be with child.

I had not yet met this child, and yet I knew that I possessed a fierce love for the boy or girl who I would greet in nine months. I felt protective and so very happy. I held Hermione more tightly to me as our many emotions bubbled up and seemed to fill the room around me. There would be a time for celebration, and a time for telling friends about our coming bundle of joy, but for now I just wanted to hold my wife.

"You know Ginny's going to think I've been pregnant this whole time after my obsession with her baby belly," Hermione mused quietly as she relaxed further into my embrace.

"To be fair, you well could have been, as we aren't entirely sure of your conception date, and won't be until we see a healer," I told her as I started rubbing soothing circles in her lower back as I could sense that it was hurting her even if she didn't say anything. "But we can certainly tell her it is a quite recent event if you wish."

"I don't really mind what she thinks one way or the other," Hermione sighed. "I do want to ask her all sorts of pregnancy questions now though. Molly too."

"I imagine you're going to clean out the library of reading material as well aren't you?" I said with a smile.

"I wouldn't be the woman formerly known as Hermione Granger if I didn't read every book on the subject," she giggled. "Not to mention I can pull from both magical and muggle books for this subject."

"I happen to know Poppy has a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting if you wish me to procure it for you," I offered lightly, knowing I would be reading all of these books as well.

"Mmmm, I'd like that Severus." She sighed. "Wouldn't that be a fun way of telling her too? Though we probably need to go into St. Mungos for a healer appointment don't we. Poppy's really only a pediatrician isn't she?"

"Yes, though in the wizarding world they are called children's healers," I chuckled. "Use the word pediatrician and Poppy is like to sniff your breath for a babbling beverage."

"I really do think their ought to be more cross over between magical and muggle medical care," Hermione mused, her hand seeming to instinctively go to her abdomen.

"I would not object to seeking both in relation to our child," I answered her unspoken question. "Mind you our child's magic could cause issues with electronic equipment. "

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there," she sighed tiredly. "For now I vote we sleep."

"I second the motion," I told her as I lifted her up bridal style and carried her to our bedroom.

I once again found that I was not tired when she was, but I was more than content to simply watch over my wife and now the mother of my child while both of them slept peacefully.


	44. A knot which I do not wish to untie

**I know it's been a long break, I must apologize. Not only did I just move into a new house, but I have been asked to have a piece produced at a local theatre and needed to actually take care of writing that before drifting back into the entertaining world of Fanfiction. I also sustained a concussion… so life has been interesting.**

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><p><em><strong>Song for this chapter: Arms Wide Open by Creed<strong>_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

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><p>"I'd like to tell Molly first on this one," I said as I rolled over in bed and snuggled a little closer to a still groggy Severus. "She's really become my mother in a way, and I feel like that means she should get to hear before my boss."<p>

"That's fine," Severus agreed in a throaty voice, causing me to chuckle at how different he sounded before his morning ablutions.

"I guess the only question then is, do you want to come with me, or would you like me to tell her myself." I continued.

"Well I do enjoy time spent with you," he said, leaving the second half about not enjoying time with the Weasley's unsaid. "But perhaps it would be more efficient if you went to tell Molly and during that time I took care of informing our employer and the school healer so they are both prepared for any issues that could arise. I could also get that book of Poppy's for you."

"I find your terms agreeable," I said in a mock serious voice before promptly bursting into a fit of giggles. "Or like you said to me about a recent bit of news, you could just traipse on down and tell Hagrid and he'll probably take care of the rest for you."

"Yes, well you could stop by to see little Mrs. Weasley and let her spill the beans to the world as well," Severus chuckled. "But I imagine Molly would prefer to hear it from you, much like Minerva would also like to hear it from the horse's mouth."

"I think technically I'm the horse in this situation, which is unflattering by the way, but surely Minerva will not be upset in hearing it from you?" I said as my laughter died away.

"I think we are both the horse," Severus countered. "The phrase after all is that 'we are pregnant' is it not?"

"Perhaps in the wizarding world," I mused. "I know my mother always argued with my father that she was the one that carried me for nine months not the both of them."

"Let's put a pin in that debate," Severus said as he sat up in the bed. "For eternity perhaps. I don't want to argue over 'whose child it is' ever really."

"Neither do I," I smiled easily. "It's both of ours."

He nodded with a light smile and slipped out of bed heading in the direction of the shower. I pulled on a simple pink sweater. After pairing it with jeans and a pair of sandals I was ready to head to the Burrow. I called goodbye toward the bathroom and I climbed into the floo, grateful yet again that Minerva had opened the castle to outside connections keyed to staff members for access, and thus saved me a trip down to the gates to apparate.

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><p>I nearly fell on top of Molly as I stepped out of the fireplace and discovered that she was scrubbing the hearth. I made to hop over her with the momentum I had gained from spinning around upon my arrival, but she went to stand up at the same time putting us in an awkward position where my leg was hiked up over her shoulder and my balance was teetering and my arms flailing about to keep me upright.<p>

"I need a camera!" Arthur chuckled as he hurried over to hook his arms under mine and help me balance while I pulled my leg back into a more appropriate position.

"I'm so sorry Molly," I said sincerely before I started laughing. "Apparently I fancy myself a hurdler."

"What's a hurdler?" Arthur asked while releasing his hold on me.

"I didn't realize that was a strictly muggle sport," I mused. "It's a person who runs and jumps over obstacles in their path. I was never very good at it when I was in primary school, so I haven't a clue why my instinct was to try and leap over Molly."

"What brought you hurdling out of the fireplace this morning anyway?" Molly asked. "Have you had breakfast?"

"I haven't actually," I answered as I started picking up her cleaning supplies for her. "But I came over to tell you something."

"Have a seat and I'll whip you something up," she smiled snatching the cleaning supplies away from me. "Has the morning sickness kicked in yet? Should I make something bland?"

"No it hasn't," I answered easily before my mind caught up with her words. "Wait, I haven't even told you yet, how did you know?"

"I knew the last time I saw you," Molly said, her face flushing with excitement. "You already had a bit of a glow, and you were obsessing with Ginny's baby bump which is just how I was at the beginning of each pregnancy I've ever had."

I stared at her stunned. Why hadn't she told me that she knew or at least suspected?

"I also had a feeling that the marriage had been consummated, and in my experience the forging of a complete soul bond tends to also lead to the birth of a child," Molly continued as she shuffled her supplies into the cupboard under the sink. "I wasn't sure if it would be the case for you and Severus, so I didn't say anything when you spoke to me about your suspicions."

"I never found anything about that in the books I read," I said stupidly, slipping into a seat at the table.

"I'm sure there is a lot that hasn't made it into the books," Molly sighed as she started to scramble some eggs. "And there is always the chance that couples haven't realized the two things are connected. I'm fairly certain they were as in our case two different methods of birth control failed rather spectacularly."

"That's probably enough about our sex life," Arthur chuckled, though his cheeks had grown a bit red. "Tell us, how are the two of you feeling about being pregnant?"

"Awed," I sighed happily. "Happy, excited, surprised, and perhaps a little overwhelmed."

"Sounds perfectly justified to me," Arthur smiled. "I struggle to picture what excitement looks like on the features of Severus Snape."

"Quite nice," I laughed. "He would never allow someone to see him as having gone soft, but I swear to you he was like a teddy bear last night. I think he is far more excited about this than he thought he would be."

"Have the two of you thought about how you want to approach childrearing?" Molly asked as she plated the eggs.

"Only in vague terms," I told her as I took the plate of eggs eagerly. "We talked about children once as we walked around the lake, and we discussed that neither of us wanted to raise children in the castle. I have to talk to Severus to see if we are still on the same page, but I think I'll be turning in my resignation so that I could be a stay at home mother."

"I've always supported that choice," Molly smiled as she joined me at the table. "I have never liked the idea of children being home alone. Though I suppose you couldn't really be alone in a castle."

"I'd like to get a real house to live in if I am not going to be teaching at the castle." I said, daydreaming of a yard with a tire swing. "Maybe in Hogsmeade, or the outskirts of London?"

"There is a property nearby for sale," Arthur offered lightly, not looking up from the paper he had collected from the center of the table. "It only houses a one bedroom farm house at the moment, but if a witch and wizard were to buy it that would be remedied rather quickly."

"I will mention it to Severus," I said, offering him a beaming smile.

I thought it was sweet how he didn't want to seem too possessive, but still wanted me nearby at the same time. I found I loved the idea of being so close to my surrogate parents, but who knew if Severus would be pleased with the idea. I would have to bring it up while he was in a very good mood.

"Mum, are you making eggs?" Ginny's voice called down the stairs, and my interested peeked, had she slept here the night before.

"Yes honey, I'll bring you some up," Molly called, and I notice that her brow constricted quickly. "Why don't you get back in bed?"

A partially muffled grumble floated down the stairs, but there were no steps coming down to the kitchen, so it seemed she had listened to Molly and gotten back into bed. I turned curious eyes on Molly and saw her fretting around the stove, clearly upset by the fact that Ginny had gotten out of bed though she wasn't saying anything.

"Is Ginny having a vacation?" I asked delicately, not wanting to ask the question that I was actually concerned with.

"She and Harry are staying her with us for the rest of the pregnancy," Arthur explained while Molly continued fussing with the eggs. "Work is forcing Harry to travel quite a bit right now, and we didn't want Ginny to be left alone considering."

"Considering?" I asked lightly.

"Ginny has been very ill," Molly said stiffly, her back still turned away, though it didn't hide the emotion in her voice. "The healer detected possible heart issues with the baby."

"She's supposed to be staying in bed," Arthur explained as Molly started viscously attacking the eggs with a spatula. "You know how Ginny is though, even dizzy spells can't keep her tucked away in bed for very long."

"It's not some cute little personality quirk Arthur, they could both die, and she's too stubborn to admit that a trip down the stairs for breakfast just isn't worth it," Molly snapped, slamming the pan onto a cool burner. "I can't handle this Arthur, she needs to listen."

"Do you want me to talk to her?" I asked quietly, trying to hide how nervous Molly's reaction was making me.

"No, I will talk to her, I need to take her breakfast up to her anyway," Molly snapped before she rounded on me and the anger fell out of her face. "I'm sorry Hermione, I don't mean to be snippy."

"It's okay Molly," I assured her, watching her with growing worry as she hurried up the stairs.

"It's not as dire a situation as it appears to be," Arthur explained quietly as he turned his attention to me. "She needs to stay in bed so she doesn't stress herself or the baby, but a trip from her bed to the top of the stairs isn't going to cause enough stress to either of them for any real issue. Molly is just struggling to understand the situation."

"Isn't there some potion that she could take, or a spell?" I asked, my eyes wandering to the ceiling, as if I could see the above room through the construction that separated us.

"There are surprisingly few things that a healer can do whilst a baby remains unborn," Arthur sighed. "I read up on a few muggle options but Molly doesn't even want to hear them. I have sent them along to Harry so he can try and bring it up with Ginny and perhaps have a little more luck."

"Is there anything I can do?" I asked.

"Honestly, just visiting with her would help, I know she's bored out of her mind," he said with a light chuckle, though I saw there were still lines of worry around his eyes.

"Do you think I should perhaps hold off telling her my bit of news," I asked him quietly as Molly's footsteps on the stairs.

"You should tell her," he said with a smile. "She suspected as well as Molly, so she'll be quite happy to hear she was right. She could use a bit of cheering up to be honest."

"Ginny wants you to go up and see her," Molly said as she joined us in the kitchen. "If you need to get back for lessons I can let her know."

"There are no muggle studies lessons today," I said with a grin. "I will eventually have to go back to the castle to talk logistics with Severus, but for now I can devote my day to Ginny."

I slipped out of my chair and hurried up the stairs. I wondered vaguely if stairs would become a probably as I grew larger, but for now they seemed just fine as I jogged up them to check on Ginny. The door on the leading into Ginny's room was propped open, and I could see her sitting back against a stack of pillows with her breakfast in her lap before I entered the room. She was a little pale, but other than that you could hardly tell that there was anything wrong with her.

"Don't just hover in the doorway," Ginny chuckled. "Despite what my mother says I am not knocking on death's door. Come sit with me, I'm dying for a bit of girl talk."

"So you have to stay in bed for the next four months?" I asked her with a quirked brow as I followed her instruction and went to sit on the foot of the bed. "You're going to lose your mind aren't you?"

"It's not so bad when Harry is here," she sighed as she scooped up a bit of egg on her fork. "Besides I won part of the battle. I have a doctor's appointment and Mum has agreed to let me walk down to the car to make the trip."

"I won't annoy you by asking if that's safe," I said lightly but with an air that reminded me quite a bit of Severus. "Instead I will ask how you and the little mister are feeling."

"Not too bad this morning," she said her hand going to her stomach as if it were second nature at this point. "I haven't had any dizzy spells at all this morning."

"Are you scared?" I asked.

"I go back and forth between terrified and resigned honestly." She admitted quietly. "I've been doing some reading, and it's a bit disturbing how high the infant mortality rate is."

"Well amongst magic folk anyway," I said lightly, laying a bit of the ground work for Arthur and Harry. "At least that's what I hear. Severus and I are planning to seek magical and muggle medical care."

"So you are pregnant then?" Ginny asked her face lighting up like a small child on Christmas.

"Yes," I gushed. "I'm just about a month along now, assuming I have the conception date right of course."

"And when would that be?" she asked with an evil grin.

"I assume its April 10th, the same date as the proposal but don't you dare tell Molly," I told her conspiratorially. "I suppose I won't know for certain until we have our first appointment and talk about due dates and all of that."

"My first appointment was so exciting," she mused, rubbing circled on her baby bump. "It took me long enough to realize that I was pregnancy rather than having a flu that at my first appointment I got to hear the heartbeat even though you are supposed to have to wait quite a while for that."

"What was it like?" I asked her my voice going all misty without my permission.

"I should probably say it's just like any other heartbeat, save being a little fast," she explained. "But it isn't. It's like... the first spell you ever cast, except its multiplied by about a thousand."

"What does it feel like?" I asked, somewhat embarrassed. "I already feel… different, but what will it be like later."

"At first I just felt changed because I knew I was pregnant," Ginny said. "But a few weeks into the pregnancy my magic connected to the magic growing in my son and it was like suddenly I could never be lonely. There is this person that is always with me. I wouldn't say that I can read his thoughts, but I can sort of feel what he feels as he grows and begins to experience more of the world around him."

She paused and I mused about how that connection would differ from the one I felt with Severus.

"I remember the change that happened when he was first able to hear," Ginny said and there was such reverence in her voice that she hardly looked the same girl I had gone to school with anymore. "We were sitting in the living room and Harry was talking to me about quidditch. Once minute it was just a normal evening, and the next minute our little James heard him and there was this striking wave of possessiveness and love. He hadn't even been born just yet, but he clearly already knows who his father is."

"Is it hard," I asked, this time feeling guilty. "Morning sickness, and a changing body, and everything that comes with creating life?"

"It's not easy, but there is no question as to if it is worth it," she beamed. "I've graduated Hogwarts, I've made it on to a competitive quidditch team, I have fought in the war against Voldemort, but nothing has felt as monumental as this does."

I was struck by how very different our lives had become. I could never say such a phrase as she had just done, but perhaps one days I would say something that equated to the same thing. Would I one day be speaking to a nervous young mother and telling her that nothing had changed my life as much as this? Not discovering I was a witch, or the horrible and destructive attack that had torn my soul from my body for such a long time, or perhaps even my return to the wizarding world. Would I find it more moving than my soul bond to Severus, or would it fall on the same level? I wanted all of the answers to my questions, but I would not have the answers for many months yet.

"What are you most worried about?" I asked Ginny quietly.

"This illness," Ginny admitted, and for the first time she looked feeble. "I've tried to play it cool with Mum, but I'm terrified. I've never had cause to try and understand how the human heart works, but now it's all I can think about. How it is supposed to work, and how my little James's doesn't seem to do that."

"What is the issue with his heart?" I asked her quietly, delicately.

"There were a lot of words that I didn't understand," Ginny said quietly, continuing the gentle circles on her stomach. "But what they all mean is that half of his heart it just too small. It's working double time to try and keep everything pumping."

I found no words to respond with. What did you say when someone told you that their child had a potentially fatal birth defect? How was it even possible to look them in the eye and think of how much pain they must be in? It wasn't. I couldn't.

"Oh Ginny," I groaned.

"I just keep telling myself that it will work out," she said, her eye fluttering closed at the threat of tears. "Something will work out, somehow the stars will align or magic will come through, or just something. I can't let myself think anything else of I will just stop."

"Keep the faith," I said with a smile even though neither of us were religious, it just seemed like the right thing to say.

"Hermione could you help Ginny down the stairs," Molly called up the stairs. "We'll need to head out soon if we are going to make it to St. Mungo's on time."

"Should be fun, it's like trying to maneuver a bloated hippogriff," Ginny chuckled as she shuffled herself out from under the blankets.

"I don't know, I've not ever seen a hippogriff wearing a dress that manages to look both cute and comfortable." I shot off with a giggle of my own.

I understood a little better what she meant when it was time to maneuver the stairs. The Burrow stairs had always been cramped but they seemed to shrink when presented with the already very pregnant body of Ginny. In the end I had to walk backwards down the stairs while holding onto her arm that wasn't latched on to the railing. She could walk just fine, but I understood better why she wasn't allowed to use the stairs on her own when she got dizzy near the bottom and swayed on her feet before she latched onto my arm tighter and I helped her to regain her balance.

"Okay there?" I asked her quietly as we managed the last few steps with less speed.

"Yeah, just tired." She whispered. "Please don't tell mum or she'll levitate to the car again, and I swear I would kill to feel the grass beneath my feet for just a second."

"Is grass worth the risk?" I asked her in a hushed whisper as we shuffled the last bit of distance before we would enter the kitchen.

"That spell was just for a second," she replied easily. "It's the longer ones that we really have to worry about. Muuum, I said I wouldn't put on shoes until we got in the car!"

I turned to see what had set her off, and there was Molly advancing on us with a pair of sandals in her hands.

"I'm just coming to take Hermione's place," Molly grumbled. "Don't get yourself in a tissy. Honestly Ginny I don't know what's gotten in to you today."

"She's going to an appointment without Harry," Arthur pointed out quietly as he opened the door for the group. "If all we get is a fit over shoes I think we should count ourselves lucky."

And just like that the fight disappeared from Molly, and though Ginny looked a little sheepish the tightness of her shoulders released. I wondered if Arthur had read his wife before offering such a comment or if he was just simply that intuitive. Would Severus handle me just as easily if I worked myself into a fit? Could I do that to him?

I was still pondering the innumerable ways that a soul bond could change the way I maneuvered through my life when we stepped out into the yard, and I saw a Ginny that I hadn't seen in nearly a decade. It didn't matter that she was round with child or paler than I had ever seen a Weasley be, he face was suddenly years younger as she tilted her head up to the sun with a beaming smile and slid her feet smoothly through the grass beneath her.

"You can come along to the appointment if you want," Arthur told me quietly as Molly helped Ginny into the car. "We don't want to just run you off or anything."

"No that's okay," I told him with a soft smile. "I don't think I am composed enough, and the last thing she needs right now is for me to burst into tears while she's confronted with more information about congenital heart defects."

"It's pretty scary," Arthur admitted as he started to work his way towards the car. "We're still trying to perfect the game face so that we don't increase the anxiety. Harry is much better at it."

"Harry Potter?" I asked with a bit of a scoff. "The boy famous for his fiery temper?"

"People change," Arthur shrugged, and I wondered if he was talking about me too.

"Yes they do," I nodded, but my mind wandered to a softer Severus instead of lingering on the ways that I had hardened. "I'll try to stop by soon, and maybe I can drag daddy along."

"We'd love to have Severus over again," Arthur chuckled. "Maybe this time he will actually take a seat at the table."

"Oh I don't know, that's a bit of a venture, three feet away from the wall?" I chuckled. "Is it alright if I floo back from the kitchen?'

"Of course Hermione," he called back before slipping into the car and starting the engine.

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><p>"Well it looks like you're due date is roughly January first," healer Jones said as she folded the blanket on the bottom of the bed and tapped my legs in a silent announcement that I could put them down.<p>

"A New Year's baby," Severus chuckled light and dark at the same time. "I'm sure he or she will really appreciate us for that one."

"It could lead to some very entertaining birthday parties," I offered with a shrug. "Besides, I always thought that Baby New Year was adorable."

"All babies are adorable," healer Jones pointed out as she started producing vials of potion from her pockets. "There however are not cute or tasty, but they are full of vitamins that all growing babies and their mother's need. It's very concentrated so just three drops a day. These should last through the duration of the pregnancy."

She stopped speaking, for which I was grateful because I was distracted by the sound of Severus's thoughts whispering in the back of my mind. _Not a drop of that until I've tested it_ he was thinking, and I could feel his growing discontentment over ceasing to brew for the hospital. Clearly he didn't trust whoever was brewing for them to do a good job, but after my visit with Ginny I wasn't so sure I wouldn't rather be taking plain old prenatal vitamins.

"I'd like to see you back in a month, but don't hesitate to floo call me or come in if there is anything out of the ordinary or disconcerting," healer Jones said as she stepped towards the concealed opening in the privacy screen.

"Thank you," I told her with a smile and as soon as she was gone I turned to Severus. "How long do we have before we have to be at the other appointment?"

"About ten minutes," he told me as he produced my clothes for me to put them back on. "We'll be cutting it close without apparition."

"Well healer Jones didn't seem to think it would be detrimental," I conceded. "Perhaps I've been a bit over cautious after my visit to the Burrow."

"I wish I had gone with you," he sighed in frustration. "At least you would not have been alone while hearing a horror story about pregnancy."

"Well you're with me now," I said with a soft smile. "And you're a potion's master, and we are going to the best doctors either of our worlds can offer, I have faith that we will not suffer the same fate. Besides little James will be fine. He can't be anything else."

"Certainly not," Severus said with conviction, but I didn't miss the twitch of his brow that betrayed what he really thought.


	45. For Yesterday is but a Dream

_**Song for this chapter: Riverside by Agnes Obel**_

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

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><p>In my distraction after Hermione left to tell the Weasleys about our exciting news I did not pay particular care to dressing, and I immediately noted the surprise on Minerva's face when she answered my knocking at her office door. I looked down and smirked. I didn't look particularly strange in my slacks and white shirt, but to someone who had not seen me out of my frock coat in twenty years my appearance was likely to be very different. I couldn't help but chuckle as I followed her into her office.<p>

"You must be coming to herald the end of the world," she chuckled as she slid into the seat behind her desk. "What with your laughing, and the fact that I haven't seen you in such a state of undress since your first year of school where you gradually learned to like the tie in your uniform."

My hand went instinctively to my throat to touch where the tie would have been and I laughed again. How well she remembered me! I folded my hands in my lap and let the shock of a second bit of laughter fade from her face before I began to speak.

"Not the end of the world at all," I assured her. "But it is the beginning of an entirely different one."

"You have news," she said shrewdly with her smile growing as she tried to read me even though she know she would not be able to.

"I do," I nodded with the hint of another smile. "Hermione is with child."

There was a beat of silence where the news seemed to settle upon her, and then to look at her face was akin to watching the sun rise over the mountains.

"Oh Severus," she chirped as the smiling face was broken by the tremble of a lower lip and happy tears springing to her eyes. "I never dare to daydream of you as a father, and Hermione as a mother! I am so happy for the both of you."

"Thank you Minerva," I said with a dip of the head. "So many things will change now, but I could not be happier."

"So what sort of changes should I expect as your boss?" she asked, her excitement hardly diminished.

"Hermione and I need to have an earnest discussion about it, but I am certain you are losing at least her as she expressed that she does not wish to be a working mother," I explained while I wondered at what I really wanted. "I am torn between wanting to raise my child outside of the castle, and wanting to honor the position I have taken as deputy headmaster."

"Well you certainly need to discuss it with your wife," Minerva said quietly. "But I might point out, with the headmistress in residence it would not be completely out of the question for the deputy to retire off the castle grounds most evenings."

"That will certainly be taken into consideration," I said with a nod. "I need to go collect a certain book from Poppy, if you'll excuse me."

* * *

><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

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><p>Telling Minerva that I planned to leave was harder than I thought it would be. I had never been a student to get called to the head's office for trouble, but I imagined I understood what that might feel like as I made my way up to her office for that meeting. Severus had assured me that our decision would be taken well, but I was still terrible nervous.<p>

"Good morning Hermione," Minerva said as I took my seat before her desk. "Or would you prefer I call you Mrs. Snape?"

"I still have not begun having my students call me that," I chuckled. "I'd allow you to call me that of course, but I prefer not to be so formal with you."

"Of course," she said with a smile. "I just love to think about the two of you married, and with a baby on the way no less. Perhaps it is age, but I find myself acting more like an excited grandmother than an employer."

"You aren't nearly old enough to seem a grandmother to me," I laughed. "I hope you will still feel so doting after this conversation though."

I could see that my words seemed to tell her my decision already, but she continued to smile and wait for me to actually say it.

"Severus and I have talked a lot about it," I said finally, battling against my nerves. "And neither of us want to raise our child strictly within the castle. We want to make a home for him or her. I personally want to be at home with our child until it is time for him or her to attend Hogwarts."

"I bet you can't wait until you can say one gender of the other," Minerva chuckled, surprising me with what she chose to respond with.

"You aren't upset?" I asked her, honestly surprised.

"No, I've already begun picturing you at home with the baby," Minerva beamed. "Just that image makes the search for your replacement bearable."

"Give me some time on that, I have a person in mind but I need to feel them out to see if they're interested," I told her quietly.

"Well I look forward to hearing it," Minerva said as she inclined her head toward the door, and I turned to see that Severus was standing in the doorway waiting for me. "I believe you are needed elsewhere my dear."

"Ah yes, it's doctor time," I chuckled. "OBGYN today isn't it love?"

"It is indeed," he said with a nod. "We need to leave now if we are going to catch a cab from the Leaky Cauldron in time."

"I thought apparition was safe this early in the pregnancy," Minerva said, seemingly genuinely concerned.

"It is, but considering how delicate pregnancies can be we thought it be not to risk it," Severus said quietly, and I wondered if Minerva knew about Ginny when her face darkened slightly.

"Well travel safely," Minerva said in closing. "See you tonight at the staff meeting."

* * *

><p>I kept nervously waiting for the morning sickness and the crazy mood swings, but blessedly they never seemed to come. Sure my mood was slightly more volatile, but I had yet to burst into tears over the morning paper or rage at Severus for something trivial. I found that I was hungry more often, but it wasn't for strange foods other than the occasional craving for liver which Severus seems to find absolutely revolting. I was occasionally more tired, but mostly I just felt happy and energetic and somehow buoyed up by the fact that there was a child growing inside of me.<p>

That energy carried over into carrying out plans. I turned in a tearful notice of my intent to leave the school, but followed it with a glowing review to Agatha Johnston, the seventh year I suggested as my replacement in the fall. The bubbly happiness that I felt seemed to be nearly infectious, to the point that Severus was actually openly smiling even in the presence of the real estate agent who took us to look at the house in Ottery St. Catchpole. The excitement was at such a height that I wasn't entirely sure who had told the woman we would take the house first.

"Do you think you will hate it?" I asked Severus as we enlarged the boxes we had brought with us and began depositing them in their corresponding rooms. "Living so close to Molly and Arthur."

"No, I find them at least tolerable," he chuckled darkly. "Besides we are not moving into the Burrow are we?"

"No we aren't," I smiled as I set my box of dishes on the kitchen counter. "Do you want to name our house as well?"

"No," he said with a sense of finality but without a sense of malice. "I think the address is a suitable moniker."

* * *

><p>The end of the year seemed to come very quickly, but the days seemed longer at the same time. I had started researching baby James's heart condition, and it had landed me with daily letter's from Ginny. Now that she'd been convinced to pursue muggle medicine, much to Molly's dismay, she wanted all of the information she could get her hands on. Apparently she trusted the information coming from me better than she did from her doctor, so I had Harry owl me all of the information they had been given, and I simply told her the same things. In order to send to information on in my own handwriting I had to read the information Harry was sending me, and it was absolutely terrifying.<p>

"Severus come here," I shouted from where I was snuggled up in the couch with a blanket and a book on congenital heart defects.

"Yes?" he said, stepping out of the bathroom, still drying his hair with a towel and momentarily distracting me clad in only a pair of sweat pants.

"How in the world am I supposed to tell Ginny that in cases of Hypoplastic left heart syndrome the child is most often dead within the first few weeks of life?" I moaned, tossing the book on the ground. "Going the muggle route was supposed to help her, but even with open heart surgery the odd only get 25% better."

"I think you'll need to sugar coat it a bit," he said, sitting on the lip of the stairs that led down to my chair and looking pensive. "She needs to stay as calm as possible to help the baby, but you can't keep the facts from her. Present the option of heart surgery as helping the odds without actually telling her how bad the odds are."

"How can you think about this so clearly," I asked him softly, picking up my quill to begin following his instructions. "I read this stuff and I just get so… I don't even know the right word for it honestly."

"Well for one thing I don't have to battle my hormones while reading about sick babies, but the reason I am able to keep my cool is by thinking of it only as statistics, not allowing it to be real," he said as he sat the towel across his lap and picked up the book from the floor. "I wish you'd let me write these letters instead. I don't like you getting so upset because of this."

"Ginny only listens to me, for some strange reason," I grumbled.

"You are intelligent and from a muggle background, not to mention and old friend." Severus sighed. "It makes perfect sense that she would trust you when scared, rather than some muggle doctor that she had never met until she was in this terrifying situation."

"Which is why I have to send her this information Severus," I sighed, leaning my head against the chair back.

"I can learn to forge your handwriting," Severus offered lightly. "I'm actually rather good at that."

"If the reading gets much worse I'll let you," I promised. "I'm okay right now though."

"Will you at least leave it until tomorrow afternoon," he asked somewhat grumpily as he reached out to steal my parchment and quill. "We've got appointments with both doctors and they're early. You should rest."

"Ok," I sighed, letting him pull me up out of the chair. "We get to learn the gender tomorrow don't we?"

"Yes we do," Severus said, a smile creeping onto his face.

* * *

><p>I had gone to bed with hopeful dreams about baby boys and baby girls, wondering which one I was supposed to call my own. It had been a warm and fuzzy place to rest in, but I found those feelings quickly bleeding away in the light of day. In the light of day, things seemed to be tipping on to their side, becoming hard to see properly.<p>

"I'm not saying that you need to panic, or really even worry," the healer said, perhaps trying to coax some color back into my skin. "It could mean any number of things."

"Are we having a squib?" I asked, glad that my voice did not betray me. "Is that why I don't feel any sort of connection? Is that why no magical signature is registering on the tests?"

"It's a possibility," the healer said gravely, and to her it seemed that was a death sentence.

"That's not so bad is it Severus," I said turning to look at Severus who was holding my hand. "We could raise a child who doesn't have magic couldn't we?"

"Of course we could," he said in a deep voice, looking up from our entwined hands to meet my eyes. "Magic is superfluous, we do not need it."

It touched my heart to hear him say that, after the battles we had over my own magic not so long ago. It showed the depth of his love for our child that he would give up something that was so important to him entirely if it would help our child. I glowed with love for him, almost brightly enough to damper the despair that I felt at what our child would miss out on.

"Is there anything we need to do to protect the baby," Severus asked, drawing me out of my reverie. "Is there a danger without the magical protection a baby is supposed to garner from its mother?"

"No Hermione's body will still protect your child," the healer said confidently. "Right now you just need to think about changes that might need to be made for the future."

"You still haven't told us the gender," I pointed out when she began to step away from the bed.

"There is an incompatibility between your body and the babies due to the presence of magic in only one person," she said carefully. "While this does not have an adverse effect on the babies health, it does create a barrier that does not allow me to see into your uterus properly. I am unable to determine the sex at this point. Perhaps at the next appointment."

I nodded, a bit disappointed but not devastated that I would have to wait.

"Set up an appointment before you leave," she instructed. "I want to see you again in a couple weeks."

This time it was Severus who nodded, and she left us. He helped me up, and I pretended not to notice that he was handling me more delicately than normal. With his aid I changed from the green and white hospital gown back into my track pants and sweater. It wasn't the most professional outfit, but I was officially big enough now that I needed to go shopping for some maternity clothes, especially if we weren't going to be doing magic around the baby.

"Do you want to give up magic entirely," Severus asked as he produced my shoes from under the bed. "Or just around the baby?"

"I don't know honestly," I mused as I slid my shoes on. "We should think about it before we make up our minds. I think I will avoid using magic during the pregnancy at least. I don't want to increase the incompatibility or anything."

"I sincerely hope that was a poor word choice on her part," Severus grumbled as he took my arm in his and lead me out of the ward. "I suppose we'll find out in just a bit though won't we?"

* * *

><p>I must have zoned out while trying to process what we had heard. One minute I was walking out of the ward in St. Mungos and the next I was propped up on the muggle exam table, already dressed in the paper gown with Severus holding my hand once more.<p>

"The doctor should be in shortly," Severus told me quietly. "How are you doing?"

"Ok I guess," I sighed, squeezing his hand. "It's a lot to take in I guess."

"It's going to be just fine," Severus assured me softly, just as the door opened to reveal our doctor rolling in the ultrasound machine.

"Good morning Mr. and Mrs. Snape," she said with a beaming smile. "Are you ready to find out your babies gender today?"

"Yes," I smiled, hoping that we really would find that out.

"How have things been?" she asked as she set up beside the bed, taking up residence on her soul. "Still feeling alright?"

"No vomiting, no drastic mood swings, not even terribly tired anymore," I assured her with a smile. "If I weren't putting on weight so quickly I'd think I wasn't even pregnant."

"Oh you're definitely pregnant," she chuckled as she positioned the gown around my rounded belly and gave me a look that was meant to remind me that the gel was cold before she squirted a bit of it on to my skin. "You'll see the baby in just a minute and that will erase your doubts."

Severus chuckled, but then turned his eyes toward the monitor that was still showing a black screen. The room seemed to fill with a wooshing sound, as the doctor began moving her mechanical wand over my stomach, and eventually we were gifted with the sound of a beating heart.

"There's the heartbeat," the doctor said with a smile in her voice as she focused on the monitor while moving the wand around more. "In a second I should have a good image… just need to get the right angle so you can see the—"

She stopped talking altogether and leaned in to look closer at the monitor. I glanced at her, and noticed almost instantly that the smile had left her face, and her eyes were squinted in concentration. I began to grow alarmed when she reached out to freeze the image, but quickly turned the machine so only she could see the screen.

"What is it?" Severus asked, and there was venom clearly present in his voice as he saw her attempt to hide whatever it was she was seeing on the monitor.

"Well, your baby is a girl," she said breathlessly, and I felt no joy at this information due to her bloodless face that she was quickly trying to make look professional. "But it appears that she has anencephaly."

"What is that?" I asked, unfamiliar with the term.

"It's a condition where neural tubes don't close properly," she explained, her panic draining away as she went into explanation mode, regurgitating facts to us. "It means that the forebrain does not develop. Other than essentially the stem, there is no brain."

The air seemed to leak out of the room as her explanation sunk in, though I was well aware that the beeping on the monitor increased as my racing heart affected our daughter.

"She lives and grows," the doctor went on, drawing my focus away from the way Severus was gripping my hand tightly. "But no conscious will develop as the part of the brain that controls higher-level cognition will never exist. It is very rare that Anencephalic babies survive birth without a skull to protect them through the transition. Those who survive the ordeal often die within a few hours."

"How does this even happen?" Severus asked, his voice almost guttural, my eyes snapping to his and seeing that they were drowning in pain.

"It is a genetic condition, very rare." She answered almost robotically. "There is debate to the true cause. It could be hereditary, sometimes medications the mother has to take for medical conditions can cause it, it has been speculated that lead poisoning can be a cause. It's impossible to know what has cause this in Mrs. Snape, though we can rule out medication as she does not have epilepsy."

"Does it hurt her?" I asked in a strangled voice of my own, feeling my eyes sting with tears that wished to fall. "Does she ache from her damaged head?"

"No," Dr. Neely breathed. "These babies are usually blind, deaf, unconscious, and unable to feel pain. There are reflexive movements such as breathing, and responding to sounds, but that is as close to cognizant as your child will come."

"What is the recommended course of action?" Severus asked, and his voice sounded hard and full of ice.

"It comes down to your preference," she said tightly. "Many parents choose to abort such a baby. The others allow the baby to be born and spend the short time they might get with the child before they pass."

"I think we should abort," Severus said stiffly, and what little air remained in my lungs was crushed out of me.

"How can you even say that," I gasped at him, immediately pulling the light blanket over me and protectively shielding my stomach. "This is our daughter."

"Our daughter is not alive within her own body," Severus ground out, his eyes tight as he met mine. "It would be wrong to put her through the ordeal of birth only to die in the end anyway."

"Letting her die naturally and brutally murdering her are not the same thing," I shouted at him, anger burning through me and keeping the tears at bay. "I will not kill her."

"This isn't a decision that has to be made today," Dr. Neely interjected. "It's clearly something that the two of you need to think about and discuss, why don't we hold off on any sort of decision until our next appointment? Say a week from now?"

"Perhaps that's best," Severus said stiffly as he stood from his seat and began collecting my clothes for me. "We shall set up an appointment with your receptionist."

"You can call me anytime if you need to talk about this," she said as she turned off her machine and began to push it toward the door. "Either of you."

And just like that she had left us alone, and I lost my battle with my tears. The anger was gone and all I felt was misery as I cried, and wiped the gel that I now hated from my stomach. I could feel that Severus was upset but I had no comfort to offer him. I was drowning in my own pit of despair.

"Let me help you," he said quietly as he began removing my hospital gown.

His hand brushed against my stomach, and I felt his emotional tremble before he made a choking sound, and suddenly he was on his knees with his face pressed to my stomach, sobbing uncontrollably. I ran my fingers through his hair in an effort to soothe him, but I cried just as desperately. I fell apart at the realization that I had been spared the negatives of pregnancy because my baby wasn't developing like it should be. Why should I be grateful to escape morning sickness if it meant that my daughter would never be whole?

"I would kill Lucius again if I could," Severus huffed when his tears finally stopped and he began to help me dress once more.

"What?" I questioned, nearly delirious with my grief and unable to understand what he was saying to me.

"You did have lead poisoning before," Severus said gruffly. "From his knife wounds, and apparently when I healed you I did not cure that entirely, and now our child has no brain."

My tears were renewed at the realization that this was my fault. My body had done this to our child. I hurt for my guilt, but I also hurt for the implicit accusation in my husband's words. I felt perhaps I should apologize to him but my throat seemed to have closed, unable to allow any sound that was not a painful cry.

"I'll have to walk us out of here so we do not break any statutes, but then I will apparate us back to Hogwarts," Severus whispered softly into my ear, and I couldn't understand why he was being nice to me when he must hate me so. "I'll get your safely home soon, I promise."

I nodded my head dumbly, and stood. He tucked me under his arm, and I buried my face in his chest when I was unable to stop the tears. I clutched him tightly and let him lead me where ever he chose to, and I barely registered the world around me. I felt the change when we stepped outside as a slight breeze ruffled my hair, and then I knew we were apparating because of the pressure. My tears grew stronger when it dawned on me that Severus was no longer taking precautions with our child because he saw no point.

I felt the heat of a warm summer day at Hogwarts, and I tried to still my tears but it was no use. I manage to quiet my voice, but they still streamed down my face. The flowed stronger when I saw the children who were enjoying a weekend break from studying from exams running about on the grounds. They were so happy, and it felt as if their laughter actually pierced my heart. They could never understand the kind of pain that I felt right now, and I hoped they never would.

I felt magic ripple over me, and I knew instinctively that Severus had cast a notice-me-not charm on us as we began to cross the grounds. I felt an impulse to go out into the lake that I doubted I could explain to anyone. I was devastated, and I felt hopeless, and alone, and somehow I just felt that the water would make me feel better. It wasn't something I could really even explain to myself, let alone anyone who had never felt the way that I felt right now. Ginny perhaps could understand what I felt, but even she had a chance of knowing her son. She even knew him in some ways already, because her Son had a mind that she could connect to.

It was laughable that I had pitied Ginny. I couldn't even bring myself to imagine what she might think to hear this development in my pregnancy. I didn't think I could tell her. I didn't think I could tell anyone. I wasn't even sure I could have another conversation about this with Severus. I just wanted to hide away and pretend it was not real.

Some part of Severus must have understood what I was feeling, because he took me directly to our chambers and tucked me into bed. He wrapped the blankets tightly around me before he lay down on top of them and held me tightly to him. We lay there together in the darkness, not having bothered to light a lamp, and the silence was broken only by the sound of our tears. I felt there should be more sound as the world ended, and yet silence seemed somehow fitting as well.


	46. Greater than our worst fears

_**Songs for this chapter: She Went Quietly by Charlie Winston(SPOV) and Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson (HPOV)**_

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

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><p>Once, when Hermione left me, I thought the world had ended. I found that I wished I had not lived long enough to discover what the real end of the world felt like. The weight in my chest, the pain in ever part of my body, the horrible realization that there would be no baby: that was the end of the world. Hermione didn't seem able to pull herself out of bed, and I didn't have it in me to try and make her. Instead I stayed in the bedroom with her, save for collecting meals the house elves had made, and pulling the both of us into the bathroom for ablutions. I had Flitwick observing the examinations for my classes, and Minerva was covering for Hermione. A simple note informing her that something had gone very wrong with the pregnancy had been all Minerva had needed.<p>

In the first few days, Hermione never even spoke. She just cried and held on fiercely to her stomach like someone would rip the child from her womb if she let go of her vigilance for even a moment. I struggled to understand the action. She seemed to feel she was protecting our daughter, but to me it seemed she was prolonging her torture. This was wrong. Keeping this child alive when it was not really living felt criminal if I were to be honest. But my love for Hermione kept me from saying those words out loud.

By the time she had been in bed for six days straight I had to put a stop to it. Both because it didn't seem to be good for her, and because we needed to discuss what we were going to do before going to our appointment in London the next day. I had to wake her out of the strange haze she seemed to be living in, but after prolonged eye contact she seemed to come back to me a bit. I began to taste emotions in the air around us again, so I knew she was at least allowing herself to feel something.

"Do you want something to eat?" I asked her when she sat up and created a nest for herself amongst the pillows.

"I'm not hungry," she said in a hoarse voice. "I just want to go back to sleep. I can't bear being awake Severus."

"You can sleep after we talk," I told her quietly. "We need to discuss what our course of action is before we go to that doctors appointment tomorrow."

"What is there to discuss," she said stiffly, a feeble anger flickering through her before drowning in her sadness. "There are still six months left in this pregnancy. There will be other appointments, but the actions of taking care of my body and our baby won't change much."

"I can't just sit by and pretend that there isn't something wrong here," I said, fighting to keep my voice absolutely calm. "Keeping our daughter alive like this is wrong Hermione."

"No killing our daughter is wrong!" she shouted at me, and she was suddenly vibrant in her anger. "It is murder."

"But it's okay to torture her instead?" I snapped, no longer bothering to sound calm either. "Why would you want to prolong a half-life, only to have our child die brutally during birth, or tragically right after."

"Because it isn't our choice if she lives or dies!" Hermione screeched at me, and the tears started again, my anger wavered in the sight of her pain but I could not ignore my own pain.

"She will die no matter what we do!" I yelled back. "You are being selfish to keep her alive like this. It's wrong!"

"Get out!" she shouted, throwing pillows at me before she collapsed in on herself sobbing. "Get away! I hate you! I hate you!"

"You don't hate me Hermione," I said in a hollow voice, unsure of how to respond to this new outburst. "I love you, and you love me."

"No! I don't!" she sobbed. "I can't love you like this. I can't love the man who wants to murder my baby!"

"It is our baby," I said in a disturbingly calm voice that was in direct contrast to my actions as I bolted out of my chair leaving it toppled on the floor. "OUR baby is dying! OUR baby should not be tortured. I love you very much, but right now I am so angry with you that I can hardly see straight."

"Just go away," she begged me as she pulled the blanket over her head and her sobbing grew louder.

"Fine," I whispered, my heart feeling torn in two when I felt her emotions and realized that at this moment she really did hate me.

I slipped out of the room to leave her too it. If she didn't want me here I wouldn't force my company on her. Maybe I should walk of my own emotions anyway. I was dangerously close to crying again. A little air would do me some good. Or so I thought. Apparently with air, came Minerva.

"Severus you can't walk around the castle like that," she said briskly while holding open a tapestry and motioning for me to step inside.

I did so, and looked down to realize that I had apparently left our chambers without shoes on, wearing sweatpants, and my teaching shirt hanging open with my chest exposed. As the tapestry swung closed behind us I began to do up the buttons on my shirt.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize what I was wearing," I said in the most aloof voice I could muster.

"Where were you going?" she said, but I knew she really wanted to know what had me so distracted that I wouldn't even notice my own clothing.

"I have no idea," I admitted, allowing myself to slump against the wall as I ran my hand through my hair.

"Severus what has happened," she asked quietly stepping slightly closer as if she were tempted to pull me in to an embrace.

"Our baby has no brain," I told her, horrified to hear that my voice cracked. "If it were even to live long enough to be born, it would die within a few short hours. In essence she is already dead."

Minerva went rigid as my words sunk in, and then suddenly I was wrapped up in her arms. There was tartan fabric pressed against my cheek and the faint smell of patchouli filled my nose. Her hand brushed my hair to the side as she cradled my head and it was my undoing. I fisted the back of her robe in my hand and a terrible keening escaped my throat before I could stop it. My eyes were burning as I fought to keep the tears at bay.

"It's okay Severus, I won't tell anyone," she murmured into my hair, and that seemed to be the magic phrase I was waiting for.

I cried in earnest and I told her everything that had happened between Hermione and I since we had found out. I recounted to fight to her, and how terrible everything felt. It was as the tears had begun to dry, and the words were dying on my lips when I noticed that something was wrong. Not with Minerva, she responded to my changing emotions like the professional she was maneuvering me as easily as she would an upset student. No, what was wrong was that I began to notice a roaring in my ears.

"No," I gasped, interrupting whatever encouragement Minerva might have been giving me.

"What is it Severus?" she asked me, looking confused.

"She wouldn't," I gasped, clapping my hand against my ear in an attempt to stop the ringing sound but it only grew louder.

"Who wouldn't do what?" Minerva pushed.

"I think she's leaving me." I called over my shoulder as I began racing back to the dungeon.

I knew that I wouldn't make it in time. Her mind would have to be well and truly made up for the roaring to have started. As I stepped back into my sitting room it reached a pitch so loud that I could hear nothing else, and I imagined that meant she was no longer present on the castle grounds. My theory was proved correct when I saw the last of the green flame dying out in our fireplace. I looked around the empty room for some sort of sign, but there was nothing.

I walked on dead legs into the bedroom, and saw the evidence of her hasty departure. The wardrobe still hung open, revealing that only my clothes were present. The bed was a mess, and on top of it sat a note that I was fairly sure I didn't want to read when I saw her ring sitting on top of it. I instinctively reach out of my own ring and ran my fingers over it attempting to soothe myself. My hand shook as I reached out for the note, taking her ring into one hand and the note into another. I saw that the note was spotted with her tears.

_Severus,_

_I just can't do this. Maybe we moved to fast. Clearly we have very different ideas about life and love. I know I said some awful things during our fight, and while I didn't mean them truly, I meant them enough to realize that I can't be with you like this. I can't kill our baby, and I don't think I can spend my time with someone who could do that so easily. I will always love you, but I don't think I should be wearing your ring when I feel as I do._

_Hermione_

I slid her ring onto my pinky finger and clasped her note tightly into my hand. There were apparently no tears left to fall, but the roaring in my ears reached a whole decimal level. I collapsed onto the bed, and buried my head in the blankets that still smelled like her. I wished that the earth would open up and swallow me whole. There seemed to be little point in walking the earth when there was nothing left to me. My wife was gone. My child would soon be gone. The happiness I had found in this life was gone.

"Severus?" Minerva's voice called out to me, and I knew without opening my eyes that she must be in the room if I was actually able to hear her over the roaring.

I didn't even bother answering her, or looking at her, I just produce the hand clutching Hermione's note from where it had been buried beneath my chest and offered it to her. It crossed my mind that I should let her be privy to such private information, but I couldn't find it in me to care. I couldn't feel embarrassed of ashamed that she knew. All I felt was pain.

"She'll come around," Minerva said, barely audible over the roaring in my ears, as she tucked the blankets around me. "Just hold on, and stay here at the castle as long as you need. I wasn't planning to leave this summer anyway."

I didn't respond to her, but I didn't fight her when she tucked the blanket up under my chin and patted my hair lightly either. Eventually she must have left because I found myself alone in my bedroom. And I guess it was just mine once more. No matter what Minerva said, I highly doubted Hermione would be coming back.

It was far too quiet without the sound of her breathing beside me.

* * *

><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

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><p>Packing my things to leave and writing that note to Severus was a blur. The world around me seemed to be a whirl of flashing colors and strange sounds, until suddenly I found myself on all fours in the kitchen of the Burrow with my bag of possessions on the floor beside me, and great suffocating tears falling from my eyes as I struggled to hear anything but the roaring in my ears. The roaring was so loud that when Arthur pulled me up off the floor, I could see through tear blurred eyes that he was speaking to me but I couldn't hear a word that he was saying.<p>

I cried pitifully as he pulled me like a rag-doll into his lap and sat at the table with me, rocking me as if I were a small child. I should have been embarrassed to see that Harry was seated at the table staring at me, and Molly was frozen in shock before the stove, but I just clung to Arthur's vest and cried until there were no tears left, and the roaring faded back enough that I could hear speech if only slightly.

"Hermione, what has happened," Arthur asked gently, with a tired patience that told me he had already asked this question more than once.

Now that I could hear him, I knew I should answer him, but forcing my voice through the vice that was my throat was harder than it should have been.

"I needed to go somewhere he would never go," I finally choked out.

"Where is your wedding ring?" Molly asked delicately from across the kitchen

"I left it with Severus," I sobbed, pulling myself tighter against Arthur, and relaxing only slightly when he wrapped his arms more securely around me and rubbed my back against the renewed sobs.

"Just breathe Hermione," he said so softly I almost didn't hear it. "What happened sweetheart."

"When we found out what was wrong with the baby he wanted to kill her," I choked. "And we rowed, and he still wanted too, and he says I'm just torturing her, and I just can't. I can't be with him like this."

There was a terrible sort of silence in the kitchen, as we all fell silent. The only sound I heard was within my own ears, so I imagine it was eerily silent to everyone else.

"What is wrong with the baby?" Harry asked finally, in a strangled voice that made me wonder if I should even tell him when he was still so worried about his son who would be born in just two months now.

"Anencephaly," I choked, attempting to dry the tears on my cheeks with the sleeve of my sweater jacket.

"I've never understood those medical terms very well," Harry said tightly.

"She doesn't have a brain," I growled, suddenly angry at having to explain it, before my grief replaced it once more, and great choking sobs stole my breath away.

Silence reigned again. I suppose that made sense. What were you supposed to say to something like that anyway. Arthur just rocked me a bit more fiercely and at some point Molly appeared and began pulling my hair up to get it out of my face. It was such a motherly thing to do, in the end it didn't actually fix the problem but it made me feel better. At least it did until it occurred to me that I could never do this for my daughter.

"Can I stay here?" I asked in a throaty voice whn I had my tears back under control. "I'd go to the house down the way, but he might look for me there, and I can't see him right now."

"You can stay here as long as you need to," Molly and Arthur said at the same time.

"I'll help her up to a bed," Harry said carefully as he offered me a hand from where I was cradled against Arthur's chest. "You look like you could use a rest Hermione."

"Maybe, or a shower or something. I'm a right mess aren't I?" I huffed as I let him pull me to my feet, and tried to just focus on putting one foot in front of the other.

Harry scooped up my bag somehow managing not to jostle me at all as he did so, and then led me slowly up the stairs. For a moment it was quiet save for the sound of the stairs creaking beneath our feet, but as he took me further from the kitchen he began to speak.

"I don't want to upset you further so I promise to only say this once," he prefaced, and I grew nervous. "You have every right to be upset, and even to be adamant about your opinion on how a terrible situation like this should be handled. I don't think those same choices should be taken from your husband though. If this were what was happening with Ginny and the baby I would still want to be a part of it no matter what the outcome was going to be. I would need to be a part of it. If you really don't love him anymore that's one thing, but if you do still love him, you must know that this will hurt him terribly."

I couldn't speak. In my gut I knew he had to be right, but I couldn't bring myself to say so. I couldn't bring myself to think of trying to go back to Severus now. I couldn't do anything other than grieve apparently.

"I've said my piece, so like I said I won't say it again," Harry said softly as he led me into the room that used to belong to Fred and George. "And I will take care of explaining the situation to Gin so you don't have to go through that again. I'm just down the hall, call out if you need something."

"Thank you Harry," I croaked as I slid down into the bed, instinctively wrapping my arm around my belly once more.

"Anytime," he said with a weak smile. "Just keep breathing."

He disappeared as soon as the reminded was past his lips, and I was alone again. I focused on the air moving in an out of my lungs so I would not succumb to the tears again. I thought about breathing as I rubbed my thumb over my now naked finger and continued to drown in the many emotions that were lapping at me like massive ocean waves.


	47. And at the end of all your lines

_**Songs for this chapter: I Don't Wanna Be Me by Amanda Clemens and Without You (cover)- Lea Michele**_

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><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

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><p>At some point day turned to night, and night turned back into day. I didn't sleep, I didn't move, I hardly breathed. I lay within the blanket cocoon Minerva had created for me and I grew steadily more sick with my sadness. If I were being honest I was mourning. I was mourning my daughter and my relationship with my wife. I was mourning my own life and my happiness. I was mourning a world where the prospect of pulling myself out of bed actually existed.<p>

When the water grew light enough outside my windows that I knew it must be midday I did drag myself from beneath the covers. I dressed in my teaching clothes, not caring that I would be going in to the muggle world. It felt as if I were running on autopilot as I flooed out of my chambers and into the leaky cauldron. We had an appointment today, and Hermione may no longer consider herself my wife, but that was still my child and I intended to be there.

If I had been anything close to human I might have shown some sort of reaction to the receptionist informing me that Hermione had rescheduled the appointment. But I was no longer a human, I was a ghost that found itself bound to a corporeal body. I walked blindly from the doctor's office and wondered where I was supposed to go now.

For a while I simply walked the streets of London, vaguely aware that I was drawing stares but simply not caring. Before, when she was gone, I was filled with rage, but this time there was nothing inside me. It was as if she had taken my soul with her when she left, and I was left this empty vessel hurting and unable to function. It was more than my love for her. I needed her on a level I could not even begin to fathom.

It was that thought that brought me to the home we had just purchased. I ignored my surroundings until I found myself standing in what would have been our kitchen if we were still together. Boxes littered the counters and the floor that we had yet to unpack. I looked around the empty house that seemed to have been abandoned in the middle of being inhabited and I felt at home. My surroundings reflected how I felt on the inside, so it was almost with a sigh of relief that I sank down onto the floor and wrapped my arms around my knees.

It was quiet here, and almost strange enough to keep me from thinking of her. I kept my eyes firmly closed, because every time I opened them I thought for sure that I saw here standing nearby or walking around in the other room. She was imprinted upon my soul, and she was haunting me now that I did not have her.

* * *

><p>The summer passed in strange dollops that I could not measure. I rarely left the floor in the kitchen but when I did it was to blindly unpack a box, or to lay flat on my stomach in the living room with the carpet rubbing against my cheek as I tried to hum louder than the ringing in my ears. I was rarely aware of sleeping, but I knew that I must be as I had not keeled over dead yet. I almost wished that I would.<p>

I received no word from Hermione, and I tried desperately not to think about her or the baby. It was a useless action, when I allowed myself to actually form thoughts they always turned to her. She had destroyed me in every way possible and yet wondered if she was okay. I wanted to know how she was feeling. I wanted desperately to let my fingers brush her cheek just once more.

I wasn't making it without her. I hardly ate, I hardly even moved really. I could feel my body wasting away but I didn't care. My world revolved around the roaring in my ears and the memories that plagued me as the summer slowly drained away. I would not have even realized summer was ending, as I had stopped taking post from owls when I realized Hermione was not going to send me a letter, but Minerva somehow found her way to this house and came to collect me.

There were no words spoke between us as she dragged the bag of bones I called my body into the bathroom and pushed me into the shower fully clothed. She held onto my shoulder until I stopped sputtering and stood on my own feet, then she pulled the curtain closed between us and left me too it. I was awake enough from the cold water to realize that I did in fact smell rather bad and I began to wash myself.

When I was dressed in dry clean clothes once more she pulled me into another embrace, still saying nothing. I should have hated it, I was Severus Snape after all, but there was nothing of the hard man that had stalked the halls of Hogwarts for so long left within me. I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I wondered vaguely if this was what it would feel like after being kissed by a dementor.

"School it to start tomorrow," Minerva spoke finally her arms releasing me so she could step back to look at me. "You look like hell, but I think it best we get you back to teaching. Give you something else to occupy your mind."

I just nodded dumbly. I had no idea what to do with my life now, if she had some purpose for me to fulfill I would allow it. What else was there to do when my body seemed to just keep living? Was this how my growing daughter felt? How did Hermione feel?

"First things firth however," Minerva continued. "We need to get some food in you. It looks as if you may keel over dead at any minute. When was the last time you even ate Severus?"

"I do not know," I spoke, but the voice was of a haggard man, it was not mine.

Minerva visibly flinched at the sound of me, or perhaps at my answer, but then her features became resolved and she simply nodded her head.

"Alright then, hold on tightly won't you," she said as she offered me her arm. "We won't want to leave any pieces behind."

* * *

><p>Perhaps Minerva had believed that bringing me back to the castle would turn things around, but she could not have been more wrong. Being in quarters that I had distinct memories of her presence in made it so much worse. I couldn't sleep in my bed. I couldn't eat in my kitchen. I could not even look at the living room which housed her books as well as mine.<p>

I divided my time between sitting next to the door of my chambers simply staring at the wall, and following whatever instruction Minerva sent to me. At first she had left me to my own devices but when she realized that level at which I was unable to function she took matters into her own hands.

Each morning a house elf showed up within my chambers to rouse me from the fitful sleep I had fallen into by the door. They would provide me with breakfast as well as a to-do list from Minerva. Her small straight handwriting took over my mind and removed any need to think. I could recede to the place where the ghost of Hermione could not haunt me and simply follow instructions.

_Take a shower._

_Go teach the first years their lesson._

_Come to lunch._

_Go teach the fourth years their lesson._

_Come to the head's office for afternoon tea._

_Go teach the seventh years their lesson._

_Come to dinner._

_Sleep._

Minerva never gave me anything to do in between dinner and sleep. I wondered if she believed I spent the entire night sleeping, or if she simply hoped that at some point during the night I would follow that last instruction. She required me to come to tea with her everyday even though I never drank tea or ate the biscuits she offered. I often did not even speak, but she spoke at length to me.

Sometimes she would try to tell me it would get better. Sometimes she would yell at me, trying to ignite an anger within me. Once she cried. Several times she enlisted the help of the portraits and had them talk to me as well. It was easy to pay more attention to the roaring in my ears and simply not hear them speak.

I almost wished she would fire me, but somehow I did seem to be getting all of the requirements of my job done even when I could not seem to live my life. I taught my classes. I did my rounds, though I never did hand out any sort of punishment to students I ran in to along the way. I even occasionally kept office hours, but no student ever sought me out. Everyone seemed to realize there was no longer a soul present inside my body and they kept their distance.

I wanted it to stay that way. If the one person I NEEDED to come to me wouldn't I didn't want anyone else near me either.


	48. Who will love you?

_**Song for this chapter: Skinny Love by Birdy**_

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

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><p>Molly did not allow me to wallow for more than a night. In the early hours of the morning she woke me and demanded that I bathe. It was while I sat in the milky bath she had drawn that the hole that was cut from me without Severus beside me became apparent. I hadn't bathed alone since we had married, and yet here I was in a tub that suddenly seemed far too big with just my body inside of it. I wept rather than bathing, and at some point Molly seemed to have had enough and she joined me in the bathroom and coaxed me through the act of washing myself. She understood what a loss I was at, so she rescheduled my appointment with my doctor, and focused instead on getting me through this first day on my own.<p>

She helped me to dress my growing body in a cotton gown, and she ushered me down to the kitchen to feed me. Harry was there, and I felt a great guilt swell within me when I saw his face. Somehow with what he had said to me the night before he had come to represent Severus within my mind, and I couldn't bear to look at him. He spoke no ill word to me, but simply shared the morning paper with me and continued to eat his own eggs until he heard Ginny stirring upstairs.

I fell into a strange routine, in which Molly seemed to be directing my life, and I followed blindly attempting to hear her instructions over the roaring in my ears. I ate when she wanted me to; I slept when she told me I could. For two months I didn't really live, I simply followed instructions, but then one day I awoke out of my stupor to the sound of Ginny crying out in pain.

The world seemed to rush at me in a whirl as I realized that she had gone into labor, and somehow it was only her and I in the house. I assumed that Harry and Arthur must be at work, but I could not begin to guess where Molly must have gotten to. With my blood suddenly rushing too quickly through my veins I waddled my now rather pregnant body down to Ginny's room and let myself in.

"Is it time?" I asked, drawing her attention away from the wet spot on her bed that she was staring at and watching her eyes widen in shock.

I had made a point not to visit her this entire time, so she must be surprised to see me now. It wasn't the time to worry about that though.

"The contractions have started in earnest, and my water must have broken while I was sleeping," Ginny said with panic in her voice. "Harry isn't here! Where's mum?"

"I'm not sure Ginny," I told her in the calmest voice I could muster. "I will send my patronus to both of them, but I think I should take you to the hospital."

"Okay," she whimpered, and her hands convulsed on the blankets telling me of the contraction before she made a sound of pain.

I pulled my wand from where it was tucked into my bun as a compromise with Molly. She wanted me to keep it with me always in case of emergency, and I wanted to pretend that magic no longer existed. If it was in my hair I had it, but I could pretend it wasn't a wand. I couldn't pretend today though.

I forced my mind to think of how happy I had been when I had married Severus and I conjured my patronus. I told it that Ginny was in labor, I was taking her to the hospital, and that it needed to tell Molly, Arthur, and Harry to meet us at the muggle hospital. When it disappeared I turned my wand on Ginny and told her to stay calm while I levitated her out of her bed and directed her down the stairs with me.

I hurried her across the yard and settled her into the passenger seat of the car before the next contraction hit her. She was digging furrows into the armrest while I threw myself into the driver's seat and tore out of the driveway. Just like the last time I had driven a car I broke every traffic law there was, but soon enough we were in London and I was helping her to walk into the emergency room while she gripped my hands so tightly I thought the bones might be breaking.

She was taken into a hospital room, and soon after Molly, Arthur, and Harry arrived. Harry was ushered into the room with Ginny, and Molly and Arthur took to pacing the waiting room. Now that the crisis had ended I felt lost once more and I began to wander the hospital allowing my feet to take me where they might. I didn't realize the danger of such an act until I found myself standing outside of a window that allowed me to look at a room full of new born babies. My heart thrummed painfully in my chest, and my hand went instinctively to my belly. How desperate I was to see my baby in a bed like that, but I never would.

Never since the moment that I had stepped into the floo had I been so desperate for Severus. I need his calming touch, his comforting words. I needed his arms, his lips, and his love. I needed him, but I had cast him aside and I had no right to go to him now. There was nothing to it; I would have to put myself back together somehow. I would have to do it quickly, because Ginny and Harry were going to need a friend to lean on now that they were being presented with their own sick child.

* * *

><p>James Potter was hard to look at. It wasn't because he was too small, or even that he had a tendency to turn a bit blue as his hear struggled to keep him living. It wasn't hard to lay eyes on him because of how pained his parents were to think they might lose him. I found him hard to look at because he was alive. Yes he was sick, but he was here. He had a personality He grew every day, even if it wasn't quite as fast as it should be.<p>

It was even harder to pretend his presence didn't devastate me. I put on the best smiles I could as I grew steadily larger, and closer to facing the loss of my own child. I tried desperately to be the friend that Ginny needed when she feared for her child. I offered comforting squeezes, and even a shoulder to cry on when James had to be put on a transplant list. These actions never seemed to reach my heart. I was the robot with defunct hearing due to the loss of her soul mate, but I put on quite the show for Mr. and Mrs. Potter.

It was while putting on that show that a disturbing solution to their problem began to occur to me. It broke my heart to even think about it, but the analytical part of my mind became obsessed with it. James Potter was blood type A positive, and so was my daughter. James Potter had a heart that didn't work that was failing his quick mind. My daughter had no mind, and that was wasted on her healthy heart.

When I realized what I could offer Ginny to put her fears to rest for good I vomited on the kitchen floor. Molly had whisked me off to see my doctor before I even got the chance to explain that there was not anything actually wrong with me. When I was sitting alone in the room with Dr. Neely I calmed, and decided that I might as well make the visit useful.

"Could my daughter become an organ donor," I asked her quietly when she had finished checking me over for whatever illness Molly thought had prompted my bought of nausea.

"Her organs are healthy," Dr. Neely said cryptically. "But such a choice is a bit controversial."

"If her brain death had been caused by a car accident there would not be a question would there?" I asked quietly, my stomach roiling once more.

"No if that were the case, no questions would be asked if you wished to donate her organs," she answered just as quietly as she put away her medical supplies. "But that isn't the case here. You need to really think about if this is what you want to do."

"My daughter could help other children," I said, feeling the first tears begin to burn my eyes. "Her life needn't be a waste."

Dr. Neely remained silent, and I wondered if it were out of shock, or if she simply couldn't say anything that might sound like she was trying to convince me the butcher my own child.

"I think perhaps I should give it more thought," I said finally. "But if I do it, I want it specified that the heart goes to little James Potter. I'd also like to know what other babies are helped from it if I am allowed to."

"You've still got three months to decide is this is what you want," Dr. Neely answered. "If you do decide this is what you want, I can petition to have the information about where the organs go given to you."

"Thank you," I said softly. "I will let you know when I have decided."

She nodded and began to make her way to the door before she stopped and turned back to look at me for a long time before she spoke again.

"Unless he has relinquished his rights, the father would have to sign forms for organ donation as well," she said sternly before she left me sitting alone in the room.

How was I even to ask Severus to do that? I knew I wanted to do this, and I also knew that I wanted Severus back, but somehow neither thing seemed possible with the prospect of trying to talk to him standing between me and whatever outcome was in my future.

I dressed robotically as I thought about what I could possibly say to Severus. I wondered if he would even allow me the chance to apologize to him before he threw me out. I resolved that I deserved whatever he might throw at me as I pulled on my sweater and I made my way out to meet Molly in the lobby.

"Did everything check out alright?" she asked me as she pulled my sweater fully onto my shoulders and fussed with my dress nervously.

"I am healthy," I answered stiffly before I managed to make myself meet her troubled gaze. "I am not going home to the Burrow with you just yet though. I need to see Severus."

"Do you want me to go with you" she asked, clearly nervous about how such a meeting would go.

"No I have to do this alone Molly," I said, my voice trembling. "I'll come home after we've talked."

"You won't be staying within him?" she asked quietly.

"I wouldn't dare dream that I am welcome in his home after what I've done," I answered, biting back to the impulse to add that he wouldn't want to look at me after I asked him what I was going to ask him.

"Okay Hermione," she agreed, though her eyes did not. "I'll see you soon then."

I nodded to her, and turned to walk out of the doctor's office. The sun seemed far too bright in my world that had been growing steadily darker. My eyes stung and watered as I tried to adjust, and walked down into an alley where there were no muggle to see me apparate away.

* * *

><p>Appearing at gates of Hogwarts was more painful than I could have predicted. Thankfully there were not students milling about like there had been the last time I had made this walk, but I saw that Hagrid was out an about near his hut. I hoped he wouldn't approach me, I wasn't ready for something like that. I barely had it in me to go to Severus right now, I couldn't handle talking to anyone else.<p>

Crossing the grounds was much slower now that I had grown so large in my pregnancy, but the time it took was needed. It gave me time to gather myself, and attempt to garner the strength I needed for this. I tried to draw strength from the grounds that were bathed in failing sunlight as later afternoon slowly turned to evening, but the warmth of the sun seemed to leech out of me as I stepped inside the castle walls.

The entrance hall was empty, and the door of the great hall were open revealing the house elves cleaning up after a meal. Dinner must have just ended a bit ago. I looked around, momentarily lost as I tried to guess where Severus would be. I decided that the best place to start searching would be our… his chambers.

I grew steadily more terrified as I approached the door, and held my hand out to the wards. He hadn't changed them it seemed, as they allowed me entrance, but that didn't mean I was actually welcome. I Slid inside, and I was immediately greeted with darkness. I stood just inside the door, waiting for my eyes to adjust to it and I listened. The room appeared silent, but slowly I become more aware of the room. I realized that thought it was dim I could sort of see the kitchen and the living room from the light filtering out of the bedroom, and I could hear breathing near me.

I look down, and I saw that Severus was seated on the ground near the door with his arms wrapped around his knees, staring at me. He seemed frozen, and I could hardly recognize him. His features were gaunt, and even with his teaching robes on I could see that he had lost far too much weight to be healthy. What had I done to him?

"I wonder why you've changed," he said, and his voice was rough and hard to hear with how it had lost its silky tones. "You've never been so pregnant when you haunted me. What does that mean?"

"I haven't visited you until today," I told him. My own voice sounding choked. "I haven't seen you in months Severus."

"You," he coughed he eyes jumping from my stomach to meet my gaze. "You never speak. Are you real?"

"Yes Severus I'm real," I said quietly, my heart aching to think that he had been hallucinating me while he was wasting away here in the dark dungeon room.

He moved so quickly that it scared me. One moment he was slumped on the ground, and the next his arms were wrapped around my legs with his face pressed tightly against my rounded stomach. The second his arms were around me the roaring finally left my ears. The world seemed utterly silent save for my own ragged breathing and his soft murmurs against my dress.

When I tuned my ears in to hear him better I realized that he was saying please over and over again. I wasn't sure what he was asking me for, and though the roaring was gone I couldn't sense him well enough to suss it out without asking him. I tangled my fingers up in his hair and held him more tightly against me as I tried to find some balance in this tilted world.

"Why did you come back?" he said finally, release his hold on be and sinking back on his heals so he could look at me again.

"I never should have left," I whispered, the air deflating out of my lungs when faced with the weight of what I had done to this man.

"No you shouldn't have," he accused, but there was no heat in his voice, he was to broken for that. "Why did you come back?"

"A decision has to be made, an d I can't make it by myself," I confessed suddenly very aware of how wrong it was of me to expect him to give me an answer to this when I had taken the chance to answer so many questions from him.

"What is that?" he asked, a tiny flicker of light in his eyes, but his voice still dead.

"Ginny and Harry's baby needs a heart transplant," I forced myself to say, not matter how it tore at my heart now that I realized I should not ask him this. "And our daughter is a match. She is a match for him, and she could be a match for so many other little children who need something to live."

"Are you asking for permission to harvest our child for parts?" he asked me in a choked voice, his hands reaching out to grip the hem of my dress as if it were the only thing holding him to the earth.

I nodded my head, unable to speak after his words condemned me so. Tears began to spill from my eyes but I paid them no heed. I deserved however he might lash out at me right now, and I would let him do it without complaint.

"You who could not bear to let her have a quick and peaceful death, now ask me to butcher our child?" he asked me, his voice growing louder and stronger. "To what? To save James Potter? What cruel joke is this that James Potter will take everything from me again?"

"She could save a lot of other children as well," I offered feebly.

"And if I say yes? If I agree to let our daughter save these other children? What then?" he asked me, his grip tightening on my dress enough to sway my balance forward toward him. "Do you disappear into the Burrow to live a happy little life without me once more?"

I fought the urge to point out that I hadn't been happy. He needed to release this poison, and I could take it. So I let the tears keep falling but I took a deep breath and told Severus what he needed to hear and part of the truth.

"No Severus," I said quietly. "I won't go to the Burrow unless you want me too. I can't force myself to stay away from you any longer, but if you ask me to I will try my hardest to do it."

"I don't want you to leave me again," he admitted on a sigh before he buried his face in my dress once more. "I'll say yes to whatever you want, just stay with me."

"I'll stay either way Severus," I promised him. "Don't agree to do this without thinking about it. You should make a real choice here. Like I should have let you before. I never should have decided that it was my choice alone. I never should have abandoned you. I'm so sorry Severus. I'm sorry."

I kept apologizing, and he kept saying please as he helped me to lower myself onto the ground and into his embrace. I cried openly into his shoulder as he held me tightly against him. Time seemed to disappear as we cried together, but eventually the tears stopped as well as the words. We were both quiet as night grew deeper around us and the last of the light from the lake was gone. He said nothing as he pulled my wedding ring from his pink and slid it back on to my hand, but my tears started once more. Severus pulled me tightly against him once more, and ran his hands soothingly through my hair while I cried myself out once more.

"I think we should do it," Severus said what seemed like years later. "It would help a lot of people. Even Potter."

"Are you sure?" I asked him, taking the liberty of nuzzling closer to him though I didn't feel that I deserved the comfort he was offering me.

"Yes," he said in a firm voice. "I am also sure, that you need to go back to the Burrow."

"What?" I asked, surprise by how much it hurt to be turned away when I had already promised myself that I would do whatever he wanted.

"Just for a little while. Molly will be wondering where you are, and Minerva is going to be sending a house elf to check on me in less than an hour." He explained as he tried to help me up to my feet.

I didn't ask why Minerva would be checking on him, or why how he knew that Molly would have been waiting up for me. I didn't ask anything. I just let him haul me to my feet, and then I offered him my hand to help him climb to his own feet. It became even more apparent how thin he was when he was standing, and my heart broke a little further. I didn't think I could ever make up for the ways I had hurt him, but I was going to try anyway.

"How will I know when you want me to come back?" I asked him, embarrassed by the quaver in my voice.

"I'll come get you," he whispered into my ear as he pulled me tightly against him and for a moment it seemed like he was going to kiss me, but he didn't and I wasn't sure if I was grateful or sorry that he hadn't. "I'll come get you, and then we'll go see Dr. Neely again."

"Okay," I said quietly as he ushered me gently toward the fireplace.

I pulled my wand from my bun and conjured a fire. I looked over my shoulder to see him watching me closely, but his face was unreadable. I pulled floo powder off the mantle and tossed it into the fire. He was still watching me as I said my destination and began to spin away.


	49. Between light and nowehere

_**Song for this chapter: I Am A Bird Now (Hope There's Someone) by Antony and the Johnsons (you really need to listen to listen one to fully understand the tone of this chapter)  
><strong>_

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><p><strong>GPOV<strong>

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><p>Harry and I had been drowning, so terrified that we would lose our child. Terrified of what that would do to us. There weren't words to describe the fear that chewed away at our souls when we thought about the very real chance that there would be no heart available to save our son. We were faced with the very real possibility of measuring our sons life in months rather than years.<p>

We were so far under that water that I barely registered Hermione leaving the Burrow. It only reminded me that Harry and should have left by now, and would have done if it hadn't been for how sick James was. Even after she had gone, I didn't really surface from beneath the waters until we received a fateful phone call. Mum had a phone installed in the house, and it only ever rang if a muggle doctor was calling us. The sound startled me whenever I heard it and sent my heart racing with the question of what this call would me.

"Ginny can you come down to the kitchen?" Mum called, and I cradled James tightly to my chest as I hurried to head her call.

"What is it Mum?" I asked.

"A mother is at the hospital in labor right now," she said in a tight voice. "The baby isn't going to make it, and the mother has agreed to allow the organs to be donated. The baby is a match to James."

"Thank Merlin," I cheered, holding James just a little bit tighter as I slumped down into a chair with relief. "Do we head in to the hospital now, or wait for them to call us again?"

"We can go in now," Molly said, her voice strangely tight still. "The mother is at the hospital in London as well, so they won't have to fly the heart in for the operation."

"That's good isn't it?" I asked, growing more confused by how upset she looked. "Hermione said that her reading said transplants went best when the heart wasn't out of a body for too long."

Mum flinched when I said Hermione's name and I became even more confused.

"What is it Mum?" I asked when her troubled gaze turned to the phone instead of my face.

"It's January First Ginny," she said quietly. "It's the first of the year, and the mother who is handing over her baby's heart to save James is at the hospital in London."

I was glad I was sitting when what she said finally got through to me because I could feel the strength drain out of my legs. I looked down at James where he was sleeping against my breast and I stopped breathing as I thought about the cost of his survival.

"It's Hermione isn't it Mum?" I asked finally, and I had to bite my lip against tears when she nodded her head.

"I think I would have figured it out anyway, " Mum said quietly. "But your father happened to be at the hospital this morning for work business, and he saw Hermione and Severus arrive. She was in labor this morning, and I imagine their daughter will be born any minute now."

"Oh Mum, we can't do this," I groaned, holding James closer. "We can't be responsible for killing Hermione's baby."

"We aren't," Harry said as he stepped into the room with father in tow, apparently they had left work early. "Arthur explained what was happening to me, and you have to know Ginny that their daughter was going to die either way. You would only hurt them more to refuse what they are offering."

"How will she ever be able to look at James after this," I asked in a whisper.

"Oh I don't believe for even a moment we will see Hermione or Severus again after today," Mum said weakly from where she was now holding onto the counter, her back turned to the rest of us.

"Surely not?" Harry said as he moved over to stand beside me.

"I think she's right," father sighed. "The house down the way is up for sale once more, and I have it on good authority that Severus has resigned from Hogwarts permanently."

"I think they had decided upon this a while ago," Mum said quietly from where she was now nestled against father's chest. "I think they have been planning on how best to handle the decision they made since the day that Severus came to collect Hermione from here and take her home. I suppose the only good that has come from any of this is that they are turning to one another for support again."

A deep silence fell in the kitchen as the weight of loss settled amongst us all.

"We need to get to the hospital," Harry said, breaking the silence gruffly. "James will have to be ready for surgery soon."

I held tightly to Harry's hand as the four of us left the kitchen and loaded into the car. I didn't know how to feel anymore. I was overjoyed that James would be saved, and yet terrified of the idea of a doctor cutting his chest open. I was devastated by the mere thought of what Severus and Hermione must be going through, and yet so angry that they had kept this secret. That they had no allowed us any say at all. And yet I was grateful that they had not put such a weight upon my shoulders. They had made the choice to take care of us, and to not allow the guilt of asking for such a thing to settle upon us.

By the time we arrived at the hospital I was crying. I could hardly see where I was going, but Harry was straight and true as he led me onto the surgical floor, and toward the nurse that was waiting to collect our son. He held me tightly to his chest as they took James away, and he guided me into a chair when it was time to simply wait.

There was one terribly slow moment where the world seemed to stop spinning and I caught a glimpse of Severus walking alongside a tiny bed that was being wheeled toward an operating room. He did not look up from the bundle of pink blankets that was disappearing from his view until it was gone, and as the door swung shut, cutting him off from his daughter, his eyes rose. When they met mine I felt as if I had been burned by the grief that was present there. He spun away from me, the gesture somewhat lacking without his customary robes in place, and like a thief in the night he disappeared.

I wanted to go to him, to comfort him somehow, but I knew it would be unwelcome. Severus Snape was not a man that you comforted, and he would be far too busy comforting Hermione now anyway. I had never been religious, but I found myself praying that they would find peace. I prayed that somehow they would be okay, and that they could care for one another where ever they ended up going. I prayed that someone could help them even a fraction of the way they had helped Harry and I.

"Do you think they'll be okay?" I asked Harry as I lay my head back on his shoulder.

"Maybe someday," Harry said quietly as he wrapped his arms around me. "I just want to be able to thank them, but I think that glimpse of Severus is all we're going to get. I doubt he'll allow us near Hermione. She must be a wreck."

"I would be," I admitted with a sigh. "I am a little bit right now actually."

"Just keep breathing," Harry said softly. "James will be out of surgery soon, and he will have a healthy heart to boot."

"He's going to live," I breathed, allowing my relief to eclipse my grief.

"Yes he is," Harry agreed, pulling me a little tighter against him. "And so will they."

There was nothing else to say after that. Words were superfluous as our world shifted so incredibly from what it had been to what it would be.


	50. The End

_**Songs for this chapter: I'm Coming Home by J-Cole and Hands of Time by Rachel Diggs**_

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><p>Severus and Hermione left London without looking back. They walked into an airport and boarded the first flight that was leaving, and that was how they found themselves in Northern Ireland. They had stopped running from one another, but in a way they were still running. From their lives, and the horrors that had existed in them.<p>

They moved into a small cottage amongst green hills where wild flowers grew and they settled into a different life. A life that didn't have dying children or wounded marriages. They tried to forget what their daughter had looked like bundled in a pink blanket with a tiny pink hat hiding what her head looked like. The tried to forget that a roaring had ever existed in their ears, and a time where either of them had been so depressed that they ceased to function.

They could not turn back the clock, so instead they learned to live with the mistake they had made in their lives. Hermione learned to turn to her husband when she was afraid instead of running from him. Severus learned to trust himself as well as the woman that he loved. Together they learned how to make their marriage work and that drew them even closer to one another.

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><p>Years went by in which they stayed away from any other soul. They gardened to grow their own food as well as any potion ingredients they might need to take care of their medical needs. Hermione began to paint and in such she decorated their home and purged her soul of lingering demons. Severus returned to his music, now playing on a guitar that he had made himself from wood he had cut himself.<p>

Severus and Hermione lost contact with the outside world, but they had traded it for a much deeper contact with one another so they were not sad. They were ever so grateful to find such a soul bond, and spent their days nurturing it until the scarcely had to speak they knew the other so well.

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><p>Many many years passed and the couple began to age. Severus was transformed into a much lighter man as his black hair turned white, and a smile lit up his features for more frequently. As Hermione aged lines began to encroach her face, but they made her smile each time she looked at them. Soon she was old enough that her scars were impossible to decipher from her wrinkles and she let go of the tiny bit of her soul that had still been haunted by her past.<p>

Where once there had been a young couple that was broken by sadness sitting quietly in a house there was instead a blissfully happy old couple that tottered around their yard chasing their chickens with laughter falling from their lips. Severus Snape forgot how to scowl and Hermione Snape remembered how to really smile. Only once did Hermione paint a picture with humans in it, and it was of an elderly couple sitting on the edge of a flower garden. It was the closest thing there would ever be to a picture of the Snape family.

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><p>Still years and years passed, and the old couple knew they were reaching the end of their days, but they were not dismayed. They had built a happy life with one another, and in their very old age they looked forward to crossing in to the next great journey with one another. The spent less time tottering around the yard as the grew older, but they spent more time sharing their love with one another with a touch of the hand of a whispered affection.<p>

One day, nearly a century after they had settled in their little Irish cottage that old man and old woman went to sleep with happiness in their hearts. In the morning they did not wake, but there was no sadness in their passing. The people of the village not far away knew that the couple had living a happy life, and they celebrated their departure with a proper wake.

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><p>And just like that their story in this world ended.<p> 


End file.
